Amstrong Gets Carbon Collarbone

(Nose Hit News Service 25 March 2009)  Call it bionic.  In a five and a half hour surgery March 25^th, seven time Tour Champion Lance Amstrong received what experts believe is the first carbon fiber collar bone replacement from Technosteo Inc.  Lighty patting Lance’s new shoulder at Amstrong’s Austin home, Astara Team Director, Johan Bruyneal hinted that this breakthrough should allow Lance to recover more quickly and possibly be competitive in the Giro. 

“Heat molded on-site according to specifications from an earlier MRI, Lance’s new collarbone will perform just like Lance’s old bone, but will be lighter, more impact resistant and have the vibration damping qualities of carbon fiber,” according to Dr. Van Nostrand, Chief of Surgery at the Costanza Institute for Sports Medicine in Houston.  Previously the carbon fiber bone replacement had only been performed on hip replacements.  “Carbon is the building block of life.  The possibilities of carbon fiber are endless,” said Doctor Van Nostrand.  He added, “The human body is less likely to reject something made from carbon as opposed to alloys.  In addition it can be more precisely tuned to better mimic the functionality of human bone.”  According to Technosteo Inc.’s website, the manufacturer of the high tech carbon fiber bone replacement, Lance’s new carbon collarbone weigh’s a scant 121 grams, roughly the same as a Ritchey WCS stem.  A typical human male collarbone weighs 256 grams.

Early April Fools.  Typos intended.  This is a fake news story.  Get well soon Lance!  

Lance & Lauer, O'Grady & Farrar Welcome To The Freak Shoulder Fraternity - PT Discount ID Cards Below

It’s a memory I repress.  I can’t quite remember when I got indoctrinated to the Freak Shoulder Fraternity.  I’m thinking in ’06, nearly three years to this day in fact.  That’s the photo of my freak shoulder there.  The photo was taken yesterday.  Still ugly, I know.  The diagnosis, a 3^rd or 4^th degree separation.  Surgery would’ve been for cosmetic reasons only.  So now I walk around with one arm slightly longer than the other.  No biggie.  Lance and Matt (Tyler Farrar and Stuart O'Grady too) should know it still works okay, but smarts now and then.  Although the chick appeal is gone.  My wife now gets a heebie jeebie shiver when she runs her hands across my shoulders and hits the freak bump.  It happened while pre-riding the Ohio Valley Spring Road Race Series course at Hueston Woods.  My left foot pulled out of my cheapo Ritchey pedal.  Knee hit handlebars.  Bars crossed up.  I drilled myself into the pave’ at probably close to 30mph.  It had to be the most painful injury ever.  I back that up with a torn ACL, a broken wrist, a meniscus tear and a childhood gash to the forearm from a metal file. 

Yesterday we heard the news of Lance Armstrong breaking his collarbone in Spain and TV's Matt Lauer injuring his shoulder doing a dodge the deer dive.  Today Lance and Lauer, O'Grady and Farrar, we welcome you with our open freak arms to The Freak Shoulder Fraternity.  Enjoy the Percocet while it lasts.  Print, clip and use your ID card (below) for great discounts at physical therapy clinics across the world.  We’ll see you in six to eight weeks.

 If you’re a member of the Freak Shoulder Club and would like to share your freakiness with the world and get your very own nifty ID card, email freaky photo proof here and we'll add you to the honor roll.