#DeathMarch Planning Questions

Last Year Was A Blast-Story Here

For those that think they have a good route planned out for the Sub 9 Death March and are seemingly prepared, here are a few questions you should absolutely have an answer to before you clip in.

At the holeshot, are you turning left or right?

What about your teammate?

Are you sure that road marked on your map is an actual physical honest to goodness road?

Is that bridge physically crossable or a relic of an aged NASA Satellite photo?

What’s the elevation change between Camp and Hanner Cemetary?

How many valleys will you cross on your way to Lutes?

Are toe spikes a good idea or too much weight?

How are you going to wear toe spikes and shoe covers at the same time silly?

Have you every tried to read a map while riding a gravel road at 25 mph?


Shirley, you can't be serious?


Are you comfortable riding your bike under water?


Is there a compartment for a snorkel in your Hydrapak?

True or False:  Some of the gravel roads would be more stable under your wheels if they were paved 6 inches deep with marbles set in butter.

And, which roads are those?

Are you going up or down them?

If last year’s winning team from DRT spent 4 ½ Hours on their bikes and this year the promoters added a cemetery which is pretty dang far to the east which will no doubt extend saddle time, where and when do you plan on refilling your water?

Should you drink water from a cemetery well?

What time does the sun set?

Is your cell phone’s camera memory close to being full?

Do you know what happens to a paper map in your jersey pocket 5 hours into a ride?

Do you know what happens to the same map after riding through countless creeks?

Are the Garmin and Google maps of Hoosier National Forest as up to date as their map of 

New York City, or are they as old as the farm roads that once criss-crossed the area?

Have you seen the Sprint cell phone coverage map of the area?

So, you're certain your phone's mapping app will be functional?


By the way, have you ever climbed a cell phone tower?

You may not be afraid of heights, but are you may afraid of climbing a Fire Tower which feels like it has the same pieces and stability of a 6 year old’s erector set project?

True or False: Trailheads in Hoosier National Forest are marked with a nice big well painted signs and arrows like the tourist trail to Mt. Rushmore?

If you let the weeds in your driveway grow for 60 years, could you still call it a driveway?

Have you planned your route to Callahan cemetery on the map?

So, when you looked at the Google map you saw Callahan’s tombstones and an adjacent trail together?

You really don’t know where Callahan is, do you?

Multiple Choice: In the pouring rain, what is faster in and out of Callahan?  A horse trail  B) A fresh gravel road  C) A Hard Packed Gravel Road  D) Pavement E) We should really have a Plan B.

If It Weighs Less Than Poo, It’s Not 4 U

Cyclists are the only American’s that can convert grams to pounds without using Google, masters of the metric.  So don’t tell me you’re grossed out and never considered how much “it” weighs.  If you drop your shorts and barefoot the scale the 2^nd thing in the morning, you are sooo guilty, but oh so smart.  If you’re going to drop 25 hundo on the new Sram Red to save 150 grams off the previous version, wouldn’t it be worth it to make sure you read the graffiti in the port-a-poddy before you roll up to the start line?  There’s cheaper and surprisingly pleasant ways to shed grams.

I’m considering a new Hydrapak hydration system.  My thought is that a lighter pack over the course of the 100k of the Mohican 100 MTB race in May will make for a faster Joe.  The Hydrapak Alivia tips the scale at an impressively sexy and svelt 7 ounces, 198.446 grams…definitely according to Rain Man.  The website says it nearly disappears on your back.  It should.  7 ounces is less than the weight of a spare 29er inner tube, listed at Competitive Cyclist at 219g.  However, if my hypothesis is correct, I can save pretty close to 7 ounces every day of my life by reading a couple pages of Road Magazine on the cold white chair next to the bathtub. 

Now I’m not going to fish it out and plop it on the scale, but I’m pretty certain the typical water breaker has to weigh 7 ounces, a bit shy of a half pound.  If not, I’m sure eliminating some incidental weight would do the trick, such as some of the electrical tape under my bar tape.  Yep, there’s more tape under that bar tape and you probably don’t need to have it double or triple wrapped in 14 places.  Pause now, if you need extra time to digest the term "water breaker."  

Throw Away The Broccoli and Keep The Band

Incidental weight is the weight of the things you never even consider when pulling the trigger at the local bike shop for a lighter weight bike-a-ma-jig.  It’s the dead bugs smashed and sunbaked on the front of your suspension fork and the mud caked under the crown.  It’s the big fat pink broccoli rubber band on your spare tube, the best rubber bands known to man.  It's three glopping fingers full of chamois cream when 1 finger full would do the trick on your taint.  It’s using a seatbag instead of your middle jersey pocket or the 7 inches of extra seatpost below the clamp.  It’s wearing deodorant for a bike race, because it's not about how fast you ride but how effortless it appears.  

For weight weenies sake, “Take a poo!”  It’s what we say to each other flipping through the pages of the latest Colorado Cyclist with the credit card by our side.  It keeps things in perspective.  It keeps us from dropping $300 dollars on a carbon railed saddle.  If it saves less than a poo it’s not for you.

Want Some Fancy Salted Mixed Nuts?  Boing!

Is that tube going to spring out of your pocket like a toy snake in a can if you don’t lasso it with that giant rubber band?  What difference does the 150g savings of new Sram Red make if you roll up to the start line with a typical 160g seat bag full of stuff you could fit in your jersey pocket?  Did you knock the caked mud from the bottom of your shoes?  Are you really going to be able to drink two full water bottles in a one hour crit?

Anyone of us can probably drop at least a half pound off their race-day set up without spending a dime.  Sure it’s not quite as sexy as a Sram Red solution, but now you know why cyclists really shave their legs.

Like Plinko On Wheels #OVCX #KingsCX

Choose Handups Wisely (by Chris Jones)

You ever wonder what it’s like when a gust of wind blows up while teetering on tight rope between skyscrapers, to drive 100mph down a black iced winter Wisconsin freeway, to cut your regulator hose 35 feet under while scuba diving?  The acrobat grips the wire between his toes gently holding the balancing pole.  The rally car driver nearly spins off the road still gripping the steering wheel and finessing the parking brake.  The diver always knows which way is up.  At the bottom of a mud covered off camber hill at the Kings CX OVCX finale I slipped to a stop with both feet engaged to the pedals and my hands on the bars.  Until my shifter and pedal anchored me to a stop, “I got this,” I thought. 

Me on Heckle Hill (Photo: Karen Wells Hamilton)

What makes cyclocross so different from road, track, bmx or mountain biking is that in a muddy race, you’re not certain of the exit.  It’s like Plinko, the game on TV’s The Price Is Right where you drop a disc down a peg board and it randomly pops out at the bottom making you a winner or a loser.  In the one hour race yesterday, I can’t count the times I went into a muddy section, only to exit 3 feet to the left or 4 feet to the right.  Sometimes the same trusted rut would shrug me a different direction each time through.  Still I blindly drive my bike into the muck at full-tilt fully expecting to be head up and rubber down on the doormat sized piece of solid ground on the other side.  Suddenly my opening analogy doesn’t seem so ridiculous.

HeckleOnline.com Monster

Turning right, the front wheel slid away as fast as Herman Cain’s hopes for the presidency, down the hill to the left.  Naturally through my experience in Wisconsin winter driving, I steered left into the slide.  It hooked up.  For .32 seconds I had it, then lost it as fast.  It was like a hydroplaning track stand.  I got this, until PAFFF!  I pancaked into the hill.  I still wasn’t done moving.  Like falling off that skyscraper, with my hand clawing the ledge, feverishly swimming to the surface, seeing the road that was in front of me in the rear-view, I distinctly remember riders going by above me, at least four if not five.  

Peter Hills (Photo: Karen Wells Hamilton)

I could’ve whipped out my phone and had a pizza delivered to the pit in the time it took my butt to grind to a halt.  I could’ve made an OVCX series winner’s mug out of the mud.  I could’ve married and divorced Kim Kardashian in the time it took to fall, slide and stop.  From the pit, I’m sure it looked like another one of a hundred slips du jour.  It was.  Everyone who fell, thought, “I got this!”  Until…they didn’t.


Early Kings CX Day 2 Video featuring Heckle Hill

Kings CX Weekend - Day 2 Highlights from Corey Green on Vimeo.

#Cyclocross: Surviving The Holiday Abyss

The faded workout has treated me well

My Christmas list sadly begins with socks.  The other thing I’m working on in early December is how to bridge the fitness abyss of after-work darkness, St. Nick’s candy, Dorothy's ham gravy, and a marathon of New Years Eve parties between now and Cyclocross Nationals.  Then it struck me like a V8 vegetable juice palm slap upside the forehead, my modified Chris Carmichael workout.  It’s an hour long, burns nearly 800 calories and is a good general power workout.  I scribbled it down on post it note which remarkably, 3 years later, is still adhering to the side of the 1987 13-inch TV in front of my trainer set-up. 

I’m no coach, which is precisely why I have no problem copying Chris Carmichael’s workout, modifying it and then dispensing the result as my own for free.  While others charge for their training secrets or leave you wondering what kind of incredible workout they did to post quotes like this to Facebook: “contact Crossresults.com and put that trainer on my victims list,” I have no problem telling you what has got me this season’s incredible mid-pack results and kept me off the podium.  All kidding aside, I started the season finishing in the mid 30’s and now I’m knocking on the door of a top 20.  While no one has noticed this incredible performance but me, something must be working.  Either that, or the 15 Ohio Valley Elite Cyclocrossers I think I’ve become faster than have been abducted by aliens. 

Come Nationals and Worlds time, one thing is for certain, some people will be slower than they are this weekend.  Some will be faster.  I prefer the latter.  If the thought of racing cyclocross past Sunday doesn’t make you want to cry for mama between bouts of the pukes, I think the best you can do at this point is sharpen your fitness and skills over the next 3 weeks.  Come New Year’s day, aside from rest, there’s no interval workout that’ll make you any faster.  So really, you’ve got about 3 weeks to polish that middle of the pile turd.  Chop chop.

As far as skills, I'll try to spend at least one day/week on the cross bike practicing dismounts, starts, and hill carries.  It probably wouldn't hurt to do some running in there too.  I've lived in Wisconsin in January.  I've had to dig my car out of 17 inch snowfalls.  There's no guarantees you'll be riding your bike at Nationals.  Aside from that and keeping your core solid, you still can get quicker and snappier.  While the original workout is listed below, over the years I’ve adapted the structure to specific cyclocross workouts.  Do the warm up, pick the 15 or 30 sec interval workout and be off the trainer at 60 minutes even.  I like to start at 6:30pm with the evening news and finish up with Extra-Extra!  Print it out and tape it to your TV.

WARM UP:

6 Min Easy Warm Up

1 Min Fast Pedal 110-120 rpm

1 Min Recover

1 Min Fast Pedal 110-120 rpm

1 Min Recover

OPTION 1: CX ATTACK 15 on 15 off Interval Insert

5 minute set of 15 on 15 off.

In a hard gear, 53x14ish, simulate starting, punching it out of corners, driving up a short steep hill. 15 sec attacking as hard as you can, 15 sec no pedaling (coasting.)

5 min rest.

Repeat set 5 times.

5 minute easy pedal cool down.

OPTION 2: CX STICK IT 30 on 30 off Interval Insert

5 minute set of 30 on 30 off.

Simulate the effort you’d put in hammering straightaways between course features.  Don’t punch it at the beginning, ramp up to a 100% effort you can sustain for 30 seconds.  Recover in between efforts with a  high cadence spin. 

5 min rest.

Repeat set 5 times.

5 Minute easy pedal cool down.

OPTION 3: ROAD/HILL POWER (The Original Carmichael Workout...more or less)

Five 2 minute efforts with 2 minute fast spin recovery in between.

The two minute effort should be steady and sustained, but as hard as you can handle without loosing power for 2 minutes.  Think hammering a breakaway.

Recover with easy spin for 6 minutes between sets.

Repeat 5x2 efforts a 2nd time.

8 Minute Easy Spin Cool Down.

Degrees of Separation: #OVCX to #USGPcx to Masters Worlds 2011

You raced or watched the USGP Cyclocross Derby Cup in Louisville this weekend.  With course tape snapping in the wind, you rang the cowbell at the fly-over, heckled Georgia Gould, followed Powers lines warming up, shielded your junior kid’s eyes from the guy cheering with a nipple-taped blow up doll and, even though you can’t draw a correlation, the three gladiators seemed to fit in with the atmosphere.  You had a blast.  Now, it’s Monday, November 14^th.  In two months, Cyclocross Masters Worlds unfolds on the same course.  We’ll see real rainbow stripes pulled over team jerseys and tears of joy in the winner’s eyes.  After doing my best 20/20 investigative reporting, crunching results, and talking with masters peers this weekend, I wont be surprised if those rainbow tears could be rolling down the cheek of someone we know. 

Cyclocross Masters Nationals 2010 45-49

1	Don	Myrah		0:48:36
2	Mark	Noble	Metalmtn Cycling	50:46:00
3	Jonny	Bold	Corner Cycle	51:01:00
4	James	Coates	California Giant Cycling/Califo	51:17:00
5	Richard	Mcclung	Lake Washington Velo/Hagens Ber	51:26:00
6	Mike	Hogan	Justin'S / Titus Mountain Bike	51:36:00
7	Arthur	O'connor	Team Big Ring-Realcyclist.Com	51:56:00
8	Tim	Butler		52:02:00
9	Eric	Martin	Webcyclery Racing/Bendbroadband	52:10:00
10	Jonathan	Card		52:13:00

It won’t be me.  The way I figure it, I’m still 4 degrees of separation from the next 45-49 year old Masters World Champion.  I finished in 23^rd place in Day 1 of the USGP 45+ Elite Masters, an eternity of 2 minutes and 47 seconds behind the beaded bling wearing 45+ winner Jonathan Card.  However, Card finished 1:12 behind a certain 3^rd place Jonny Bold at Nationals last year.  45-49 year old Nationals in 2010 were won by the legendary Olympian/World MTB Champ and four time Elite Cyclocross National Champion Don Myrah.  While Myrah didn’t make the trip to Mol, Belgium for Worlds last year, Bold did.  He won bronze, nine seconds behind 2010 (1961-65) World Champion Marc Druvts.  According to Bold’s blog, the race was very close.  Sadly, Marc Druvts passed away this August.  

Cyclocross Masters Worlds 2010 Mol, Belgium 1961-65 (45-49) 

1 Marc Druyts (Belgium) :37:28

2 Dirk Mertens (Belgium)  :00:07

3 Jonny Bold (USA)         :00:09

Granted you can’t compare last year’s Jonny Bold to this year’s Jonathan Card, Fred Rose or Mike McShane.  Variables such as geography, course layout, weather, and jet lag come into play as well as the typical boring master’s issues of family, careers and who's going to snow blow the driveway when I'm gone.  44 year olds turn 45.  49 year olds blow out 50 candles.  While it’s not a divining rod of Masters Cyclcocross, it does show the general caliber of talent present locally in Ohio Valley Cyclocross OVCX and the USGP.  Take a look at the current USA cycling rankings.  You may recognize a few names.

USA Cycling Masters 45-49 Open Cyclocross Rankings as of 11/14/11

1	214.80	Frederick Rose	Bloomington, IN	30553	45
2	216.22	Jonny Bold	Marstons Mills, MA	117383	47
3	219.53	Jonathan Card	Sylvania, OH	6078	48
4	221.85	Ralf Warmuth	Edison, NJ	231788	48
5	225.46	Michael McShane	Louisville, KY	23836	47

Card Tails Rose

In the USGP 45+ Elite Masters race on Saturday, OVCX regular, Fred Rose finished 3^rd, only 7 seconds off Card’s mark.  Mike McShane only 32 seconds off Rose.  Personally, I’m thinking Card may be even faster than last year.  In lieu of having Worlds in their backyard, I think many OVCX racers have raised their game.  After talking with a few Masters racers at USGP this weekend, I heard Card deliberately started training later and put less emphasis on early September races in order to focus on Nationals and Worlds. 

For me, looking at the theoretical gaps between myself and guys like Bold, Myrah and the late Druvts, I’m just glad it doesn’t get too much faster than this.  Staying on the lead lap at Worlds would be a dream.  While it may be a few rows in back of Bold, Card, Rose, Myrah and a few Europeans getting away to tropical Louisville in January, there’s a place on the Worlds starting grid for me.  

USGP CX Derby Cup 45-54 11/12/11
1 43 CARD Jonathan TEAM CARD 6078 36:56:00
2 2 BUTLER Tim WestEndBikes/Specialized 211505 37:01:00
3 11 ROSE Frederick BikeReg.com 30553 37:03:00
4 1 MCSHANE Michael Bob's Red Mill- p/b Focus Bikes 23836 37:35:00
5 65 MORSE Samuel Corner Cycle 25187 37:41:00
6 7 SIMON Wayne Enzo's/ Psimet 32742 37:41:00
7 6 LUCAS Keith Schellers Racing Team 209624 38:00:00
8 49 AUGUST Andy Park Ave Bike Shop 2073 38:03:00
9 5 KRAUSE Troy Monkey Wrench/Inglis 210684 38:11:00
10 57 CASPER Daniel GrandStay Hotels 214654 38:23:00
11 68 NISSEN Dave QCW 165977 38:25:00
12 4 STEPNIOWSKI Waldek lUNA 93056 38:43:00
13 14 FAGERBERG Erik Papa John's Racing Team 11159 38:53:00
14 32 TUCKER Troy Inside Ride 91206 38:59:00
15 56 TOTH Peter ONE DAY 39:04:00
16 12 MANDROLA John Papa Johns Racing Team 201258 39:13:00
17 61 POHLMANN Dirk Texas Roadhouse p/b Motorex 51532 39:22:00
18 63 PAGELL Mark Team WORC INTL 39:25:00
19 53 MCNAMEE Steve Le Scomparse Racing Team 189612 39:26:00
20 23 HUNTER Todd Garneau Customs p/b Powerbar/ W 178827 39:31:00
21 10 WELLSMAN Peter Pro City Racing INTL 39:33:00
22 15 MAY, SR John Papa John's Racing Team 195083 39:35:00
23 16 BELLANTE Joe BioWheels/Reece-Campbell Racing 199092 39:43:00

#Cincy3CX Hangover

Trombone Maddie Cheers Katie, Kaitlin & Georgia

I’d love to dazzle you with insightful commentary about this weekend’s Cincy3 Cyclocross Festival, but like last year, after writing the race stories for the media, I’m all typed-out.  While thankful to see my name in the Velonews Byline with accurate and colorful articles, the weekend was so ADD inducing, in retrospect, I can barely keep my thought in one direction.  So here’s some odds n ends:

UCI Officials are intimidating, like prison guards.  I felt like a sheepish grade school student asking the teacher a dumb question when I approached an official to confirm UCI C1 points went 15 deep.

The Farrell Family Crest

I forgot that I registered for Friday’s race at Devou.  That’s the pit falls of registering for events three months in advance.  I discovered the receipt for the race on Saturday while going through material to write up the race reports.

I thought Team Hungry was the creative team with their own team flag until I saw the Rogue Racing team made personal signs to cheer each of their individual teammates. (photo left)

Maddie carried a sign and a trombone, she’s like 10.  (photo above)

In my radio career, I’ve interviewed Garth Brooks, talked to Army Generals, and met big politicians.  I’ve never been star struck until I get in front of a pro cyclist.  Seriously, I could strike up a conversation with any total stranger at any supermarket in Anytown USA, but put me in front of Jeremy Powers, probably one of the most approachable pros on the circuit, and the nerd in me rises to the top.

Me and Jpow Take 2

I just remembered, Tony Frankin, the drummer Sunday at Harbin Park was wearing a Motorhead pullover while a CXer rapped over the beat.  He wasn't half bad.  The crowd erupted in cheers.

Arguing with officials at the start about your call up is like trying to talk yourself out of a ticket.  Might as well flash your man boobs.  Besides, when you kick and scream at the start line, you’re essentially telling your competition that you’re starting in the back and inviting them to draw first blood.

My Best CX Season p/b Pearl Izumi

Middletown, the home of classically restored Cutlass Supremes with DUI plates.

The fallen leaves at Sunset Park in Middletown were bigger than Paul Bunyan pancakes, man hole covers, floormats and hubcaps.

I still don’t know why I bother bringing an impeccably clean bike to cyclocross races, only to completely destroy it on one warm-up lap.

Katie Compton with Meredith Miller Pre-Race Day 1

Half finger gloves are perfect for tweeting during a cross race.

I love driving my Toyota 4-Runner over curbs while parking at races.

I also love to see my wife at the end of a race.  Thanks honey.

Some of your observations from The Best Bike Blog Ever's Facebook Page:

• 
  

  Jason (An overheard quote from Shawn Adams after 3 laps of racing at Devou on Friday, "When Trebon stomps on the pedals it just crushes your soul" 
  
• 
  

  Cooper (Announcer John at Harbin) "There is a hill at the back where you had better make sure your health insurance is paid up on before you hit it."
• 
  

  Lindsay William trying to look "as American as possible", which somehow included pulling his shorts up like Steve Urkel and shouting "U-S-A, U-S-A!" when Caroline Mani came by with about a lap and a half to go. This somehow precipitated an attack by Meredith Miller, which resulted in her taking second place.
• (An overheard quote) "I think he had a bio-mechanical" (and of course) "The $100 pissing fine and the DQ shocker of the year."

#OVCX Gun Club: This Is What CX Is About

I’m curled up in a fetal position clutching my Simon Burney book “Cyclocross – Training and Technique.”  I used to think cross was a balancing act between our checkbook and a functioning bike, IPA and body weight, hill repeats and a healthy marriage, core workouts and clean dishes, recovery rides and a well kept lawn.  I’m realizing cyclocross is more of a 60-40 or 75-25 than a perfect 50-50 balance approved with a gas-pump type sticker autographed by Dusty Rhodes, our Hamilton County Auditor. 

While I have yet to be able to sit through more than one minute and twenty seconds of one, this is precisely the reason there’s countless videos with superheroes satirically presenting the life of an “Elite Cyclocross Racer.”  I’m trying to choke back the paranoia, trying not to become a robotic voiced Rain Man cartoon of Cyclocross, definitely, but it’s becoming seriously obvious cross is testing my sanity as well as my skills and fitness.  I’m coo-coo for cyclocross!  I’m coo-coo for cyclocross!

My Best CX Season p/b Pearl Izumi  

The warning signs were there.  I dismissed them all.  It started in July, pre-season.  Faced with needing two new primary tires glued, a chain, a cassette, and a saddle in August, I spared our bank account the added deductions by choosing not to reglue the tires on my 2^nd wheelset even though the glue was a smidgen crusty and few months past a year old, found an end of season sale on a Fizik saddle in Park City, Utah that came with sub-par but free bar tape and struck a blog deal with Pearl Izumi (thank you) for new shoes, a base layer and some other goodies.  I saved $4-500.  Ba bam!

I slightly rolled one of those old glue job tires last weekend at OVCX John Bryan.  I chanced it and I lost.  When I brought the wheel into BioWheels, Mitch, the shop owner, said I should just bring in the other wheel as well.  It was probably due.  I forgot to bring it in.  I had dishes to do, laundry to fold.  At the race yesterday, OVCX Gunclub, a teammate joked, “If you don’t put wheels in the pit, you’ll never need them.”  After the race, after running the last 500 meters of the course, after having passed me with 3 other guys, after rolling the other old glue job tire, of course he prodded, “Told you so.”  Butt wipe.

Having the Best Race of the Season-my balls not so much

I was having the best race of my season.  John Gatch, the race promoter, shouted from the pit, “21^st Joe!  Close that gap.”  I was wheel bumping with the last place payout spot.  While eventually, I got passed by three admittedly faster racers (Jason Karew, James Billiter and Nate Mirus), 25^th was still a good place and I had it locked.  With a gap to 3-4 chasers at the top of the “run-up,” I remember telling myself, “steady and clean.”  With 500 meters to go, literally 3 turns and two straightaways from the finish, on a quick downhill-up hill U-turn, FA-BOMP-FUMP. 

My tire rolled and lodged in my frame.  I didn’t even look to confirm.  I knew by the noise.  The FA-BOMP-FUMP never lies.  Knowing I was past the pit, I picked up my bike and ran, or better put, sort of peg-leg jogged as fast as I could.  My abs ached and my quads begged.  Seriously blurry-eyed, I committed to the run and finishing as best I could.  The three behind approached.  “What’s wrong Joe,” my teammate shouted.  I didn’t answer.  I didn’t need to.  “Oh no,” I heard Mike Schulze say as he passed.  He saw.  I ran…and ran and ran.  I reminded myself, back straight, chin up.  “If you can’t ride you run, “the race announcer chirped as I approached 50 meters to the finish, “This is Joe from The Best Bike Blog Ever!  This is what cyclocross is all about people.”  Through a gauntlet of “good jobs”, the finish line crowd applauded and I smiled.