Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It’s Not a Poseur Mobile, It’s the Bike Meant for Floyd Landis

The Best Bike Blog Ever Breaking News at Nine!  Joe Biker is…uh…could be…allegedly…riding a bike meant for pro Floyd Landis.  The evidence, slightly less foggy than an Ohio River morning, proves, but not beyond a reasonable doubt, that Joe Biker is not a pedaling poseur by riding a United Health Care Pro Cycling Team branded 2010 Kuota KOM, but instead is riding a freak bit of pro cycling memorabilia. 

Coincidence?  WE THINK NOT!  The facts tell the whole story…well, more or less.  ;)

FACT:  May 2008, The Best Bike Blog Ever meets Floyd Landis at the Mohican 100 MTB race in Ohio.  While enjoying some Magic Hat ales at the BioWheels team cabin the evening before the race, a picture was taken proving that Floyd and I are roughly the same height.  No doubt we ride the same size frame, 55cm. 

FACT:  November 17th 2009 Floyd Landis and Ouch Pro Cycling part ways.  This is first clue that Floyd may not be riding a Kuota in 2010.

FACT:  November 17th, the very same day, with Christmas around the corner and my wife feeling very generous with gifts this year, I inquire via email about purchasing a new Kuota KOM from BioWheels bike shop in Madeira, my team sponsor.

FACT:  November 20th, only 3 days after the announcement that Floyd will not continue riding with Ouch, I get notice that BioWheels is “working” on a special deal for a 55cm Kuota KOM. 

FACT:  Amateur bike racers love the special deal and fantasizing about the prospects of saving loads of money especially on a carbon fiber rocket ship like the Kuota KOM. 

FACTDecember 18th, while my deal is “working,” United Healthcare (formerly Ouch) announces its team roster, officially minus one Floyd Landis.  Proof that Floyd Landis remains a free agent without a contract for 2010.  Could his agent still be in talks with United Heathcare?  Possibly.  Could this be about the same time Kuota starts to put official team logos and clear coat it’s bikes?  Possibly.  Could they have been told to logo one up for Floyd, just in case?  It’s possible!  Sure, it is!

FACT:  A new road bike is pretty much useless on Christmas Day and no one does anything road bike related between Christmas and Valentine’s Day.  While still waiting on news of the “working” deal, I don’t worry too much about having the bike by Christmas and waste countless hours on the internet deciding which (of the three) KOM’s on the website to go with and like all bike geeks endlessly compare side-by-side photos of Easton and DT Swiss wheels with the photos of the frame that I found on the United Healthcare Pro Cycling Team website.  Floyd is also most likely waiting on news of his “working” deal.

FACT:  March 9th 2010, The Bahati Foundation Cycling Team announces the addition of Floyd Landis to its roster officially putting to rest any rumors that Floyd would return to Ouch, now United Health Care.

FACT:  March 11th, only two days after the news of Floyd’s signing with Bahati, I receive mixed news that a 55cm stock Kuota frame is NOT available!  I’m shocked.  However, in the next breath I’m informed there is an “extra” 55cm United Heath Care Pro Team logo bike available at Kuota North American Headquarters in Canada.  Reeeaaaaly?  Hmm.  With the local road scene about to get underway, and looking at how nice the team sponsor logos were done, I say, “Heck ya!  I’ll take it!”  Especially to save a few bucks.

FACT:  March 17th, I take possession of the 2010 55cm United Heath Care Pro Cycling Team Kuota KOM.  I realize that the facts don’t lie.  Behold!  I am not riding a poseur-mobile.  Instead, I own pro cycling memorabilia, the very bike meant for Floyd Landis, had he stayed with United Heathcare.  That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.  

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Singular Benefit of Racing in the Rain

Judging from the way the “confirmed riders” page on looked on Friday I’m almost certain somewhere in the fine print of the USA Cycling upgrade guidelines it says something like this: To upgrade from a 5 to a 4, racers must complete 10 road races or finish well enough to accumulate the necessary upgrade points or learn not to pre-register for road races till the day pre-registration closes.

With rain looming in the forecast, Friday afternoon, before Sunday’s Ohio Valley road race, there were five times as many Cat 5’s pre-registered as compared to those in the 1/2/3’s.  As a public service to those new to road racing and those old dogs that can’t learn new tricks, The Best Bike Blog Ever offers a crash course in Meteorology for Bike Races 101.  Normally this education takes 10 races to master, coincidently the same amount of races necessary to upgrade to Cat 4, but we will drop it on you in one easy to follow eight lesson online course.

It will always be beautiful riding weather the day before your race.  In fact, the crappier the weather looks for race day, the weather the day before will be conversely more spectacular.  You’ll get emails and texts and Facebook will light up with news of all your non-racing bike friends going on spectacular epic rides the day before your race.  In response, you’ll curse yourself the second these words leave your lips, “I’m saving my guns for Sunday.”

Meteorologists could more accurately predict the Final Four out of a field of 64 teams than to forecast the weather for the 10 square mile area and two and a half hour window of your race a week in advance.  Weather forecasts are usually for a large metropolitan area, a hundred square miles or more and over the period of 8 hours, not for the intersection of Black Barn Road and Boondock Ferry Drive Sunday between Noon and Two.  Just like the Elite 8, the forecast is completely unreliable until the hour before the online pre-registration closes, and even then you may still be left guessing.  Baylor say what?

Know who you’re getting your weather from.  There are meteorologists who work at The Weather Channel and the local TV stations.  There are also weather “Forecasters,” usually locally famous disk jockeys from 25 years ago, who got hired to do the weather mainly because they have good personalities and people recognize their name as someone trustworthy.  Your mother may have relied on them on the wacky morning zoo for snow day information when you took the bus to school, but they never went to college to study meteorology and are only still working in broadcasting for the health insurance. 

Most people only go outside to get the paper on Sunday (usually only for the coupons) or the 45 seconds it takes to walk from the car to work or the store.  The usual forecast for any given day sounds like this, “Partly Sunny, high of 65 with a chance of rain.  A cycling forecast would sound like this, “a low pressure system is moving in overnight, the high for the day of 65 degrees will be recorded at 6am, where the sun will peak out for exactly 23 minutes before the rain comes in and sends the temperature plummeting to 43 degrees with a 17mph wind at noon.”  That would be backed up with an hourly breakdown of temperature, futurecast radar, rain chance, rain type, wind conditions, clothing recommendations and tire choice.  This would be followed by a complete historical analysis of the same race in year’s past.  There’s a reason, the TV stations dedicate only 5 minutes to a weeklong forecast.  A proper cycling forecast for the two and a half hour race window in Nowheresville, Yourstate USA would take three times that amount and more brain and computer power than at Google headquarters. 


Registering for a bike race is not the same as committing to a bike ride.  You’re committed to paying the entry fee and a whole series of events such as: figuring out what time you have to leave the house in order to get lost and still make it to the venue in time to register, find the decrepit port-a-poddy and fixing the bib number you pinned upside down; cleaning/lubing your drive train and checking your tires for imbedded sharp rocks; ransacking your pantry for hidden Gu’s and Pop Tarts; disappointing your spouse by going to bed before the rented movie is over; and telling your friends riding on the glorious day before your race that you’re, “saving your guns.”  If the race is on Sunday, you certainly can’t spend Saturday doing anything physical like vacuuming the house or cutting the grass.  Therefore you are now committed to scrubbing toilets, and trimming the bushes on Thursday after work.  Thursday night no doubt will be a beautiful night to ride.

We all know that riding in the rain sucks monkey butt and racing in the rain sucks the blue baboon kind of monkey butt.  Never forget this.  When you skip a race because of rain, no doubt you’ll hear how the race hit a “weather window” or it was only “sprinkles.”  The truth is when your heart rate is at 92 percent and your body is completely numb from soaked Lycra, Hurricane Katrina would feel like sprinkles too.  Secondly, Hurricane Katrina had a weather window too.  It was called the “eye.”  When you hear the post race “you missed a good race it barely rained” hype just nod your head the same way you acknowledge the babbling dirty guy begging for change downtown and move on.  They both are insane.

What’s your time worth?  Most day of registration penalties are an extra $10.  If you sign up early to save $10 and then it rains, you’ll spend at least 2 hours cleaning the road grit off your bike, another hour getting the wet-funk smell out of your car’s upholstery, 15 minutes stuffing the Sunday paper into your shoes, 20 extra minutes in the shower till the shivers subside and an extra $4.95 at the nearest post-race convenience store on crappy coffee and eternally rolling hotdogs.  If you have a job that pays more than a newspaper route, the $10 day of registration penalty is a gamble with odds in your favor.

There is only one thing that racing in the rain does for you; it makes you never want to race in the rain ever again. 

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Summer Face

The neighbor's lillies already have flowers and stand at least a foot tall.  However, I think they cheated and went to the garden store over the weekend.  Tulips two doors down are a few inches taller than their faded mulch.  The red leaflets on our rosebushes grew an inch in the last for or five days.  I can tell already the 10 or so new rose bushes that line the back privacy fence will be spectacular this year.  My cyclist summer face is starting to come in too. 

Winter this year was tough.  It was a full winter, like the ones I remember in Wisconsin, from mid December to early March, schloppy, grey and biting cold.  I’ve lived here now for nearly 10 years and this has been the harshest winter yet.  Usually Cincinnati is blessed with a sprinkling of freak days that reach 50 and 60 degree temperatures in January and February to keep cyclists from slitting their wrists with a rusty spoke.  Not this year.  It was a winter where the time it took to get dressed and undressed for a ride took as long or longer than the amount if time you could survive on a ride.  Winter tested training creativity.  I found a mix of spin classes, frozen mountain bike trail riding, garage iPod trainer sessions, trail work, running, core work and a few winter hikes kept the scale from tipping in the direction that causes Biggest Loser contestants to point fingers when facing elimination.  However, I don’t think I lost more than a pound till daylight savings time and the 40-50-60 degree blanket settled over Cincinnati for good.

Yesterday a coworker commented, “You losing weight?  I can see your cheekbones.”  I’ve been waiting for that.  It felt good, like when my grandma in her shaky soft voice says, “Ooh Joseph you’re so skinny.”  Skinny for a family with its roots in the Milwaukee brewing business I guess.  One grandfather ran a tavern, the other worked at Pabst.   My other grandmother worked at Continental Can Company.  Check the beer cans in your collection for the CCC logo. 

I can see myself in the screen of the laptop right now.  I should take a Skype picture.  But, more than the way my cheekbones look, I like the way they feel.  Washing my face after shaving, I can feel the knuckles under my hollowing eyes.  The edge of my chin feels as edgy and rigid as the bottom of a mayonnaise jar.  Still round, but on it's way to chiseled.  My temples feel as if they were scooped with serving spoon.  Summer face.

On my new Kuota KOM I hung with the big-boy climbers on Dry Run and Kugler Mill last night, two 8-10 minute climbs.  102% of lactate threshold on the ticker-o-meter was sustainable.  It ticked to 105 when someone punched it on the last riser.  I recovered quickly.  Fitness is budding.  Along with the first races, the farmer tan is around the corner.  These are the real signs of spring.  

Monday, March 22, 2010

Farmer Blow...Don't Blow It

Farmers, runners, kayakers, cyclists all have one thing in common: the farmer blow.  If there’s not one already, there’s bound to be a 2nd definition of Farmer Blow on the Urban Dictionary that has nothing to do with snot, nor a bike, but a whole lot to do with the art of rural love making.  This is about the first definition: the act of dislodging a nose nugget with nothing but forced nasal air.  Moreover, I cannot stress this enough, while farmer blows may be an accepted practice while riding a bicycle, doing another outdoor sport or gathering the harvest, it should not be practiced anywhere else…like say while wearing a designer suit just before a meeting with a big client.  Yes…it happened.  Yes…people were horrified.  No…it wasn’t me and no I will never tell.

Personally, just like snapping with my left hand or rolling my tongue upside down, I can’t do a farmer blow.  Part of it is the dexterity and body coordination necessary, the other part is I fear, unlike my ability to spit like a major leaguer in the dugout, I may lack control of the trajectory of something flying out of my nose.  The last part is that, even though I still laugh at farts, I somehow think farmer blows are as gross as my cat licking the earwax of used Q-tips or my retired mother letting the parakeet rub its parakeet bits against her knuckle while sitting on her hand and dismissing it as “natural.”  Still I envy those with the talent.

There are cyclists I know that can accurately fire a mucus missile better than most Redman users can hit a spittoon.  Pa-bing!  While riding at high speed they can deftly plug the unclogged nostril with one finger, and like a potato gun, can air-cannon the booger ball from the other precisely under their arm, above their leg and right into the sewer on the side of the road.  Two points!  I’ve seen it.  It was so amazing and spectacular I nearly applauded.  Bravo Maestro of the Mucus.  Bravo!

It just so happens that one of these mucus maestro cyclists was traveling on business.  Dressed in the finest can deliver and headed into an important client meeting, they and their boss parked their shared rental car and gathered their laptops and folders.  With the traditional “is there any spinach in my teeth” pre-meeting checks taking place, the at-work cyclist checked that the shoes weren’t scuffed, finger nails were clean, put finger to nose and pulled the trigger.  Mmmph-phoop.  Oh yeah.  Then, like a best man adjusting himself in front of first-time family, the reality of the situation overtook the cyclist.  At first, the cyclist thought, “maybe the boss didn’t see it.”  Which of course lasted all of 1.4 seconds when the boss asked, “did you…uh…just…,” without finishing the question.  Yes.  Yes came the sheepish admission.  For splayed on the lapel of that freshly dry cleaned high end suit jacket lay the shrapnel of proof.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Now That's A Good Lookin' Rack!

“Hey good lookin’ we’ll be back to pick ya up later!”  Of course my younger readers might not remember this Karaoke precursor gem of a commercial with all the quality of a bad Saturday Night Live skit, but the quote from the Mister Microphone guy in the convertible is forever engrained in the hard drive of my brain in the same folder as the file for the Chia Pet jingle.  It’s so funny I want to say it again, wink and point my finger at you, “Hey good lookin’ we’ll be back to pick ya up later!”  Hang on.  Let me wipe the laughing tear from my cheek before it drips on the keyboard. 

The reason I bring this up is that, as a cyclist, I too have this uncontrollable reflex that causes me to gawk at pretty things on the sidewalk from my car.  No matter where I am, no matter how fast I’m driving, I’m like the head banded man-pig hipster dufus that wolf whistles at girls on the street from his car window, only I’m checking’ out their bike and keep the comments to myself.  “Nice wheels.”  “Ooh, now those are actually cool lookin’ panniers.”  “What is that?  A Ciocc?  Sweet!“ 

I did it again this morning while driving into downtown Cincinnati along Riverside Drive.  As the name implies, it’s a scenic drive along the Ohio River.  If you’re comfortable riding your bike in traffic, you’re rewarded with a blue sky sunrise over the river draped by the hills of Northern Kentucky.  So, I get in the left lane to pass and get a taste of the eye candy bike porn this commuter is riding.  Only this time, as I looked in the rear view, the bike rider picked his head up toward my direction and checked me out right back.  In my best Joey Tribbiani voice, “How you doing?”  Not surprising.  As a cyclist obviously it should come as no question that we know absolutely everyone in this Tri-State area of 2 million people who have a bike rack on their car.  We’re all part of the bike brotherhood.  So, while the sun glistening off his brass blinged Brooks Brothers saddle caught my eye, no doubt he saw my 5-bike roof rack on my Toyota 4-Runner and said to himself, “now that’s….a good looking rack.”   

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Interview With A Finalist - The Design Your Ridley Contest

He has issues with white bar tape before Memorial Day, can spot mis-matched cable crimps from 20 bike lengths away, and isn’t afraid to use the word fugly in public. He’s Nick Tinsler, OVCX series regular, member of Cincinnati’s Team Darkhorse, the guy who custom paints and decals his own bikes just because he can and most importantly a fan of The Best Bike Blog Ever. He’s one of five US based finalists who designed their own Ridley Noah bike and now has a chance of winning it as part of Ridley Bicycles Design Your Ridley competition. This…is the Facebook Interview:

TBBBE: Why should we vote for your design, US19?

NT: Free handlebar rides for everyone if I win!

TBBBE: Woot! Do you have formal training as a bike fashion designer, or do you have a natural flair for fashion?

(Nick's Hopefully Bike Winning Ridley Design Pictured Above)

NT: I do not have any formal training as a bike fashion designer, but if you know where I could find that kind of program, I would consider an online degree. I have a degree in industrial design, which is basically a product designer.

TBBBE: Italian espresso, Belgian waffles, French wine...where did your inspiration for this design come from?

NT: Belgian waffles with an espresso reduction drizzled over the top...

TBBBE: Speaking of taste, about your design, we think it’s the best, not because you’re a fan of the blog, but because it actually shows a good eye for balance and restraint. Can you tell us more about it and why you decided not to put any blue on the stem, hoods or bar tape?

NT: I think a successful paint scheme works with the shape and lines of the frame. The Noah has some subtle curves that I wanted to highlight, as well as the integrated seat mast. I kept the cockpit all white because the cycling world probably has another couple years till white is not the lustiest color of the peloton. If this was my personal bike, I'd have blue or black tape on till Memorial Day. Just like white slacks and seersucker, you only rock white tape in the summer time.

TBBBE: Right on brotha froma nutha mutha. Let’s talk about some of your competition. US08’s design is on the brink of giving people seizures, like someone wrapped yesterday’s edition Le Equipe on the top tube. It also lacks balance between the blue Ridley logos on the lower part of the bike and the red logo on the seat. What are your thoughts on US08?

NT: It's a little too repetitive for my tastes, kind of like Specialized (the NASCAR of the cycling world). We get it. We know it’s a Specialized. The other 15 logos told us.

TBBBE: Oh my gawf…uh excuse me. (recovering from spit-take after Specialized slam.) Okay. According to The Best Bike Blog Ever reporters at Paris Fashion Week, the trendy colors for bikes this season are red, black and white…why did you buck the trend with the blue and white motif?

NT: That is funny, because main stream fashion moves so quickly, but the cycling world moves sooooo slow. I mean it only took 3 years for white components to catch on, right? Black and red will always be a safe choice, but there is so much more out there. Trek is doing some cool color schemes, and there are some cool custom stuff going on at the NAHMBS (also a lot of fugly stuff, too). As much as I try and draw inspiration from other places, you still can't go wrong with the euro peloton.

TBBBE: While we’re on the subject of 2010’s trendy colors of red, black and white, let’s take a look at another competitor, US83. While we applaud the designer for a creation with more mass appeal, we also bitch slap them for not being more fashion forward. Thoughts?

NT: I like this one a lot as well. It’s a simple, clean design. I just hope that the cycling public is not wooed away by the designer's use of Adobe Illustrator trickery. Just because he/she knows how to make the spokes white, and the nipples red and use a blown up Zipp rim for a background, doesn't mean that they designed the best frame.

TBBBE: Which pro cyclist would you choose to model your creation and why?

NT: I would say Mario Cippolini, because he just exuded style and cockiness in his day (photo at left), but I am afraid as to what sort things my bike might pick up from him. Tom Boonen is quite the hard man, but I didn't design in a coke mirror on the stem. I'd have to go with Robbie McEwen or Mark Cavendish.

TBBBE: Looking at the 3rd of your 4 competitors, US31’s is a well balanced design, but a little too, what’s the word….”German Tattoo” for our taste. Also, the Best Bike Blog Ever’s persnickety bike fashion police have noticed a fashion faux paux. All the cable housings are yellow except for the rear brake. Tisk tisk. Do you agree US31 is lacking an attention to detail?

NT: I really like the gray on black texture, although it would be hard to reproduce in production. If I were tweaking this design, I'd swap the hoods and tape for black, and enlarge the downtube logo. The black brake cable is unfortunate, like uncoordinated cable crimps - shame.

TBBBE: Seeing how he’s an expert at all things Ridley, The Best Bike Blog Ever has asked Ridley The Cyclocross Wonder Dog to comment on your Ridley bike design. What do you think the Wonder Dog will say?

NT: I think that he would mount up on the rear wheel out of admiration and dog-like dominance play.

RTCWD: (Unfortunately, at the time of publishing Ridley The Cyclocross Wonder Dog was in the backyard and still unavailable for comment and/or the pee of approval.) If you'd like to have a cyclocross wonder dog as a Facebook friend, click here.

TBBBE: The last of your competitors, US77, shows originality. The black to blue fade from front to back is subtle. Like a good piece of art, it keeps your eyes on the page. However, The Best Bike Blog Ever thinks it feels a little unfinished. What are your thoughts?

NT: I like this design a lot. The blue to black fade is like a throw back to those old fades on 1980's steel race bikes. I also think the artist stole my cocked downtube logo placement.

TBBBE: Cocked. (giggle)

NT: I think that this design could be in production at most any bike company out there right now, but it doesn't push the boundaries.

TBBBE: We know you’ve dabbled in painting some of your other bikes in real life, bikes that probably had a decent factory paint job to begin with. Tell us about your favorite homegrown creation. What type of bike and process did you use?

NT: Three bikes come to mind: the first is a Kona Major Jake Cylocross frame. I painted it white with a blue pearl over the top. I applied some custom decals that I made from a home hobby kit. The frame was topped off with so much clear coat that I struggled to get the seat collar on! The second…is one that I painted for one of my best buds, who first got me into cycling. It was a Bianchi San Lorenzo that I designed and painted with a subtle inspiration of the Ohio State Buckeyes. I painted it with over the counter acrylic lacquers from the auto parts store, or as I like to call it "rattle can" style. The best part of this paint job was that we designed a custom team kit to match. The last bike that comes to mind is one that I just got done building up. (Pictured Above) I bought a no-name aluminum frame and painted it with a paint job that would match my team's (Darkhorse) new kits (which has a) cowboy motif.

TBBBE: Good luck my friend. And readers please do Nick a favor,
click on this link to the Design Your Ridley Competition and vote for Nick’s blue and white design. US19 baby! Voting ends March 19th, 2010.

Monday, March 8, 2010

The Unbeatable Team Flomax

(Note: this post contains the F' word numerous times and for good reason) White hair pokes from their ears between their helmet straps. With quad-zilla legs and wrinkly elbows, they jokingly refer to their kind as Team Flomax. Retired or semi-retired with more time to ride and enough money to handsomely finance the cycling habit, they’re fast fuckers too. They’re reached the age of the unbeatable. Old enough that there isn’t too much competition older than them and, at the same time, getting beat by anyone younger than them just isn’t fair. On top of that, beating anyone younger than them is like natural Viagra. Beating anyone younger than them and then rubbing it in the unsuspecting youth’s face is like taking Viagra with Red Bull. That’s the real reason retirement is grand. It’s a free pass to give youth the middle finger.

Put it this way, if you don't recognize the pills on the left, you're not on Team Flomax...yet. For anyone too young to be on Team Flomax, which I realize is somewhat subjective, the same principal that makes it completely lame to win any competition versus a 2 year old also makes it a chump move to outsprint or drop someone who is taking more money out of their 401k than you’re putting in. Essentially, if you’re on a group ride with a soon to be senior and you're not one, you’re fucked. And, they fuckin’ know it.

The county sprint sign loomed over the next riser. As the pace stepped up a notch and then another, the lead-out man of Team Flomax made his move with his captain in tow. That’s as irresistible to a cyclist as a moving ribbon to a cat. Instinctively, I clawed onto the train. It left the station too early. Their cars derailed and I came around and nabbed the honors with a good two bike lengths to spare!

So, how’s it feel to beat up on a guy who turns 60 this year? He asked with a quizzical twinkle of sarcasm in his eye. With one line, the fucker let the air out of my tires. I can call him fucker because I’ve ridden with him enough times to have earned the privilege. And, the fucker just played the AARP card. Old fuckers also enjoy being fuckers. Out of breath because I actually used every ounce of energy I had to beat their asses, “Fuck I’m 42,” I said. The last spec of jubilation drained from my brain and was replaced with a good ‘old dose of catholic guilt and humility. No quip of a comeback in mind, fuck, I thought. “Shit he’s 55? Tom, how old are you?” He asked another guy continuing to twist the knife he jabbed in my ego. Tom shouted back,” 53” or something like that. “What? You still out of breath,” he niggled me again. Son of a bitch, I thought. Older guys love being fuckers and I fuckin’ love it.

One day I’ll be a fucker too.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Inland Tsunami Warning: Inside People Beware!

Sound the sirens! Type the twitters! Inside People listen up! This is not an EAS test. It’s not a rogue wave on the Ohio, but the Athleticometeorologists at The Best Bike Blog Ever Institute for Outdoor Recreation have issued an Inland Tsunami Warning from sunrise on Saturday March 6th through sunset on Sunday March 7th for the Greater Cincinnati area and points south. With air temperatures forecast to be nearly 20 degrees warmer than what residents have experienced in the past month, the roads and sidewalks and bike paths of Cincinnati will certainly flood this weekend with a big ass wave of recreationalists. Oh the humanity! Since it may take a long time for those with more girth than most to get the hell out of the way, smokers and those otherwise unfit should start slogging their way to higher ground immediately, or at least away from public areas and thoroughfares. Those prone to get irate with runners running against traffic in the street or who bang their steering wheels and can’t control their middle finger when cyclists ride two abreast on the road should take a double dose of chill pills right now. Residents and travelers of roads such as Riverside, Route 8, Route 10, Round Bottom or any secondary road that starts with a number and ends in the word mile, (for example: 5 Mile) should be on notice for an annoying amount of bicycle and foot traffic. Roads that combine the names of two adorable rural towns (such as Loveland-Madeira) should also be avoided. Drivers are also advised to avoid scenic routes and roads with covered bridges and instead travel roads that normally have the most amounts of cars and highest speed limits. Routes that begin with the letter “I” followed by a number (like I-75) are highly recommended. Additionally, vehicular travel on any road that contains the true to life descriptives of creek, lane, hill, old or shady in its name will likely be impeded. Lastly, pretty much, attempting to drive on any road in the beautiful community of Indian Hill should probably be avoided all together.

At this time, as a community service to those that may be considered “inside people,” The Best Bike Blog Ever would like to offer a blanket advance apology for the amount of what you would call “idiots” on the roads and sidewalks and bike paths this weekend. A mile is 5280 feet, and no doubt on average you’ll encounter at least 5281 idiots per mile. These so called idiots will likely include: runners, walkers, skateboarders, cyclists, dog-walkers and that one guy in town who has figured out how to combine all of the aforementioned outdoor activities into one with his urban dog sled. Those near neighborhood parks should be on the lookout for the errant Frisbee or over zealous unleashed pooch. To avoid the idiots, Inside People are advised right now to stock up with plenty of smokes, butter, salt, cheesy poofs, shortening, Lil Kings, and gasoline at your local Krogers (the “s” added on purpose) before sunrise on Saturday, March 5th. Once again, this Inland Tsunami warning for The Greater Cincinnati area, and other areas south expected to experience temperatures at least 20 degrees warmer than the past few weeks, will expire at sunset on Sunday March 6th. Thank you for your cooperation.