Sans Bike, Cyclist Out Run-Killed By Zombie

If only to survive the inevitable zombie attack, I believe everybody should be able to run a mile.  If not, accept the consequences…becoming an open head wound Zazzle.com t-shirt wearing zombie yourself. 

There’s added incentive in my neighborhood.  Aside from the fact that most of the Marlboro Maniacs that frequent the local quickie-mart are easy zombie targets which increases the chances of me being devoured by zombies, up in Mt. Lookout Square, exactly 1 mile away from my house is United Dairy Farmers Ice Cream Shop, Cincinnati’s Famous Zipps Café and the little known secret pizza place called Lucy Blue.  If it’s not to outrun chain-smoking zombies, I can run a mile for a cup of Raspberry Chocolate Chip.  However, without their bike at the ready, sadly most cyclists would face the fate of my less than healthy neighbors. 

You’re a cyclist.  You think you’re fit.  You can ride your bike for hours and hours, miles upon miles.  You can climb.  You can sprint.  You’ll be laid up for three days if you attempt to run for 10 minutes.  You’ve got the BMW twin-turbo engine, unfortunately you have the drive train of a 1978 Chevy Chevette.  You'd so not survive the zombie apocalypse. 

Behold!  I have discovered a running workout program for cyclists which will not make you sore, is more or less 20 minutes long, and if all goes well allow you to run the local 5k in a time your tri-athlete friends will not poke fun of.  In no time, you'll have the guns to out run any character on the Walking Dead and 99% of people who call running shoes sneakers.  

In an experiment, I sort of applied a cyclocross workout to running.  Last fall I started doing a workout gleaned from Cyclocross National Champion Katie Compton.  It’s called the 30-30-30 workout.  Essentially you sprint on the bike for 30 seconds, run for 30 seconds, ride easy for 30 seconds and repeat for 5-10 minutes.  While I did get faster at cross, both running and in transitions, I also noticed a huge unforeseen benefit.  I was not sore from running the next day, or the day after that.  Thank you Oprah.  Thank you Tom Cruise.  Thank you little baby Jesus.

Zombie Kllers Pearl Izumi Peak II

I’ve been running twice a week with the workouts below.  I’ll be on week 4 next week.  The key is easing into it with short 1 minute intervals.  The run is short, but right out the gate, faster than a zombie.  The rest is 1 minute, but a super easy brisk walk.  The walk speed could allow a determined zombie to catch up, but you’d take off again before he tears into your shoulders.  In 4 weeks, you’ll be up to a 2 mile run.  In 6, you’ll save face at the local 5k.  The big bonus, rest and a pace change is always on the horizon, because as a cyclist, running sucks as bad as a zombie attack.

WEEK 1: 18 Minutes

Warm up 3 minute walk at zombie pace (3.5-4mph). 

Easy jog for 30 seconds (5.5-6 mph).

Walk for 30.

Jog for 30.

Walk for 30.

Fast jog intervals 

(Fast jog, 6-6.5 mph, for 1 minute…followed by 1 minute walk. Alternate for 10 minutes.  Roughly 1.5 miles)

Cool down with 2-3 Minute walk.

WEEK 2: 22 Minutes

Same thing, but do the intervals at a Full-on run (7.5 mph) for 1 minute…followed by 1 minute walk and extend period to 15 minutes.  Was about 1.7 miles.

WEEK 3: 22 Minutes

Same thing, but extended the full on run to 1.5 minutes with same 1 minute walk rest.  Came out to almost 2 miles.

WEEK 4: 22 Minutes

Keep the run the same 1.5 minutes…maybe a pinch faster, but take the 1 minute rest period to the slow jog speed.  (essentially running for the whole 15 minutes, should be a bit over 2 miles)

WEEK 5: 25-30 Minutes

Probably extend the full on run to 2 minutes, keep the rest at a 1min jog, but extend the workout to 25-30 minutes.  Should end up being a sub 30 minute 5k (3 miles)

Joe Note: As a cyclist who is planning to run the Flying Pig Marathon, The Jimmy Road Rash blog has some good tips on running form this week.  Click here for video demo and more.

#Cyclocross: Surviving The Holiday Abyss

The faded workout has treated me well

My Christmas list sadly begins with socks.  The other thing I’m working on in early December is how to bridge the fitness abyss of after-work darkness, St. Nick’s candy, Dorothy's ham gravy, and a marathon of New Years Eve parties between now and Cyclocross Nationals.  Then it struck me like a V8 vegetable juice palm slap upside the forehead, my modified Chris Carmichael workout.  It’s an hour long, burns nearly 800 calories and is a good general power workout.  I scribbled it down on post it note which remarkably, 3 years later, is still adhering to the side of the 1987 13-inch TV in front of my trainer set-up. 

I’m no coach, which is precisely why I have no problem copying Chris Carmichael’s workout, modifying it and then dispensing the result as my own for free.  While others charge for their training secrets or leave you wondering what kind of incredible workout they did to post quotes like this to Facebook: “contact Crossresults.com and put that trainer on my victims list,” I have no problem telling you what has got me this season’s incredible mid-pack results and kept me off the podium.  All kidding aside, I started the season finishing in the mid 30’s and now I’m knocking on the door of a top 20.  While no one has noticed this incredible performance but me, something must be working.  Either that, or the 15 Ohio Valley Elite Cyclocrossers I think I’ve become faster than have been abducted by aliens. 

Come Nationals and Worlds time, one thing is for certain, some people will be slower than they are this weekend.  Some will be faster.  I prefer the latter.  If the thought of racing cyclocross past Sunday doesn’t make you want to cry for mama between bouts of the pukes, I think the best you can do at this point is sharpen your fitness and skills over the next 3 weeks.  Come New Year’s day, aside from rest, there’s no interval workout that’ll make you any faster.  So really, you’ve got about 3 weeks to polish that middle of the pile turd.  Chop chop.

As far as skills, I'll try to spend at least one day/week on the cross bike practicing dismounts, starts, and hill carries.  It probably wouldn't hurt to do some running in there too.  I've lived in Wisconsin in January.  I've had to dig my car out of 17 inch snowfalls.  There's no guarantees you'll be riding your bike at Nationals.  Aside from that and keeping your core solid, you still can get quicker and snappier.  While the original workout is listed below, over the years I’ve adapted the structure to specific cyclocross workouts.  Do the warm up, pick the 15 or 30 sec interval workout and be off the trainer at 60 minutes even.  I like to start at 6:30pm with the evening news and finish up with Extra-Extra!  Print it out and tape it to your TV.

WARM UP:

6 Min Easy Warm Up

1 Min Fast Pedal 110-120 rpm

1 Min Recover

1 Min Fast Pedal 110-120 rpm

1 Min Recover

OPTION 1: CX ATTACK 15 on 15 off Interval Insert

5 minute set of 15 on 15 off.

In a hard gear, 53x14ish, simulate starting, punching it out of corners, driving up a short steep hill. 15 sec attacking as hard as you can, 15 sec no pedaling (coasting.)

5 min rest.

Repeat set 5 times.

5 minute easy pedal cool down.

OPTION 2: CX STICK IT 30 on 30 off Interval Insert

5 minute set of 30 on 30 off.

Simulate the effort you’d put in hammering straightaways between course features.  Don’t punch it at the beginning, ramp up to a 100% effort you can sustain for 30 seconds.  Recover in between efforts with a  high cadence spin. 

5 min rest.

Repeat set 5 times.

5 Minute easy pedal cool down.

OPTION 3: ROAD/HILL POWER (The Original Carmichael Workout...more or less)

Five 2 minute efforts with 2 minute fast spin recovery in between.

The two minute effort should be steady and sustained, but as hard as you can handle without loosing power for 2 minutes.  Think hammering a breakaway.

Recover with easy spin for 6 minutes between sets.

Repeat 5x2 efforts a 2nd time.

8 Minute Easy Spin Cool Down.

Beating the Solar System...Daylight Training Time

Where’s my other wool sock?  I think your shoe covers are in the garage.  Where’s the charger for my light?  Our cycling world is upside down.  With the time change, unless you can find your blinky light in the blue storage bin, the kibosh has been put on our evening rides.  You can’t slog your carcass out of bed.   The time it takes to put on your shoe covers and layers makes you reconsider if it’s even worth spending all the time to get dressed for a one hour morning ride before work.  According to TimeAndDate.com, sunrise and sunset in Cincinnati is at 7:16am and 5:28pm respectively.  According to you, this sucks donkey dongs. 

Here’s how I’ve been beating the system…the solar system. 

In these dark days, I have 5 workouts that I mix up to make the most of cold weather weekday riding.  The longest is about an hour, the shortest is over in less than 30 minutes.  Add a warm up and cool down for a sub 2 hour well rounded ride.  Do ‘em fast and hard and you can burn up to 800 calories an hour.  Better yet, any of these workouts can be pulled off before or after work and probably without having to ride more than 5-6 miles away.  You might find yourself wondering why you used to do 3 hour rides after work, at least until the first 60 degree day in March.

THE SUFFERING SIX

Find a 6-8 minute hill or loop of singletrack, something you can churn out an 85% steady effort in.  I prefer the hill over flat road, because most flat roads are teeming with rush hour traffic at 7:30am or 6pm on a weeknight.  Get to the park or a posh hillside neighborhood.  The only traffic you’ll find there is residential.  If it’s a park, the only traffic will be the divorcees hooking up for a secret rendezvous of open mouth kisses.  It’s late in the season; you don’t need to do 10 hills.  5-6 times up will do.  Coast or soft pedal your way down for a 4 minute rest.  6 times up a 7 minute hill is 42 minutes of nut bustin’ fun.  Your cross race is 45 minutes.  Ah ha!  Bikefucious say, “You’re welcome.”

THE VICIOUS VISTAS

Find a 3-4 minute steep hill.  In Cincinnati there’s no shortage of these, some neighborhoods like Mt. Adams and Mt. Lookout offer a number of routes you can mix up and never leave the same square mile area.  A side payoff, especially in the Queen City, is the incredible vistas of the city and the river at night.  Sprint as hard as you can till you practically die, settle in and suffer it out at the hardest effort you can carry to the top.  Do 8-10 times.  Catch your breath before heading back down the hill.  Again, ten times up a 3 and a half minute hill is 35 minutes.  Imagine being able to attack and stick it 10 times in your next cross race.

THE EVIL BITCHES

These are the shortest and most horrible intervals.  Some call ‘em “on and offs.”  On one of the 4 minute hills from your Vicious Vistas route, you do three hill repeats.  Yep.  Just 3 times up.  No problem, right?  Nuh, uh.  These will make you tap out like getting gut punched repeatedly by a UFC champion.  Good thing you’ll be done in like 20 minutes.  I do them on the switchbacked hill to the Eden Park overlook.  It’s nice to have a pay off vista when you double over at the top.  On each time up you’ll go all out donkey wheezing snot driveling hard for 30 seconds, recover for 30 seconds and then repeat 4 times up the hill.  If your hill is short, double back down when you recover.  You’ll want to die.  You may puke.  Rest 5 minutes between each.  When you’re done, go for a little half hour cool down noodle.  Think of the cyclocross course.  There are not many sections that ever last for 30 seconds of all out effort.  You just did that a dozen times.  You’ll find you can answer and initiate violent repeated attacks like you’re an insanely evil serial killer.

Yoga in Ault Park courtesy Revolution Fitness

YOGAMALOGA

This year I replaced my old core routine of crunches, pushups, and stair running with yoga.  It’s a perfect stretching and fairly easy core and balance workout that you can pull off on Thursday or Friday afterwork.  Most classes cost $10, provide everything you’ll need and last an hour.  It’s like getting a massage and a core workout all in one.  Hard enough to get something out of it, easy enough that you wont be hurting on Sunday.  Hot room yoga is like stretching in a warm shower after a chilly ride.  Use your massage stick when you get done.  Plus you’ll find Namaste peace and confidence in those stressful cross racing situations where you have to choose between two scary ways through a frozen creek, around 3 slippery off camber corners and up a steep hill in the course of 20 seconds with 5 guys on your wheel.

URBAN CROSS

Take the cross bike out on a local patch of neighborhood trails.  I’ve lived in Madison and Milwaukee Wisconsin, Chicago, Northern Kentucky and now Cincinnati.  Every neighborhood has a patch work of trails and usually a park nearby.  Many times you can link a few sections together with short jaunts on the road.  Every creek or river has trails on both sides.  Every city park has a little trail somewhere.  I'll ride my neighborhood and shoulder my bike up Cincinnati's public steps.  You’ll keep your CX skills honed and not have to put your bike on the car for a dark, lonely ride in the woods being afraid of the boogey man which usually turns out to be a deer.

How to Derail CX Training in 10 Minutes Before Yoga

I could’ve sat in my car in the parking lot and tried not to look like a creepy dude watching women go into the gym. I could’ve watched Tiger announce his divorce on ESPN on the TV over the juice bar.  I could’ve whipped out my dumb phone and checked out pro cycling pre-Vuelta chest thumping on Velonews.  I could’ve snagged a copy of Muscle and Fitness from the magazine rack with my beanie biker arms and enjoyed a banana.  Traffic was light.  I got out of work a tish early.  I was 25 minutes early for Yoga on Monday.  How I chose to kill the time before class killed my entire cyclocross training plan for the week and I’m still trying to unkill it.

They have fancy names like blocks or periods in most training plans.  Mine’s no different.  If you don’t have a coach or a Joe Friel book to make training sound all scientific and calculated; you ride hard, recover, repeat and use the word interval twice a week.  I took my weekend beating and rode hard on the BioWheels’ shop ride, aptly nicknamed the Saturday Morning Beatdown.  Sunday, I rode the mountain bike with my wife and a few female teammates at moderate pace.  Monday, I was faced with a dilemma.  (This is precisely why having a coach or a Joe Friel plan is a good idea.  It keeps you from making dumb decisions or at least being able to blame someone else for bad ideas.)

I didn’t feel like I needed a recovery, but knowing that I had to get a cyclocross practice and an interval workout in sometime Tuesday and Wednesday, I decided still it was probably best to take it easy on Monday in anticipation of the hard work ahead.  That WAS a good idea.  I chose to go to Yoga, stretch out the body and get a little core workout in.  That WAS a good idea too.  If you haven’t tried it, Yoga is quite challenging and leads do discovering that even though you can trackstand your bike for the duration of three minute stoplights, you have the balance of a 21 year old at bar time compared to the nine nymphs that will surround you in class.  I’m quite certain they all could do no-handed stoplight track stands while balancing only with their big toe on the headset cap.

However, I was early to Yoga.  Not a good idea for people who can’t sit still in a gym.  With 25 minutes before class, I plopped on the sticky vinyl black mat in the gym just outside the Yoga studio.  I stretched a bit.  I looked at the clock.  With 24 minutes remaining, I rolled onto my back and busted out a set of bicycle crunches.  The trainer and his client nearby were doing planks with a stopwatch.  Being able to over hear them, I secretly joined in, holding my planks as long as her.  When she rested, I went back to the bicycle crunches.  I felt strong.  25 bicycles, one minute-twenty plank, 25 bicycles, one minute-twenty plank, 25 bicycles, one minute-twenty plank, 25 bicycles, one minute-twenty plank, 25 bicycles, one minute-twenty plank.  Oh look its 5:52pm!  Time to get embarrassed by the nymphs.

STUPID…STUPID…STUPID!

I still feel like someone took a Cuisinart mixer and made a smoothie out of my abdomen.  It’s been nearly 3 days.  I skipped hill repeats on Tuesday.  It hurts when I sneeze.  I skipped Wednesday cyclocross practice in favor of an easy ride that didn’t require a whole lot of use of my middle muscles.  It’s Thursday and I’m running out of options to put the pieces of my training plan back together.  One thing is for certain, in retrospect, looking like a creepy guy in a parking lot doesn’t seem to be a bad choice anymore. 

Tis The Season For Spreading Cheer, Junk Dusting, and Taint Drying

The parking lot at the gym and the spin class sign up sheets are starting to fill up. Here’s some helpful tips to get the most out of your membership.

Do use the convenient bench in the locker room to rest after your extremely vigorous steamy hot shower workout. A bench! How awesome! Who doesn’t wish the bathroom at home had a place to sit, rest and pull on your socks. It’s pure bliss. Don’t, however, put a towel down. It could be dangerous! Research shows slips and falls cause most injuries. Be safe. Your bare skin allows more grip on the over shellacked bench surface than a thick soft fuzzy gym towel. So, bare-bottom that bench. That way you won’t slide off when putting your man-powder all over your junk. And, if you have extra long old-man berries, just wrap them around the edge of the bench, like a third hand for that Robo-Grip effect.

Do wear bib shorts to spin class, they look pro. To look even more pro, like you’re preparing for the Tour time trial in front of the team bus next to Lance, don’t put the straps over your shoulders. Let them dangle. Bigger folks will appreciate giving that Thanksgiving spare tire room to breath in that hot spin room. If you are particularly hairy, match those oversized bibs with an equally undersized jersey. That way when you bend over to reach the handlebars, you can show off your personal old-growth Arenberg Forest and scenic valley to the lovely ladies behind you.

Do get everything you can out of your workout. Don’t hold anything back. Spin classes with jump intervals are perfect for working out that extra gas you have pent up inside from the double bacon cheeseburger you had for lunch. With the way spin bikes are lined up at the gym, there is no possible way that the person directly behind you will even know you farted. Who me?

Do shower after your workout, but don’t forget to dry EVERYTHING off. There’s nothing worse than walking out to your car in below freezing weather with water left to crystallize on your taint. That’s exactly the reason they put taint dryers in the gym locker room. Use the wall mounted one with the chrome rotating blower to get the general wetness off your lower trunk. Then use the hand held taint wetness eliminator to get those hard to reach places like between your cheeks and under your belly.

Do drink every chance you get. Don’t get dehydrated. Immediately after your 30 minute treadmill run, zip over to the drinking fountain and take a few gulps. You’ve earned it! Don’t worry about the sweat dripping off your forehead, off your arms, down your hands and onto the public bubbler. You seriously could die or go into shock if you take needless time to wipe the perspiration off your body before drinking. (Bubbler is Wisconsin speak for drinking fountain.)

Do stay in the zone. Don’t lose your focus, especially if you need to use the restroom mid-workout. Take care of business as quickly as possible and get back to yoga class or your free-weight session. Don’t take the chance of forgetting which pose or set number you were on. Everyone knows those drips pooling in front of the urinal are from condensation of locker room steam, not because you forgot to shake and dance. No one ever goes barefoot in a locker room anyway. Also know your heart rate could drop while washing your hands. So, get back out there asap! Grab a hold of that yoga block and five pound hand weight and focus-focus-focus.

Do ignore everything I said. Don’t spread your grossness.

Don’t Hate On The Run Homie: Three Running Rules For Cyclists

I used to be a hater of the run, quite frankly because the echoes of my Full Metal Jacket wannabe 7^th grade gym teacher screaming “pull hard, finish strong” still tortures me to this day.  Running a mile and militant Phy-Ed teachers rank right up there with your parent’s choice in music on the suck-o-meter when you’re 12.  Now, a couple of decades later, I’ve realized running can live in harmony with my bike, maybe Mister Keller wasn’t a complete tool and maybe the 70’s band Bread wasn’t totally lame.  As a cyclist, running can be great training and just as great an escape, if you choose your routes carefully.  You could only snap the photo above of the Dorado, Puerto Rico coastline on foot.  In that way, running makes me appreciate my rides more.

Rule number one: I only run where I can’t ride a bike.  That can be the first challenge.  Goat path trails and/or stairs mark every running route I do.  Last week on vacation in Puerto Rico coral cliffs, deepish sand and the steep cuts of stream inlets marked my ocean front run.  At home in Cincinnati, I always choose a route that incorporates a couple flights of the cities famous public steps or a detour through the downed branch strewn hiking trails in a local park.  Choosing a route I couldn’t tackle on two wheels helps me explain the running to the evil cyclist in my head.  Being slower, running can reveal details of scenery a bike can’t deliver, like those in these photos of my runs in Dorado, Puerto Rico last week. 

Rule number two: while I usually run 2-3 times a week, I only run when I can’t ride.  Lunch hour is a perfect time to eek in a 40-45 minute run and still have time for a sink shower and wolf down a sandwich in the same time your coworkers drive to McDonalds and make a stop at the mall.  Plus, you can double up on the day with bike ride after work.  At home I run at night, or when weekend trips to Target, fixing this old house, or weather get in the way of a respectable length ride. 

Rule number three: while I usually run anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour, I never usually run the entire time.  It makes running more exciting.  I break up my runs with 3-4 sets of crunches, pushups and other core/plyometric exercises.  On my work run, I split the run up at the tops of three big lookout hills.  I did the same in Puerto Rico, stopping at incredible vistas.  At each stop, I hit the dirt and give my 7^th grade drill sergeant 25 crunches, 15 pushups, 25 jumping jacks and 15 star jumps.  As I continue on toward the next hill, I hear “pull hard, finish strong” in my head. 

American Idle Workout

You got a suspected doper, a loudmouth who calls out all your faults, a skinny guy who tries to hold the group together and a guy who’s uses worn out phrases in every vocalization….pothole dawg.  It’s a typical breakaway group.  Tuesday night I’m riding with Paula, Randy, Simon and Ryan.  It’s the American Idol 2009 premiere and your chance to be more active than the billion or so real American idles who’ll watch the show growing a root in the sofa under a trough full of raspberry chocolate chip delight.  Below is a spinning trainer workout I’ve painstakingly created in 14.2 seconds that you can do on a bicycle trainer, a treadmill, elliptical or any other fitness apparatus you can stick in front of the TV.  It’s a two hour show, so mix it up if the thought of two hours on a bike trainer makes you urk up a puke.  Do an hour and fifteen minutes on the bike and a 45 minute run.  Print it off, take it to the gym, give it to your spinning instructor or bring it to your home torture chamber Tuesday night.  I tried to make it winter/spring friendly, meaning its more strength and endurance based.

SET-UP WARM UP

No doubt the first 5-10 minutes of the American Idol Season 8 Premiere before the first commercial break will relive past Idol shows, total train wreck performances and setting up where they are filming now blah-blah-blah.  Start spinning or walking and ramp yourself into a nice endurance type effort.  Take this pace into the first commercial break.

COMMERCIAL BREAK/PROMO PUSH

During commercials drop the tempo down to recovery mode, but get ready.  When the Fox promos come on (commercials that tease upcoming FOX shows and the local nightly newscast) up the tempo to 80 percent.  Chances are you’ll get nice little 3 minute recovery followed by a 20-60 second hard effort tempo intervals in every break, kind of like coming to the front of the paceline.  Be aware and pay attention, sometimes they’ll run commercials, a promo, another commercial and more promos. 

IDOL ENDURANCE

When the show comes back on, endure the show in endurance mode, a 75% effort, with the below exceptions.   

DAWG-STUPID-SLAM INTERVALS

During the show, whenever Randy says “dawg,” Paula says something stupid that sounds Vicadin induced, or Simon slams someone; you’re down for a 30 second hard tempo effort.  Just like during the commercial break promos, think of a turn at the front of the paceline or running over a little riser on your neighborhood run.  These are most likely to occur during judging.  If that’s the case, they could add up, so start your hard effort after the last judge is done speaking.  You could be down for up to a one and a half minute effort.  For example, when the singer really does actually sing well and Randy says, “yo dawg that was so money and you don’t even know it,” you’re in for 30 seconds.  Then Paula might say sniffling “you make me weep…you…are what this competition is all about.”  Now you’re in for a full minute, as long as Simon agrees.

TOKEN DUFUS DEATH MARCH

No doubt some time during Idol they’ll play cuts of some numb nut with something barely identifiable as a song spewing from their word hole.  When they play, you pay.  For the duration of the dufus, you’re up and out of the saddle in a big hill climbing gear or, if you’re on a treadmill, change the angle to “death march” mode.  Be aware that a Token Dufus might be followed by a quip from one of the judges.  If that’s the case, you might be cranking up the effort during the last part of that death march.

RECAP COOL DOWN

Probably with about 10 minutes left in the show, they’ll take a look back, replay the highlights, and tease the next episode.  You’re day is done at the 1:50 mark, cool down.