Sans Bike, Cyclist Out Run-Killed By Zombie

If only to survive the inevitable zombie attack, I believe everybody should be able to run a mile.  If not, accept the consequences…becoming an open head wound Zazzle.com t-shirt wearing zombie yourself. 

There’s added incentive in my neighborhood.  Aside from the fact that most of the Marlboro Maniacs that frequent the local quickie-mart are easy zombie targets which increases the chances of me being devoured by zombies, up in Mt. Lookout Square, exactly 1 mile away from my house is United Dairy Farmers Ice Cream Shop, Cincinnati’s Famous Zipps Café and the little known secret pizza place called Lucy Blue.  If it’s not to outrun chain-smoking zombies, I can run a mile for a cup of Raspberry Chocolate Chip.  However, without their bike at the ready, sadly most cyclists would face the fate of my less than healthy neighbors. 

You’re a cyclist.  You think you’re fit.  You can ride your bike for hours and hours, miles upon miles.  You can climb.  You can sprint.  You’ll be laid up for three days if you attempt to run for 10 minutes.  You’ve got the BMW twin-turbo engine, unfortunately you have the drive train of a 1978 Chevy Chevette.  You'd so not survive the zombie apocalypse. 

Behold!  I have discovered a running workout program for cyclists which will not make you sore, is more or less 20 minutes long, and if all goes well allow you to run the local 5k in a time your tri-athlete friends will not poke fun of.  In no time, you'll have the guns to out run any character on the Walking Dead and 99% of people who call running shoes sneakers.  

In an experiment, I sort of applied a cyclocross workout to running.  Last fall I started doing a workout gleaned from Cyclocross National Champion Katie Compton.  It’s called the 30-30-30 workout.  Essentially you sprint on the bike for 30 seconds, run for 30 seconds, ride easy for 30 seconds and repeat for 5-10 minutes.  While I did get faster at cross, both running and in transitions, I also noticed a huge unforeseen benefit.  I was not sore from running the next day, or the day after that.  Thank you Oprah.  Thank you Tom Cruise.  Thank you little baby Jesus.

Zombie Kllers Pearl Izumi Peak II

I’ve been running twice a week with the workouts below.  I’ll be on week 4 next week.  The key is easing into it with short 1 minute intervals.  The run is short, but right out the gate, faster than a zombie.  The rest is 1 minute, but a super easy brisk walk.  The walk speed could allow a determined zombie to catch up, but you’d take off again before he tears into your shoulders.  In 4 weeks, you’ll be up to a 2 mile run.  In 6, you’ll save face at the local 5k.  The big bonus, rest and a pace change is always on the horizon, because as a cyclist, running sucks as bad as a zombie attack.

WEEK 1: 18 Minutes

Warm up 3 minute walk at zombie pace (3.5-4mph). 

Easy jog for 30 seconds (5.5-6 mph).

Walk for 30.

Jog for 30.

Walk for 30.

Fast jog intervals 

(Fast jog, 6-6.5 mph, for 1 minute…followed by 1 minute walk. Alternate for 10 minutes.  Roughly 1.5 miles)

Cool down with 2-3 Minute walk.

WEEK 2: 22 Minutes

Same thing, but do the intervals at a Full-on run (7.5 mph) for 1 minute…followed by 1 minute walk and extend period to 15 minutes.  Was about 1.7 miles.

WEEK 3: 22 Minutes

Same thing, but extended the full on run to 1.5 minutes with same 1 minute walk rest.  Came out to almost 2 miles.

WEEK 4: 22 Minutes

Keep the run the same 1.5 minutes…maybe a pinch faster, but take the 1 minute rest period to the slow jog speed.  (essentially running for the whole 15 minutes, should be a bit over 2 miles)

WEEK 5: 25-30 Minutes

Probably extend the full on run to 2 minutes, keep the rest at a 1min jog, but extend the workout to 25-30 minutes.  Should end up being a sub 30 minute 5k (3 miles)

Joe Note: As a cyclist who is planning to run the Flying Pig Marathon, The Jimmy Road Rash blog has some good tips on running form this week.  Click here for video demo and more.

Now That's A Good Lookin' Rack!

“Hey good lookin’ we’ll be back to pick ya up later!”  Of course my younger readers might not remember this Karaoke precursor gem of a commercial with all the quality of a bad Saturday Night Live skit, but the quote from the Mister Microphone guy in the convertible is forever engrained in the hard drive of my brain in the same folder as the file for the Chia Pet jingle.  It’s so funny I want to say it again, wink and point my finger at you, “Hey good lookin’ we’ll be back to pick ya up later!”  Hang on.  Let me wipe the laughing tear from my cheek before it drips on the keyboard. 

The reason I bring this up is that, as a cyclist, I too have this uncontrollable reflex that causes me to gawk at pretty things on the sidewalk from my car.  No matter where I am, no matter how fast I’m driving, I’m like the head banded man-pig hipster dufus that wolf whistles at girls on the street from his car window, only I’m checking’ out their bike and keep the comments to myself.  “Nice wheels.”  “Ooh, now those are actually cool lookin’ panniers.”  “What is that?  A Ciocc?  Sweet!“ 

I did it again this morning while driving into downtown Cincinnati along Riverside Drive.  As the name implies, it’s a scenic drive along the Ohio River.  If you’re comfortable riding your bike in traffic, you’re rewarded with a blue sky sunrise over the river draped by the hills of Northern Kentucky.  So, I get in the left lane to pass and get a taste of the eye candy bike porn this commuter is riding.  Only this time, as I looked in the rear view, the bike rider picked his head up toward my direction and checked me out right back.  In my best Joey Tribbiani voice, “How you doing?”  Not surprising.  As a cyclist obviously it should come as no question that we know absolutely everyone in this Tri-State area of 2 million people who have a bike rack on their car.  We’re all part of the bike brotherhood.  So, while the sun glistening off his brass blinged Brooks Brothers saddle caught my eye, no doubt he saw my 5-bike roof rack on my Toyota 4-Runner and said to himself, “now that’s….a good looking rack.”   

A Dog On The Carpet, A Fish In The Air

I want to say you look like a dog scooting across the carpet desperately trying to get a dingle berry out of his fur, but I can’t. I keep it bottled up, because when it comes down to it, I should just be glad there’s another soul out there on a bike. I see riders all time, usually older more portly gentlemen, riding road bikes with their knees sticking out to the sides and their hands on the tops of the bars doin’ the poop scoot boogie. I try. I try so hard to mentally put a smile on my face and say way to go! So, glad you’re out there riding your bike, enjoying the outdoors, and losing a little weight. Then I see the knees akimbo, the hands close to the stem, and the legs wildly spinning two gears too small and something gurgles up inside that makes me want to roll up to them and say, “for goodness sake man, look at your reflection in the storefront windows. Are you seeing what I’m seeing?” Your riding looks like a dog trying to get a poop out of it's fur! But, I’m a non confrontational man. A wussy trait I know. One day they’ll have the revelation or someone with bigger stones than I will approach them.

That’s how it happened with me. I used to scoot across the roadway knees pin-wheeling to either side of the bike. Then one day a veteran racer on a group ride said, “Eh, Joe your knees are sticking out. Get your knees in, like this. It’ll make you more aero, efficient and faster.” I saw some truth in that. Who doesn’t want to get faster and use less energy doing it? Looking back I’m sure it was all a diabolical plan so he wouldn’t have to be on a group ride with someone who rode like a dog with a rear-end issue. I wrote about the experience in a previous post here.

Sorry. I know I shouldn’t cast judgment. Maybe the big-boy thunder thighs can’t come any closer to the top tube. Maybe the larger belly in tandem with the thighs causes an inability to put hands on the hoods or in the drops. I’ve never spun a mile in a large man’s chamois. It could physically be impossible. That’s why I dare not approach and instead take the long slow road of hoping that when the butt scooter loses a few pounds and ends up riding with some veteran riders that osmosis will take place, he’ll take note of the knees and slowly they’ll migrate toward the top tube.

There are so many ins and outs, dos and don’ts and unspoken “rules” of cycling, the fact that anyone new to the sport can pass the scrutiny of veteran riders is nearly impossible. There’s always be poofy jacket guy, seat bag big enough for an Everest expedition guy, and too much reflective flair guy. However, that’s true with any sport. I’m sure my golf swing looks like I’m shoveling a pig pen. No doubt my basketball lay-up has all the grace of a fish being thrown on the Seattle dock. Certainly I’m not the person to be dispensing cycling tips.