Being Eastwardly Challenged

Your internal compass functions equally in all directions.  Mine?  Not so much.  Maybe you lived your whole life in Indianapolis, the Circle City.  Columbus and Cincinnati are like Indianapolis, you can travel in all directions for miles and miles.  Count your blessings native buckeyes.  Same goes for those growing up with a baby bottle of Bourbon in Louisville.  Others, like me, grew up in a world devoid of easterly travel by land.  

A Milwaukeean by birth, while I have a wine aficionado type appreciation for the variety of cheese curds, I am forever directionally disabled.  So is the guy from Miami I met via email this week.

Aside from the Browns, I can relate with people in Cleveland, northwardly challenged.  Being from Milwaukee, like those who grew up in Chicago, I have no concept of east.  I’d assume riders in LA have a hard time with west.  West is ocean.  I was born with east meaning Great Lakes.  Joe go no east.

East is brow furrowing confounding to me.  When I give directions to someplace east of Cincinnati, I lack the typically manly confidence.  I slur out the word east with a slow point to the right.  “It’s about 8 miles eeeeaaaast of here.  Yep.  East.  That way.  That’s east, right?” 

Being eastwardly challenged has its rewards.  Anytime I’m east of town, I feel like I’m only a few minutes away, even if it’s 20 miles.  Being east of home has always meant close to home.  I could never stray too far without getting my feet wet.  My brain is lopsided.  If I were to create a graph, it’s nearly a 2 to one ratio.  2 miles west = 1 mile east in terms of feeling far from home.  This can be dangerous.  What feels like 14 miles, can easily be 30 miles.  Due to my condition, I’m more likely to bonk on a ride east of home.

I got an email from a guy living in Miami last week who asked for advice on the best area to live in Cincinnati and be close to good riding and far away from busy roads.  It was obvious he suffered my disability as well.  Logically, appearing a short drive to the city and an easy escape into rural riding on a map, he was considering Mason.  Mason!  I had to save him from the six-lane freeway as a main street hell-hole.

Mason is a suburban heaven, surrounded by a purgatory moat of traffic jams.  The only saving grace is the right hooks and middle finger throwing come from pretty women driving Lexus SUV’s.  I had to open his eyes to the circle city concept, where living more central to the city affords more pleasant riding in all directions, and consequently, living on the fringes, limits your options.  I live 5 miles from downtown Cincinnati.  I do most of my riding out my front door in all directions, even east.  In 13 years, I’ve never ridden my bike through Mason.  In fact, it’s avoided.  Conversely, the amount of riders passing the end of my urban street on any given week is probably in the hundreds.

When a city offers travel by road in all directions, people and traffic are more spread out.  Imagine how the dynamic of understanding a city would change if you took all the people on the Eastside of Cincinnati or Indianapolis or Louisville, and moved them all west from a centerline through downtown.  Welcome to Chicago, Miami and Milwaukee.  The size of the suburbs is double.

You can’t blame Miami guy.  In Miami, there’s a whole lot of life crammed in that little corner of Florida, let alone King James’ and Pitbull’s entourages.  It was obvious he has no concept of east as well, and occasionally wrestles with south.  There is definitely no east and only a little fart of outlet store highway leading south of Miami to the keys.  Every day, he has to navigate a dense suburban choking hell to lay wheels to peaceful asphalt somewhere north and/or west of the city.  I must have blown his mind when I told him the best places to live and ride in Cincinnati are actually closer to the city. 

The beauty of the circle city is on any given day, I can ride south in to the hills of Northern Kentucky, past the riverboats west along the Ohio River, north on the bike path to Loveland, Xenia and Dayton and yes, east.  Glorious east past the riches of Indian Hill, I can pedal through a covered bridge, down miles of one lane farm roads which eventually turn into switchbacks up the Appalachian Mountains and back down for hundreds of miles before east ever comes to an end with soaking wet feet.

The Hairiest Hairy Leg Contest Ever presented by Cremo Shave Cream

They are real.  And, they are spectacular.

While shoes scream for attention, (Italian ones gesture wildly) even the best shaving cream cowers in the corner of the shower with foamy muffled whimpers.  I was reluctant at first.  On the swag-o-meter, a new pair of shoes ranks much higher than shaving cream.  I must admit, I was a little “meh” when Cremo Cream (the astonishingly superior shave cream) asked if they could ship me some free product in exchange for a giveaway with readers.  After all, you’ve been dazzled with Injinji toe socks, GU, Road ID, Ryders Eyewear and Pearl Izumi clothing.  Then again, if there is one thing all cyclists have in common it’s the constant quest to cut costs where possible and spend freely on what matters the most.  Hence people on $10,000 bikes are often found stuffing their pockets full of free GU’s and Snickers on club century rides.  So see below for The Hairiest Hairy Leg Contest EVER.

We all shave, eventually.  Some of you believe shaving makes you faster.  It does not.  9 out of 10 cycling coaches agree.  Riding with slow people makes you faster.  Some believe shaving makes you look better.  It does not.  Riding with ugly people makes you more attractive.  Some believe shaving makes you fit in with the crowd.  It does not.  Shaving makes you the outcast in the one-seater kayak at the summer office canoe picnic.  Some believe shaving makes massage easier.  It does not.  Copious amounts of oil rubbed all over by a big woman with man mitts makes massage easier.  Some believe shaving is a rite of passage.  Hmm….now, you may have something there. 

There is a sweet pair of Zipp 343’s in my man cave.  Every fall they come off my wife’s bike.  Sometime during the spring, they go back on…when the bike fairy rings the magic cowbell and deems her Zippworthy.  The Zipps are a rite of passage, a reward for months of training in foul winter weather turning her into a raging she-beast on a bike.  The same applies to shaving, although Cremo Cream does not cost $2500 a pair.  The first shaving of the meat sticks of the season for many is viewed as a rite of passage, from neandercyclist to racer.  Me ride fast.

Smooth and silky, shaving is like wearing superman’s cape.  It makes you fly.  It’s like the Hulk’s muscles ripping through a plaid shirt to reveal mountains of green muscle.  Raaawwwrr!  It makes you feel like you can tear your riding buddies to shreds.  Shaving makes that delicious bit of quad meat above your knee look like an unclimbable cornice on Mt. Everest.  Shaving makes your massage therapist ask if you’d like the sports massage.  Shaving makes the three girls in the pickup truck whistle and woot as they pass on your ride through Northern Kentucky.  Shaving is also the reason their jealous boyfriends buzz you, call you a “Nancy” and exhaust blast you in a black diesel fog. 

Honey, what are you doing with your phone in the shower?

It’s the end of spring.  If you think you’ve earned the most spectacular leg shave you’ll ever receive outside of hiring your very own soigneur with a straight razor, read on for a chance to win.  I’ve tried Cremo Cream.  It’s great on toast.  It also leaves you a remarkably closer shave than the stuff you had the coupon for.  It’s slick.  Whatever lubricant is in there makes the razor glide easily and the moisturizing seems to linger after the razor passes.  I didn’t see the need to put on lotion afterward.  Since it’s really not a foamy thing, the razor clears hair more easily.  While I didn’t really count, it seemed like I got more trips up my leg before I had to wash the clippings out of the blade.  After I was done my wife ran her hand up my leg and said, “Yummy.” Then she nibbled on my calves.  As it says on the tube, “Try it once to believe it.  Enjoy it for life.  It’s really that good.”  You can pick it up at CVS, Walgreens, Walmart and a number of retailers.  Visit Cremo Cream online for details.

THE HAIRIEST HAIRY LEG CONTEST EVER P/B CREMO CREAM 

If you’re still not convinced to try Cremo Cream yet, let me indulge your frugality.  Share your hair to win a Cremo Cream Gift Set.

1) LikeCremo Cream on Facebook.

2)  Send a picture of your hairy meatsticks here using the subject “Hairy Leg Contest.”  

We’ll draw 3 winners, a virtual podium of sasquatches on bikes, to win a Cremo Cream gift set including: shaving cream, moisturizer and wash.  If you’re lucky, we may even post your photo to Facebook or use it on the blog.  Deadline is at Noon (Eastern Time) on Tuesday, June 4th.  Good luck!  Winners will be drawn randomly.

Donutology: The Cycling Weather Forecast

There’s a 50 percent chance of chocolate donuts in the conference room today.  Before you start thinking of whether or not they’ll be glazed or iced, I’m quite certain you’re not getting a donut.  Don’t despair.  You never had a chance.  This percentage is as flawed as the 50% chance of showers predicted for today on the Channel 9 News at 11.

It’s Wednesday ride night.  I put my bike in the back of my truck last night and stuffed a backpack with my kit this morning.  Seeing the forecast, my wife packed her cute yoga pants for the gym.  You may think I’m an optimist and she’s a pessimist.  While that may hold some truth, it had nothing to do with our decisions.  She equates getting rained on with torture.  50% rings the “you may end up with runny make-up and snarled hair” alarm in her head.  Besides the fact that my hair looks the same wet or dry and I can live with a wet butt crack for 2 hours, there are too many variables in that 50% chance of rain to mean a whole lot.  Remember the forecast didn’t say a 50% chance of showers between 6pm and 7:45pm for the cities of Madeira and Batavia and all points in between.  The Channel 9 viewing area covers 15-20 counties in the Cincinnati area.

Mmmm Donuts.

Like chocolate donuts in the conference room, a 50% chance of showers pertains to millions of people and an entire 24 hour day, not you and Wednesday Night Worlds.  How many donuts will be in the conference room?  Is it a dozen, or a Homer Simpson fantasy overturned truckload?  Will they be delivered all at once in an atomic donut drop or in smaller bite-sized shipments?  Are they actual donuts or lame-o donut holes from the land of misfit donuts?  If the yummy goodness arrives at 9a, noon or 3pm when hungry coworkers always seem to check the kitchen for free food, your chances of getting a donut decreases.  Since my office is one of the farthest from the kitchen, I have to travel a longer distance when the subject line “Fresh Donuts in the Kitchen” appears in my email. I'm screwed.

See.  Suddenly, I appear to be the pessimist when in reality I’m a realist.  I’m really not planning on getting a donut.  However, if a donut appears in the company kitchen between now and midnight, the Channel 9 Donutologist can say, "I told you there was a chance of donuts."  With a 50% chance of showers, chances are it’s really not going to rain during the shop ride tonight.  However, I did pack Pearl Izumi shoe covers.  While it may not come from the sky, I think the chance of getting my feet splashed on the ride tonight is 50/50.  I hate wet feet.  It's like torture to me.

Riding the Center Line in Sint Maarten

Bench on Philipsburg Pier

“On my way from Philipsburg, I saw a cyclist riding down the right side of the road in heavy traffic and thought, ‘what are they, stupid?’” said the woman at Tri-Sport bike shop, a surprisingly well outfitted race/rental shop that would rival most local bike shops in the states.  “Bikes and mopeds have the right of way and should pass on the left in heavy traffic.”  We were returning our Trek hybrid rentals from two days of riding and remarked how cool it was once we figured out that on the Dutch/French Island you’re supposed to ride down the center of a two-lane road when traffic is heavy.     

The Car of Choice in Sint Maarten

It’s a world where cars pull to the right to let cyclists have the right of way through heavy traffic.  Essentially bikes get a free pass on the left along the center line of the road.  It’s a beautiful thing, if you can wrap your American brain around it.  It’s actually safer, especially when you realize that many islanders pull to the right of the road to drop off passengers to walk the rest of the way.  Cars expect to be passed on the left and cyclists have full view of on coming traffic.  There’s also plenty of room to ride the centerline since most cars on the island are smaller than a Toyota Yaris.  We rented a Hyundai i10, 5.2 feet wide and 11.6 feet long.  Seriously, a Camry in a St. Maarten parking lot sticks out like a 1970’s Cadillac in the states.

Philipsburg Boardwalk

Before we figured it out the center line thing, we were pissed.  “Why do the cars keep pulling out in front of us?”  Unknowingly, we may have been the stupid people the woman at the bike shop lovingly referred to.  We were returning from Phillipsburg, the main town with the cruise ship dock and boardwalk, discount jewelry stores, the Blue Bitch Bar, a petite French cafe and an incredible Belgian chocolate shop. 

The Other French Colombier Climb

To get back to Simpson Bay was 7 miles and three of the tiniest “mountain” passes I’ve ever ridden over.  The largest mountain on the island, Peak Paradise, is about 1400 feet.  The Colombier with its name taken from the famous climb in the tour, also on the French side, is the 2^nd tallest.  The rest of them average maybe 800-1000 feet above the beach.  Needless to say, the climbs, while steep, lasted no more than 5-10 minutes.  We took the long way less-traveled route with incredible vistas of Simpson Bay.  At the last roundabout, we made the turn back into town and traffic was bumper to bumper.  Aside from the occasional truck, more like teeny bumper to tiny bumper.  We started to descend.

View of Simpson Bay

Then the cars started veering to the shoulder in our path.  “What the hell!”  “Dammit!”  Then a moped zipped down the centerline followed by a cyclist headed up the hill in the opposite direction.  The light bulb lit above our helmets.  Alas, we were the stupid Americans.  We dodged to the left of the cars and bombed the hill to the next roundabout, zipped through it and big ringed it down the center of the road back to Simpson Bay Resort.  It was thrilling. 

Share Your Ugly Jersey and Win: Extreme Jersey Makeover Contest p/b Pearl Izumi

Everyone Knows You're Top Banana!

I had to see it with my own eyes. The MS 150 Top Banana Jersey, awarded to participants who raise a huge amount of money for the National MS Foundation, was rumored to be one hideous piece of work. I put on my welders mask and prepared for the worst in my online search. After finding it, miraculously my eyes did not go bloodshot. It’s not THAT bad. Sure the tire tracks are a little cliché, but It only contains 2 of the below prerequisite characters of the ultimate ugly cycling jersey. It has yellow as a base color and commemorates an occasion. Then again, “Top Banana” does make me laugh at first and then, not so much…which meets criteria #5. Wait...wait a second.  Is that a giant smiling banana hidden in the yellow field?  Dear Lord it is!  So, the MS 150 jersey gets 4 out of 6 Mister Peanuts.  Still if I worked my butt off and raised a ton of money, I'd proudly sport this baby.  

The Baseline for Ugly Jerseys

What’s a Mister Peanut? It’s the most hideous cycling jersey in the world, the scale by which all ugly cycling jerseys are measured, and it’s mine all mine. Suck on that. Ever since I rode the back of a tandem with Mister Peanut (yes an accomplished cyclist in full 7-foot tall costume) as a leg of a cross country promotional tour designed to show the nation once and for all that peanuts are the ultimate energy food, this lovely gem has soiled the walls of my closet. It was worn once, for exactly 10 miles from Wauwatosa Wisconsin to Hales Corners. I worked at a radio station at the time, and believe it or not, broadcast live from the stoker seat with Mister Peanut’s peanuts in my face. It was a blast, until I got home and realized the Mister Peanut Jersey not only features "champion stripes" but also encapsulated all the prerequisites as the world’s most ugly jersey in the world:


1: Uses yellow base color
2: Features an obnoxiously large character/graphic
3: Oversized/Poorly Cut
4: The manufacturer of the jersey won’t even put its name on it
5: Make you laugh at first and then not so much
6: Commemorates a monumental cycling occasion or achievement

Click Here: See The New Styles from PI

Extreme Jersey Makeover Contest p/b Pearl Izumi

Pearl Izumi Launch LS

If you think you have a jersey that can measure up to the dreadful design and nasty nature of Mister Peanut, you can with this trendy, gorgeous, fast-looking Pearl Izumi Launch LS jersey in a size that flatters your physique. Yes, unlike most cycling jersey’s, there’s a women’s cut and it’ll make motorists spill gas and trip over the hose when you stop for Gatorade at the convenience store, take off your helmet and let your hair down. Valued at $80 it’s fitted, offers sun protection, great moisture wicking and being long sleeve is perfect for cool mornings and will look oh-so- pro on the cyclocross circuit. Click here to see the available colors that’ll compliment the Pearl Izumi shorts in your cycling closet.

Puke-a-licious

To win, show us your ugly jersey. Simply click this link and email a photo of that bad-tempered beast to the Best Bike Blog EVER. Put something like “jersey contest” in the subject line. Oh yeah, photos must include something personal to identify you as the poor sap that owns the jersey. Preferably that would be you actually wearing said jersey or, if you’re too embarrassed to have someone see you wearing it, your name written on masking tape attached to the jersey will do. We’ll pick the top 3 most offensive and let our readers judge the winner. 


Deadline for submissions is Friday August 26th, 2011 at Midnight. The week of August 29th we’ll draw the three finalists and let our readers pick the winner by popular vote by Midnight on Thursday, September 1st.

The Perpetual Headwind: A Not-So Scientific Explanation

Headwind? I say vacuum.

Attn: Scientific Research Department at The Best Bike Blog Ever

Upon my recent excursions on the road I am again left to ponder the physics of "The Perpetual Head Wind."  You leave in a head wind. Turn every direction into a headwind and when you are officially bonked & toasted like a forgotten marshmallow over a campfire you turn for home into a small gust that feels like a revisit of Hurricane Ike.

It seems like every cyclist has experienced a ride like this. I humbly apologize if I have missed this post. If not, I would love to hear your thoughts on the topic. :o)

White Bar Tape Forever,

JH (via The Best Bike Blog Ever on Facebook)

Artist Rendering: Perpetual Headwind in Ohio River Valley

Dear JH,

We were among the church congregation at the Sisters of the Merciless Wind this past Sunday in Cincinnati.  Cincinnati is a very unfortunate place to ride when it’s windy.  There are four major river valleys in the area: The Great Miami, The Little Miami, The Licking and of course The Ohio River.  Route 8 which winds its way along the Ohio River is a perfect example of the phenomenon known as The Perpetual Headwind.  You’re in a headwind going west, east, uphill and then, expecting to be able to coast, you’re demoralized by the diabolical downhill headwind. 

The scientists at The Best Bike Blog Ever’s Scientific Research Department, who coincidently didn’t make the cut at Consumer Reports, have come up with an explanation for The Perpetual Headwind.  They think it has everything to do with Dyson Vacuum Cleaner’s patented cyclone technology, or something as freaky as an Englishman who spends too much time with vacuum cleaners. 

It's Science Dammit!

To help explain the theory, our idiots created a mock Ohio River Valley.  They took 2 patented wind wafers and meticulously adhered them to a thermoplastic flat surface.  You can do this at home or in your office with two Post-It-Notes and a CD jewel case.  Picture the post it notes as the ridges of the Ohio Valley and the CD jewel case as the river.  If you blow a westerly wind down the center, what do you think will happen to the ridgelines? 

They’ll blow to the outside of course!  No…no they don’t.  They blow inwards.  How can that be?

Sort of Freaky Isn't It?

You see, when wind blows down a valley, it creates a Dyson Vacuum effect.  The vacuum draws wind from around the other side of the ridges to fill the void in the valley.  What you think is a westerly wind on Route 8, turns into a headwind no matter which way you turn.  Ladies and Gentlemen, the Best Bike Blog Ever official puts the mystery of “The Perpetual Head Wind” to bed.  Good night.

Beating the Solar System...Daylight Training Time

Where’s my other wool sock?  I think your shoe covers are in the garage.  Where’s the charger for my light?  Our cycling world is upside down.  With the time change, unless you can find your blinky light in the blue storage bin, the kibosh has been put on our evening rides.  You can’t slog your carcass out of bed.   The time it takes to put on your shoe covers and layers makes you reconsider if it’s even worth spending all the time to get dressed for a one hour morning ride before work.  According to TimeAndDate.com, sunrise and sunset in Cincinnati is at 7:16am and 5:28pm respectively.  According to you, this sucks donkey dongs. 

Here’s how I’ve been beating the system…the solar system. 

In these dark days, I have 5 workouts that I mix up to make the most of cold weather weekday riding.  The longest is about an hour, the shortest is over in less than 30 minutes.  Add a warm up and cool down for a sub 2 hour well rounded ride.  Do ‘em fast and hard and you can burn up to 800 calories an hour.  Better yet, any of these workouts can be pulled off before or after work and probably without having to ride more than 5-6 miles away.  You might find yourself wondering why you used to do 3 hour rides after work, at least until the first 60 degree day in March.

THE SUFFERING SIX

Find a 6-8 minute hill or loop of singletrack, something you can churn out an 85% steady effort in.  I prefer the hill over flat road, because most flat roads are teeming with rush hour traffic at 7:30am or 6pm on a weeknight.  Get to the park or a posh hillside neighborhood.  The only traffic you’ll find there is residential.  If it’s a park, the only traffic will be the divorcees hooking up for a secret rendezvous of open mouth kisses.  It’s late in the season; you don’t need to do 10 hills.  5-6 times up will do.  Coast or soft pedal your way down for a 4 minute rest.  6 times up a 7 minute hill is 42 minutes of nut bustin’ fun.  Your cross race is 45 minutes.  Ah ha!  Bikefucious say, “You’re welcome.”

THE VICIOUS VISTAS

Find a 3-4 minute steep hill.  In Cincinnati there’s no shortage of these, some neighborhoods like Mt. Adams and Mt. Lookout offer a number of routes you can mix up and never leave the same square mile area.  A side payoff, especially in the Queen City, is the incredible vistas of the city and the river at night.  Sprint as hard as you can till you practically die, settle in and suffer it out at the hardest effort you can carry to the top.  Do 8-10 times.  Catch your breath before heading back down the hill.  Again, ten times up a 3 and a half minute hill is 35 minutes.  Imagine being able to attack and stick it 10 times in your next cross race.

THE EVIL BITCHES

These are the shortest and most horrible intervals.  Some call ‘em “on and offs.”  On one of the 4 minute hills from your Vicious Vistas route, you do three hill repeats.  Yep.  Just 3 times up.  No problem, right?  Nuh, uh.  These will make you tap out like getting gut punched repeatedly by a UFC champion.  Good thing you’ll be done in like 20 minutes.  I do them on the switchbacked hill to the Eden Park overlook.  It’s nice to have a pay off vista when you double over at the top.  On each time up you’ll go all out donkey wheezing snot driveling hard for 30 seconds, recover for 30 seconds and then repeat 4 times up the hill.  If your hill is short, double back down when you recover.  You’ll want to die.  You may puke.  Rest 5 minutes between each.  When you’re done, go for a little half hour cool down noodle.  Think of the cyclocross course.  There are not many sections that ever last for 30 seconds of all out effort.  You just did that a dozen times.  You’ll find you can answer and initiate violent repeated attacks like you’re an insanely evil serial killer.

Yoga in Ault Park courtesy Revolution Fitness

YOGAMALOGA

This year I replaced my old core routine of crunches, pushups, and stair running with yoga.  It’s a perfect stretching and fairly easy core and balance workout that you can pull off on Thursday or Friday afterwork.  Most classes cost $10, provide everything you’ll need and last an hour.  It’s like getting a massage and a core workout all in one.  Hard enough to get something out of it, easy enough that you wont be hurting on Sunday.  Hot room yoga is like stretching in a warm shower after a chilly ride.  Use your massage stick when you get done.  Plus you’ll find Namaste peace and confidence in those stressful cross racing situations where you have to choose between two scary ways through a frozen creek, around 3 slippery off camber corners and up a steep hill in the course of 20 seconds with 5 guys on your wheel.

URBAN CROSS

Take the cross bike out on a local patch of neighborhood trails.  I’ve lived in Madison and Milwaukee Wisconsin, Chicago, Northern Kentucky and now Cincinnati.  Every neighborhood has a patch work of trails and usually a park nearby.  Many times you can link a few sections together with short jaunts on the road.  Every creek or river has trails on both sides.  Every city park has a little trail somewhere.  I'll ride my neighborhood and shoulder my bike up Cincinnati's public steps.  You’ll keep your CX skills honed and not have to put your bike on the car for a dark, lonely ride in the woods being afraid of the boogey man which usually turns out to be a deer.

…Is Thinking Of A New Facebook Status Update

Aw man!  I gotta think of a good Facebook status update for this monumental photo.  Sad.  But yes, it was my first thought after I let out a big woot and scared the cats into next Tuesday.  So many good ones went through my head.  I weighed 159 this morning.  I haven’t sunk below 160 in close to 3 years.  I’ve come close.  Last year, 161 I think.  Two years ago I had a rough CX season.  So, I’m a little excited.  It’s been two hours since the weigh in and two hours 15 minutes since my 2^nd morning poo and I’m still on the fence about what should be the caption.  Fan us on Facebook and you’ll see the chosen one.

Here’s my Facebook status update contenders to go with the photo:  

(what's on your mind?___________________)

Aw F*** how did I gain 490 pounds?  Wait, it’s upside down, my bad.

Clinched the central division.

AYHSMB

Is nude, all up in your grill and frontin’ bitches.

Is testing his newly invented iPad App…iScale.

Do I win free socks for this?

Saw this, jumped up and down shouting like a lunatic and probably wont see his cats for 2 days.

Does weigh 160 wet.

Does not walk around naked with a camera….really.

Is on the top step of the podium!

Suddenly realized he saved $3000 in potential bike upgrades.

Is headed to the DMV to make a revision on his drivers license.

Is above the Yellow line…saying “Suck It!”

Might be able to fit into his college skinsuit.

Can I exhale now?

Oh great, you’re saying, he’s in the 150’s and braggin’ about his slate bathroom floor, what a dick!

Cut off his lower legs and weighed them or has the “Far Side” comic coffee table book.

Facebook Friday-Riding In Sandals with Flintstone Toes

With a quizzical brow she commented, “You’re riding in sandals?”  While riding my GS45 Super Cruiser (my pet name for my 1992 Specialized Crossroads hybrid equipped with hand-me-down once high-end components like XTR V-brakes), a friend and neighbor was out in front of her house.  I had a few minutes.  Instead of giving her the wave, I stopped to chat.  I brushed off the sandal comment explaining I was headed to Yoga in the Park.  Sandals are easy to kick off for Yoga.  Besides, trying to do Yoga with shoes is as impossible as scuba diving in a tuxedo.  All through my Yoga practice, I couldn’t put my hands to heart center and Namaste it away.  Since then and a second comment from another friend, it’s been niggling me.  What’s wrong with riding in sandals? 

Dear little baby Jesus!  Maybe it’s my freaky toes.  Tell me it’s not my freaky toes.  If you must know these are my piggies.  As you can see, my big toe looks like Fred Flintstone naked.  My pointing toe next door is as tall, thin and twisted as Amy Winehouse on crack and my pinky toe and his neighbor are about the size of large cashews.  Thanks for the freak toes Dad.  I wonder.  Was her comment my friend’s way of saying sandals should be only reserved for people with perfect ducks in a row toes.  Maybe I need a pedi…or a plastic surgeon. 

I’m guessing it’s an old wives tale.  Don’t eat before you swim, don’t feed the Mogwai after midnight and never ever, under any circumstances wear sandals while cycling.  Like the Gremlins movie quote, when exactly is “after midnight” and what exactly is wrong with biking in sandals.  I mean besides having Gremlin toes.  One advantage I’ve found, opposed to wearing skater shoes, is you can more easily wrap your toes around the platform to get more power to the pedals, especially helpful with Cincinnati’s hills.  Secondly, you won’t burn your ankle on the imaginary muffler.

For me, wearing sandals comes down to convenience and minimalism.  That’s what riding a city bike is all about, getting from point A to point B with as little hastle as possible.  When I commute the 5-6 miles to work on the GS45, I don’t put on my team kit.  I don’t wear gloves, bring a water bottle or carry a lock.  I wear jeans, a collared shirt and loafers.  Really the only cycling related thing I wear is a helmet.  My main goal is getting to work without sweating.  Believe it or not, I ride ridiculously slow.  I park the bike in my office, take off my helmet, finger feather the helmet hair away and I’m ready to go.  It’s a beautifully simple thing.  You wear on the bike what you want to be wearing when you get there.  With a city bike it’s not about the ride.  It’s about the destination. 

Still I’m confounded by the sandal comment.  So, I put the question to you.  Now and then we ask our Facebook friends a question and post the comments here on Fridays.  We call it Facebook Friday.  If you’d like to participate, friend us in the right hand column and follow us. 

Today’s Facebook Friday question was:  “Is it an old wives tale?  Is there inherent danger?  What’s the issue with riding in sandals?”

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    David R: Getting beat up by the bike fashion police.
    

    
    
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    Tim W: That's an old wive's tale. Someone (Teva?) made some SPD capable sandals a few years back, IIRC.
    

    
    
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    Jason G: Aside the obvious danger to scraping the shit outta your feet in a crash or even a curb strike, you would to shave your toes and feet too.
    

    
    
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    Mitchell B: Way back when I was a kid, I nearly scraped my toe to the bone when I crashed wearing sandals! Severe toe road rash! Not fun!
    

    
    
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    Mark H: If it feels good, do it.
    Fly that freak flag high.
    Shimano makes a clipless sandal.
    Here is my rule: Sandals are okay; Thongs, no way!
    

    
    
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    Cameron P: Shimano and Lake both sell cycling sandals. I doubt it's too dangerous.