Facebook Friday! The Best Bike Blog Slogans Ever*

Let’s face it, the name of this blog is too long to fit on a pair of socks or the jersey of a Clydesdale racer for that matter.  So we thought, we need a slogan, a few words that capture the chutzpah of The Best Bike Blog Ever*, or at least something to fill in the asterisk with.

The asterisk and “…” were meant to imply that this is hardly the best bike blog ever, but the best bike blog ever written by a bike crazed dufus with devil horns.  I do my best to make each story relatable to all kinds of riders, from the clumsy knees a-kimbo bike path Triathlon rookie to those who choke back a lung racing in skinsuits on carbon rigs every weekend.  It’s exaggerated as a cartoon and peppered with pokes.  I jab a sharpened spoke in my leg each time I feel myself for getting too serious, preachy or political.

As creative as I strive to be, I tried to come up with a slogan on my own.  “Look No Hands,” cracked me up and reminded me that cycling in our roots is child’s play.  “I’m Not Lance,” was another.  People tell me I look like his Highness.  “You Ridin’ THAT?” was another paying homage to a buddy who has a knack for sucking the serious out of the air before races by questioning other rider's high end equipment.  I couldn’t settle on anything.  So we came to you in our weekly series called “Facebook Friday.”

What Slogan captures the essence of The Best Bike Blog Ever?

Christopher:

“Laughs No Waiting”

Butch

“Subtle As A Pipe Bomb”

Kurt

“Bring The Pain”

Harold

“Pain Face Time”

(Kurt and Harold know that I have the ugliest race pain face in the Ohio River Valley)

Gary 

"Did I bike with you?"

(love the take off on “Do I Know You” humor in this…my runner up)

Rick

“YOUR Bike Blog Sucks”

Jason

“Stitches Are For Emo Kids”

(I still don’t get it, but they tell me it’s hilarious)

Jerry

“TBBBE…Your Cycling Submission Hold”

Marisel

“Heel On Wheels” 

(love the sarcasm, I mean New York Humor, in that)

James

“Big Ring Bloggin’”

(that’s got swagga)

Brett

“On Your Left @$%*&”

B-Jet

“The Man, the myth, the cyclist, the legendary blogger”

Scott

"The next best thing to peddling harder"

Melissa
“Yammerin' not hammerin'”

(Melissa grabs the third step and the bronze)

Mary

“Counts As Base Miles”

(winner winner chicken dinner)

Dear Satan (aka the person that drops Entenmann's baked goods off at my office),

What?!  Did you check the race schedule to make sure I WAS racing at Cincinnati’s Ault Park Criterium tonight and figured I could use the extra weight to bomb down the hill to latch onto the breakway?  Damn you.  No!  I love you.  No!  Damn!  Damn!  Damn you to the firey depths, you and your fiendish Fudge Brownie bites.

Entenmann’s Little Bites are darn devilishly delicious.  I don’t know what they put in those things, because they have all the consistency of what the neighborhood girls I knew growing up baked in their Easy Bake Oven with a 25 watt light bulb.  Then…then…oh this is good.  Entenmann’s only puts three Fudge Brownie Little Bites in a bag.  Three?  They’re smaller than a California sushi roll and I’m a grown man.  Of-freaking-course I’m going to eat two bags, at least.  Plus, the fact that they have “No High Fructose Corn Syrup and a Good Source of Calcium” is supposed to make me feel better about seeing how many I can stuff in my mouth at one time.

What really gets me is your strategic tactics.  Seriously, with your cunning you should help NATO plan the war in Afganistan.  You probably plotted all day to drop them off at 12:45pm, fully knowing that I would probably have eaten a full lunch and that I usually pass the kitchen on my way to my post lunch bathroom break at 2pm.  No doubt you have access to the surveillance cameras in the hallway.  On top of that, you don’t even take the 5 individual bags out of the box, so more people could enjoy them.  Of course that forces me to take a whole box back to my office.  Now it’s 2pm and I have 18 chocolately-goodness filled Entenmann’s Little Fudge Brownie Bites singing their silly siren song on my desk.

Lastly don’t think I didn’t see the subliminal cycling message.  You know what I’m talking about.  On the box, the cute little dog riding a unicycle down a rocky chocolate chunk trail while simultaneously balancing three scrumdillyiscious fudgy Little Bites on his tiny little cross eyed head.  Yeah.  Of course I wanna be able to ride like that dog.  You suck you fudge brownie pusher. 

Fudgely Yours,

Joe Biker

Oakley Mud-Shields, Body Bags and 3 other Mohican MTB 100 Revelations

MAKING KAJILLIONS

I am going to make kajillions patenting a design for Mud-shield sport glasses and then sell my brilliant idea to Giro and Oakley.  Those in the know at muddy races keep their glasses low on the nose to block the front wheel spray, while being able to see over the top.  Plus it makes you look as cool as Tom Cruise in Risky Business (see photo).  “Just take those old records off the shelf ladies!”  Unless you’re a mouth breather, the problem is, on the end of your nose, your glasses are constantly in a state of cutting off part of your oxygen supply.  I could make kajillions off a set of cycling shields with angled lenses solely to keep mud from getting in your eyes.  It’d be perfect in conjunction with a helmet visor.  Either that or I might try a fencing mask or peel away lens motocross goggles next year.

A BODY BAG IS NO EXCUSE TO DNF

There are three ways to DNF in a race: mental, physical and mechanical.  No matter how hard you rationalize it, when you hang-it-up all three feel like a bad excuse you gave your parents for missing curfew.  Even if they left your bike at the bottom of the ravine and carried you out of the woods in a zippered black bag and tossed you in the back of a big black Cadillac station wagon, you’d still wonder if you could come back as a ghost and finish the race.  With 2 days of torrential rain, hail, flood warnings and tornados prior to and during the 2010 NUE Series Mohican MTB 100, 30% of the riders I was staying with either DNF’d or DNS’d.  DFL (dead freaking last) is better than both of them.  Exhaust all possibilities before telling the official you’re a DNF.  You’ll never know if in the pouring rain while standing in ankle deep mud as the fat guys pass on full-suspension Diamond Back’s you could’ve pulled off the MacGruber and fixed the 7-8 inches of twisted chain on your bike with slippery fingers, those two chain pins and the 3 inch length of chain in your bag.  Otherwise you’ll go home and try to make the fix to see if it was even possible.  Then you’ll think of another way you could’ve saved the day, such as waiting for someone about your size to ride by, pushing them into the ravine and stealing their bike.  Save yourself some misery.  If you DNF’d, just let it go.  Like not getting to the top of Everest, we all have our limits.  You just found your personal death zone.

TOOL #1: CASSETTE BRUSH

If it’s muddy, carry a cassette brush.  Two of us in the cabin this weekend had the same revelation.  I think they’re called the Park Tools GCCB-UT (Park Tools Gear Cassette Cog Brush Unclogger Thingy.)  Lightweight and small it could instantly fix chain suck caused by mud and debris.  I pulled an eight inch vine, grass, roots, pebbles, sand and a 2 inch stick out of my chainrings when I got back to the cabin.  No wonder with every other pedal stroke my chain was getting stuck worse than Oprah in an innertube.  That, a bottle of water and a tiny bottle of lube would’ve saved me from race ending chain bending chain suck.  30 seconds at the side of the trail cleaning is a lot faster than fixing broken chain or limping your way home with a twisted chain.  Plus, you could brush your teeth mid-ride and ham it up for the course photog like this guy.

A BIKE RACE IS NOT A MEASURING STICK OF SELF WORTH (but it sure the hell feels that way)

Never sign up for a race and back out because conditions look bad.  No matter how bad the course or weather looks, it’s a bike race, not walking into a burning building wearing a Vasoline skinsuit.  A friend bailed the morning of the race, eating the $100+ entry fee and a ton of self fed crow.  At the cabin, he could barely look his pristinely clean Sram XX equipped bike in the eye.  As he sat on the couch, a guy in his late 30’s watching a Saturday morning episode of iCarley; his bike sat in the corner and called him a douche all day.  He turned up the volume on the TV to drown out the voice in his head.  He had to resort to kicking all our asses in post-race putt-putt golf to temporarily feed his competitive spirit.  He probably went out for a 100 mile ride when we got back and is still sulking at this moment.  He will continue to beat himself up until the next big race.  Believe it or not, sitting in a warm dry cable TV equipped cozy log cabin is worse than racing the in worst imaginable conditions.  Better to endure the suck and DNF trying.  Later he would ask me, never let a friend back out on a race.  Call them names like wuss-face and pansy pants.  Tell them you just saw a one-legged cancer patient ride by on their way to the start with an IV chemo-bag as a Camelback.  Throw their team kit at them and tell ‘em to suit up.  Strap their helmet on their head.  Fill up and put water bottles on their bike.  If all else fails, take their bike to the start line and tell them, “Dude, if you want your bike, it’ll be on the starting line.”  They will thank you for it.

MY NEW PACKING LIST IN ORDER OF IMPORTANCE: (copy and paste for personal use)

Coffee

The really good coffee.

Seriously, because you know all they sell in Boondockville, OH is a 9 pound red metal can filled with dirt and hair from the local barbershop floor masquerading as real coffee.

Bike, Helmet, Shoes, Etc.

2010 Mohican MTB 100 Results, Photos & News Link

Facebook Friday: What Song Makes You Hammer?

I fear purgatory, at least, for some of my readers.  What the hell.  Certainly I shouldn’t be the one with plastic rummage sale devil horns zip tied to my helmet.  Pure evil, but I kind of like it.  The fear of death motivates us all and it sort of shows.  It’s Facebook Friday on The Best Bike Blog Ever*.  During the week we ask our Facebook likers and followers a question and post the comments on the blog.  Like us here and join us next week.  This week’s question came via FB message from fan Jerry.  He asked:

You have your Ipod jammin' in the last mile of a Time Trial or Big MTB race. What song has to come on to motivate you to hammer even harder?

The Best Bike Blog Ever

The Subways “Oh Yeah” (pictured above)

Butch

ButDethklok “Thunderhorse”

Tim

Anthrax “Milk (Ode to Billy)”

Bridget

Joan Jett “Bad Reputation”

Geoff

Metallica “Death Magnetic - My Apocalypse”

James

Cyndi Lauper "Time After Time"

I go lactic every time I hear it.

Leesa

Toots and the Maytals “Pressure Drop”

At the "24 Hours of Moab"- playing over the loud speaker just as the sun was setting on the last mile or so. A speedy downhill straightaway into the hand-off tent...Not so much hammering harder, but just a free and exhilerated feeling!


Jerome

Foo Fighters "Learn to Fly"

Scott

Dropkick Murphys “Flannigan’s Ball”

Christopher

LL Cool J “Phenomenon”

Andrew

Nothing but the sound of my pulse reverberating through my eyeballs.

James (again)
Ever notice you feel like a winner while listening to Rick Astley?  I do.

Bridget (with the reply we were all hoping for)

@James- I think Cyndi Lauper & Rick Astley had a child and you are the result.

Ryan

Foo Fighters “Best of You”

This song came on in the last mile of Ironman Florida and I could run that mile harder than anything else I had done that day.


Lance

The Clash “Hateful”

Kim

Jeff Beck “Rosebud”

This tune kicks ass!  I find it very inspirational!!

Jerry (Today’s FB Friday was his idea.  Thanks Jer!)

Nine Inch Nails "Hand That Feeds"

Just try turning under 100 RPMs. A must for the warm up routine or trainer rides.

Jaden

Stone Temple Pilots

I always look forward to them coming up on the playlist.

Corey

Ministry "Jesus Built My Hotrod"

TOOLS R4 FOOLS: What Slogan is on Your Mohican 100 Jersey?

I could’ve ridden the last two Mohican 100 races without any tool, tubes or air.  Coulda…woulda…shoulda.  Besides helping a teammate with a broken chain, I personally didn’t need to bring an extra 800 pound boat anchor chain pin.  Does that mean I should leave the tools at the cabin and save the weight this year?  Yep.  If I were a complete dufus.  Contrary to what you may think, I am not a complete dufus, only a bike crazed dufus with devil horns.  My rule for Mohican is that the weight of the tools I carry should not weigh more than the poop I take the morning before the race.  So, I am strapping an entire steel IF 29er frameset to a 100oz Camelback this year.  

Really, I am bringing the same fix-it supplies to Mohican this year as I brought last year, albeit with one change.  Instead of a 2^nd 40oz CO2 air can, I’m bringing a small pump that’s about equal weight.  (bike packed as pictured above) I figure if I get a 2^nd flat, my goal will be too far gone at that point and I’ll be just hoping for a decent finish.  I know I’m not the only racer comparing the weights of air cartridges and pumps and the benefits of each.  We all consider the problem probabilities.  The most common mechanical you’ll likely encounter is a flat tire.  The 2^nd most common is a broken chain.  The third would be some kind of readjustment to your equipment, like tweaking your handlebars after a mishap.  The 4^th would be some sort of catastrophic failure of a major component like your derailleur hanger or left leg.   So is it one tube or two?  Two air cartridges or one and a pump?  I personally know a guy who brings a replacement rear derailleur, simply because he’s an idiot, I mean, determined to finish.  Before you even consider what to pack you need to ask yourself one question:

Which slogan would you have embroidered on the back of your Mohican jersey?

 “Tools R4 Fools”  

“Cooking Up an Excuse”

“Gimmie My Pint”

“Don’t Worry, I Packed a Light”

TOOLS R4 FOOLS

You’re going to finish in the top “x” or bust.  You agree with the statement: “I’m completely prepared to DNF if things don’t go my way.”  You say “foo” instead of “fool.”  Many pro’s race this way.  Less talk that way.  Maybe the entry fee didn’t come out of your pocket.  Maybe you nabbed close to a top ten last year (cough Marty) and your buddies (cough me) think you have a real shot at a podium this year.  It’s up to you, but considering that a flat is the most common issue riders have you might want to carry 1 lightweight air cartridge/chuck so that in the event of a flat you might be able to shoot in enough air and hope the tire sealant can help you hold your position to the finish.  The really good riders can do this without getting off their bike.  Sometimes just waving the CO2 can above your head and threatening the tire can convince it to seal.  Lance tried this unsuccessfully at Leadville.  You might one-up him and actually figure out how to inflate a tire with CO2 before the race.  Regardless, the 4-5 minutes it might take to drop in a tube would put you so far behind your goal that it wouldn’t be worth finishing.  In this case, your best option is to flag a ride back to the venue, toss your gear in your car and discreetly leave before the first rider crosses the finish line.  Many pros do this.  You don’t need a computer because you plan on being within sight of the leaders.

Tools: 1 lightweight air chuck and 40oz CO2 can…maybe

“COOKING UP AN EXCUSE”

Most of my teammates are in this boat.  We have our goals, but we’re hardly good enough to tango for a podium spot against the pros at Mohican.  We’re hoping to come close, to have our name a few spots below a big name on the leader board or at least near where it was last year.  Actually the object is to take a picture of the leaderboard and have your name and the name of someone remotely famous in the same frame.  If not, we’ll do our best to finish and cook up a good story for the campfire afterward.  Unlike the pros, not finishing means you’d have to face the heckling at the after party since you carpooled up to the venue with these A-holes in the first place.  So we’ll carry enough stuff to fix the most common mechanicals without it weighing more than the result of the daily morning ritual. 

Tools from above plus:

2^nd air cartridge or 1 tiny ass pump of equal weight to air cartridge (cuz you handle air cartridges like Lance Armstrong thereby giving you another chance at saving face with you’re A-hole buddies)

1 tube (it’s insurance against your entry fee)

1 Tiny ass chain tool with the few most common Allen keys to avoid bad juju

2 Shimano Spare Chain Pins (no doubt you’ll drop the first one in the dirt during your lactic acid haze)

1 Cyclo-computer (so you have a clue of when the pint glass will be in you hand, how far you might actually be behind the leaders, and statistical proof that you bombed that descent faster than your buddies)

“COOKING UP AN EXCUSE +1”

Same as above except you fear the double flat and rationalize the extra weight of a 2^nd tube by carrying the most minimalist lightweight chain tool, air chuck, pump, cyclo-computer and Allen keys possible thereby reducing the weight of your entire tool package to just slightly more than a hearty morning poo.  You then tape the tube to the underside of your stem with matching electrical tape, because only middle aged white guys can make bling out of a 50 cent roll of tape.  This is me yo.

“GIMMIE MY PINT”

You don’t really have a goal in mind other than going home knowing you did your best, but by God you’re going to finish before the tap on that finish line keg runs dry cuz there’s nothing worse than being handed an empty pint glass and being berated by your faster buddies who have already showered and eaten by the time you arrive.  So, you’re bringing an extra tube, an actual full-on multi tool to make sure you at least finish before they get out of the shower. 

Tools from above plus:

Another tube (because you’re THAT guy who installs new tubes and then pinch flats them 2 minutes later.)

A full-on complete Allen wrench set, screwdriver, spoke wrench and knife.  (Because if you can’t fix your bike you can at least stab yourself in the leg and cross the finish line bleeding which gives you carte blanche to fabricate the best story at the campfire after party)

“DON’T WORRY, I BROGHT A LIGHT”

You haven’t ridden further than 1.5 hours all spring, you still don’t have biker tan lines, you preregistered but foolishly you’re still determined to make it. 

Tools from above plus:

Headlight

Full Swiss Army type Allen wrench set including a big 8 or 10mm for your pedals

Patch kit

Stewart Smally’s mini-book of ”Positive Thoughts”

Small bottle of lube

A section of chain

Iodine tablets or water purifier

Band-Aids, Bactine, Medical Tape

A length of duct tape

Map of Mohican Wilderness with highlighted short-cuts

An assortment of screws and washers

A spare (insert part you break most often here such as derailleur hanger, derailleur, seat post etc)

A mojo or good luck charm to dangle from your seat bag to signal to all riders that you have no business being in front of them.