Lighting My Sven Nys Prayer Candle

Dear Sven Nys,

I'm kneeling in my cycling man-cave in the back of my garage.  I'm about to light the wick.  I’m not crazy.  That’s what we cyclocrossers do when times get tough.  I believe in you.  I’m certain there are cycling Gods.  Right?  Otherwise a Google search of the phrase wouldn’t turn up hundreds of blogs and websites addressing general cycling deities.  Of course, you, Sven Nys, top the list when the term “Cyclocross Gods” is searched.  So, Dear Sven Nys, with seven OVCX races left on the docket, enough for a virtual redo to the start of the season and to qualify for an overall series placing, pretty please with Dugast on top, God of Cyclocross, tell me a heavenly chorus of cowbells will ring for me through November and December. 

Pozzato’s tattoo reads: “Only God Can Judge You.”  Obviously someone’s looking after him.  Of course with all things cyclocross concerning me, I turn to you.  I know you’ve been watching me from your team RV in the sky.  You saw it happen.  At the first race of the season I rolled a tubie on an off camber hillside.  Immediately, I heard your deep accent thunder across the sky of the Kings CX venue, “You Mahst Use Fresh Gloo Avery Season.”  Lesson learned.  Saving a buck doesn’t play in cross.  I get it.  While registering for Fisherman’s Park in Louisville I sausage fingered the sign-up and clicked on the wrong race which cascaded into a whole mess of issues.  As of today I am still not scored in the race.  I know it was your way of saying, “Faht Feengers Mean You Mahst Loose A Few Kilos.”  Done.  At USGP, my seat post broke on the first lap.  It was my fault again.  I don’t blame the EC70 carbon.  The post got stuck in the seat tube over last winter and heroic measures had to be taken to remove it obviously resulting in stressing the carbon weave.  Understood, I should’ve learned the same lesson from my tubie rolling that saving a buck doesn’t cut it. 

Well, that’s three things.  I’m done.  That’s how it works right? 

From now till I hang up the bike in the garage, I thought I’d be blessed with laser quick clip-ins at the start line, the Nys heavenly light would illuminate the best lines on the course, guys who normally smoke me would have mechanicals, bonk, wreck and leave me to snag a piece of that tasty Elite Masters top-ten payout pie.  But no.

Getting ready for cross practice last night, I noticed my Challenge Fango tubie has a tear in the sidewall.  Really?  C’mon Sven.  I’ve paid my dues in tears, sweat, snot, bruises and good old cash money.  For the love of Jean Robic don’t make me light this ridiculous Sven Nys prayer candle.

Hup Hup,

Joe Biker

Pulled @ USGP? What The Hell Were You Thinking?

Hey Sour Puss.  Hup Hup and cheer up.  The first faces I saw at the USGP on Saturday were sour pusses.  Like a pre-school art project gone wrong, their dejected faces decorated with the course’s dry dirt glitter affixed by a grotesque snotty sweat-glue told the story.  They didn’t even care to wipe off the Dirt Goatee©.  When I arrived in time to warm up for the Elite masters race, a lot of strong Cat 3 riders, riders who normally would be driving the front end of their regional series races, stood disgruntled on the outside of the tape as they watched the front end of the 2/3 race finish.  Getting pulled sucks monkey butt.  You could hear their thoughts.  “I should be up there.”  "The course was too short."  Riders felt cheated, and rightfully so…but only to an extent.

1. MrKatieCompton 
     
    I will say, day 2 at USGPLouisville was a step in the right direction but still some work to do.Twitter

As Jay Leno would put it to Hugh Grant, “What the hell were you thinking?”  45 riders entered a Cat 2/3 CX race with over 100 riders from all over the nation already signed up.  No offense to their prowess on the bike, but I think it’d be a tall order for even Jeremy Powers to plow his way from the back to the front of a 145 deep field of 2/3 riders in 45 minutes while avoiding every calamity, even if the lap was 8 minutes long.  By some of the bitching and moaning I heard from Cat 3’s around the course you’d think common sense were a banned substance.  You got whomped by starting in the back of essentially a Cat 2 race.  Maybe what’s really stinging ya is realizing that the whoopin’ was administered by 15 year old Jordan Cullen, pictured below.  The Cat 2/3's at the USGP aren’t a 30 year old’s playground anymore.

Still, a rider doesn’t see himself as a bib number and a birthday.  They see themselves as a Cat 3 who trained hard, paid $35, traveled, maybe even booked a hotel and didn’t really get to race.  Yeah.  Yeah!  You tell ‘em Joe Biker.  You say if the promoter accepts 145 riders, 145 riders should have a shot.  Yeah!!  Well this is a big field in cyclocross and not the 26.2 mile course of the Flying Pig marathon.  Riders get pulled when about to be lapped.  It sucks.  It’s cold.  Its cross.  Having a longer course at USGP may have saved a few souls, but I’d say even with an 8 minute lap, close to half the field was doomed from the start based on math alone. 

The last 50 riders signed up in the 2/3 field spilled cooking oil on the counter, left the coffee maker on and hoped the house wouldn’t burn down, short course or not.  That’s not the promoters fault.  There was a better option.  Coulda.  Woulda.  Shoulda.  A racer coulda passed 65 riders with a click of a button by entering the 80 deep pro race.  The Elite Masters 35+ had a solid 70 riders, 45+ had a manageable 59. 

Yeah the course was short.  However, even with an 8-9 minute lap, I have never been at a big cyclocross race where 140 riders, even 100 riders, even 75 riders finished on the lead lap.  Think of it like a beer bong.  The first 1-2 beers will make it down easy.  Unless you’re a fraternity brother nicknamed Bruno, the 3^rd PBR tall boy is going all over your shirt.  Secondly, I’ve started in the back in big races.  Even at the top of my CX game, avoiding every wreck and hitting every perfect line, I’ve never been able to pass 35 or so riders at the most.  For anyone who signed up when the USGP 2/3 field grew past 100, the odds were in the casino’s favor. 

CX is growing faster than the mold on the water bottle in the back of my truck.  A few years ago combining the 2’s and 3’s at USGP and other large races made sense and didn’t make a gargantuan field.  Promoters could attract the regional Cat 2’s that would rather not fork out another $60 for a UCI license they’d use once.  For the first time in their CX lives, if they entered early, they could be on the driving end of race rather than getting beat by Cat 1’s and pros.  Strong Cat 3’s would have their hands full, but still have fun.  With the short course at USGP and a field close to the population of metro Louisville, the fun got pulled right with the riders.  So I guess there are three options: enter a race where the mathematic probability of finishing on the lead lap is the highest, design a hideously long cyclocross course that can keep a larger portion of a field 145 riders on the lead lap or, simply split the 145 strong 2/3 field.  I like the latter.  It’s a good thing too.  Cyclocross in the US, in the Midwest, in Cincinnati and Louisville, is big enough for each category to have its own field.  That’s incredible.

Cinti Cyclist Injured-Help with Alison Delgado Fund

I personally don't know Alison Delgado, it doesn't matter.  Her and her husband seem a lot like my wife and I, athletic professionals, eastsiders, probably a lot like you too.  They race, they ride, run, hike and backpack.  In fact you could probably swap the names and professional occupations in the article below and it'd be like reading your own biography, except she probably beat you in the Flying Pig.  Cute couple too.  Chances are you were on a ride and gave Alison a "cyclists wave" or a head nod and not even knew it was her.  She was struck by a car recently.  The following is an excerpt from the Alison Delgado fundraising page on Razoo, a fundraising website.  Click here to go to that page. Please do what you can to help. 


On October 16th, Alison was riding on Cincinnati's East Side when she was struck a by car. She's still being treated at Cincinnati's University Hospital for the multiple, serious injuries that she sustained.  The medical bills are mounting and your help for Alison is greatly appreciated.  


Alison is the 2005 women’s champion of the Cincinnati Flying Pig.  Read the story by clicking this link to the Flying Pig website.    

Along with her husband, Resident Physician Tim Delgado, she is an avid cyclist, racing in both road and cyclocross events. She also loves hiking and backpacking.

The outdoors aren’t her only passion- she is a Resident Pediatrician at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital. Alison is a very bright and outgoing person, so please help wipe away one more needless worry from Tim and Alison’s plate as they focus on Alison’s recovery.

Your donation is entirely tax deductible and everything you give will be sent directly to Fifth Third Bank's Alison Delgado Fund. If you would rather mail a check, please send it to:

The Alison Delgado Fund

c/o Fifth Third Bank

38 Fountain Square Plaza

MD 109026

Cincinnati Ohio 45202

You can also give directly by going to any Fifth Third bank branch office.  Or click here to donate on Razoo.

Learn Italian & Train For Nats: Fisher-Price Smart Cycle

You’ve muscled through Moab, pedaled the Blue Ridge Parkway, but you haven’t ridden a bike till you’ve mastered Math Mountain, Shape Lake, Number Fields and Letter Creek.  I saw the TV commercial for this, The Fisher Price Smart Cycle Racer and immediately the heel of my own hand fumped me in the forehead.  Donk!  Much like riding a bike in Cincinnati traffic, it’s a kids exercise bike where you can ride through a wacky interactive educational video game world.  Why didn’t I, a guy who silent pokes fun at fat kids eating caramel apples in mom and dad’s car while I ride by the local farmers market, a guy who once kept a notebook of goofy million dollar ideas including putting the phone book on a memory card for your cell phone, think of this.  It solves two of the nations biggest problems, big fat stupid kids, at once.  I always tell myself the best ideas come from stuff you’re passionate about.  I like writing and cycling but I'm not a big fan of children.  So once again, I point out someone else’s brilliance on my blog in hopes of hornswoggling another Facebook follower.  Fisher Price will make ka-jillions.  Whether it’ll be another cast away toy to trip over two weeks after Christmas is another story.  

But…but.  Maybe there’s room to expand on this.  Maybe I, Joe Biker, can take this “To A Ho Nutha Leh-vo.”  Sooner or later the temperature will plummet and I’ll beg Revolution Fitness for a deal on a three month gym membership to get back in shape for the 2011 season.  No doubt I’ll spend 5-6 hours in the gym every week till I forget what it feels to ride outside of the garage.  What if there was a learning trainer for adults, like a Computrainer without the fake California landscape and maddening diagrams of your poor pedaling technique?  What if instead of watching a DVD of Paris Roubaix or John Cusack in the movie High Fidelity for the 13^th time, you could learn Italian with the Rosetta Stone Smart Cycle Racer.  Maybe I could get my Masters degree from the Xavier University at Fisher-Price, learn how to make my own Clif Bars, or tie a bow tie in a fun video game way all while getting massive base miles for the Mohican 100.

Of course it’d need some refinements, unless the reasonably priced $85 Fisher-Price bike would be an upgrade from what you’ve been noodling around town.  Just like hooking up a Computrainer, you could ride your own bike, and swap the software cartridge out in your bottle cage.  Now, imagine crushing the climb up Fluent Italian Mountain, winding your way through Journalism 401 Forest and finishing up with intervals along Bow Tie Creek.

WIKI LEEKI: 2011 Tour De France Route Map Leaked

(Nose Hit News Service/Paris, France)  Just hours before Tour De France organizers planned release of de 2011 race route, Le Wiki Leeki (a French organization that is not on strike) allegedly unveiled portions of the route and uncorked the champagne themselves.  French authorities are redundantly calling it a faux hoax.  Included in the leak were details of new starting cities, a time trial in the Basque town of Testostero'ne, and a full map pictured below.

Stages 1 & 2

Stage 1, according to Le Wiki Leeki, takes place after the traditional prologue in Paris and follows the traditional flat start to the tour taking riders 135 miles from Clenbuterol, originally settled by Russian immigrants and finishes in Cera, known for its potent blood red wine.  Stage 2, the group contends, continues through the northern part of the country with an undulating 120 mile circumnavigation of the wine producing country between Vino and Landis'eille. 

Stages 6 & 7 

The first week of the tour ends with a bumpy ride, according to the Leeki, as the road tilts up for the first time.  Of particular interest is stage 7, which Wiki says will depart in Aach-Gee-Aach and finish 145 miles and three Category 2 climbs later in the Belgian town of Balco.

Stages 9-11 

These three stages take riders from through the heart of the Pyrenees Mountains in the middle of the 2^nd week says Leeki.  While stage 9 from E'peeo to Cortisone features 3 HORS rated climbs, stage 10 ending in the ski resort town of Puerto is certain to be a pivotal stage Le Wiki reports,  since it will be followed by a stage 11 time trial from Homologous to Mayo, where mayonnaise was invented.

Full 2011 Tour Route Map