Fi'zi:k Cu'Kee:saver Women's Saddle from RealCyclist.com

I'm banging my fists against the computer keyboard.  adea;o refioan; fewiau.  Why do I even bother musing about cycling when I could just copy it from the funniest cycling websites where they pay people to write, like RealCyclist.com.  After reading the following ad from RealCyclist.com for the Fi'zi:k Vesta women's saddle I'm certain of a few things.  1) The website is clearly not for real cyclists.  2) This copy was not Fi'zi:k approved.  3) If the associate at your local bike shop tried to sell you a saddle this way, you would slap him in the face.  4) I'm clearly not qualified to write for cycling publications.  5) This ad was clearly not written by a real cyclist, a guy who really wants to sell a $130 saddle to a woman, an actual woman, someone disguised as a woman, Wendy Williams, or even guy with a doll that he calls his girlfriend for that matter.  It is very possible it was written by someone with callouses on his right hand.

Fi'zi:k Vesta K:IUM Saddle - Women's

Perch your booty on the Fi’zi:k Women’s Vesta Saddle, and pedal with comfort. The women’s-specific shape gives you support where you need it and, thanks to the pressure-relieving beaver-breather central channel, none where you don’t. Scuff guards keep the Microtex cover unmarked if you lay your bike down, while Fi’zi:k’s Integrated Clip System lets you seamlessly install an I.C.S.-compatible saddle bag or light. With the Fi’zi:k Vesta, you’ll be filling your lungs with fresh air instead of filling your shorts with saddle sores.

Now, let's dissect this beauty.  Do you know what pops up on Yahoo image search results when you type in the word booty?  DO YOU?  For shame.  And shame on me too, because I dared to check.  First of all, the moment you finish typing the "y" of the word booty, your computer goes into blue screen lockdown mode and sends emails and texts to the authorities, your wife and your mom to inform them that you may be looking at porn.  Seriously, it triggers your computers "safe search" filter advising you of the forthcoming watermelon sized naked cabooses that's about to be displayed on your 17 inch screen.  The next thing that pops up, after agreeing to turn "safe search" off is hundreds of pictures of the biggest asses you've ever seen in your life outside of the Biggest Loser Ranch.  Granted, some are in bicycle shorts...barely.  The next thing that happens is spyware, unless you turn the "safe search" back on.  Clearly BOOTY is not the correct term to describe a women's um, backside and clearly not how a woman who would spend $130 on a saddle would refer to her...um...cute little tushy. 

You had me at booty.  Really I would've bought the saddle right then and there.  But, this saddle has a Beaver Breather.  Thank goodness because mine almost suffocated.  Were there less offensive words that RealCyclist.com decided not to use, like uhm...maybe cookie saver?  I wouldn't even dare to type "beaver breather" into a search engine...at least not at work.  I'm guessing I wouldn't see comical fuzzy little creatures wearing SCUBA gear while building a dam on a picturesque creek.

The sad thing is, if you go to Fi'zi:k's website the copy for the Vesta saddle reads quite professionally and un-offensive like this:

Vesta. A pressure relief channel praised by pros and enthusiasts alike.

But I guess RealCyclist.com thought that trying to work the words "saddle sores" and "laying your bike down" into the copy was more effective in luring women to purchase this high-end, pretty, white, well designed, ultra light, matches any bike, relatively inexpensive, pro-level saddle.


note: no beavers were harmed in this story.