King’s Int’l CX brings World Champion to Cinci

Limited Edition James Billiter Poster Available Here

The Belgians are coming to Cincinnati, and so are the Swiss, Czech and the Danes.  With the Cyclocross World Championships coming to Louisville, many of the World’s best cyclocross racers are choosing to keep their legs fresh by racing at the King’s International Cyclocross race Saturday, January 26th at Kingswood Park off Irwin-Simpson Road in Mason.  We hope to see you there, perhaps eating a Taco, drinking a beer and ringing a cowbell.  With the attention of the world wide cycling media, this is the Ohio Valley's chance to show the world Cincinnati's scene.  

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for cycling fans in Cincinnati to get a photo, an autograph and even race with the best Cyclocross racers in the World.  Elite women start at 2pm Eastern, men at 3:30pm.  The event is free and open to the public.  Fans can enjoy food and drink from area food truck vendors while watching the racing action.  Proceeds benefit the Lionhearts Junior Cycling Program based in Cincinnati, the next generation of area riders.

This is also the only opportunity for fans to see the World Champion Niels Albert race in rainbow stripes, others in National Champion colors and sponsor team kits from around the globe.  In Louisville, racers will wear the colors of their national federation team.  Noted confirmed riders attending include: World Champion Niels Albert (BKCP-Powerplus), US National Champion Jonathan Page (Engvt), and the 2012 US National Champion Jeremy Powers (Rapha-Focus).  On the women’s side fans will be treated to the USA’s Georgia Gould (LUNA) and Meredith Miller (Cal-Giant) along with former Czech champion Katerina Nash (LUNA), Swiss National Champion Jasmine Achermann (Rapha-Focus), and European Continental Champion Helen Wyman (KONA).

While the professional riders see the race as a tune-up for the World Championships in Louisville, locals see an opportunity to tow the line with the best in the world or simply see stars of the sport compete in their backyard.  The Cincinnati Cyclocross race is presented by Toyota, Reece-Campbell General Contractors, United Dairy Farmers, Magnum Ice Cream, DeFeet and Enzo’s.

Race director Corey Green says, “It is a rare opportunity to witness our US elite up against European elites in a non-Worlds environment.  It is also a rare opportunity to race as an amateur on the same course, on the same day as the reigning World Champion. We may be the first opportunity in the US to say that.”

Kings CX is home to the Lionhearts Junior Racing team, a 53 member juniors only team with kids ranging from 8 to 15 years old.  The event is a fundraiser for the team.  The Lionhearts will be running a chili and waffles stand, as well as selling coffee and hot chocolate.  Food trucks will also be on site.


A full schedule of events will be featured at Kings beginning at 8:30am for beginners, juniors, and masters.  Registration is at BikeReg.

#CXWorlds Super Cross Sunday February 3rd

European Guide to Ohio Valley

Louisville isn’t Brussels.  Cincinnati isn’t Zolder.  The elderly Belgian men in overcoats and wool driving caps hanging over the tape shaking a fist aren’t coming to Louisville.  As much as supporters may like to deport him, the young man who threw the beer at Sven doesn’t have a plane ticket.  Frites aren’t the same as French fries.  While we may see a Dirk Hofman Motorhomes sign poke above the crowd, a rowdy bunch of Netherlanders in orange and a Lion of Flanders flag or two, the majority of fans lining the entry to “The Green Monster” at the Cyclocross World Championships in Louisville on Super Bowl Cross Sunday will be mostly bike racers and their families from Kentucky, Ohio, and Indiana.  Sure, some Masters die-hards from the North East, a few Yoopers from Michigan, a handful of flatlanders and contingents from Colorado and North Carolina will find a corner of the course to call home.  For the most part however, the crowd will be the Ohio valley cycling crowd: OVCX racers, the mountain bikers, the roadies, and the century fueled members of the Cincinnati and Bluegrass Cycling clubs.  Louisville Worlds is what we make it.

Masters Worlds Finish 2012

We’ve all wondered how it would be to see a cross race in Belgium with a cacophony of languages drowning our ears, but that sound will be drawled out in Louisville.  About the only thing that will be the same is the sport, the cowbells and seeing your breath in the air.  On the bright side, you won’t have to cock your head sideways to read a confusing Flemish food truck menu.  You won’t need to bring Euros.  You can use Kentucky dollars.  Here in the Ohio Valley, in your Carhartt overalls, North Face Jacket and Hunter boots, you’ll be the scene.  The crowd on “Rachel’s Drop” isn’t going to be six people deep unless you pack the kids in your Caravan.  And by Caravan, we mean mini-van, not camper.  I’m not counting on Belgian waffles.  I’ll likely be armed with a concealed thermos of Cincinnati chili.  Of course, there may or may not be a flask of Bourbon tucked into a chest pocket.  If you dare to poach some free advertising, believe it or not the local motor home dealer is Tom Raper RV.  However, I don’t think you’ll go that far.  I do expect to see a tempting piece of bacon on a fishing pole.  I’m hoping for burgers and burritos under a wave of stars and stripes.  We’ll shout “go go go!”  And, we’ll heckle. 

A Bacon Hand Up at Eva Bandman

Boy will we heckle.  Because come February 4th, the sight of your European cross heroes blasting through the Eva Bandman sand, the chance to ring a cowbell in front of World Champion stripes, the opportunity to shout “Allez” in front of a real French rider, all of it will be gone.  The courses at Eva Bandman and Kings CX will return to the quiet dog walking parks they usually are in winter.  The barge traffic will be the star along the Ohio River.  Louisville will look ahead to the Derby.  The Cincinnati suburb of Mason won’t see another European athlete until the Tennis Masters Tournament.  You’ll go back to the gym and the Sunday group ride to once again day dream about the big day, the big race.  Only, there won’t be a race as big and as close for a long long time (Richmond in 2015.)

One Footer at Masters Worlds 2012

Still for some, sadly it’ll be too cold, too far, and they might have to pry open a frugal Midwest wallet to make the trip to (gasp!) watch other people ride bikes.  Oh yeah.  For the record football fans, no matter where you live in the Ohio Valley, the race will end right around 3:30pm Eastern, plenty of time to drive home before the Superbowl begins.

Set your excuses aside.  The days you’ve been dreaming about are here, a few days away with Kings CX in Cincinnati and the big show in Louisville.  World Champion Neils Albert and other European pros will mix it up with the best in the US.  This isn’t another UCI weekend, another USGP.  This isn’t a chance to see a European cross race.  This is a chance to see the biggest cross races, no, the biggest bike races you’ll likely ever see without a plane ticket to Europe, (California if you’re soft.)  For Sven Nys’ sake, you can’t miss this.  Because it’s not a question of whether you’ll experience something amazing, but what amazing thing you’ll experience.  

Click here for tickets and more information.

Making Your and #CXWorlds Work Together

I Would Sob 10 Seconds Later courtesy CX Magazine

I broke down after the finish line.  I remember the low winter sunshine.  Hiding my face under my arms and between the hoods of my handlebars so I wouldn’t freak out the daughters congratulating their father and fellow racer next to me, I cried for a moment, big soppy man tears.  My chest shook.  Uh huh huh.  Uh huh huh.  I could see my breath in the heat reflecting off the blacktop below me.  I smiled as I wiped my eyes.  I did it.  I raced the World Championships.

A guy 29 places ahead of me would pull on the rainbow stripes.  Crossing the line were a Belgian, a pair of Englishmen, a few Canadians and a couple guys from Coloradostan.  Sure it wasn’t the most representative international field, but the Belgian guy did take 2nd.  II was incredibly happy, 30^th in the world.  I had reached the top of my sport, or as close as this black balloon birthday aged rider could get.  I raced fast, clean and finished on the lead lap with the best 45-49 year old cyclocross racers the world could deliver, provided they had enough vacation time and discretionary income for plane tickets to Louisville last January.  You gotta pay to play.  Still more than two months away, I’m struggling to muster a second summit bid.  Maybe you are too.

Masters World Seeding Race 2012

The problem is the road to Worlds can feel like a Pisgah National Forest fire road: twisty, steep, life sucking and potholed.  The other problem is last year was pretty stellar.  There’s a stained wooden shelf high in my mind with all the memories of a great push to the World Championships carefully arranged on it: trading icy caution tape crashes with my teammate Mike at Nationals, New Years Eve intervals in my dark and cold garage, the luck of a good call-up for the seeding race, my wife and I chuckling while I dirtied the floor cleaning my bikes in the Madison hotel room, a friend lending me his pink Specialized Crux pit bike when Worlds starting flinging mud, the stern call of the UCI officials, working the Worlds pit for friends racing and of course the bib number and finishers medal.  It makes me happy to close my eyes and look at it.  While I felt different earlier in the year, I find myself struggling to find room on the shelf for more.

Go out on a high note.  It’s a quote I use when practicing cyclocross or touching my monkey.  I’m kidding!  Whether its barriers or starts, get the work in, but make sure your last effort is good so you go home feeling confident.  That’s sort of how I am now.  For the first time ever, I notched series points for an 18^th and 20^th at USGP this past weekend on the Worlds Course in Louisville.  Nine of the top 25 ranked riders in the US were in the field, five of the top 10, including 2^ndand 3^rd place.  Four of the top 20 guys from Worlds last year were in the field, including 4^th and 9^th place.  The competition doesn’t get much stronger than that.  I’m feeling pretty good about my season.  I could hang it up right now, be satisfied and turn my attention to other Masters pursuits, like getting the yard ready for winter.

One Footer at Masters CXWorlds 2012

Having never climbed but having read a library full of mountaineering books on the toilet, I look for a correlation.  If you already summited at Everest, I don’t think you have the same drive the second time around.  I think pure adventure takes a backseat.  You’re more calculated and realistic about the pursuit.  Not achieving is no longer a failure.  It’s easier to let go.  After you’re acclimated, the camp 2 tent can feel pretty cozy.  You see others on their way down and consider how nice it might be to join ‘em for the hike back to basecamp, taking a few photos and sharing conversation along the way.  However, maybe I didn’t quite get to the summit the first time.  Maybe I haven’t seen the full 360 view.  Maybe 30^th isn’t my top.  That’s what has me strapping on the crampons this year.  That and I can see the mountain from my living room.

CX Masters Seeding Rce Start Line

It’s more of a second in a lifetime opportunity.  Still, if I pass, I’ll likely never race a World Championship again unless I travel internationally.  This year again, Worlds is 24 songs on the iPod away in Louisville, an hour and a half from Cincinnati.  It’s low hanging cowbells, but between here and there is a daunting 8 weeks of hard work on the bike, holidays, expenses and arrangements: the last four OVCX Series races, a new license, Thanksgiving with friends, a new crank arm for the pit bike, Christmas in Wisconsin, New Years in Ohio, more garage intervals, another couple car washes, more derailleur cables, hotels to book, more bike cleaning, gas to pump, the Chicago Cup, Nationals, more intervals and a Worlds warm-up at KingsCX in Cincinnati.  Entering a credit card number on the registration page is more of a commitment than you think.

Friend & Colleague Amy Tobin

A conversation I had with culinary expert Amy Tobin gave me food for thought.  She’s probably one or two degrees from Guy Fieri, Gordon Ramsey and Rachael Ray.  She’s done some Food Channel and TLC.  Her cookbook is at Barnes and Noble.  She develops recipes and endorses products for food companies like Dole Salads and Jif Peanut Butter.  She runs a cooking school and has a radio show.  That’s how I know her.  She records her show segments with me at the radio station I work at.  Immediately you wouldn’t grasp the similarities, but between guests we’ll talk shop on common ground.  I’ll show her something I wrote for CX Magazine.  She’ll confide that she may have a new book brewing. 

Last week between guests she mentioned she’s not doing the little things this coming year.  She’s going to focus on the big.  I raised an eyebrow.  That’s pretty philosophical and a mite pretentious.  She explained it’s her way of keeping focus and shedding her life of the time and energy sucking endeavors with meager payoffs.  At the time, I sort of brushed it off.  My life isn’t that busy.  For goodness sakes, I don’t even have kids mucking up my work, writing and bike pursuits.  In the light of Worlds however, maybe it’s time to focus on the big things.  More importantly, maybe it’s time to let go of the little things along the way.  After all, having been there once, I know what they are.

My wife’s been on a business trip for the past week.  Frankly, I miss her.  The house is missing a spark and our cats seem preoccupied with kitty agenda rather than focusing on their job description of keeping me company.  More than racing again at Worlds, I look forward to this Saturday’s long ride with her, close friends and teammates.  We’ve got tickets for a night out and a party to attend.  I’ve already made up my mind, I’m casting off one little thing and forgoing Sunday’s OVCX race in Lexington.  This weekend, my Worlds are at home.

Should Your Worlds Road Go Through Wisconsin 

There’s more than one road to Masters CXWorlds.  Choose the one fits your life.  Having done it once before, I advise to take inventory of what is really necessary to the pursuit and what little things make the journey more difficult than it needs to be.  For me, with a Christmas trip back to see family in Wisconsin on the horizon, I think a second trip America’s Dairyland to race Nationals is unnecessary.  Despite Madison being an awesome town and the incredible CX scene up there, for me the stress and expense of a 2^nd long trip outweigh the benefits of racing.  While I think it’s important to keep racing up to Worlds, the Chicago Cup is a more logical choice to keep the legs fresh and skills sharp in the weeks leading to worlds.  However, I think two days at the Chicago Cup can be cut back to a single day trip, especially with the Cincinnati Worlds warm-up date the weekend prior to Worlds.  You see where I’m going.  Take a look at your schedule, your life, your commitments and make your worlds work together.

OVCX 2012 Schedule: Ohio Valley to Worlds

Series Art by James Billiter

With the UCI Elite and Masters World Championships coming to Louisville Jan/Feb 2013, organizers of the 9th Annual Zipp OVCX Series are proud to announce an exciting, expanded schedule for 2012.  (See schedule below or at OVCX.com.)

This year's OVCX encompasses 13 events that tour through the cyclocross scenes of Indianapolis, Bloomington, Dayton, Lexington, Cincinnati and Louisville.  Kicking off September 16th, this year’s OVCX series begins with Huber's Apple Cross in Starlight, IN - just north of Louisville. The series winds up 3 months later in mid-December with the series finale at the Major Taylor Velodrome in Indianapolis.


The schedule offers pockets for area USGP events and a great springboard for those with aspirations for the Chicago CX Cup, Nationals, Kings Invitational and Worlds in January.  Those dates also listed below.

The Cincy3 Cyclocross Festival makes its return to the OVCX series with Devou Park, Harbin Park, and the new Saturday night Elite/Pro races under the lights at Kings CX.  8 other venues link the cities of Dayton and Cincinnati in Ohio, Indianapolis and Bloomington in Indiana, and Louisville and Lexington in Kentucky.  The geographic layout of the series puts most venues within an easy two hour drive for most participants. 

Racers Battle the Mud at Kings CX Cincinnati

The 2012 series aims to be more work, family and travel friendly.  (See video at right or click here.)  Aside from the Cincy3 weekend, participants will see only one race per weekend on the schedule.  As in previous years, your best seven races count toward the series overall title making it easy to compete and have fun.  The OVCX series is committed to being a vehicle in developing young talent and will again offer numerous categories for juniors aged 10 to 18 and an under 19 category in elite races.  Chip timing will be again at each event to provide quick results and submission to USA Cycling for national ranking points.  Full series rules and categories will be posted to OVCX.com by mid-June.

So get your gear and cowbells warmed up and ready - we're in for a season to remember!

2012 OVCX Calendar:

Date:       Venue                                         Location                     

Sept 16    Huber's Apple Cross (NEW!)       Louisville       

Sept 30    St. Mary’s Cyclocross                  Indianapolis

Oct 7       Midwest Outdoor Exp. (Gearfest) Dayton                       

Oct 14     Gun Club Cross                            Cincinnati                   

Oct 21     Bloomingcross                              Bloomington  

Oct 28     Storm the Greens                          Louisville                   

Nov 2      Cincy3 (Devou, Kings, Harbin)     Cincinnati                   

Nov 18    Promotion Cross                           Lexington                   

Nov 25    Brookside Cup                              Indianapolis               

Dec 9      Buckingham Financial John Bryan   Dayton           

Dec 16    Major Taylor Velodrome (NEW)   Indianapolis    


NON OVCX Dates To Note:
Sept 8    Lionhearts CX                                Cincinnati
Sept 15  Hubers Apple CX Day 1                Louisville
Sept 22  USGP Madison Day 1                   Madison, WI
Sept 23  USGP Madison Day 2                   Madison, WI
Nov 10  USGP Louisville Day 1                   Louisville
Nov 11  USGP Louisville Day 2                   Louisville
Jan 5      Chicago CX Cup Day 1                 Chicago, IL
Jan 6      Chicago CX Cup Day 2                 Chicago, IL
1/10-13 National Championships                 Madison, WI
Jan 26    Kings CX Invitational UCI             Cincinnati
1/30-2/3 World Championships                   Louisville

#26.2 Stickers & Other Things To Let Go Of

Maybe that’s why people have stick children on their windows and put 26.2 stickers on their bumpers.  I too want to wave it around for everyone to see.  Look!  Look what I did.  I raced a marathon!  I created a monster that can’t control his two year-old self in the cereal aisle at Kroger.  I’m fit, awesome and my buns look hot in cycling shorts!

But that’s exactly what I’m doing.  I’m trying to hang my hat on something.  Problem is, hanging your hat implies being done and I’m far from that.

It’s still the desktop background on my computer, the picture from Cyclocross Magazine of me finishing 30^th place and on the lead lap at the 45-49 Masters Cyclocross World Championships.  It’s my lei from Iron Man in Kona. It’s my baby.  It’s my 26.2. 

I don’t want to come off the high.  I like being him.  Still riding the buzz of the pink bike, I’m having a hard time entering another race.  I want to stay the guy whose last race was Worlds.  They always say, “You’re only as good as your last race.” 

So, I want the stick figures on my back window to show a skinny husband and wife on bikes, two cats, our 6 other bikes, the outlines of all the countries and states where we’ve vacationed and the logo from the 2012 Cyclocross Masters World Championships in Louisville.  Look!  Look what I did!

But, that’d be idiotic.  The meaningful moments of my life couldn’t fit on ten rear windows and the schmo behind me pulling into a Walmart parking lot cares as much about Cyclocross Worlds as I care about why he's pushing a cart full of Sudafed.  We don’t exist to impress other people.

However, while it’s not impressive, a cart full of Sudafed does sort of identify you, and not as someone who has a really stuffy nose.  Same goes for the 26.2.  It says you’re a long distance runner and probably look good in shorts.  And, that “I Heart CX” sticker says the driver likes racing weird bikes in the mud. 

Rico!

If that’s so, that’s not saying much.  This is precisely why I don’t have a tattoo.  One day you put a 26.2 or etch rainbow stripes on your arm and the next thing you know, you’re forever locked in the past like the football tossing Uncle Dork in Napoleon Dynamite.

We’re more than that.  Lives can’t be defined by stickers and tattoos.  So, while your 26.2 sticker, his IM tattoo and my World Championship finishers medal are good keepsakes and reminders of who we are and what we can achieve, there’s no good reason to cling to that one shining moment in fear that you can’t have another.  Mementos should keep you looking forward not back.  

Go out on a high note?  Whatever.  That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.  Sign me up for another bike race.  Even if I finish DFL, maybe I will try trail running.  Even if it was a good showing at the World Championships, an ear piercer of a high note, I don’t want to go out on it.  I’m not done.  Life is a symphony, not a song. 

#CXMasters2012 A Softie Riding Hard

Shielding my tears from two young girls no doubt waiting for their Dad to cross the line, I broke down after the finish at the Masters Cyclocross World Championships in Louisville.  When I told my wife about wearing my emotions on my jersey sleeves at the finish she rolled her eyes.  She knows me.  I also cried on my wedding day.  My shoulders rattled with man sobs and sniffles.  A photographer snapped pictures of the newly crowned 45-49 year old Masters World Champ Don Myrah next to me but I swear he snuck a click or two in my direction.  I wiped my face, mixing tears with mud and put my head in arms atop my handlebars till it passed.  Under it all I smiled.  Like my wedding day, I was happy.  My friends and family will tell you I’m a softie.

I remember seeing the Cycling Dirt video of Adam Myerson after an east coast race.  Completely emotional, torn apart and crying, he was upset that he thought that day was his day.  Oh please spare me.  He made the lead group in the Elite race only to have one small thing derail his hopes.  He was crushed under the thoughts of all that training, practice and meticulous attention to detail seemingly being of no use.  All he wanted was that one good day on the bike.  I rolled my eyes watching the video.  It’s just bike racing.  There’s always another race.  That's what I thought until my day came.

“Do you want me to put it on you?”  Barb, one of the Worlds organizers and a Louisville race promoter, offered to drape the finisher’s medal over my helmet.  I chuckled and sniffed.  My buddy Jimmy talked about finishers medals on the trip down and how bullshit they are.  He told me he once turned one down, dismissing it by saying medals should only go to the winners.  I remained indifferent.

Smiling, Barb held it out, a white enameled medallion hung from a red, white and blue ribbon.  She recognized me as her “results runner” from the USA Crit Series at Cincinnati’s Hyde Park Blast.  Being close to many of the Papa John’s team riders from Louisville and knowing practically every rider in the Ohio Valley racing scene, she knew first hand all the hill repeats, practice dismounts, and garage trainer nights that brought me to this moment. 

The Pink Pony Pit Bike

The same feelings that Adam Myerson wrestled with on his bad day were welling up and spilling out from me.  It’s not just a bike race.  World Championship or not, it really has nothing to do with the race.  It’s all those hard-guy miles, intervals and practice carries that come back at the finish line to give you one last kick in the ass and slap across the face.  Just when the dues are paid, you get one last call from the collection agency, and like Myerson, I paid in tears. 

At the beginning of the season, all I wanted out of Nationals and Worlds was to be competitive with the best my age.  Seeing the names Fred Rose, Mike McShane and Jonathan Card on the prereg list, I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but after racing the USGP in Louisville that I could stay within 2 minutes of them.  Concrete, specific and (hopefully) attainable, I set my mark on the top 35 and the lead lap at Nationals and Worlds.  That’s not too much to ask from my Sven Nys prayer candle.

Then former Olympian, Don Myrah crushed the field on the 9am frozen ruts at Nationals in Wisconsin.  Even though we weren’t lapped, we probably would have been.  My teammate Mike and I were pulled, officially 2 laps down, 40th and 41st.  I hit the deck three times that day and more course marking stakes than I can count.  Still, I felt good with my ride.  However anticlimactic and disappointing, I still had one more chance, 500 miles, 2 loads of laundry, and 1 bike cleaning away in Louisville.   

"Onetago" Courtesy CXMagazine.com

“Onetago, onetago, one-to-go!”  The announcer shouted as I got the bell.  I buried myself on that last lap, gained three spots and lost two.  I went no handed over the line, clapping my hands, applauding for myself.  I cruised into the finishing chute on the lead lap and the 29^th rider to cross the finish line at the 45-49 year old Masters Cyclocross World Championships.  I nodded, wiped my nose on my armwarmer and Barb slipped the medal over my helmet.  

#Cyclocross: My Diabolical 5-Step Tactical Plan for Masters Worlds Domination

Fave Cartoon EVER!

Trainer: Gee, Joe Biker, what do you want to do tonight?

Joe Biker: The same thing we do every night, Trainer - try to take over the world!

Clicked into a trainer and surrounded by hibernating garden tools, garbage cans, and grease coated shop rags, my water bottle and cell phone rest on the filthy hood of my Toyota 4-Runner.  I lost the remote control a few months ago backing out of the driveway with it still on the hood.  So now, barring unclipping, our 13 inch garage TV is more or less permanently tuned to Universal Sports.  It’s not bad.  At least it’s not figure skating.  I’m watching the first World Cup bobsled race of the season at high volume because my Ipod battery died 4.5 minutes into tonight’s trainer workout.  Facing a series of 5 minute blocks of 15 and 30 second all out intervals for the next eternity, my thoughts turn.  I shouldn’t have made that wrap with beans and started working out in a sealed room.  Secondly, I need a better plan to win Worlds, since actually training probably isn’t going to work.  In bike racing, we call this “tactics.”

I Work Owwwwwt!

I try to keep it positive.  Maybe I am the only guy registered for Nationals and Worlds who came home from work, made a quick veggie wrap, swapped pants for bibs, and hit the trainer still in dress socks.  Then I saw a Facebook post from the US’s #1 45-49 year old cyclocross racer Fred Rose, about “punishing” his trainer after work.  Dammit.  He’s not eating bacon while watching Jeopardy and I’m not the only one in the World, North America, the US, not even the Ohio River Valley dropping sweat on the garage floor in December.  I’m ranked 102^nd in the US of guys my age.  In the World, who knows?  I’m so screwed.

Uber-Legend Don Myrah

Then I start to crunch the numbers.  Not every 45-49 year old Cyclocrosser in the World will show up in Louisville in January.  Look at the pre-reg for Nationals.  Out of the 1450 or so ranked riders, only 65 or so were signed up the last time I checked.  Out of those, Race Predictor slated me in at 28th.  Out of those 28, who will make a second trip to race Worlds in Louisville the following weekend?  I could qualify.  I could even get a middle of the pack call-up.  Then I see Olympian, 4x National Champion, guy I read about in the magazines when I totally sucked at mountain biking and uber-legend Don Myrah is slated in behind me at 29^th for Nationals.  No matter how much he says he hasn’t been training, he’s still a killer.  He’ll certainly race Worlds and he’ll certainly leave me crying for mama between bouts of the pukes in the snow.  Then I start to wonder how many Belgians, Netherlanders and Canadians will make the trip and are watching the bobsled action from their trainer right now.  If I’m going to have a chance at taking over the World of Cyclocross, I’ve got to commence Plan B.

Step 1:  The Irresistible Infecting Invite 

Dear Fred, Mike, Keith and other Masters aged Midwest Cyclocrossers buddies faster than I,

You are cordially invited to travel over Christmas to Wisconsin with me.  I know!  How super cool of me!  I once lived and worked in Madison and have the local knowledge, like how to ride your bike on snowmobile tracks across the frozen lakes.  It’s a perfect opportunity to train on the frozen tundra, maybe pre-ride the Nationals course and enjoy free food and lodging at my brother in law's house.  You can’t pass it up!

Love,

Joe Biker

PS…I left out the part about the house crawling with germ infested kids and dogs and there’s no way any human can walk out of there between Christmas and Worlds without a sniffle or cough.  Good luck with that.  Boo ooh ah ha ah!

Step 2: Divert the Best in the US

To deal with the X-pro and other uber-masters aged athletes in Colorado, circled around Mt. Rainier and Northeast, I contracted with Cincinnati’s hotbed of IT geniuses.  Based on my theory that they spend most of their time training for Worlds in meat lockers at 5,000 feet above sea level and not enough on US Geography, I had my band of hackers make a switcheroo.  The venue for Worlds on the Bikereg.com website now reads:

 

UCI Masters Cyclo-cross World Championships powered by Exergy

Presented by

Louisville Championships 2013

Louisville, OH

Thursday, January 12, 2012 to Sunday, January 15, 2012

For Lodging in Beautiful Louisville/Stark County, OH Click Here

Step 3: Memo to Discourage Eastern Europeans

To: Eastern European Cyclocross Masters Racers

Fr: UCI Grand Poobah

Re: Countries other than the US and Canada not Eligible for Worlds

It has come to my attention that historically so called World Championships in North America, such as the NBA, NHL and NFL are really only contested by two nations, the USA and Canada.  Think about it.  Have you ever seen a Mexico City Football team win the Superbowl or a Dominican baseball team win the “World” Series?  Of course not. Even though athletes outside of the US and Canada may be better, faster and stronger, it’s obvious if the World Championships are in the US, it totally sucks donkey turds but in the eyes of most Americans, your country doesn’t really count.  Sorry, but we’ll see you in two years. 

Step 4: Defend the Northern Border

Since that would leave only Canadians left to battle against me, I have invited hockey superstar Mario LeMieux to Worlds as Master of Ceremonies.  While it appears on the surface as a grand international gesture that’ll draw tons of people from Canada, I have him contracted to sign autographs, let Canadians touch the Stanley Cup with their bare hands and give a hockey demo on the Ohio River at precisely the same time as my race.  Canadian Masters will be forced to choose between an everyday occurrence of beating me at a bike race or a once in a lifetime chance to take the ice with a childhood legend. 

Step 5: Defer to Facebook Fans of the Blog

Readers like Steven have suggested on Facebook to simply have Sven Nys step in as my body double.  Click here to see what other readers have suggested or leave your own diabolical plan to help in my pathetic quest of total cyclocross Worlds domination.

A Handout on #Cyclocross Hand-ups

No sorry.  I'm vegetarian.

The one-upmanship is worrisome with two UCI level events on the horizon, (The Cincinnati UCI3 and the USGP in Louisville.)  A disturbing trend is emerging on the cyclocross circuit as evident in this weekend’s OVCX Storm the Greens race in Louisville.  Every week riders are being forced to make harder and harder choices.  A few weekends ago at a muddy race in Indiana it started with the traditional dollar bill hand up, which turned into an internet video sensation (see below).  A week or so later, the unimaginable happened.  With the threat of their skinny jeans being revoked, I actually saw hipsters break their 11^th commandment and give away cans of PBR at the John Bryan Classic in Yellow Springs, OH.  Yesterday, fine salted cure meats became the hand-up of choice, ala Dino's Gorilla Grill’s Famous Bacon.  What’s next?  Suddenly a Smart Car hand-up doesn’t sound so ridiculous.

PBR on a Platter

I fear the worst is yet to come.  Friday’s UCI race at Devou Park outside of downtown Cincinnati marks the first of 5 UCI events in the Ohio River Region.  The stakes are higher, and no doubt one crispy piece of bacon, one delicately placed dollar, or an ice cold can of Milwaukee’s favorite will not offer enough reward to risk a pro career.  In a local race, a rider may risk getting tripped up with a one handed bike carry on the barriers to snag a dollar.  I snagged some Mardi Gras beads and a dollar yesterday on Rachel’s drop.  Of course I was far out of the top 20 payout.  However, at a high level event, what will it take?  Let’s go to the crooked chart of Hand-Up Incentive versus Risk:

Incentive                 PBR    Bacon   $1          $5          $10

Risk

None                        Yes     Yes       Yes        Oh Yes  F Yeah!

Losing to Rival          No      Maybe  Yes        Uh huh   For Shiz

Last Payout Spot      No      No        Toughie  Yes        Heck Yeah

Age Podium              No     No         Hmm     Oh Boy  Lunch money!

Overall Podium         No     No         No         No        Bar Tape!

UCI Points               No     No         No         No        Sorry, no.

My Best CX Season p/b Pearl Izumi

Hence, my fear.  What kind of hand up will it take to get someone contesting a deep UCI payout to grab the prize?  The taste, novelty and value of hand-ups must increase for top level events.  There is obviously no food tastier than bacon.  Or is there?  A cupcake perhaps.  You may as well leave your dollars in your pocket and instead offer up that Visa or Best Buy gift card.  Even then you’d have to get creative and make that gift card a lovely garnish on a piece of cheese cake, maybe offer a vegan option for Molly Cameron. 

Prerequisites for good hand ups:

Lightweight. Item should not impede the rider past the point of inception.

Grabability.  Items must initially fit into one hand.

Stowability.  Item must be easily stashed under shorts, around the neck, between the boobs, or ingested.

Placement.  Item must be small enough to be placed as not to affect race outcome or impede others.

Beads and a Buck for a Brotha!

Items not recommended:  bowling balls, puppies, hot coffee, oatmeal, spaghetti, a dozen long stem roses, frozen turkeys, coffee table books, toasters or other small appliances, and children over 20lbs.

That leaves us with high value gift cards for I-Tunes and Best Buy, six packs of microbrew, Groupons to the Gap, brand name backpacks (a nice Dakine perhaps), CDs/DVDs, easily pawnable gold rings, I Phone 3’s, Pearl Izumi arm warmers, shots of top shelf liquor, gourmet meats such as prosciutto, delicacies like finger caprese salad, designer jeans, boutique chocolates, Marriot rewards points, and ultimately plane tickets to Belgium.