Smedium: New Clothes Sizes for Cyclists

I Propose A New Size

“Where’s your ass?” my wife asked.  “I know you have a butt, a nice butt, but I don’t see it.”  Apparently my caboose got derailed in these 33W X 33L jeans I’m wearing.  I think I pulled them off the hanger from the pre-vegan section of my closet.  Maybe I’ve slightly neglected my personal sex appeal over 14 years of marriage, but my wife deserves to see my fine cyclocross sculpted rear bumper.  Two days later, the golden e-mail hit her smartphone, “Tonight only, 40% off at Banana Republic.”  It was mutually decided, skip the easy Monday night at the gym for an hour or two doing dressing room gymnastics.  Oh boy, it got gymnastical.

With four plaid collared button down dress shirts, a baby blue merino wool sweater and a long-john-esque “waffled” long sleeve tee, Joe or Nick or Kevin or one of the Jonas Brothers working at Banana Republic showed me to my stall.  As far as the button downs, I’m upset to report I’m a size Smedium.  From the last time I bought nice shirts and today, I’ve probably lost 12-15 pounds.  Staring in the mirror with the medium, I could gather 5-6 inches of fabric around my middle.  Dammit, it took me months of intervals and hummus to earn this waist.  I want to show it off.  So with the hesitation of a former large, I slipped on the small. 

Hmm...not too poochy in the small.

I could sort of see the last uncyclocrossed remnants of my pooch showing.  I’m not 6-pack sculpted, more of a two-pack.  Like the woman in the dressing room next to me, I went back and forth between the two sizes: small, medium, small, medium.  “Welcome to my world,” I could hear my wife saying.  I spent so much time in that dressing room with so many items I wondered if the Jonas Brother was getting suspicious of shoplifting.  I opted for the small, yet still puzzled.  Why do pants come in so many different sizes stores practically need a card catalog to organize the shelves by size and style, yet shirts at Banana Republic have only four sizes for men, small through XL?  So there’s my case for Smedium (SM) and Mediarge (ML).

As for the jeans, I walked into the store saggin’ no ass pre-vegan 33 squares, 33W x 33L.  Going sub-33 was new territory for me, so I sent Jonas ahead, armed with 32’s, 31’s and even a pair of 30’s.  The 32’s were clown pants.  I hooked the waist with my thumbs.  I could probably shove 3 summer sausages down the front of them.  The butt looked like denim drapery.  So I got extreme.  Wiggling and shimmying, I had to get gymnastical to get the 30’s on.  Beyond surprised, they buttoned right up and fell flat on the hips.  However, the thighs were so tight they could double as muscle recovery wear.  It’s the cyclists curse. 

Those Quads Need A Belt

You ride your butt off, try to eat healthy and lose weight, but your newly acquired Andre’ Greipel in training quads and hammies get so big you need to opt for the larger size.  I walked out of the dressing room without pants, new pants, and this thought.  I propose adding three dimensional sizing to men's pants.  The “T” could mean thigh or tree-trunk, or for skinny people, tent pole.  Instead of 31W x 33L, for those with 20 inch hams like me, we’d have 30W x 33L x 21T.  One way or another, my wife deserves to oogle my ass.

#Thanksgiving: Getting The Bird on the Bike

Happy F'n Thanksgiving

The email from our VP read, “To help get you on your way for Thanksgiving, we’re closing the shop at 2pm on Wednesday.”  With a building full of the nerdy music weirdoes you made fun of in college, sometimes it’s hard to think of a radio station as a business, let alone a shop.  However, if you’re the creative weirdo making commercials for a 4-day Black Friday weekend on a three day work week at one of the most popular stations in town, yeah, it’s sort of like an assembly line.  Hit record, read copy, add holiday music, sprinkle with magic festive fairy dust…repeat.  The magic fairy dust is the hard part.  I was home, changed and on my bike by 3 o’clock.  My wife was out picking up “the bird.” 

In our vegan case, I’m not really sure what “the bird” is, but there are six drumsticks, …err…breasts, …hmm, …yummy looking lumpy brown things in our fridge.  They came with the Whole Foods vegan Thanksgiving dinner which also includes gravy, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green beaners and a whole apple pie.  Heat and serve.  This is our first Thanksgiving without a real turkey.  I’m not going to miss it.  I only wish Whole Foods gave us enough for leftovers.

Gardein...It's vegan for Turkey.

With temps in the 50’s and party sunny skies, I headed out to do some 30-on 30-off intervals on a hilly local route we call the Amsterdam loop.  I wasn’t about to waste a rare sunny workday afternoon in November banging out relentless intervals on a single hill.  I opted to get the work in on each of the 5 hills I’d hit on the two hour loop, recover and enjoy the descents into the Ohio River Valley.    

I was having a blast.  Traffic was light.  I knew anyone on the road was in a tizzy to get to grandma’s house, so I was being extra courteous.  I made a conscious decision not to ride up the gutter at stoplights and instead let all the cars go ahead when it changed.  I waved cars through intersections first, intent on keeping my good groove going.  On the third downhill I got my Thanksgiving bird.

A line of 4-5 cars were coming up as I was going down.  With a few twists on the blind hill, it was a double yellow.  Zip!  A black car darted out of line and hit the gas to pass headed right at me.  My fingers moved to the brakes, but seeing me, he slipped back in line just as quick.  What the hell was he thinking?  It’s a double yellow on a hill! As I passed, his bird caught my eye.  He mashed it up against the driver’s door window for the extra F-U effect.  I returned the gesture, shaking mine to match his fervor and added a smile.  Happy Thanksgiving mother effer.

So today, I give thanks for health, a wonderful wife who understands there's more time to ride if you order a pre-made dinner, blue skies, gardein and gravy, warm November afternoons and the douche bags that make it easy to write a cycling blog. 

A Test of the Emergency #Vegan System

Free for the Taking, an Izzy's Sandwich on Servatii's Roll

This is the vegan equivalent of finding a Brinks truck crashed on the side of the road with $100 bills scattered across the shoulder.  Do you take it and buy a Dura Ace equipped carbon wonder bike from Italy?  Or do you do the right thing, call 9-1-1 and be the hero?  This is a made-in-Cincinnati Izzy’s Reuben Sandwich.  In the world of salted cured meats, nothing trumps the corned beef and sauerkraut piled high, slathered in Million Island dressing and served on Cincinnati’s famous Servatii’s pretzel bread bun.  Simply pulling the meat off would be like "fixing" the smile on the Mona Lisa. 

Did You Say Catnip Tuna?

Maybe I haven’t been clear in my description.  This is two great tastes in one entity.  It’s like Cincinnati Skyline Chili topped with Montgomery Inn Ribs.  Mmmm.  An Izzy’s Reuben on a Servatii’s roll is to Cincinnati as Jerked Chicken on the side of the road served with a Red Stripe beer is to Jamaica.  It’s Saz’s Barbecue with a side of George Webb’s breakfast to a Milwaukeean.  Its Gino’s East pizza covered in Southside Polish sausage to Chicago.  It’s a Thurminator burger topped with a pair of Blue Jacket’s tickets to those in Columbus.  It’s Christmas’ candy cane covered gingerbread house.  Its catnip covered in tuna juice to Juneau… my cat, not the city.

The choice between that bag of money or this sandwich is a life changing decision.  Consultants and advisors from GE and P&G may need to be called in.  Since they’re no longer working on the Space Shuttle program, I may dial-up NASA's best mathematicians to pour over excel spreadsheets and sandwich trajectories to help me decide which would have a better impact on my life. 

Jackpot!

Sure you could take the bag of money and go out and buy an Izzy’s Reuben and have enough left over to quit your job and eat it while riding off the threat of clogged arteries on your new Trek Madone, but you’d be missing the point.  I did hill repeats last night.  I’m 4 pounds below my target race weight.  It’s 9:30am.  I just ate half an apple.  I have an appointment in 30 minutes and I am surrounded by hungry native Cincinnatians.  This is about instant gratification.  This is about taking the kill before the Hyenas get it.  This is a case of how much would it really hurt.  This sandwich is now or never.  Dammit they’re taking it into the work kitchen.  Noooooooo!

My Lunchbox

Right down the hall is a free Izzy’s Reuben Sandwich served on special edition Servatii’s pretzel bread.  In my 2010 Vancouver Olympic lunchbox is a bag of carrots, a tub of hommus, a box of raisins, a banana, a fruit strip, half a Honeycrisp apple, and leftover vegan Tikka Masala in a plastic Glad container.  This is a test of eating a plant based non-processed food diet.  This is a test of the Emergency Vegan System.  This is only a test.

Thankfully, I passed.

#Vegan: The Cheesepocalypse is Neigh!

Sign off I-94 North of Illinois 

There is no cheese in our house, and I’m originally from Wisconsin.  I know.  I’m probably going to hell for that.  The only thing saving me from the eternal deep fryer is a box of Cheese-Its in the cupboard, which is certainly not a whole food and may or may not contain actual dairy products.  I’d have to squint too hard and they’re too damn tasty for me to bother to check the label.  Two weeks ago we began the switch to a plant based whole foods diet.  


We still have a few meat, dairy and processed food items in the kitchen.  However, when the Cheese-Its are gone, the needle on my cheese-o-meter will be at zero and the seven signs of the cheesepocalypse will begin, starting with my name being put on some sort of black list at the Wisconsin border.  Personally I think it’s kind of fun that the only sausage in our house is in a package with a label ending in “furky.”  Furky is funny, as is Tofu.  Still, I attest.  I’m not a Vegan.  I'm not doing this to save the animals, to better the environment, to cleanse or challenge myself.  While those are admirable noble pursuits, when it comes to food I'm a selfish idiot.  This is for me.  

My Lunch: May Be Vegan  

So don’t refer to me as Vegan.  You got that punk?!  However I do like the sound of vegetarian.  It's sort of smart sounding like librarian.  This may come off a bit ethereal, but I can’t live within the walls at 123 Vegan Street.  It really struck me when I washed the egg container from the fridge and stored it away in the pantry for good.  Even with no more eggs in the house, I have no goal to be Vegan, vegan...whatever.  The label sort of annoys me.  


To me, this change in diet is not a final destination.  I’m not quitting meat, dairy and processed food.  I like to see things more positive.  I’m simply trying to eat a plant based and non-processed food diet.  You don't quit smoking.  You put more fresh air in your lungs.  To me, even as a bike crazed dufus, giving up entire groups of foods is like a New Year’s resolution to exercise everyday, a maddening premise destined to disappoint, a recipe to over promise and under deliver.  The way I see it, I equate this change in diet more to yoga.  You’ll never be perfect.  The benefit lies simply in the practice.  While there may come a day when I wish there would be a cheese-patch to deliver a steady stream of melty-gooey goodness into my veins, eating this way is simply a day to day, meal to meal exercise in being healthy. 

Furky...that's funny!

Seriously, I’m not Vegan or vegan, and I'll struggle with the capitalization issue and the fact that the word vegan has the same amount of letters as pagan for the rest of this article.  Regardless, to me, being vegan implies judgment.  I can’t live with that over my head everyday.  For goodness sake I grew up Catholic.  I may not be able to handle guilt, but I can eat a plant based whole food diet and reduce my risk of stroke, heart disease and cancer.  Easy peasy.  It’s not about whether I’ll eat turkey on Thanksgiving, have a meat drawer full of fruits and vegetables, have a homemade Christmas cookie with real butter or whether or not I'll be able to finish that never-ending big 'ol tub-o-mayo in my fridge by 2019.  If the question is can I be Vegan, the answer is: maybe.  If the question is can I give myself a better shot at living a long healthy life, the answer is: certainly.  There are more than 20 stages in the Tour De France.  You don’t need to win them all to take home the yellow jersey.  

Eaton Bikes Key West – A New Fave Shop

Eaton Bikes Drawing

Paradise is best on two wheels.  With a slogan like that, we knew we found the best bike shop in Key West.  On vacation in the Florida Keys, we spent a day in Key West, home of Hemmingway, the Southernmost Point in the United States and people dressed in silver catsuits and body paint also known as street performers.  It’s also the home of a very cool bike shop, Eaton Bikes, just a few blocks off the main drag of Duvall Street, where you can also catch a drag show if so inclined.  We opted for stops at Mallory Square, Panini Panini sandwich shop on Duvall and Virginia Streets, Fort Zachary Taylor State Park, the Southern Most Point marker, Higgs Beach, and a wonderful vegan/vegetarian bar/restaurant on Southard Street called simply, “The Café.”  The first stop however, was the bike shop.

Cruise to Southernmost Point

We’ve rented beach cruisers a few years ago in Key West, but I couldn’t remember the shop name.  All I can recall is that the shop had an actual name as opposed to Key Bikes, Bike Key West, Sunshine Cycles or any goofy touristy combination of bike related and tropical related words.  “It’s a real shop name,” I said, “not Key West Bike Rental.”  We binged and googled “Key West Bike Shop” on our phones as we drove down the sliver of Highway 1 that ties the keys together.  We scrolled through the results.  The only bike shop that came up with a normal name was Eaton Bikes, 830 Eaton Street.  “That must be it!”

Mirror in Eaton Bikes Restroom

Every bike shop in Key West rents beach cruisers.  I’m also pretty sure that every bank, bar, sandwich stand and parasailing outfit also rent bikes.  We wanted a real bike shop, run by people into cycling.  I didn’t want to rent from an “activity” center and people more interested in our credit card number than making sure we had good bikes and a great time.  The second the shop door bell clanged overhead, we definitely stepped into the right place.  Wow!

Handpainted

The staff at Eaton was super friendly.  The price was right, $18 for a 24 hour rental.  Being typical fussy cyclists, even with beach cruisers, they spent extra time making sure our saddles and handlebars were set up on our Jamis cruisers where we wanted them.  While they closed at 8pm, they instructed that if we were out late we could lock the bikes to the fence and drop the key in a mailbox.  They even had lights on the bikes.  While they went about setting up bikes for all six of us, I set out in the shop snapping pictures of the hand painted cruiser bikes and interesting bike art.  

Fun Handpainted Goodness

Paul Frank Sockmonkey Saddle

Not Sure If It Honked or Squaked

Key West Headlights

Should've Bought For My Cross Bike

Across from The Cafe'

Token Seagull on Dock Shot

And, The Token Sunset