#Cincy3CX Hangover

Trombone Maddie Cheers Katie, Kaitlin & Georgia

I’d love to dazzle you with insightful commentary about this weekend’s Cincy3 Cyclocross Festival, but like last year, after writing the race stories for the media, I’m all typed-out.  While thankful to see my name in the Velonews Byline with accurate and colorful articles, the weekend was so ADD inducing, in retrospect, I can barely keep my thought in one direction.  So here’s some odds n ends:

UCI Officials are intimidating, like prison guards.  I felt like a sheepish grade school student asking the teacher a dumb question when I approached an official to confirm UCI C1 points went 15 deep.

The Farrell Family Crest

I forgot that I registered for Friday’s race at Devou.  That’s the pit falls of registering for events three months in advance.  I discovered the receipt for the race on Saturday while going through material to write up the race reports.

I thought Team Hungry was the creative team with their own team flag until I saw the Rogue Racing team made personal signs to cheer each of their individual teammates. (photo left)

Maddie carried a sign and a trombone, she’s like 10.  (photo above)

In my radio career, I’ve interviewed Garth Brooks, talked to Army Generals, and met big politicians.  I’ve never been star struck until I get in front of a pro cyclist.  Seriously, I could strike up a conversation with any total stranger at any supermarket in Anytown USA, but put me in front of Jeremy Powers, probably one of the most approachable pros on the circuit, and the nerd in me rises to the top.

Me and Jpow Take 2

I just remembered, Tony Frankin, the drummer Sunday at Harbin Park was wearing a Motorhead pullover while a CXer rapped over the beat.  He wasn't half bad.  The crowd erupted in cheers.

Arguing with officials at the start about your call up is like trying to talk yourself out of a ticket.  Might as well flash your man boobs.  Besides, when you kick and scream at the start line, you’re essentially telling your competition that you’re starting in the back and inviting them to draw first blood.

My Best CX Season p/b Pearl Izumi

Middletown, the home of classically restored Cutlass Supremes with DUI plates.

The fallen leaves at Sunset Park in Middletown were bigger than Paul Bunyan pancakes, man hole covers, floormats and hubcaps.

I still don’t know why I bother bringing an impeccably clean bike to cyclocross races, only to completely destroy it on one warm-up lap.

Katie Compton with Meredith Miller Pre-Race Day 1

Half finger gloves are perfect for tweeting during a cross race.

I love driving my Toyota 4-Runner over curbs while parking at races.

I also love to see my wife at the end of a race.  Thanks honey.

Some of your observations from The Best Bike Blog Ever's Facebook Page:

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  Jason (An overheard quote from Shawn Adams after 3 laps of racing at Devou on Friday, "When Trebon stomps on the pedals it just crushes your soul" 
  
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  Cooper (Announcer John at Harbin) "There is a hill at the back where you had better make sure your health insurance is paid up on before you hit it."
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  Lindsay William trying to look "as American as possible", which somehow included pulling his shorts up like Steve Urkel and shouting "U-S-A, U-S-A!" when Caroline Mani came by with about a lap and a half to go. This somehow precipitated an attack by Meredith Miller, which resulted in her taking second place.
• (An overheard quote) "I think he had a bio-mechanical" (and of course) "The $100 pissing fine and the DQ shocker of the year."

Fill-in-Memo: Asking Off For Friday CX Race

To: (Boss’ name) a.k.a. Worlds Most Greatest Boss in the World

Fr: (Your Name/Title)/CX3 Bike Racer

Re: Mental Health Day Friday 11/4

11/2/11

If you don’t count the half day I had to take after the group got food poisoning from (local hole in the wall restaurant your fat co-workers love), I have not been sick since I started working here at (company).  In fact due to my high level of fitness and health achieved by being a Category (CX license category) Elite Cyclocross Racer, I have not been sick since 19 (double digit year.) 

As you can verify on (HR Website), I have accrued (use actual number) sick hours which if used successively would allow me to retire this coming (day of week).  However, due to my undying dedication to (name of company) and love of (type of work you do), I very much want to continue creating (product of company) for as long as I can.  And, unlike (name of coworker that you’re certain abuses sick time), I won’t use my sick days whenever my cat coughs up a fur ball and instead use them if and only if there should ever come a day when I’m actually sick. 

Thanks to cycling, my fitness and health has allowed me to have a relatively perfect attendance record outside vacation and holidays.  While others less healthy than I have fallen to colds and that weird (make up disease name) that (name of co-worker) got, I have been your trusty side kick, able-bodied and minded to pick up the slack through thick and thin.  In addition, my dedication to bike racing has given me a sharpened focus to stay strong in the face of increased competition from (name of big competitor) and, like climbing the step of the awards podium, helped to increase our (insert your companies unrealistic goal here: such as sales, share, profit) incrementally.

I understand its last minute, but due to my work on (a big project) this is my first opportunity to take time from my (type of work you do) work and ask you for permission to take what I’d like to call “mental health day” to participate in a professional international bike race on Friday.  I have already consulted with (co-workers you can actually depend on to pick up your slack) and they said they can cover for me in my absence.  I have also worked ahead and completed (task that would’ve been due Friday or Monday) and delegated (another task) to (trustworthy co-worker.)  Let me know if this okay and I’ll put in the proper paperwork with (name of HR person.)

Best Regards,

(Signature)

PS...I strongly encourage you to "like" The Best Bike Blog EVER on Facebook here.

A Handout on #Cyclocross Hand-ups

No sorry.  I'm vegetarian.

The one-upmanship is worrisome with two UCI level events on the horizon, (The Cincinnati UCI3 and the USGP in Louisville.)  A disturbing trend is emerging on the cyclocross circuit as evident in this weekend’s OVCX Storm the Greens race in Louisville.  Every week riders are being forced to make harder and harder choices.  A few weekends ago at a muddy race in Indiana it started with the traditional dollar bill hand up, which turned into an internet video sensation (see below).  A week or so later, the unimaginable happened.  With the threat of their skinny jeans being revoked, I actually saw hipsters break their 11^th commandment and give away cans of PBR at the John Bryan Classic in Yellow Springs, OH.  Yesterday, fine salted cure meats became the hand-up of choice, ala Dino's Gorilla Grill’s Famous Bacon.  What’s next?  Suddenly a Smart Car hand-up doesn’t sound so ridiculous.

PBR on a Platter

I fear the worst is yet to come.  Friday’s UCI race at Devou Park outside of downtown Cincinnati marks the first of 5 UCI events in the Ohio River Region.  The stakes are higher, and no doubt one crispy piece of bacon, one delicately placed dollar, or an ice cold can of Milwaukee’s favorite will not offer enough reward to risk a pro career.  In a local race, a rider may risk getting tripped up with a one handed bike carry on the barriers to snag a dollar.  I snagged some Mardi Gras beads and a dollar yesterday on Rachel’s drop.  Of course I was far out of the top 20 payout.  However, at a high level event, what will it take?  Let’s go to the crooked chart of Hand-Up Incentive versus Risk:

Incentive                 PBR    Bacon   $1          $5          $10

Risk

None                        Yes     Yes       Yes        Oh Yes  F Yeah!

Losing to Rival          No      Maybe  Yes        Uh huh   For Shiz

Last Payout Spot      No      No        Toughie  Yes        Heck Yeah

Age Podium              No     No         Hmm     Oh Boy  Lunch money!

Overall Podium         No     No         No         No        Bar Tape!

UCI Points               No     No         No         No        Sorry, no.

My Best CX Season p/b Pearl Izumi

Hence, my fear.  What kind of hand up will it take to get someone contesting a deep UCI payout to grab the prize?  The taste, novelty and value of hand-ups must increase for top level events.  There is obviously no food tastier than bacon.  Or is there?  A cupcake perhaps.  You may as well leave your dollars in your pocket and instead offer up that Visa or Best Buy gift card.  Even then you’d have to get creative and make that gift card a lovely garnish on a piece of cheese cake, maybe offer a vegan option for Molly Cameron. 

Prerequisites for good hand ups:

Lightweight. Item should not impede the rider past the point of inception.

Grabability.  Items must initially fit into one hand.

Stowability.  Item must be easily stashed under shorts, around the neck, between the boobs, or ingested.

Placement.  Item must be small enough to be placed as not to affect race outcome or impede others.

Beads and a Buck for a Brotha!

Items not recommended:  bowling balls, puppies, hot coffee, oatmeal, spaghetti, a dozen long stem roses, frozen turkeys, coffee table books, toasters or other small appliances, and children over 20lbs.

That leaves us with high value gift cards for I-Tunes and Best Buy, six packs of microbrew, Groupons to the Gap, brand name backpacks (a nice Dakine perhaps), CDs/DVDs, easily pawnable gold rings, I Phone 3’s, Pearl Izumi arm warmers, shots of top shelf liquor, gourmet meats such as prosciutto, delicacies like finger caprese salad, designer jeans, boutique chocolates, Marriot rewards points, and ultimately plane tickets to Belgium.

Sunday Schooled: The Stations of Cross

How’d your race go?  Well I got forced off my line and into the deep mud and lost two spots.  Pow!  I can only train an hour a day and that’s what happens.  Ka-pew!  I got my foot tangled in course tape.  (Gesturing tying a noose around my neck.)  I biffed it in the sand.  (Make believe slitting wrists.)  I was wheezing like a donkey in the dust.  Asking, “How’d your race go” is like stealing Medusa’s hat and letting the negative snakes loose. 

My Best CX Season p/b Pearl Izumi

Still, those are some of the answers I’ve heard the past few weeks of racing cyclocross.  Surprisingly, many of them came from riders finishing in the top 5 or 10 in their fields, riders finishing better than 35 or 40 competitors.  Maybe it’s a humble Midwest thing.  Nobody wants to sound like they’re bragging by pointing out the great things they did in their race.  Yet these excuses are presented as if the rider were the victim of some unforeseen uncontrollable event or something impossible to overcome.  They are not. 

Gatch Front Row 2nd From Right Seconds from Doom!

Saturday at the Ohio State Cyclocross Championships I witnessed the Cyclocross Stations of the Cross.  For those who skipped Sunday School more than I, it’s the series of events leading up to the Crucifixion.  Without breaking out my notes, Jesus fell a few times along the way, died, was resurrected and is now seated at the right hand of God…aka the holy podium. 

Chasing Gatch...Again.

Saturday at the Masters 45+ Ohio State Champion Race, John Gatch, without question one of the fastest 45+ riders in the state missed his pedal at the start.  Sweetness!  I heard the gears crunch down his cassette, looked under my elbow to see him struggling.  Some call it smelling blood.  I smelt it and dealt it.  I drilled it at donkey wheezing pace hoping to put a definitive podium contender behind me in the first 100 meters.  I nabbed the holeshot at the first corner.  Gatch gone.  Two corners later I was passed and grabbed the wheel of defending gold medalist and eventual winner Brent Evans, right where I wanted to be.  Riding 2^nd wheel to last years champ, I just had to hang on and wait for my best opportunity to pounce or be trounced.

Gapped by Gatch for Good

After a few off camber ups and downs, Gatch came raring back through the start-finish, passing me…only to wipe out 45 seconds later on a snotty left hander around a tree.  Blood!  I punched it again, nearly closing the gap to Brent in the process.  Gatch was gone for good and I focused on trying to stay as close as possible to Brent’s fading jersey.  Two straightaways later, Gatch was back like a swarm of locusts.  He came around for a third time before the next muddy section, only to bobble exiting the mud.  BLOOD.  I passed and drilled it for a third time.  It was like trying to kill a zombie.  He passed again on a tight left hander headed back toward the pit.  Apparently fueled by 5 minutes of pure adrenalin, he was on fire.  I couldn’t hold his wheel.  I never would gain contact with him again, yet he would drop his chain mid-race and still make the holy podium, finishing third.  That's determination.  That's taking every spot and overcoming the obstacles while everyone is kicking you when you're down.  

So what’s your excuse again?  

Zombie Boogers: My Cycling Comfort Foods

They’re the foods that fuel your ride or welcome you home after suffering in the saddle.  They’re your weird, bizarre, locked up in a closet personal favorites.  After getting soaked for the last hour of that Sunday hammerfest, you don’t want a sandwich to get the feeling back in your fingers.  You need Usinger's Braunschweiger on soft Italian bread with brown mustard, real butter and onions.  You don’t want a cookie in your bag after the cyclocross race; you want a molasses cookie from the box on the counter at your grandmother’s house.  It’s not the Campbell’s tomato soup, it’s the 15 saltine crackers crumbled over the top and so thick a little person could run across it.  Or, is it the crusted three square inch burn the roof of your mouth hot cherry pie in the corner of the Hungry Man TV dinner.  These are some foods that reward my ride.

I’m sure it’s what they use for zombie boogers at Haunted Houses, but I love to eat it.  It’s green, long, slimy, gushy and wet.  If you threw one against the wall it would smack, stick and slide down like a night crawler.  Still, since I was a kid when every vegetable was disgusting, it’s one of my all time favorite foods.  I’ll only eat the long spears, only from a can and it absolutely must be Green Giant asparagus spears.  I do like fresh asparagus, especially grilled with olive oil and salt and pepper.  Without preservatives, I’m sure it’s healthier, but that’s hoidy toidy to me.  They serve that with $30 steaks at Jeff Ruby.  Not to mention you have to cook it. I don’t need a bowl or a fork, only a can opener or my Leatherman multi-tool.  I thoroughly enjoy pulling them out of the can with my fingers, tilting my head back and dangling them into my mouth.  It’ll probably be my last meal when I’m 120 years old and a need to be fed by a nurse.  “Head back Mister Biker.  Eat your spears.”  Nom nom nom.

My wife calls them “Joe foods” and second on my list and in my lunchbox right now is Windmill cookies.  It confounds me how inexpensive yet so intricate they are.  I think the box of 12 I bought was under $3.  Maybe it’s because I’m a quarter Dutch, but my affinity for the Windmill cookie runs deep.  With each one, I marvel at the detail.  The almond slivers almost give the illusion of textured stone made from tulip field mud.  If you look closely at the photo there are 3 separate designs on the mill: a cross at the top, two (E) shapes left and right and a diamond in the center.  You can stick your tongue in the doorway, or let it be the axis of the windmill blades.  I’m not entirely sure there’s a specific brand I like or what brand these are, maybe there’s only one.  It’s not like chocolate chips with a million varieties.  At the grocery you’ll be lucky to spot them.  Almost glad they weren’t hanging out with the other lesser cookies; I found these in the health food section at Kroger.  As it turns out, these are completely vegan.

The all time greatest culinary creation is Candy Raisins.  How can you not love a candy with a smiling sun on the package?  They are not candied raisins, contain raisins or even taste like raisins.  The only thing they have in common with actual raisins is that they are wrinkly on the top.  They’re comparable in texture to the candy Dots.  They feel the same way in your mouth, but the flavor is unlike any candy you’ve ever tasted.  The website Save The Candy Raisins describes them as “a translucent, honey colored candy…with a light ginger taste.”  I grew up in Wisconsin, and from what I can gather they were only made by Stark, a division of the NECCO candy company.  As you can gather from the website, sadly, after shutting down a plant in Pewaukee Wisconsin, they are not being made anymore.  I have not had a candy raisin in at least three years.  If I saw them, even on Ebay, I swear to God I would spend at least $10 a bag to attain them.  I love them so much; I’d accept a box as my only Christmas present.    

Maybe it's crunchy peanut butter and dill pickle sandwiches you crave like our reader Lloyd, tell us your favorite weird foods.  Leave a comment below or "Like" us on Facebook here.