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WIKI LEEKI: 2011 Tour De France Route Map Leaked

(Nose Hit News Service/Paris, France)  Just hours before Tour De France organizers planned release of de 2011 race route, Le Wiki Leeki (a French organization that is not on strike) allegedly unveiled portions of the route and uncorked the champagne themselves.  French authorities are redundantly calling it a faux hoax.  Included in the leak were details of new starting cities, a time trial in the Basque town of Testostero'ne, and a full map pictured below.

Stages 1 & 2

Stage 1, according to Le Wiki Leeki, takes place after the traditional prologue in Paris and follows the traditional flat start to the tour taking riders 135 miles from Clenbuterol, originally settled by Russian immigrants and finishes in Cera, known for its potent blood red wine.  Stage 2, the group contends, continues through the northern part of the country with an undulating 120 mile circumnavigation of the wine producing country between Vino and Landis'eille. 

Stages 6 & 7 

The first week of the tour ends with a bumpy ride, according to the Leeki, as the road tilts up for the first time.  Of particular interest is stage 7, which Wiki says will depart in Aach-Gee-Aach and finish 145 miles and three Category 2 climbs later in the Belgian town of Balco.

Stages 9-11 

These three stages take riders from through the heart of the Pyrenees Mountains in the middle of the 2^nd week says Leeki.  While stage 9 from E'peeo to Cortisone features 3 HORS rated climbs, stage 10 ending in the ski resort town of Puerto is certain to be a pivotal stage Le Wiki reports,  since it will be followed by a stage 11 time trial from Homologous to Mayo, where mayonnaise was invented.

Full 2011 Tour Route Map

Bike On The Moon But First, Antarctica

(Houston, TX - 04.01.09) The hatch of a former Apollo space capsule slammed shut this morning behind a pair of French ultra endurance cyclists who will spend three months of isolated training to simulate conditions for an upcoming attempt to circumnavigate Antarctica on a tandem mountain bike, funded by Fulzaprilidev, a private Russian space travel company.  The two must now live in the cramped refrigerated facility until the experiment ends 104 days later, allowing coaches and scientists to assess the effects of isolation and cold on their minds and bodies.  If successful the duo will proceed with their plans for Antarctica and may one day ride on the moon.

 

"How do I feel?  I am very motivated. There is a kind of relief. We have been working for a long time and finally we are getting to the start point," French Captain Avril Tompe Le Jour told reporters just hours ahead of the experiment.  "The challenge is to live and ride with the same person for a long period but it is a positive challenge. I think we are going to learn a lot about each other," added his Stoker teammate Très Drôle.  "The aim is to test the physiological and psychological effects of cold and isolation.  And, like the moon and Antarctica, this capsule is without a bicycle shop," he added.

 

(pictured left: Avril Trompe Le Jour on an training ride in the French Alpes) The two climbed into the facility at Houston’s Space Institute of Biomedical Problems (SIBMP) at 12:01 am CST and the hatch was firmly closed behind them.  They will not emerge again for the next three months unless they decide to pull out of the experiment for health or personal reasons.  “Unfortunately, we will miss half of the Tour De France,” Le Jour joked.  The cyclists will be allowed to take small personal effects like books, laptops and DVDs into the facility but, aside what would fit in the packs affixed to their specialized tandem bicycle will otherwise be sealed away from the world.  They will be travelling nowhere, but the aim of the experiment is to imitate the need for full autonomy that the three month circumnavigation of Antarctica will entail. 

 

As with a real trip, the supplies for the expedition have been painstakingly worked out in advance and no additional goods will be allowed to enter the capsule once the experiment starts.  In a bid to precisely simulate possible scenarios of a tandem circumnavigation around Antarctica, communications with the outside world will be limited to the battery life of a satellite phone.  They will be limited to two sets of cycling clothes each.  The workouts have been personally designed for the athletes to allow them to almost exactly simulate the rigors of riding on the ice for hours at a time. The former craft has been transformed and is made of three modules: one tent-size for sleeping, one refrigerated room that houses the knobby treaded tandem on rollers with a computer to track mileage and measure vital athlete biomedical information, and a third, just big enough to store the tools, food and supplies that would normally fit into panniers and highly modified carbon fiber trailer. 

 

The experiment is a joint project between a Fulzaprilidev, the SIBMP and the Ultra Endurance Cycling League (UECL) and will eventually lay the path for an as yet unplanned privately funded lunar attempt.  The three organizations are planning at the end of the year to send two more cyclists into the isolation facility for 205 days -- the estimated duration of a tandem bicycle trip around the southern pole of the moon. 

 

The two were chosen from a pool of over 4109 elite cyclists including American Triathlete April Foolsday.  

Groundhog Sees Shadow Now “Must Die!”

(Not Reel News: 2-2-09 Goobers Knob, KY)

“I haven’t rode my freaking bike outside since November and this stinking Groundhog must die,” exclaimed an irate cyclist with pent up frustration from the unusually cold and snowy Midwest winter. Immediately after the groundhog, appropriately named Sucksalottie Bill saw his shadow, signaling six more weeks of indoor cycling, the maniacal caped handlebar-moustache wearing Grand Poobah of Midwest Cyclists ritually raised the sacrificial hog over the heads of the 13 thousand cyclists gathered on Goobers Knob in Northern Kentucky and flung the cute and fuzzy poor defenseless creature into a burning pyre of old inner tubes, carbon fiber bike frames and tires. The crowd with their heads hung low then dispersed, reluctantly returning to the tobacco barn for another six weeks on the trainer.

This story is completely fictional. Duh. No cute and fuzzy ground hogs were flung into a pyre. But, cyclists are frustrated over the weather.

Goodbye Spin Class, Hello Real Bike Rider...the latest in indoor cycling training

For as low as $19.95 per month (not including optional cranks, chain and flywheel) you can get the latest in winter cycling indoor core training technology. Presenting, “The Real Bike Rider,” as unseen on TV, or You Tube for that matter. That’s right! Improve your balance, core strength, criterium and mountain bike handling skills and train for the vertigo of cycling’s most challenging descents in the off season all in the privacy of your own home and at half the cost of a Real Ryder spin bike that's being shamelessly marketed to cyclists everywhere. It’s part spin bike, part abdominizer, part cute little horsey. The amazing Real Bike Rider bolts easily to your workout room floor with a hammer drill and four six inch galvanized steel bolts with lock washers. Get a portable base and use it in the living room or in the break room over lunch at work. Perfect and safe for all ages. Although, a helmet is highly recommended.

Use it outside. Its wrought iron construction is completely impervious to the elements and guaranteed to last through a nuclear winter. Execute turns, uphills and downhills just like you were riding an actual Real Ryder spin bike for a fraction of the cost all while remaining warm and indoors. Use it in front of the TV and make believe you’re in the pro peloton as you swing out wide and launch a blistering attack on your adversaries.

Act now and we wont even give you your very own Sham Wow and Snuggie! You following me camera guy? As seen on TV, the Sham Wow chamois soaks up something like 40 times its weight in sweat and the Snuggie will keep you warm and comfy in the basement. So now you can grunt it out for hours without worrying about damaging your fine hardwood floors with sweat or getting the post-ride chills.

But wait! There’s more! How ‘bout we throw in the optional cranks, chain, flywheel and a set of ergonomic handlebar grips for free? An unbelieveable value. Still not satisfied? Well act now and we’ll double your order for free. That’s right; you’ll get two Real Bike Riders for the price of one. Now, you can ride side by side with your spouse, teammates and friends all for the low low price of just $19.95 per month till you realize what a buffoon you’d be if you actually trained on one of these. Here’s how to order. Call 800-555-Ride. That’s 800-555-r-i-d-e. Once again, 800-555-ride. Some assembly and tools required. Offer not available in Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico or anywhere for that matter. The Real Bike Rider is not really for sale. Any resemblance to an actual exercise related product like the one on the video link here is purely coincidental. Restrictions apply. See comments of previous blog article for details.