Smedium: New Clothes Sizes for Cyclists

I Propose A New Size

“Where’s your ass?” my wife asked.  “I know you have a butt, a nice butt, but I don’t see it.”  Apparently my caboose got derailed in these 33W X 33L jeans I’m wearing.  I think I pulled them off the hanger from the pre-vegan section of my closet.  Maybe I’ve slightly neglected my personal sex appeal over 14 years of marriage, but my wife deserves to see my fine cyclocross sculpted rear bumper.  Two days later, the golden e-mail hit her smartphone, “Tonight only, 40% off at Banana Republic.”  It was mutually decided, skip the easy Monday night at the gym for an hour or two doing dressing room gymnastics.  Oh boy, it got gymnastical.

With four plaid collared button down dress shirts, a baby blue merino wool sweater and a long-john-esque “waffled” long sleeve tee, Joe or Nick or Kevin or one of the Jonas Brothers working at Banana Republic showed me to my stall.  As far as the button downs, I’m upset to report I’m a size Smedium.  From the last time I bought nice shirts and today, I’ve probably lost 12-15 pounds.  Staring in the mirror with the medium, I could gather 5-6 inches of fabric around my middle.  Dammit, it took me months of intervals and hummus to earn this waist.  I want to show it off.  So with the hesitation of a former large, I slipped on the small. 

Hmm...not too poochy in the small.

I could sort of see the last uncyclocrossed remnants of my pooch showing.  I’m not 6-pack sculpted, more of a two-pack.  Like the woman in the dressing room next to me, I went back and forth between the two sizes: small, medium, small, medium.  “Welcome to my world,” I could hear my wife saying.  I spent so much time in that dressing room with so many items I wondered if the Jonas Brother was getting suspicious of shoplifting.  I opted for the small, yet still puzzled.  Why do pants come in so many different sizes stores practically need a card catalog to organize the shelves by size and style, yet shirts at Banana Republic have only four sizes for men, small through XL?  So there’s my case for Smedium (SM) and Mediarge (ML).

As for the jeans, I walked into the store saggin’ no ass pre-vegan 33 squares, 33W x 33L.  Going sub-33 was new territory for me, so I sent Jonas ahead, armed with 32’s, 31’s and even a pair of 30’s.  The 32’s were clown pants.  I hooked the waist with my thumbs.  I could probably shove 3 summer sausages down the front of them.  The butt looked like denim drapery.  So I got extreme.  Wiggling and shimmying, I had to get gymnastical to get the 30’s on.  Beyond surprised, they buttoned right up and fell flat on the hips.  However, the thighs were so tight they could double as muscle recovery wear.  It’s the cyclists curse. 

Those Quads Need A Belt

You ride your butt off, try to eat healthy and lose weight, but your newly acquired Andre’ Greipel in training quads and hammies get so big you need to opt for the larger size.  I walked out of the dressing room without pants, new pants, and this thought.  I propose adding three dimensional sizing to men's pants.  The “T” could mean thigh or tree-trunk, or for skinny people, tent pole.  Instead of 31W x 33L, for those with 20 inch hams like me, we’d have 30W x 33L x 21T.  One way or another, my wife deserves to oogle my ass.

Bike Vacation: Rent or Your Own Ride

Like a backpack stitched with cloth patches from Amsterdam and Canada and suitcases covered in stickers from Paris and Rome, a bike that’s been to far away lands becomes a better bike. However, I’d never put a sticker on my bike. Those go on the toolbox, roof rack or workstand. I’ve rented bikes in the Florida Keys, Maui, Breckenridge and Whistler, but shipped my Niner Air 9 to Park City. The few times we’ve been to Park City it’s always been around Labor Day, when the good rentals are being sold off, leaving nothing but dusty dirty beaters for the end of season traveler.

If I had my way, I’d ship my bike on every vacation. Nothing beats the familiarity and trust of having your own ride on unfamiliar ground. Plus a bike that’s tackled everything from Pisgah to Slickrock is more of a trusted friend than only a bike. Vacations are much better with your best friend. Still, sometimes it makes more financial sense to rent a friend. The key is finding a good friend.

Tell Me There's Not An Alien In There

I’ve never flown with my bike. I’ve always been shocked at the prices airlines charge to bring a bike along as luggage, only to marvel at the giant golf club bags stuffed with everything but illegal immigrants being checked for free. Consequently, I’ve always shipped it, usually FedEx, in a regular cardboard bike box gleened from a local shop. Make sure you get all the packaging material with the box. Shipping via FedEx ground takes about 3-5 business days to anywhere in the lower 48, and usually runs about $100-$125 for a mountain bike each way with insurance. I usually ship the bikes to a bike shop in the city I’m visiting. I’ve considered shipping to the home of a friend, precisely why it’s always good to stay in touch with your friends that have moved out of town. You never know when that Facebook friend in Denver or Scotland will come in handy.
Here’s some things to consider when deciding whether to bring your own bike on vacation or rent from a local shop.

Fav Travel Shop: A Races Edge in Breckenridge

The Local Shop:
Find a shop you like before you travel. Ask your friends. Call around. Yes, talk to them. Besides, finding out what types of bikes they have and how well they’re spec’d, you’ll know right off the bat if they take time with you on the phone or blow you off as quickly as possible. While the rental sheet may say hardtails are only $35/day, one shop may have Diamondback beaters with low level components while the guys down the street have brand new Santa Cruz Blurs with XT. In Breckenridge one year, my wife and I were able to find race-level demo bikes from Litespeed and Rocky Mountain equipped with XTR, a total score. Moreover, you want to call and talk to them. Find out who’s friendly, which shop heads up the local Wednesday night group ride, who will go the extra mile to show you the trails and which one will help fit you properly on your rental. They key is to find a shop that you can call home while away from home. If you decide to ship your bike to the shop, tell them that you’re a good customer. Let them know, even though you’re not renting from them that you’ll definitely shop their store while you’re in town.

Fav Travel Shop: Maui Cycles Lahaina

Time of Year
The best time to rent is after Memorial Day, the rental fleets are new and the selection is high. Conversely, the worst time to rent is the week of or after Labor Day when the rentals are being sold off and you’ll be left to choose between a tiny 15 inch mountain bike or a skyscraper 60cm road bike. However the bonus of traveling around Labor Day is that many of the mountain town bike shops have huge sales as they try to sell off their inventory before ski season.

Availability:
Search the internet for races and rides where you are staying. You’ll have a tough time finding a quality rental when the Ironman comes to Kona or when the Peaks Challenge is in Park City.

Fav Travel Shop: Owner Mary at Bike Barn in Phoenix

Price:
How Much Riding are you doing: I’m an avid cyclist, but you have to be real about how much time you’ll be on the bike. If you travel Saturday to Saturday, right off the bat you won’t be riding on Saturdays, leaving you six days to ride. If you’re traveling to someplace with elevation, you likely wont be riding very far on Sunday until you get adjusted to the altitude. Ask yourself, will I really ride six days? Maybe you’d like to hike once or twice, go rafting, or spend a day at the pool. More often than not, I find that I really only ride 4-5 times while on vacation. Considering a good high end rental will cost $45-55 for 24 hours, you might be better off renting. If you rent after 1pm, you can ride in the afternoon that day, wake up early, and get a 2nd ride in on the same rental the following morning. Essentially, you can eek two long rides out of a one day rental. Brilliant!

Eaton Bikes Key West – A New Fave Shop

Eaton Bikes Drawing

Paradise is best on two wheels.  With a slogan like that, we knew we found the best bike shop in Key West.  On vacation in the Florida Keys, we spent a day in Key West, home of Hemmingway, the Southernmost Point in the United States and people dressed in silver catsuits and body paint also known as street performers.  It’s also the home of a very cool bike shop, Eaton Bikes, just a few blocks off the main drag of Duvall Street, where you can also catch a drag show if so inclined.  We opted for stops at Mallory Square, Panini Panini sandwich shop on Duvall and Virginia Streets, Fort Zachary Taylor State Park, the Southern Most Point marker, Higgs Beach, and a wonderful vegan/vegetarian bar/restaurant on Southard Street called simply, “The Café.”  The first stop however, was the bike shop.

Cruise to Southernmost Point

We’ve rented beach cruisers a few years ago in Key West, but I couldn’t remember the shop name.  All I can recall is that the shop had an actual name as opposed to Key Bikes, Bike Key West, Sunshine Cycles or any goofy touristy combination of bike related and tropical related words.  “It’s a real shop name,” I said, “not Key West Bike Rental.”  We binged and googled “Key West Bike Shop” on our phones as we drove down the sliver of Highway 1 that ties the keys together.  We scrolled through the results.  The only bike shop that came up with a normal name was Eaton Bikes, 830 Eaton Street.  “That must be it!”

Mirror in Eaton Bikes Restroom

Every bike shop in Key West rents beach cruisers.  I’m also pretty sure that every bank, bar, sandwich stand and parasailing outfit also rent bikes.  We wanted a real bike shop, run by people into cycling.  I didn’t want to rent from an “activity” center and people more interested in our credit card number than making sure we had good bikes and a great time.  The second the shop door bell clanged overhead, we definitely stepped into the right place.  Wow!

Handpainted

The staff at Eaton was super friendly.  The price was right, $18 for a 24 hour rental.  Being typical fussy cyclists, even with beach cruisers, they spent extra time making sure our saddles and handlebars were set up on our Jamis cruisers where we wanted them.  While they closed at 8pm, they instructed that if we were out late we could lock the bikes to the fence and drop the key in a mailbox.  They even had lights on the bikes.  While they went about setting up bikes for all six of us, I set out in the shop snapping pictures of the hand painted cruiser bikes and interesting bike art.  

Fun Handpainted Goodness

Paul Frank Sockmonkey Saddle

Not Sure If It Honked or Squaked

Key West Headlights

Should've Bought For My Cross Bike

Across from The Cafe'

Token Seagull on Dock Shot

And, The Token Sunset

Gift Cards b/c I Love You, But Not That Much

You want to know how I know she loves me?  My mom called and inquired whether a Challenge Griffo cyclocross tire should be size 700x34 or 700c x 34mm.  She listened to my explanation of what the “c” and “mm” meant in relation to the dimensions of the tire.  Even if faned, she seemed interested.   She’s a retired nurse.  Having administered plenty of medication, she’s no stranger to the metric system and cubic centimeters.  Even though it may’ve killed the Christmas Day surprise, I almost appreciate her effort more that the gift itself.  Obviously mom loves me way more than people she purchased gift cards for.  I’m real present worthy and they’re just gift card relatives. 

Giving a gift card is like saying I’m not interested in your life enough to get you the dorky thing you really want.  That’s why I’d rather get a real gift than a gift card.  Gift cards are like saying TMI.  I know you’re into bikes, but that’s where I’m drawing the line.  Here’s a gift card to Performance.  You do the work.

There is an exception.  The only time I like getting a bike gift card, is when it opens a little window to my life, like getting a gift certificate to my local bike shop, BioWheels, the shop I race for.  They have Bio-bucks.  Like getting a Challenge Griffo tubular, a Bio-Buck certificate from my mom says, “I know you race for BioWheels.  I know you prefer to have your sponsor’s parts on your bike.  I called and talked to Mitch the owner.  He’s a nice guy and seems like a good friend of yours.”  It's a gift with a story.  That’s a real present.  It shows interest in my life.

Real presents bring people together.  Last year my mom asked for a specific kind of water color painting paper.  I went to 2 different art stores.  I talked to the bearded hippie clerk.  Thanks to her, I now know that a block of 200 pound water color paper does not weigh more than me.  I got a taste of my mom’s hobby and she got a taste of mine.  Now, I lean in a little more when she tells me about the challenges of her painting class.  I can see how the paper and paint work together when she shows me a painting of downtown Cedarburg, Wisconsin.  In turn, at age 65, she learned a little bit about cyclocross.

The other great thing about getting a cyclocross tire for Christmas is that I can oogle it on the couch.  Try that with a gift card.  I’ll show the tire off to my science nerdy 3^rd grade nephew and bore the little guy with a grand story of how fast I can ride my bike in mud.  Maybe I’ll show him a picture of me racing from my phone.  I’ll show him how the big knobbies can grab and hang on to a surface.  I'll tell him it was hand made in Belgium.  Maybe I'll point it out on a map.  I'll ask him to go ahead and touch the soft cotton sidewall, roll it across the couch cushions and explain how the cotton bends to follow the contour of the cushions.  He’ll be thrilled…for at least 3 minutes, a priceless 3 minutes of closeness with family.