The Sink Shower: As Seen On The Best Bike Blog Ever

I’ve performed the ritual of the Sink Shower™ at nasty trailhead restrooms as well as nice restaurant bathrooms.  If you’re familiar with Allyn’s café on Cincinnati’s east side, I took a Sink Shower™ there once and then sat down for some killer Jambalaya.

A sink shower is the perfect way to quickly make you publicly presentable after a hard bike ride by essentially bathing at the sink of a public restroom.  Note I said, “at” the sink, not “in” the sink.  There is a difference that I do not need to explain.  There are certain buckets you don't put your berries in.

I am inventing The Sink Shower™ Kit right now.  So, if you’re a cycling company or a toiletry company, back up the Brinks truck in my driveway and we’ll talk when I get home. 

There is an art involved (that’s where the nifty Sink Shower™ Kit comes into play) and best of all you don’t need to get completely naked in public. 

The Basic Sink Shower Kit™ comes with the following items in an easy to carry plastic case that’ll fit nicely in your cycling backpack with (to take a term from my 7th grade gym teacher) street clothes.  Currently I use one of those trendy plastic Clinique bags that you get for free when you visit the women in white lab coats at Macy’s to buy some manly face lotion and shave products...so metrosexual.

1)                 Small bar of soap

2)                 Two small wash cloths

3)                 Small can of body spray deodorant

4)                 Swimmer’s Chamois

5)                 Plastic grocery bag

The Anywhere Sink Shower Kit™ adds these items:

1)                 Baby Wipes (where there’s not running water)

2)                 Baseball Hat (if you’re really in a hurry)

3)                 Larger Sized Tower (for hiding your junk in public)

Sink Shower Nirvana at Chevron Gas Station

Before you go baring it all in a public restroom, realize there are a few types of public bathes: the single and the community.  Both come locked and unlocked, stalled and unstalled.  It’s best to find a locked single with hand soap and paper towels.  

Taking a Sink Shower™ in a single locked public restroom is easy.  It’s all you baby, nirvana.  Take your time and enjoy yourself, figuratively.  However, taking a Sink Shower™ in an unlocked community restroom takes some tact.  It’s Murphy’s Law, or something like it, that someone is bound to come in at the worst possible moment.  That’s why you should learn the Sink Shower Technique™.

The Sink Shower Technique™

Step 1)           Cover the floor.  Put your Sink Shower Kit™ on the counter or sink and pull out one of your small wash clothes or some paper towel and make an area to stand on the icky floor.  1 minute.

Step 2:            Prepare your soap, 2nd washcloth and swimmer’s chamois so you can use them quickly.  Open the bag with your street clothes, and pull out what you’re going to wear, leaving the bag ready for your smellies.  2 minutes.

Step 3)           Quickly disrobe and wash your top half.  Women can use the larger sized towel in the Anywhere Sink Shower Kit™ to cover upand still get the washcloth where it needs to go.  No running water, no problem.  Break out the baby wipes.  Notice how the floor covering sops up the water that’s bound to drip off you.  Use the Swimmer’s Chamois to quickly dry off.  Apply spray deodorant.  Dress your top half.  2 minutes.

Step 4)           Do the same for your bottom half.  Tie the big towel around your waist to hide your junk as you wash.  2 minutes.

Step 5)           Stuff your stinkies and used Sink Shower Kit™ stuff in the plastic bag.  If your hair isn’t up to snuff, don the baseball hat.  Pack up.  2 minutes.  Extra if you need to put on make up.

Spin Class Heroes

Before spin classes, cycling was a beautiful sport.  Even the most football hardened couch potato takes  pause at the sight of a multi-colored peloton passing through the field of sunflowers in a Graham Watson photo.  Personally, I love the middle of bike races, the boring part.  I hold my breath watching the flow of riders funneling through a corner.  I marvel at the grace of a perfectly executed crosswind echelon.  Watching people in spin class is akin to watching a Key West sidewalk contortionist.  Look away!  But, you can't.  

I've seen people do jumping jacks in Cincinnati's Eden Park.  There's no better way to look like a gold-chain-loving red velour-jumpsuit-wearing doofus than to do jumping jacks in public.  As they say on the SNL skit, “Oooh Weee!  What Up Wit Dat?”  Even though you may not have a penchant for white high-top Adidas and perms, some people who wear chamois and have SPD compatible shoes are putting spinning at risk of a border war with real cycling.  A line must be drawn.  

No longer can I hold it in.  Like the classic jams I hear in spin class, I'm calling you out...Spin Class Heroes:

MC Hammer

It makes me want to say, “Pssst.  She’s talking to you.”  Without pointing fingers, between describing the next interval and advising us to grab a drink, the spin instructor kindly said, “If you’re bobbing up and down on the saddle, you need to put on more resistance.”  Now I’m no medical expert, but seriously, dropping that kind of hinder hammer has to be one easy way to turn your junk into junk.  I used to wonder why spin bikes were made out of square steel bars.  Not anymore.  I understand the thick saddles too.  They’re not for your comfort; it’s to cushion the poor bike from getting a Kardashian sized butt whoopin'.  Please Hammer.  Don’t hurt ‘em.

Ray Charles

Maybe this is what happens when MC Hammer finally settles down, the pent up energy has to get out.  Like some sort of seismic reaction, she rocks back and forth as if spinning to a sped up version of “Hit The Road Jack.”  Please!  No more, no more, no more, no more.  

The Dazz Band

Let it whip girl!  You got the sassy sweaty band and you're gonna rock that pony tail!  Her head flicks around, half Night at the Roxbury, half night at a Five Finger Death Punch concert.  Left, right!  Up, down!  With precisely timed jumps and corresponding neck twitches it can spin concentric circles that'd make Indiana Jones wish he could whip like that.  

Devo

Are we not men?  No, you're a guy who tucks his shirt in his bike shorts.  You may look and feel like your young, but your outfit is screaming grandpa to all the lovely ladies in the spin room.  Let go of the past, let go off the office, let go of 1982...for goodness sake let go of your shirt.  Here's two reason's to not tuck in your shirt: it hides your gut and keeps you from double offending as a Naked Cowboy.

The Fiddler
The Devil went down to Georgia, but she got side tracked adjusting the straps on the toe clips every 2 minutes.  Then she went to fill up her water bottle, right after she stopped to adjust her pony tail band.  Right when you think she's going to settle in for the next 3 minute interval, with remarkable dexterity, because she doesn't want to have to re-do her toe straps for the fifth time, she reaches down for her phone on top of her backpack and twiddles a text.  Nothing can hold her concentration.  She's not even in spin class.  Her Facebook status already reads, "1 hour spin done, off to Nordstrom!

The Cowboy

The Cowboy spent all his money on the gym membership, Sidi spinning shoes and the Beemer in the parking lot.  Unfortunately, there wasn't a penny left over to complete the high roller image with a new pair of shorts.  Also unfortunately for you, he took the spin bike in front of you offering an hour long unobstructed view of one of nature's magic wonders, the grand canyon clouded in a thin layer of thread bare spandex.  It may play on the streets on NYC, but I'm not throwing any tips at his feet.

New Years Spin Bike Ball Drop

There was no confetti, no horns, no cheers and no kisses for the New Years ball drop I witnessed. “F**k,” however, was shouted out quite loudly. Witnessing it, all I could think was, “oh dude, oh, ouch.” He hit the floor. Next thing you know. Shortly grabbed his nutsack and crumpled into the fetal position. New Years brings the newbies to the gym. While I can’t entirely fault the newb for the ball drop, being a newb certainly contributed to the forceful redistribution of the family jewels Sunday at spin class.

It was 8 degrees outside yesterday. Inside the spin room, the thermostat registered a sweaty 90 degrees. Due to the cold and the resolutions, the class was full with a waiting list a few people deep. As the class got underway spinning our heart rates up toward 75%, 2-3 stragglers trickled in. Like gophers popping their heads out of their holes, they strained their necks to locate the 2-3 open spin bikes. Only one bike had the toe straps allowing the rider to spin in running shoes. So, after some do-see-do quiet discussion between the stragglers, each found a bike to match their footwear and mounted up.

Normally before you get on a spin bike, you adjust the seat and handlebars to fit your body and riding style. Normally. Well that’s what you’d do if you’ve been to at least one spin class before. If you haven’t, like jumping on any normal bike, you’d just get on, especially a beefy bike made out of 2x2 inch steel bars and a stainless 40 pound weight for a wheel. Some may even see it like a car and assume that the seat is adjustable in some fashion, but maybe not assume that the steering wheel or, in this case, handlebars are also adjustable. That’s usually a luxury option.

Being late to class, the newb walked up to the bike, caddy corner from me, put his foot on the pedal, grabbed the bars and swung a leg over. The handlebars gave way. They weren't attached, just barely sitting in the top of the tube by about a half inch, not tightened on in any way. The guy, now in slow motion, pretty much spread eagle, came crashing down, with his full weight, nuts on tension adjuster knob and his lower abdomen squarely lanced by the 2x2 steel square hole where the handlebars are attached. “Oh!” I exclaimed as if it were my own nuts. It was hard to look at. With his hands still in a firm grip on the bars, he curled on the floor. ““F**K!” He shouted pushing himself away. The room gasped, shocked. My mouth hung open. Quickly, another gentleman, obviously someone he came to class with, helped him to his feet and out of the room. The instructor followed. He, or his companion, never returned to class. I’m not sure if he was okay or not. I certainly hope he’s only bruised, not broken, and one day comes back to the gym to shrug it off.

UPDATE: I have heard that Big Johnson and the Cashews are doing fine.

Tis The Season For Spreading Cheer, Junk Dusting, and Taint Drying

The parking lot at the gym and the spin class sign up sheets are starting to fill up. Here’s some helpful tips to get the most out of your membership.

Do use the convenient bench in the locker room to rest after your extremely vigorous steamy hot shower workout. A bench! How awesome! Who doesn’t wish the bathroom at home had a place to sit, rest and pull on your socks. It’s pure bliss. Don’t, however, put a towel down. It could be dangerous! Research shows slips and falls cause most injuries. Be safe. Your bare skin allows more grip on the over shellacked bench surface than a thick soft fuzzy gym towel. So, bare-bottom that bench. That way you won’t slide off when putting your man-powder all over your junk. And, if you have extra long old-man berries, just wrap them around the edge of the bench, like a third hand for that Robo-Grip effect.

Do wear bib shorts to spin class, they look pro. To look even more pro, like you’re preparing for the Tour time trial in front of the team bus next to Lance, don’t put the straps over your shoulders. Let them dangle. Bigger folks will appreciate giving that Thanksgiving spare tire room to breath in that hot spin room. If you are particularly hairy, match those oversized bibs with an equally undersized jersey. That way when you bend over to reach the handlebars, you can show off your personal old-growth Arenberg Forest and scenic valley to the lovely ladies behind you.

Do get everything you can out of your workout. Don’t hold anything back. Spin classes with jump intervals are perfect for working out that extra gas you have pent up inside from the double bacon cheeseburger you had for lunch. With the way spin bikes are lined up at the gym, there is no possible way that the person directly behind you will even know you farted. Who me?

Do shower after your workout, but don’t forget to dry EVERYTHING off. There’s nothing worse than walking out to your car in below freezing weather with water left to crystallize on your taint. That’s exactly the reason they put taint dryers in the gym locker room. Use the wall mounted one with the chrome rotating blower to get the general wetness off your lower trunk. Then use the hand held taint wetness eliminator to get those hard to reach places like between your cheeks and under your belly.

Do drink every chance you get. Don’t get dehydrated. Immediately after your 30 minute treadmill run, zip over to the drinking fountain and take a few gulps. You’ve earned it! Don’t worry about the sweat dripping off your forehead, off your arms, down your hands and onto the public bubbler. You seriously could die or go into shock if you take needless time to wipe the perspiration off your body before drinking. (Bubbler is Wisconsin speak for drinking fountain.)

Do stay in the zone. Don’t lose your focus, especially if you need to use the restroom mid-workout. Take care of business as quickly as possible and get back to yoga class or your free-weight session. Don’t take the chance of forgetting which pose or set number you were on. Everyone knows those drips pooling in front of the urinal are from condensation of locker room steam, not because you forgot to shake and dance. No one ever goes barefoot in a locker room anyway. Also know your heart rate could drop while washing your hands. So, get back out there asap! Grab a hold of that yoga block and five pound hand weight and focus-focus-focus.

Do ignore everything I said. Don’t spread your grossness.

American Idle Workout

You got a suspected doper, a loudmouth who calls out all your faults, a skinny guy who tries to hold the group together and a guy who’s uses worn out phrases in every vocalization….pothole dawg.  It’s a typical breakaway group.  Tuesday night I’m riding with Paula, Randy, Simon and Ryan.  It’s the American Idol 2009 premiere and your chance to be more active than the billion or so real American idles who’ll watch the show growing a root in the sofa under a trough full of raspberry chocolate chip delight.  Below is a spinning trainer workout I’ve painstakingly created in 14.2 seconds that you can do on a bicycle trainer, a treadmill, elliptical or any other fitness apparatus you can stick in front of the TV.  It’s a two hour show, so mix it up if the thought of two hours on a bike trainer makes you urk up a puke.  Do an hour and fifteen minutes on the bike and a 45 minute run.  Print it off, take it to the gym, give it to your spinning instructor or bring it to your home torture chamber Tuesday night.  I tried to make it winter/spring friendly, meaning its more strength and endurance based.

SET-UP WARM UP

No doubt the first 5-10 minutes of the American Idol Season 8 Premiere before the first commercial break will relive past Idol shows, total train wreck performances and setting up where they are filming now blah-blah-blah.  Start spinning or walking and ramp yourself into a nice endurance type effort.  Take this pace into the first commercial break.

COMMERCIAL BREAK/PROMO PUSH

During commercials drop the tempo down to recovery mode, but get ready.  When the Fox promos come on (commercials that tease upcoming FOX shows and the local nightly newscast) up the tempo to 80 percent.  Chances are you’ll get nice little 3 minute recovery followed by a 20-60 second hard effort tempo intervals in every break, kind of like coming to the front of the paceline.  Be aware and pay attention, sometimes they’ll run commercials, a promo, another commercial and more promos. 

IDOL ENDURANCE

When the show comes back on, endure the show in endurance mode, a 75% effort, with the below exceptions.   

DAWG-STUPID-SLAM INTERVALS

During the show, whenever Randy says “dawg,” Paula says something stupid that sounds Vicadin induced, or Simon slams someone; you’re down for a 30 second hard tempo effort.  Just like during the commercial break promos, think of a turn at the front of the paceline or running over a little riser on your neighborhood run.  These are most likely to occur during judging.  If that’s the case, they could add up, so start your hard effort after the last judge is done speaking.  You could be down for up to a one and a half minute effort.  For example, when the singer really does actually sing well and Randy says, “yo dawg that was so money and you don’t even know it,” you’re in for 30 seconds.  Then Paula might say sniffling “you make me weep…you…are what this competition is all about.”  Now you’re in for a full minute, as long as Simon agrees.

TOKEN DUFUS DEATH MARCH

No doubt some time during Idol they’ll play cuts of some numb nut with something barely identifiable as a song spewing from their word hole.  When they play, you pay.  For the duration of the dufus, you’re up and out of the saddle in a big hill climbing gear or, if you’re on a treadmill, change the angle to “death march” mode.  Be aware that a Token Dufus might be followed by a quip from one of the judges.  If that’s the case, you might be cranking up the effort during the last part of that death march.

RECAP COOL DOWN

Probably with about 10 minutes left in the show, they’ll take a look back, replay the highlights, and tease the next episode.  You’re day is done at the 1:50 mark, cool down.