Cycling God Totem: De Vlaeminck Drops

In a previous post, Fabian Cancellara was moved down the The Best Bike Blog EVER's Cycling God Totem for post Flanders and Paris-Roubaix douchyness.  He is still not forgiven.  Like I said before, "...I don't care if my cycling gods win.  I prefer them to be heroic with a hint of humility."  Like Kramer said on Seinfeld once, "Poise Counts!"  Today, Roger De Vlaeminck moved a couple notches down the Cycling God Totem for comments he made about the rest of the peloton after Boonen's win at Paris Roubaix.  With that win, Boonen moved up.

Sure, Boonen was the man on Holy Sunday, deserving of the spot between Cancellera and Lance.  But to have De Vlaeminck label Boonen's competition at Paris-Roubaix as 3rd rate riders drips with douchyness.  Let's take note of the so called "3rd Rate" riders finishing behind Boonen: Thor Hushovd, George Hincapie, Flecha, Stuart O'Grady....while not competition for the win, even the 3rd rate Andre Greipel managed to get the bell on the velodrome with a group only 13 minutes down.  Of the 86 finishers, there's a lot of hard men on the list.

While Boonen has had his own personal problems (sniff) and as of yet has not posted wins at San Remo and the Giro Di Lombardia (which apparently is a measuring stick for De Vlaeminck,) we disagree with Roger and move Boonen ahead of De Vlaeminck on the Cycling God Totem.  Keep it up De Vlaeminck, the next totem notch is underground.  


Totem order: Eddy, Marco, Hinault, Lance, Boonen, Cancellara, De Vlaeminck.

Douchyness Drops Cancellara On Cycling God Totem

Pre-2011 Roubaix Cycling God Totem

After holding the 3rd spot on the podium of my Cycling God Totem Pole for years behind Marco and Top-God Eddy, Fabian Cancellera fell to 5^th position.  He’s now behind Hinault and Lance, not because of his self proclaimed losses at Paris Roubaix and Flanders but, because he grew a dick nose after Flanders and it got bigger after Roubaix. 

Douchexhibit 1: The post Flanders doucheness I read in Cycling News: “Congratulations to Nuyens, but for me [winning] like that has no value.”

Wha-huh?  Did my cycling god just kick me in the nuts?  It certainly feels that way.  Winning like that has no value?  Did Nuyens cut the course, use a motor or grab onto the team car a little too long while getting a can of Coke?

I prefer my cycling gods to look inward in the face of defeat and not spoil someone else's moment with a tirade of excuses like an amateur.  If only I wore sunscreen.  I was boxed in.  They all raced against me.  I expect that from a newbie, but Cancellara stealing the steam out of Nuyens win was as out-of-line as Kanye West taking the microphone from Taylor Swift.  I personally know hundreds of cyclists that would love to win like the way Nuyens won Flanders.  Most of them would love to win a pair of Ace of Spade socks in a Cat 5 race in Nowheresburg, OH like that.  I’ll never forget the day I finished 18^th in a UCI Cyclocross race, 8 long minutes behind Jeremy Powers.  Despite the thumping, I felt honored to even compete on that level, to even be on the same starting grid.  That comment shows no respect for the sport, the competitors and the millions of fat Cat 3 guys like me who’d have to go to the hospital for the loss in blood pressure caused by the giant wood they’d be sporting just to roll one wheel over a meter of Belgian cobblestone. 

Pre-douchness 2010 Tour of Cali

Douchexhibit 2: Yesterday after Roubaix: Everybody raced against me. The victory was not possible. This second place is like the victory to me. Today, I lost, but the others lost a bit more than me.

Douche say what?  "I" lost?  Victory not possible?  Others lost a bit more than me?  Seems to me that Garmin won and Thor didn’t lose.  They're probably still on the bus shouting “woo hoo” in 8 different languages including Norwegian.  Last time I checked 6^th, 8^th, 9^th and being only: 47 back at Roubaix is a pretty great accomplishment.  Just ask Hincapie.  Here’s the list of the top 10 from Velonews.  Tell me, who lost Roubaix?

·      

  1   1. Johan Van Summeren (B), Garmin-Cervélo, 6:0:7:28

·         2. Fabian Cancellara (Swi), Leopard-Trek, at 0:19

·         3. Maarten Tjallingii (Nl), Rabobank Cycling Team, at 0:19

·         4. Grégory Rast (Swi), Team Radioshack, at 0:19

·         5. Lars Ytting Bak (Den), HTC-Highroad, at 0:21

·         6. Alessandro Ballan (I), BMC Racing Team, at 0:36

·         7. Bernhard Eisel (A), HTC-Highroad, at 0:47

·         8. Thor Hushovd (Nor), Garmin-Cervélo, at 0:47

·         9. Juan Antonio Flecha Giannoni (Sp), Team Sky, at 0:47

·         10. Mathew Hayman (Aus), Team Sky, at 0:47

Cancellara Demoted to 5th on God Totem

Leopard didn’t have a man in the break and failed to reel in a giant well represented breakaway that had 2+ minutes on the peloton going into the Arenberg.  Maybe it’s just me, but I’m pretty certain there were some Leopard teammates in the race.  Come to think of it, I didn’t see any.  Did you?  After looking at the results, it appears eight Leopard-Trek riders started the race.  Fabian finished 2^nd.  The next best placed teammate Martin Mortensen finished 13:53 back in 94^th.  The six others, including semi-favorites O’Grady and Weylandt are listed as DNF.  Maybe that’s why victory for Douchelara wasn’t possible and he felt as if everybody was racing against him.  They were.  He was the only Leopard-Trek guy left. 

Personally I loved watching both Flanders and Roubaix.  I dug my nails into the couch.  I covered my eyes.  I shouted “get on his wheel and go-go-go!”  Even though I had to revise my totem, it’s nice to be reminded that cycling is still a team sport and there are no favorites at Roubaix.  Lastly I don't care if my cycling gods win.  I prefer them to be heroic with a hint of humility.

Top 10 April 1st Cycling Headlines

Hipsters Beware

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Cobble Gripping Suction Cup Tires To Debut at Tour of Flanders

Pure CO2 Inflation

Topeak Unveils New CO2 Tire Pump: “You Blow”

Mr. Katie Compton Changing Name to Mark Fucking Legg Compton

Border Patrol Agents Seize 47 Pounds of Weed In Frame of Downhill Mountain Bike

Tire Scab: Stan’s Revolutionary Bio-Tubeless System Uses Animal Cells To Self Heal Punctures

Model of Cobble Sector 14

Worried About Hip Fracture Hincapie Training For Paris Roubaix on Nerf Cobblestones

Weight Weenie In Hospital After Failed Test of Nylon Helmet Stuffed With Packing Peanuts

In The Tour De France Mind Of Columbia HTC's Bradley Wiggins

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It's No Secret I Love The Cobbles - Cincinnati Cobblestone Streets

Sectors 14 and 15 could be right out your door in your hometown. While we all romanticize about the pave of the Paris-Roubaix race this Easter Sunday, the cobblestones pictured left are not part of any of the race's sectors.  They are on Cincinnati’s Riverfront.  They may look new, but in fact they are historic and harsh to ride on.  I rumble over them every now and then.  However,  I don't have to go as far as downtown to ride cobblestones.  You probably don't either.  Just a few blocks from my house is a parking lot for the Precinct Restaurant that used to be, judging from the old tracks imbedded in the blacktop, some sort of train or trolley stop.  The murals have faded on the trestle walls, but if you look closely at the concrete buttress.  You’ll see images of a trolley car and a historic Ohio River scene.  Below your feet, big long hand cut weather rounded cobbles.  Sure Paris-Roubaix has France, baguettes, the best bike riders and sometimes mud; but cobbles, cobbles are everywhere.  There's history and tradition in your own town if you veer off your normal route, drag your brakes and look around on your next ride.

Last night I did my typical recovery ride, but this time I took a few cobblestone detours through downtown Cincinnati Ohio and across the bridge to Newport and Covington in Kentucky.  The sector pictured above is in Covington.  I owe it to my buddy Tony for showing me the stretches of pave in Covington.  Whenever we ride through one he says in a forced thick Tomeke Boonen-esque accent, “Is no secret I lahv da cah-bulls.”  I’m certain he would say this if he were riding alone too. 

This sector is one of my favorites.  It’s a beautiful little hill leading from the Riverside Drive park up to 3rd street in the historic district of Covington east of the Roebling Suspension bridge.  I looked for a street sign, but there was none.  It may be an alley.  Like the photo shows, they go for a few blocks and it’s a climb no less.  Coming down, if you dare to lift your eyes away from the rumbling pave, you get a beautiful view of downtown Cincinnati with the Ohio River as a door mat.  For cyclists however, the more romantic view is upwards of cobbles pinched between historic homes with flowering window boxes and wrought iron fences.

Shooter McContador

Maybe it's just me, but I think someone needs to drop a DVD of Happy Gilmore to Alberto and Team Astana at the Paris-Nice bus and maybe he'll get the hint that the finger-gun is sort of, how do you say in spanish, jugado?