The Hairiest Hairy Leg Contest Ever presented by Cremo Shave Cream

They are real.  And, they are spectacular.

While shoes scream for attention, (Italian ones gesture wildly) even the best shaving cream cowers in the corner of the shower with foamy muffled whimpers.  I was reluctant at first.  On the swag-o-meter, a new pair of shoes ranks much higher than shaving cream.  I must admit, I was a little “meh” when Cremo Cream (the astonishingly superior shave cream) asked if they could ship me some free product in exchange for a giveaway with readers.  After all, you’ve been dazzled with Injinji toe socks, GU, Road ID, Ryders Eyewear and Pearl Izumi clothing.  Then again, if there is one thing all cyclists have in common it’s the constant quest to cut costs where possible and spend freely on what matters the most.  Hence people on $10,000 bikes are often found stuffing their pockets full of free GU’s and Snickers on club century rides.  So see below for The Hairiest Hairy Leg Contest EVER.

We all shave, eventually.  Some of you believe shaving makes you faster.  It does not.  9 out of 10 cycling coaches agree.  Riding with slow people makes you faster.  Some believe shaving makes you look better.  It does not.  Riding with ugly people makes you more attractive.  Some believe shaving makes you fit in with the crowd.  It does not.  Shaving makes you the outcast in the one-seater kayak at the summer office canoe picnic.  Some believe shaving makes massage easier.  It does not.  Copious amounts of oil rubbed all over by a big woman with man mitts makes massage easier.  Some believe shaving is a rite of passage.  Hmm….now, you may have something there. 

There is a sweet pair of Zipp 343’s in my man cave.  Every fall they come off my wife’s bike.  Sometime during the spring, they go back on…when the bike fairy rings the magic cowbell and deems her Zippworthy.  The Zipps are a rite of passage, a reward for months of training in foul winter weather turning her into a raging she-beast on a bike.  The same applies to shaving, although Cremo Cream does not cost $2500 a pair.  The first shaving of the meat sticks of the season for many is viewed as a rite of passage, from neandercyclist to racer.  Me ride fast.

Smooth and silky, shaving is like wearing superman’s cape.  It makes you fly.  It’s like the Hulk’s muscles ripping through a plaid shirt to reveal mountains of green muscle.  Raaawwwrr!  It makes you feel like you can tear your riding buddies to shreds.  Shaving makes that delicious bit of quad meat above your knee look like an unclimbable cornice on Mt. Everest.  Shaving makes your massage therapist ask if you’d like the sports massage.  Shaving makes the three girls in the pickup truck whistle and woot as they pass on your ride through Northern Kentucky.  Shaving is also the reason their jealous boyfriends buzz you, call you a “Nancy” and exhaust blast you in a black diesel fog. 

Honey, what are you doing with your phone in the shower?

It’s the end of spring.  If you think you’ve earned the most spectacular leg shave you’ll ever receive outside of hiring your very own soigneur with a straight razor, read on for a chance to win.  I’ve tried Cremo Cream.  It’s great on toast.  It also leaves you a remarkably closer shave than the stuff you had the coupon for.  It’s slick.  Whatever lubricant is in there makes the razor glide easily and the moisturizing seems to linger after the razor passes.  I didn’t see the need to put on lotion afterward.  Since it’s really not a foamy thing, the razor clears hair more easily.  While I didn’t really count, it seemed like I got more trips up my leg before I had to wash the clippings out of the blade.  After I was done my wife ran her hand up my leg and said, “Yummy.” Then she nibbled on my calves.  As it says on the tube, “Try it once to believe it.  Enjoy it for life.  It’s really that good.”  You can pick it up at CVS, Walgreens, Walmart and a number of retailers.  Visit Cremo Cream online for details.

THE HAIRIEST HAIRY LEG CONTEST EVER P/B CREMO CREAM 

If you’re still not convinced to try Cremo Cream yet, let me indulge your frugality.  Share your hair to win a Cremo Cream Gift Set.

1) LikeCremo Cream on Facebook.

2)  Send a picture of your hairy meatsticks here using the subject “Hairy Leg Contest.”  

We’ll draw 3 winners, a virtual podium of sasquatches on bikes, to win a Cremo Cream gift set including: shaving cream, moisturizer and wash.  If you’re lucky, we may even post your photo to Facebook or use it on the blog.  Deadline is at Noon (Eastern Time) on Tuesday, June 4th.  Good luck!  Winners will be drawn randomly.

Bicyclist or Cyclist: Who Shot Motorist?

“Police: Bicyclist fires shot in fit of road rage.” The headline from WISH-TV in Whitestown, Indiana sort of stuck out on my facebook news feed, not because it was alarming, but because I was offended at the use of bicyclist and cyclist and the complete omission of the term “a bike rider.”  While on any given day, I can be any one of the three, I am pretty certain it was not a bicyclist or cyclist that put the cap in the motorist, but likely someone riding a bike.  Oh there’s a difference.

Cyclists

The first clues are the .45 caliber bullets found at the scene.  A quick search of the internet reveals a .45 caliber hand cannon weighs between 27 and 37 ounces.  That’s a two pound gun, without bullets.  Clearly a cyclist would not carry a .45 caliber gun or anything weighing more than their bike frame.  A .45 caliber bullet alone weighs roughly 200 grams, as much as a Ritchey WCS stem.  There’s no way.  Cyclists don’t carry anything outside that which is absolutely necessary.  Instead of a wallet, cyclists opt for a zip lock bag with a cell phone, ID and the worst smelling sweat drenched $5 bill you’ll ever turn your nose up at.  If a weapon were necessary on a ride, say to drop the dead weight from a breakaway, it’d likely be a shiv carved from carbon fiber. 

Bicyclists

Clue #2 is the fanny pack, leading me to the bicyclist.  Bicyclists are known for over packing.  Judging from the three tail lights and seat bag big enough for a hoagie sandwich and a floor pump, a fanny pack with a .45 isn’t too much of a stretch.  However, the bicyclist is no honey badger.  The bright orange vest, helmet mirror and dual headlights blinking in the middle of the day are enough to tell any motorists to give them a wide berth.  Add a black tie and the good book, and I’m certain the bicyclist is not your man. 

A Bike Rider

The .45 caliber gun in the fanny pack clearly points to A Bike Rider.  Don’t be fooled by the photo of Beyonce.  While she falls into the category of bike rider, this category covers everyone from the person noodling down the bike path and cruising to yoga to those who lost their driving license to a DUI and the drug dealer.  The only thing that makes a bike rider a bike rider is the bike.  A bike rider is going about their normal everyday business on a bicycle.  Now if that business happens to involve a loaded three pound concealed .45 caliber pistol, I think you know who you’re looking for.

An Uber Local Reason To Follow This Weekend’s Tour of the #Battenkill

While he’s sort of adopted by way of Michigan and Purdue, and we’ve had quite a few locals race big pro races, another one of ours is racing the pro Tour of the Battenkill this weekend.  If there was an American Paris-Roubaix this is it, a one day 200k classic in New York featuring covered bridges and 25% dirt roads.  When you consider the pot holed mess of Binning Road and the Stonelick covered bridge, maybe our regular BioWheels Wednesday shop ride with Chris Uberti is good hard training to face the ranks of the pros at The Battenkill. 

Panther is Logistics Company

A few weeks back Cycling News revealed Team Panther/Competitive Cyclist was selected as an Elite Amateur team for the Tour of the Battenkill.  CIncinnati's Chris Uberti and the rest of Team Panther under the guidance of regional pro veterans Kirk Albers and Paul Martin will line up alongside the real big boys of United Health Care, Team Type 1, Bissell, Team Mountain Khaki’s and others.  If you’re wondering why he wasn’t on the Wednesday BioWheels group ride or Tuesday’s New Richmond Rampage this week, this is it.  I heard he joked that it was too hard before this big race.  In a twisted way, Chris is about to get a taste of the medicine he’s been dishing out to us over the past few months.  Or, will he be the one dishing?

“Who is that guy?”  People don’t notice him till after the ride.  He’s not a flashy rider or chest thumper.  Very approachable, he’ll roll up to the start of a local training ride, put his foot down like a kickstand and chat like he’s a local club rider.  You’re completely oblivious to the pro experience he hides behind that smile.  The same demeanor comes across in his riding.  He’s smooooth.  I guess that comes from competing in The Tour of the Gila, The Joe Martin Stage Race, Fitchburg-Longsjo and The International Cycling Classic (Superweek) the past few years. 

While I’ll usually sit-on and rearrange myself within a paceline to not have the wheel of the strongest guys on a ride, I don’t mind Chris’ wheel.  When he pulls to the left on the front of a rotating paceline, it’s not a shocking quick elbow throw and a jerk to the left.  Like he’s introducing you to the road ahead, he graciously lets you into the wind.  In a race, the smoothness translates.  Two weeks ago at the local OSRS race at Harrison’s Tomb, I saw him ride from back to front in the stretch of 2-3 miles, gracefully threading his way through the middle of the bunch.  After witnessing that, I’m convinced.  If you need to ride the yellow line to the front, you need to brush up on your skills.  He’s the type of rider that forces you to be a better rider.  At 44 years old and no stranger to a bike race, I’m learning from a guy 20 years younger than me.

With the way his black curls cascade out of the back of his helmet, you wonder why there’s not 10 women on this 24 year-old’s wheel or why he’s not out clubbing it downtown.  He’s a skinny kid with wide dark eyes and a magnetic smile.  At 28mph he churns the pedals with knees in and his toes pointed down.  His back is so low you have to emulate the posture and seemingly ridiculous high steady cadence to even get a whiff of a draft.  His Strava profile lists three full pages of KOM’s, usually a full mph faster than the next guy.  I’m ahead of him on only one, hanging on to the KOM purely for the fact that the Highwater climb in Kenton County, KY is under construction at the moment.

Click Here for Tour of the Battenkill Website

You’d like to think he’s some sort of out of nowhere gifted rider, but when you look him up, he's just like you and I (had we started racing at 18.)  He was racing cat 4 in 2006.  Raise your hand.  Sure he’s young, but he trains his ass off, even riding 25 miles to local races, winning them and then riding home.  He won his first race as a Cat 3 in May of 2007.  In ’08 and ’09 he placed 9^th at Collegiate Road Nationals, was on the podium of smaller 1-2 races and posted 70^th and 80ths on bigger races like Joe Martin, Fitchburg and Superweek.  In ’10 and ’11 he started bagging the bigger races finishing 3^rd in the Hyde Park Blast, a 4^th on a Superweek Stage and a 2^nd on a stage of the Gateway Cup.  All the while he continues to test himself, dipping his toes in the deeper waters of the 2011 Tour of the Gila, (won by Francisco Mancebo) finishing no better than 73^rd on his best day.  There’s still more work to be done.  


Now here he is with a couple early spring wins, a short cyclocross season under his belt, and an invite to the dirt roads of the Tour of the Battenkill, a race on the Director Sportif radar of Pro Tour teams.  We wish Chris, Ryan Knapp, and the rest of their Panther teammates the best.  Surely it’s still ahead of them.


(Post Race Note:  Chirs Uberti finished in a group of riders placed 15th-49th 12 minutes down from winner Francisco Mancebo, officially 40th.  162 riders were on the start list.  59 finished.  For race results and recap click here.)

Sans Bike, Cyclist Out Run-Killed By Zombie

If only to survive the inevitable zombie attack, I believe everybody should be able to run a mile.  If not, accept the consequences…becoming an open head wound Zazzle.com t-shirt wearing zombie yourself. 

There’s added incentive in my neighborhood.  Aside from the fact that most of the Marlboro Maniacs that frequent the local quickie-mart are easy zombie targets which increases the chances of me being devoured by zombies, up in Mt. Lookout Square, exactly 1 mile away from my house is United Dairy Farmers Ice Cream Shop, Cincinnati’s Famous Zipps Café and the little known secret pizza place called Lucy Blue.  If it’s not to outrun chain-smoking zombies, I can run a mile for a cup of Raspberry Chocolate Chip.  However, without their bike at the ready, sadly most cyclists would face the fate of my less than healthy neighbors. 

You’re a cyclist.  You think you’re fit.  You can ride your bike for hours and hours, miles upon miles.  You can climb.  You can sprint.  You’ll be laid up for three days if you attempt to run for 10 minutes.  You’ve got the BMW twin-turbo engine, unfortunately you have the drive train of a 1978 Chevy Chevette.  You'd so not survive the zombie apocalypse. 

Behold!  I have discovered a running workout program for cyclists which will not make you sore, is more or less 20 minutes long, and if all goes well allow you to run the local 5k in a time your tri-athlete friends will not poke fun of.  In no time, you'll have the guns to out run any character on the Walking Dead and 99% of people who call running shoes sneakers.  

In an experiment, I sort of applied a cyclocross workout to running.  Last fall I started doing a workout gleaned from Cyclocross National Champion Katie Compton.  It’s called the 30-30-30 workout.  Essentially you sprint on the bike for 30 seconds, run for 30 seconds, ride easy for 30 seconds and repeat for 5-10 minutes.  While I did get faster at cross, both running and in transitions, I also noticed a huge unforeseen benefit.  I was not sore from running the next day, or the day after that.  Thank you Oprah.  Thank you Tom Cruise.  Thank you little baby Jesus.

Zombie Kllers Pearl Izumi Peak II

I’ve been running twice a week with the workouts below.  I’ll be on week 4 next week.  The key is easing into it with short 1 minute intervals.  The run is short, but right out the gate, faster than a zombie.  The rest is 1 minute, but a super easy brisk walk.  The walk speed could allow a determined zombie to catch up, but you’d take off again before he tears into your shoulders.  In 4 weeks, you’ll be up to a 2 mile run.  In 6, you’ll save face at the local 5k.  The big bonus, rest and a pace change is always on the horizon, because as a cyclist, running sucks as bad as a zombie attack.

WEEK 1: 18 Minutes

Warm up 3 minute walk at zombie pace (3.5-4mph). 

Easy jog for 30 seconds (5.5-6 mph).

Walk for 30.

Jog for 30.

Walk for 30.

Fast jog intervals 

(Fast jog, 6-6.5 mph, for 1 minute…followed by 1 minute walk. Alternate for 10 minutes.  Roughly 1.5 miles)

Cool down with 2-3 Minute walk.

WEEK 2: 22 Minutes

Same thing, but do the intervals at a Full-on run (7.5 mph) for 1 minute…followed by 1 minute walk and extend period to 15 minutes.  Was about 1.7 miles.

WEEK 3: 22 Minutes

Same thing, but extended the full on run to 1.5 minutes with same 1 minute walk rest.  Came out to almost 2 miles.

WEEK 4: 22 Minutes

Keep the run the same 1.5 minutes…maybe a pinch faster, but take the 1 minute rest period to the slow jog speed.  (essentially running for the whole 15 minutes, should be a bit over 2 miles)

WEEK 5: 25-30 Minutes

Probably extend the full on run to 2 minutes, keep the rest at a 1min jog, but extend the workout to 25-30 minutes.  Should end up being a sub 30 minute 5k (3 miles)

Joe Note: As a cyclist who is planning to run the Flying Pig Marathon, The Jimmy Road Rash blog has some good tips on running form this week.  Click here for video demo and more.

Fi'zi:k Cu'Kee:saver Women's Saddle from RealCyclist.com

I'm banging my fists against the computer keyboard.  adea;o refioan; fewiau.  Why do I even bother musing about cycling when I could just copy it from the funniest cycling websites where they pay people to write, like RealCyclist.com.  After reading the following ad from RealCyclist.com for the Fi'zi:k Vesta women's saddle I'm certain of a few things.  1) The website is clearly not for real cyclists.  2) This copy was not Fi'zi:k approved.  3) If the associate at your local bike shop tried to sell you a saddle this way, you would slap him in the face.  4) I'm clearly not qualified to write for cycling publications.  5) This ad was clearly not written by a real cyclist, a guy who really wants to sell a $130 saddle to a woman, an actual woman, someone disguised as a woman, Wendy Williams, or even guy with a doll that he calls his girlfriend for that matter.  It is very possible it was written by someone with callouses on his right hand.

Fi'zi:k Vesta K:IUM Saddle - Women's

Perch your booty on the Fi’zi:k Women’s Vesta Saddle, and pedal with comfort. The women’s-specific shape gives you support where you need it and, thanks to the pressure-relieving beaver-breather central channel, none where you don’t. Scuff guards keep the Microtex cover unmarked if you lay your bike down, while Fi’zi:k’s Integrated Clip System lets you seamlessly install an I.C.S.-compatible saddle bag or light. With the Fi’zi:k Vesta, you’ll be filling your lungs with fresh air instead of filling your shorts with saddle sores.

Now, let's dissect this beauty.  Do you know what pops up on Yahoo image search results when you type in the word booty?  DO YOU?  For shame.  And shame on me too, because I dared to check.  First of all, the moment you finish typing the "y" of the word booty, your computer goes into blue screen lockdown mode and sends emails and texts to the authorities, your wife and your mom to inform them that you may be looking at porn.  Seriously, it triggers your computers "safe search" filter advising you of the forthcoming watermelon sized naked cabooses that's about to be displayed on your 17 inch screen.  The next thing that pops up, after agreeing to turn "safe search" off is hundreds of pictures of the biggest asses you've ever seen in your life outside of the Biggest Loser Ranch.  Granted, some are in bicycle shorts...barely.  The next thing that happens is spyware, unless you turn the "safe search" back on.  Clearly BOOTY is not the correct term to describe a women's um, backside and clearly not how a woman who would spend $130 on a saddle would refer to her...um...cute little tushy. 

You had me at booty.  Really I would've bought the saddle right then and there.  But, this saddle has a Beaver Breather.  Thank goodness because mine almost suffocated.  Were there less offensive words that RealCyclist.com decided not to use, like uhm...maybe cookie saver?  I wouldn't even dare to type "beaver breather" into a search engine...at least not at work.  I'm guessing I wouldn't see comical fuzzy little creatures wearing SCUBA gear while building a dam on a picturesque creek.

The sad thing is, if you go to Fi'zi:k's website the copy for the Vesta saddle reads quite professionally and un-offensive like this:

Vesta. A pressure relief channel praised by pros and enthusiasts alike.

But I guess RealCyclist.com thought that trying to work the words "saddle sores" and "laying your bike down" into the copy was more effective in luring women to purchase this high-end, pretty, white, well designed, ultra light, matches any bike, relatively inexpensive, pro-level saddle.


note: no beavers were harmed in this story.

Alberto Contador or Ryan From "The Office" You Decide

A Facebook friend pointed out the similarity, and I had to see for myself. Pretty close. Pretty close.

Cling Wrap Pants

You know you’re a forty year old athlete when…you forget your pants.  This is the third time for me in as many weeks.  Maybe it’s an early sign.  Three out of the last five times I’ve brought clothes to go running from work, I’ve forgot my running tights.  I know there’s a difference between tights and pants but, the word “pants” seems to fit better and it’s funnier.  Pants.  See?  It’s been less than 25 degrees out each of those days I planned on running over lunch at work.  Needless to say, some sort of leg covering is sort of necessary.  I’m not a card carrying member of the Polar Bear Club.  I don’t garner any sadistic tough guy feeling from cold franks and beans (There’s Something About Mary).  While it’s only temporary and personally embarrassing, there’s still shrinkage to consider.

“Son of a!” is my usual exclamation.  This phrase is usually uttered after three complete inventories of the contents of my backpack while bending over berries in the breeze in the employee restroom.  That is then followed by the horrific thought that if I forgot my tights, I might have forgot to lock the door.  I turn to check.  Fhew!  Then I laugh wondering what if someone outside the bathroom door heard me say “son of a!”  Then I chuckle inside wondering what if someone outside heard me laughing in the bathroom.  Then there’s a brief thought of actually going outside in 17 degree weather with only shorts to protect Johnson and the Nuggets.  So far, I’ve had better sense.  I guess if you’re driving through Cincinnati’s Eden Park when it’s sub 25 degrees outside and see me running bare legged that I have taken the step into senility and you’re welcome to shout “hey dufus, put on some pants” from your car window.    

With this track record, I know that it will be cold again in the coming weeks; I will want to go for a run over lunch; I will forget my pants again.  So, like a kid with idiot straps on his mittens, I need to prepare for my own stupidity.  Since I obviously don’t have the brain power at seven o’clock in the morning to remember seven items of clothing, I could write a list: socks, shoes, tights, shorts, long sleeve shirt, hat, and jacket.  I could bring a spare set of winter running clothes and leave them in a cabinet.  Or, there’s always the Glad Cling Wrap in the employee kitchen, if I could trust myself to remember to put my work pants back on before I walk down the hallway. 

158 Yo!

Out of frustration for weighing 170, I wrote a blog entry titled “Don’t Stop Riding The Elevator” on Friday, January 25th of this year. We had spent the previous fall moving from KY to OH and the cycling had definitely suffered. That day, I set a goal to be 158, the lightest weight I can remember as a competitive cyclist, the weight where my Grandma says “Joseph, you’re too thin,” the weight where my wife says, “ooh baby you feel skinny,” by the Mohican 100 MTB race in May. Things didn’t go as planned.

Shortly after that entry, I tweaked my knee in a freak push broom incident and went in for meniscus surgery on my knee. As quick as my recovery went, the goal shifted to the beginning of CX training season in August. Again, a setback. I nearly bent my thumb back to my elbow when I clipped a tree in a mountain bike race in late June/early July, which made gripping a handlebar quite painful for 4-6 weeks. So, I started running and doing more old school core stuff including jumping jacks.

I recently had a birthday, got some good stuff like this adventure book "Roads To Quoz" and two new Yakima rails for the roof top bike rack. As it turns out, the best birthday gift, I gave to myself. Today, after my Monday morning ritual, I set down the copy of Outside Magazine, looked at my another-year-older carcass in the mirror and thought, “Huh, I look kind of skinny.” My bod had sort of a “V” shape, sort of, as if the bottom of the “V” was slightly melted. Setting myself up for disappointment, I told myself, “Uh, you look about 160-161.” I stepped on the scale and there it was…158.

If I had any left in me, I would’ve crapped my shorts.

There’s some entertaining, marginally motivational and possibly useful cycling oriented weight loss stuff in the previous articles from the old blog on AOL, “161st Street,” “Snackin’ With The Biggest Loser” and “Don’t Stop Riding The Elevator.” One thing is for sure, you won’t lose any weight sitting on your arse and reading it. Put down those Cheetos, go do something that makes you feel good about yourself, and come back to read ‘em later.