Bicyclist or Cyclist: Who Shot Motorist?

“Police: Bicyclist fires shot in fit of road rage.” The headline from WISH-TV in Whitestown, Indiana sort of stuck out on my facebook news feed, not because it was alarming, but because I was offended at the use of bicyclist and cyclist and the complete omission of the term “a bike rider.”  While on any given day, I can be any one of the three, I am pretty certain it was not a bicyclist or cyclist that put the cap in the motorist, but likely someone riding a bike.  Oh there’s a difference.

Cyclists

The first clues are the .45 caliber bullets found at the scene.  A quick search of the internet reveals a .45 caliber hand cannon weighs between 27 and 37 ounces.  That’s a two pound gun, without bullets.  Clearly a cyclist would not carry a .45 caliber gun or anything weighing more than their bike frame.  A .45 caliber bullet alone weighs roughly 200 grams, as much as a Ritchey WCS stem.  There’s no way.  Cyclists don’t carry anything outside that which is absolutely necessary.  Instead of a wallet, cyclists opt for a zip lock bag with a cell phone, ID and the worst smelling sweat drenched $5 bill you’ll ever turn your nose up at.  If a weapon were necessary on a ride, say to drop the dead weight from a breakaway, it’d likely be a shiv carved from carbon fiber. 

Bicyclists

Clue #2 is the fanny pack, leading me to the bicyclist.  Bicyclists are known for over packing.  Judging from the three tail lights and seat bag big enough for a hoagie sandwich and a floor pump, a fanny pack with a .45 isn’t too much of a stretch.  However, the bicyclist is no honey badger.  The bright orange vest, helmet mirror and dual headlights blinking in the middle of the day are enough to tell any motorists to give them a wide berth.  Add a black tie and the good book, and I’m certain the bicyclist is not your man. 

A Bike Rider

The .45 caliber gun in the fanny pack clearly points to A Bike Rider.  Don’t be fooled by the photo of Beyonce.  While she falls into the category of bike rider, this category covers everyone from the person noodling down the bike path and cruising to yoga to those who lost their driving license to a DUI and the drug dealer.  The only thing that makes a bike rider a bike rider is the bike.  A bike rider is going about their normal everyday business on a bicycle.  Now if that business happens to involve a loaded three pound concealed .45 caliber pistol, I think you know who you’re looking for.

Bet On This: The 1st Cat 5 Race

The Cat 5 and 4/5 races are selling out in the Ohio Spring Road Series Races (OSRS).  According to snobish uppity bookmakers at the new Cincinnati casino, here are the odds of seeing the following in upcoming races:

Seat Bag 5/125

Seat Bag That Sounds like It’s Full of Spare Bolts and Broken Glass 2/125

Unshaven Legs that look like the Lower Branches and Peeling Bark on a Pine Tree 10/125

Unshaven Pine Tree Legs with Chain Ring Tattoo 5/125

Threadbare Shorts 4/125

Threadbare Shorts with a Cork-Screw Butt Hair 4/125

Threadbare Shorts with a Cork-Screw Butt Hair and Half Moon of Salty Butt Crust 2/125

Hydration Pack 1/125

150oz Hydration Pack 1/125

Sweet Castelli Bib Shorts 5/125

Sweet Castelli Bib Shorts with Shoulder Straps Worn Over Old T-Shirt 1/125

Tail Light 4/125

Tail Light Blinking in a Seizure Inducing Pattern 1/125

Discovery Team Jersey 1/125

Time Trial Bike 1/125

Discovery Team Jersey on a Time Trial Bike 1/125

I Phone mounted on handlebars 3/125

I Phone mounted on handlebars with riser stem 2/125

I Phone mounted on handlebars with riser stem and 1 inch of spacers 1/125

I Phone mounted on handle bars with riser stem, 1 inch of spacers, on an otherwise rad custom Serotta 1/125

#Fall: It's Not All About Cyclocross

It's About Looking Up!

It's About Grabbing A Little More Brake.

It's About Sharing The Experience With Someone Close.

It's About The Snack Break.

It's About Stepping off the Trail for a better peek at Versailles SP Fall Colors.

VIDEO: OVCX #3 Duurty Girlz

The Redemption of Riding Solo

Top Flats of Shadow Run

I like to think they were Cicadas.  No dis against crickets, but the head-filling sound of Cicadas fit the zen feel of a solo ride better.  I had no wheel to chase, nor any spinning hubs behind me.  After the battery died on my Ipod an hour into my solo ride at Versailles State Park in Indiana, I was bummed at the loss of my mountain biking soundtrack.  Then I realized, the woods have a soundtrack all their own.  It was me, the wind, the kayaker down below on the creek that feeds the lake and the Cricket-adas.

Riding well below donkey wheezing pace, I had time to listen closer and tune-in the harmonies of the bugs.  I could afford to peer over the edge of the Cliffside trail and check out the dead fallen trees bridging the ravine.  I filled up my phone’s memory bank with photos.  I thought to stop and snap a photo of the trail in the “v” of two trees, but the flow was too good.  At the next intersection, I smiled wiping a cobweb from my face.  I was the first rider of the day on the Grandview loop.

Deadfall on Cliffside

I love riding with friends and teammates, but here comes the but.  I enjoy the solo ride too.  I like to ride my pace of the day, stop when I want to stop, hammer when I feel punchy.  If you need a natural break, you pull over at the next big tree and don’t have to dig deep to claw back on the train.  With a song in my head, “Save Me San Francisco” by Train, I whistled and rode the flow of the Shadow Run loop.

Interesting Tree at the Time

I planned on two hours, but got back to my car 20 minutes early.  I wasn't ready for civilization yet.  I laced up my running shoes, tucked the car key under the leg of my bike shorts and headed back out to round off the time with a trail run.  The ground felt soft and springy under my steps.  Now traveling even slower, with my breath being the only self generated noise, I could hear the kids playing in the pool, the occasional car on the road far below my ridgeline trail and still, the chorus of cicadas.  While the small climbs were tougher on foot, that “v” in between the trees was just as fun to run through.

Back at my truck, I ran into a friend headed out for a solo ride of his own.  As he made a last tweak on his bike, I raved about my ride and run to Bill.  It was Sunday.  I think we were both at church.  A solo ride is always refreshing and redeeming for the soul.  

Death March on Ghost Roads: XXC Magazine Article Preview

I feel like I’m trying to solve that childhood math brain teaser, only train A is my teammate and I traveling 5 miles of pavement and 5 miles of gravel and train B is us traveling 4 miles of gravel and 3 miles of singletrack with two creek crossings.  Which one will reach Callahan Cemetery first?  That problem and dozens like it have burnt up more emails, Facebook posts, and text messages in the past two weeks than two teenage girls trying to pick out outfits for the Lady Gaga concert.  Today, the day before the Sub 9 Death March in Indiana’s Hoosier National Forest, at least we’re certain that we’ll be wearing mountain bike shoes and our hot spandex shorts.      

Since there isn’t a set course and the object is to reach all the mandatory check points and get to the finish in the quickest time, the variables are mind numbing: gravel, time bonus checkpoints, pavement, singletrack, shortcuts, swollen creeks, a firetower climb, slippery mud, crosswinds, the ever present chance of mistaking a hunting trail for an official trail and the drama of which checkpoints will be mandatory.  The last two weeks of planning, while a great distraction from work and team building exercise, have been nearly maddening.  Thank goodness we met at the Rusty Bucket over a beer.  My BioWheels/Reece-Campbell Racing teammates and I probably revised our route once every two days.  Maybe after two weeks my eyes are catching up to my master's age, but I swear there are roads or trails that appear to go through from point A to point B on Google Maps, but at a second glance they disappear in the middle of nowhere.  It very well could be a death march. 

Read More In the Next Issue of XXC Magazine

Back before this part of Hoosier National Forest was an area of recreation and conservation, before the Army Corps of Engineers built the dams and lakes, this was family farm and logging country.  The stones in the cemetery, lined up by name and some dating to the early 1800’s, are testament to that.  The stones in Robertson Cemetery have quite a few Robertson’s, same with Todd Cemetery.  When your grandparents were young, there were farms and farm roads, logging camps and logging roads here.  Eventually, however, the land was used up of its riches.  The farmers and loggers moved on to richer soils and older trees.  About that time, the government began purchasing parcels.  The rivers were dammed, the town of Elkinsville evacuated, and the lakes and park born.  Consequently, in the last 50 or 60 years, like the modern day ghost town of Elkinsville, some of those old farm and logging roads have simply been retaken by nature.  Internet mapping hasn’t been so quick to notice the ghost roads.  Suddenly your GPS isn’t so reliable. 


It's 8:45am and we're awaiting the announcement of the other two mandatory checkpoints.

(...to be continued in an upcoming article in XXC Magazine, click here to subscribe)

A nice recap of the BioWheels/Reece-Campbell racing effort here, written by my teammate "Jimmy Road Rash."

A Rogue Racing team recap here on "Love The Pain."

Photo Link to Indy Triple

Photo Link to Two Pedals Photography

Sub 9 Death March Facebook Link for Results, Recaps and Rider Photos

Sub-9 Death March: Don’t Drink From The Cemetery Well

It finally struck me.  We’re visiting cemeteries on the Sub-9 Death March Race, March 12^th in Indiana’s Hoosier National Forest, cemeteries with real dead people, headstones, crosses, and family history, former farmers and loggers, fathers, mothers, daughters and sons.  It reminded me of my grandmother's funeral last week.

At first we got wrapped up in the fastest way to get from one cemetery to another, researching GPS, Google Maps and every area map we could get our hands on.  We talked tires and bikes and water and tools.  Then, while looking for an online trail map, I saw a link for a genealogy website listing one of the cemeteries on the Death March.   I clicked.

Maybe I shouldn’t have.  One week ago, I was at a cemetery in a suit and tie carrying a casket, my first time as a pallbearer.  It was heavier than I thought and while using a lot of strength, I tried to be as quiet and gentle as possible pulling it out of the funeral coach.  It made me think twice about the race.  The website listed all the names and dates of the readable markers in the cemetery, some dating back to 1833.  Just think, 180 years ago, someone just like me laid their loved ones to rest at Mitchell Cemetery, one of the handful of historic Indiana cemeteries of the Sub-9 Death March.

As I thought about it more, it’s probably not wise to come flying into a cemetery at 20 miles an hour, lock up the brakes, dump the bikes on the ground, scream to your teammate “there’s the sign” and go running full bore to snap a photo. 

So here are some rules I came across to keep the spirits on your side during the Death March: 

1) Running is not appropriate at the cemetery, neither is laying on the ground to stretch, jumping up and down to get the feeling back in your toes, or eeking out that fart that’s been pent up for the last hour in your chamois.

2) Soft voices should be used.  Also, it’s probably not cool to use expletives or the word “holy” in conjunction with any other word at a cemetery, such as, “holy (blank) I’m (expletive) tired.”

3) Gravestones, markers, plants, crosses are special sacred symbols that represent respect for the dead.  Walk around them, otherwise a boney hand may come out of the soil and pull you under.

4) While I have found no proof of it, as childhood memory serves, you should hold your breath while passing a cemetery so the spirits don’t take over your soul.

5) To take some of the creepiness away from the situation of being surrounded by 180 year old corpses, take a second to contemplate the lives of the people at the cemetery.  They were just like you once, only with a much heavier wooden wheeled bike.

6) As an added bonus, while I can't confirm any of the cemeteries of the Death March have one, I found out that some cemeteries have a well so that visitors can water the plants and flowers that mark the graves.  However, I will not be drinking any well water from underneath a cemetery.

Minus 6

I planned on writing a post today about my daily wrestling match with my baby iPod headphone cord that seems to come alive at night and slithers and twists itself into confusing knots which take me 5 minutes to untangle everytime I want to use them spinning/riding.  But, that'll have to wait til next week.  Till then, take the poll on the right.

On the way to work this morning, my dashboard thermometer set a record.  No, I wasn't riding my Specialized super-cruizer.  I had an early meeting which I couldn't be remotely stinky for.  Besides it's artic and would take an hour to get dressed and undressed for the 25 minute bike ride.  I draw the line when the act of dressing for the ride takes longer than the actual ride.

Granted, I've lived in Wisconsin and Illinois and been in more booger & tear freezing weather, but I bought the truck in '06 in Madison, IN.  Super Romper's never seen real cold.  As I drove in near the landmark of Saint Rose Church, I watched the guage drop from the 37 degree temp in my garage and wondered if it'd go past below zero.  It did.  Minus six.  The vista of the sunlit steam rising off the Ohio River from behind the church was breath taking.  Even if you're not on a bike, sometimes you just have to enjoy the scenery.  Minus six can be beautiful.  For the record, I didn't see a soul on two wheels.  The entire length of the river from Lunken Airport to Downtown Cincinnati looked like this.

OVCX @ NATS

I wish I was there to see Morgan Webb’s face when his daughter Eden stood on the podium with a Silver Medal. (Photo: The little medalist herself with daddy pictured left from Velonews-how sweet is that!) What happened to Anna Jean from Louisville? Seems like a tough break for one of the fastest women in the OVCX. I hope Karen got the “look I’m in front of Ned” photo when her husband BioWheel’s Doug Hamilton was lapped by cycling hero Ned Overend. So many stories. But I have to admit, sleeping in on Sunday morning might have been worth missing Nat's.

I guarantee this list of OVCX racers at CX Nationals is not complete, mainly because I swear I saw Ryan Lindsey from Zepher/Cycledots yesterday but even upon a double check he remains buried in a list of bib numbers. Sorry bud. I was pretty CX-eyed by the time I got to the day 4 results. It was especially tough to figure out who is actually from the Ohio Valley area in the Collegiate Results. If you don’t see somebody you know, send an email or view full results from the 2008 Cyclocross Nationals in Kansas City on the USA Cycling Website here or at the KC Cross Nationals website.

PHOTO: a familiar mullet-#2237 and a familiar Texas Roadhouse jersey #355 in the U23 race from VeloNews.

B Women
1 2276 BOREM, Nicole Warsaw, IN DRT Racing 00:44:40.00
DNS 2265 LEWIS SROKA, Julie N. Royalton, OH Lake Effect Cycling

B Men 30-39
2 2088 MESSER, Andy Columbus, IN DRT Racing 00:42:54.00
17 2015 MYERS, Ryan fort Wayne, IN NA 00:45:51.00

B Men 40+
14 1749 SROKA, Rudy N. Royalton, OH Lake Effect Cycling Team + ST
26 1741 HEPPNER, Blaine Louisville, KY Bike Clicks/Team Louisville

35 1745 COLLINS, Joe Louisville, KY Team Louisville + ST
38 1723 CRAFT, Jeffrey Madison, OH Lake Effect Cycling Team + ST

Junior Girls 10-12
2 1637 WEBB, Eden Louisville, KY Red Zone Cycling 00:38:53.00
8 1638 HALEY, Frances-Jane Louisville, KY Red Zone Cycling 00:48:02.00

Junior Girls 13-14
4 1290 MOSSMAN, Hannah Cincinnati, OH One Call Now 00:31:58.00

Junior Girls 15-16
7 934 MORRIS, Colleen Cincinnati, OH One Call Now 00:32:11.00

Junior Girls 17-18
5 940 MORRIS, Michelle Cincinnati, OH One Call Now 00:30:28.00

Masters Women 45-49
12 1602 LEWIS SROKA, Julie N. Royalton, OH Lake Effect Cycling Team 00:46:27.00

Masters Women 30-34
DNF 1577 DALLAIRE, AnnaJean Louisvile, KY SoBe-Cannondale

Masters Men 35-39
29 1140 MESSER, Andy Columbus, IN DRT Racing 00:48:51.00
44 1039 MYERS, Ryan fort Wayne, IN NA 00:50:28.00

Masters Men 40-44
26 1257 WEBB, Morgan Louisville, KY Barbisol 00:48:36.00
35 1235 HEPPNER, Blaine Louisville, KY Bike Clicks/Team Louisville 00:49:52.00

Masters Men 45-49
7 1302 SHOGREN, gunnar Morgantown, WV SoBe Cannondale 00:47:43.00
9 1313 CARD, JONATHAN SYLVANIA, OH SATURN OF TOLEDO 00:48:31.00
25 1411 FAGERBERG, Erik LOUISVILLE, KY Calistoga Racing Team 00:51:07.00
45 1332 MANDROLA, john louisville, KY Calistoga Racing Team 00:53:51.00
59 1377 COLLINS, Joe Louisville, KY Team Louisville + 1 Lap Down
70 1388 OTTING, mike cincinnati, OH Mercyhealthplex/7hills Racing + 1 Lap Down

Masters Men 50-54
14 829 CRAFT, Jeffrey Madison, OH Lake Effect Cycling Team 00:50:10.00
28 851 SROKA, Rudy N. Royalton, OH Lake Effect Cycling Team 00:52:44.00
44 835 TOLER, Richard Dayton, OH Team Kreitler Rollers + 1 Lap Down
56 861 HAMILTON, Doug Fairborn, OH BioWheels Racing/Reese-Campbel + 2 Laps

Under 23 Women
8 408 BENSON, Emily Medina, OH DRT Racing + 1 Lap Down

Under 23 Men (may be some discrpency between KC results & USA Cycling)
19 Clayton Omer 53:28.0 344 Calistoga Racing Team
26 322 LLEWELLYN, Andrew Louisville, KY Calistoga Racing Team 00:55:02.00
37 334 EDWARDS, ZACHARY FORT WAYNE, IN DRT RACING + 2 Laps Down

DI Collegiate Men
5 Mike Sherer IU
7 Kip Spaude Lindsey Wilson
8 Issac Neff IU
12 Clayton Omer Lindsey Wilson

Elite Men
51 Ryan Knapp BikeReg.com

Elite Women
35 Betsy Shogren Sobe Cannondale

The Cat Peed On Me...and other excuses for missing a race

We are dangerously close to the first original post on The Best Bike Blog Ever. Granted the stories about Cincinnati's UCI 3-day cyclocross weekend were original, however they weren't written specifically for this blog. If you didn't know, AOL is closing it's Journals. As of October 31st my former blog, "Joe Biker" on AOL, will be gone forever, update your bookmarks & favorites. While just about everything has been moved and I'm pretty happy with the layout and appearance, I regretfully haven't had time to write new content for The Best Bike Blog Ever. In the works is an article about the handful of bike shops scattered across the nation from Key West to Kaanapali that live in the happy dusty corners of my travel memories. Stay tuned and thanks for reading. Til then, here's a classic from the former Joe Biker Blog on AOL dated Thursday, July 5, 2007.

The Cat Peed On Me...and other excuses for missing a race

The cat peed on me. That’s why I didn’t race DINO AMBC at Muskawhatevertuck. Now, I know what you’re saying, “but you’re Joe Biker and nothing stops you from racing!” Well I’m sorry teammates and friends. Apparently, this Bio Wheels racer has found his Kryptonite.

I’ve raced with a leg brace just months after ACL reconstruction. Carson Palmer ain’t got jack on me. Losing my tire a quarter of a lap into the 6 Hours of John Bryan last year didn’t stop me. I rode the rim, still kept the 2nd place team behind us. But cat piss on my backside at 5am the morning of an AMBC race spelled immediate disaster.

I got to bed late for a race, maybe around midnight. But, the DINO start time was noon, so I thought I could sleep till 8ish, and still make the 2 hour drive with plenty of time to get lost and/or get in a good warm up. It was a nice two Grolsh induced slumber.

We normally put our two cats, 14 year old Hanna and 2 year old Tsali (pretty cool name huh?) in the basement before we go to bed. Cats have a weird fascination with sleeping humans. And, that whole standing on your chest and sucking your breath out thing, myth or not, still freaks me out. So, in the basement they go. Except for last Saturday night. Remember I had two beers. For a cyclist, that’s pretty much hammered pass out drunk. So, we left the cats out and hit the hay.

I’m not sure if I noticed the time on the clock or the wetness on my butt first, both were shocking. It was 5:05am. I reached back with my right hand above the covers and they were soaked. “Did I? No. It’s not my front side! What the!? (sniffing my hand) Omigod!! Hanna!!!!”

The wetness went through the blanket, sheet, my boxers, the sheet with the elastic corners and down into the mattress pad. Luckily it stopped there. I’ve never stripped the bed so quick. At 5:06 the washer was going with the first load, while I sprayed Pet Out™ on the rest of the bedding.

After shoeing the bad cat in the basement, I sat in a huff on the sofa, turned on the replay of the Busch Series Nascar race on ESPN and realized that by the time I got two loads of wash through the dryer, it would be 7am. I wouldn’t be able to sleep for more than 20 minutes at a crack before I’d have to switch loads.

I was doomed. I was pissed off. I looked at the clock again and realized that I’d have to face some of the fastest mountain bike racers in the Midwest in a matter of hours on less than 5 hours sleep. Then my little back ache from doing the Hyde Park Blast the day before crept in.

In all reality I was considering a 2 hour drive to get my ass handed to me by those Indiana boys. No thanks. I opened my book, Bobke 2, and Bob Roll and I suffered together.