Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Anti-Santa Has A Gift You Don't Want

Germ Infested Cyborg aka Your Cousin's Offspring
This is Billy. We cyclists call him the Anti-Santa. He make look like a fun, comical kind of guy, someone you might feel obliged to hug, kiss or play tootsies with this Christmas, but he wants to kill you. Billy is a germ infested cyborg disguised as your cousin’s child hell-bent on destroying your winter training by making you sick for the next two weeks. I’m almost certain Billy is a relative of that Mayhem guy on the car insurance commercials. I avoid Billy every holiday and take drastic measures up to, but not including, wearing a hazmat suit to the annual holiday family get together at Auntie Sherry’s house. At this very moment, Billy is a virtual human backpack of 3 different types of influenza, 5 types of colds and a few things that medical professionals have yet to categorize. Billy is a bad boy.

Billy's Favorite Hang Out Spot
Ya see, just before you walked under the mistletoe, Billy picked his nose, gave it a taste, then wiped it on his cheek.  You may want to think twice about where you plant that smooch and whether you want to stick a finger and let him give you a handshake with his adorable pudgy little baby fingers.  While his mom wasn’t looking, the dog licked his head; right after it licked its own butt.  So, a pat on the head may not be the best idea either.

The problem is that ignoring Billy is rude.  He’s grown so much since the last time you saw him.  His parents are proud.  Look!  He's got your eyes!  He knows his ABC’s.  They’ll be disappointed if you don’t interact with him.  After all, he needs to see his Uncle Joey.  He wuvs Unkie Joey.  He’s irresistible.

You may have noticed some family members have wised up to Billy and his evil posse of toddler anti-Santas.  When you walk into the house, there’s always a few people just sitting in the family room, in a chair, by themselves, with a drink and either chatting with a neighbor or watching the game.  You may think of them as the anti-socials.  That couldn’t be farther from the truth.  You should really get to know them better.  They're your type of people, doing their best to be a part of the party without being a part of Billy’s booger bash.

Guest of Billy's Booger Bash

Back to the mistletoe, here are a few rules to make nice-nice with Billy without getting infected with a disease you haven’t had since you were 14 months old:

1) Make no direct body contact with the Anti-Santa.  DO NOT KISS ANY BABY/TODDLER/CHILD.
2) Avoid being in the 90 degree cone of carnage that surrounds the Anti-Santa’s nose and mouth.
3) Stand to one side, at least 2.5 feet away of the Anti-Santa.
4) If you feel the need to have direct personal contact with the adorable germ infested cyborg, interact only with his/her clothing.  Grab that socky-foot and wiggle it.  Gently poke that sweater covered jiggly tummy.
5) Wrap up your interaction quickly by saying, “Oop, I’m almost empty.  I gotta get a refill on my drink.”  Then go to the bathroom and wash your face and hands up to your elbows. 
6) In the bathroom, do not use the community towel.  Find a fresh one under the sink or in the linen closet.
7) Repeat after every encounter.

The Anti-Anti-Santa
To prepare for your inevitable encounter with these sirens, stock up on the following:

1) Multi-Vitamins and Vitamin C.  I’d say take one everyday and before every new house you enter.
2) Drink DanActive by Dannon every day.  It’s got probiotics that will defend your body against an attack by Billy’s biological weapons.  Start today and let it build up in your system.
3)Do not accept accommodations in a child’s room at a relative’s house.  Sleep in a hotel or with family that has adult children.  A $100 hotel room is worth the price in co-pays and Sudafed.
4) Carry and use hand sanitizer after every encounter.
5) Billy’s Mom and Dad are covered in Billy juice.  Treat them like Billy.
6) Never let your drink get out of sight.  Billy is on the prowl and I think I just heard him sneeze. 

Enjoy your holiday the best you can!  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!


Slowride said...

I get a couple of bike rags and this was better than anything in any of them. I'll just start sending you $19.99 a year Joe.
My favorite is #5 under prep:
"Billys mom and dad are covered in Billy juice!"
I followed your rules of engagement and have emerged uninfected. I plan to ride Friday!
Happy New Year all!

Joe Biker said...

I survived the holiday uninfected as all that billy juice off me.