Alberto Contador May Sign With Team Alberto Contador p/b Alberto

(Nose Hit News Service: Spain) In a move we all saw coming, amidst the swirling rumors of stalled contract talks with Astana, Alberto Contador will reportedly sign with a new team for the 2011 cycling season; Team Alberto Contador presented by Alberto.  This new UCI Pro tour team managed by Alberto Contador, is slated to sign other top named riders, namely Alberto Contador, Alberto Contador, Alberto Contador and of course Alberto Contador.  “I just got fed up with all the controversy over people saying I’m not a team player.  So, I go on my own.  Who needs teammates when you end up attacking them anyway,” questioned the team owner.  “It’s a win-win!,” the team manager exclaimed in broken English, “we only need two maybe four bicycle, someone to hand Alberto musette bag at feed zone and that’s uh about it.  Alberto’s brother will book the hotels, give massage and drive team car.  All Alberto left to do is fire the pistol and slip on the yellow jersey.”  He has a point.

Although details remain sketchy, rumored sponsors are Alberto VO5 as primary sponsor and Alberto’s Cookies, fancy schmancy Alberto Guardiani designer shoes and famed Salsa musician Jose Alberto.  “It’s all about Alberto,” Alberto raved, “and I enjoy good shoes, good cookies, good music and my fantastic looking jet black Spanish hair.”  Asked if Astana decided to drop him because of his brown tooth that he has yet to get whitened or capped despite earning over two million Euros with his previous Tour De France wins, Contador denied comment.  

Missed Yellow By A Metric Second: Tour De France Stage 4 Results

Click here for VeloNews story.

Amstrong Gets Carbon Collarbone

(Nose Hit News Service 25 March 2009)  Call it bionic.  In a five and a half hour surgery March 25^th, seven time Tour Champion Lance Amstrong received what experts believe is the first carbon fiber collar bone replacement from Technosteo Inc.  Lighty patting Lance’s new shoulder at Amstrong’s Austin home, Astara Team Director, Johan Bruyneal hinted that this breakthrough should allow Lance to recover more quickly and possibly be competitive in the Giro. 

“Heat molded on-site according to specifications from an earlier MRI, Lance’s new collarbone will perform just like Lance’s old bone, but will be lighter, more impact resistant and have the vibration damping qualities of carbon fiber,” according to Dr. Van Nostrand, Chief of Surgery at the Costanza Institute for Sports Medicine in Houston.  Previously the carbon fiber bone replacement had only been performed on hip replacements.  “Carbon is the building block of life.  The possibilities of carbon fiber are endless,” said Doctor Van Nostrand.  He added, “The human body is less likely to reject something made from carbon as opposed to alloys.  In addition it can be more precisely tuned to better mimic the functionality of human bone.”  According to Technosteo Inc.’s website, the manufacturer of the high tech carbon fiber bone replacement, Lance’s new carbon collarbone weigh’s a scant 121 grams, roughly the same as a Ritchey WCS stem.  A typical human male collarbone weighs 256 grams.

Early April Fools.  Typos intended.  This is a fake news story.  Get well soon Lance!  

Shooter McContador

Maybe it's just me, but I think someone needs to drop a DVD of Happy Gilmore to Alberto and Team Astana at the Paris-Nice bus and maybe he'll get the hint that the finger-gun is sort of, how do you say in spanish, jugado?