Banning The Butt-Pat

Without a doubt, there’s one thing that scares most bike riders: looking totally fat in bike shorts.  No.  I’m sorry.  The one thing that scares riders is that they one day might feel compelled to buy a jersey with a psychedelic red eyed tree frog on the back.  No.  Really.  The one thing that scares most riders is carnage.

Which brings me to my next point, the one thing that most club and new riders have in common is looking as flamboyant as Cameron on Modern Family in a XXXL Primal jersey.  No.  Seriously, the one thing that most new riders have in common is the butt-pat.  Now I don’t know what numb-nut started this whole butt-pat paceline pull-off thing, probably the same douche that invented the tree frog jersey, but it must stop.  Dear Ricky Bobby and little baby Jesus it must stop.  Don’t make me print up anti-butt-pat t-shirts and jerseys and sell them out the trunk of my car at the next club century ride, because I will.  You might think the reason I disdain the butt-pat is because it’s totally Cameron and draws attention to your fat thread bare Lycra covered caboose.  In all reality, it’s what could happen after the butt-pat that gives me the heebie jeebies.  The butt-pat could lead to four men sitting cross-legged in Lycra sipping espresso at the café while discussing last night’s episode of Cougar Town.  It could, but aside from that, the butt-pat, like a 50% off Nashbar tree-frog jersey, is pretty much a disaster waiting to happen.  Think about it.  If I really wanted to get some pro-looking road rash scars and maybe a nifty shoulder bump the first thing I would do is get in front of a group of riders, take my eyes off the road to look back, let up on the pedal cadence, contort my body to throw off my equilibrium and center of balance and attempt to pat my own ass at 25mph. 

A wise veteran rider and regional pro level racer once told me, “Always hook your thumbs.”  It’s Guinness Beer type “brilliant!”  Notice that he said thumbs, not thumb…but thumbssssssssss.  Secondly, notice he said hook, not rest or gently curl, but hook.  The one bit of latitude is that you can probably get away with hooking fingers if you’re on the hoods, unless you have gangly baboon thumbs that can reach around a hood.  I can’t say how many times this has saved me from certain George Hincapie with a broken steerer tube type death.  If this is too hard to imagine, the key is to actually…physically…hang on to your handlebar. 

But you’re a good rider, you couldn’t, wouldn’t possibly crash by not hooking your thumbs or fingers.  That’s silly.  I ride around all the time just resting my hands across the tops and hoods.  I can pat my ass when I ride.  Well if you look closely at the following video, you’ll notice the rider looks super cool in the first bunch across the climb with his hands resting on the tops just before he, Saxo Bank super star Jens Voight, goes all silly rag doll down the road at what appears to be 900mph at the top of a mountain in the 2009 Tour De France. 

When that first aired, commentators remarked and pointed out as French television rolled back the wreck footage over and over and over again that there was a bump or raised crack in the road that caused him to crash.  Really?  It’s the Tour de France.  It’s like 2500 miles long, with I’m pretty sure, an equal number of bumps in the road, not to mention the fact that the ten or so guys in front of him all seemed to navigate the pit-fall without incident.  I’m sorry, but I’m darn tootin’ certain that the reason Jens, one of the most respected riders in the pro-peloton, crashed and ended up in the hospital is because he wasn’t holding on to the handlebars.  Thumbs, fingers…not hooked.

Now, I’m not one to use scare tactics or make light of tragedy, but I am one to point out the ridiculous things that irrationally filter from one rider to the next, like horrible looking theme jerseys, 30 cubic foot seat bags, and patting your own ass while in front of a bunch of your best riding buddies.  If you want to signal to the closet Cougar Town watching tree frog jersey wearing guy behind you that it’s his turn to take a pull, flick your elbow.  The pro’s sometimes do that.  Even still you’d be missing out on one of the most beautiful parts of group cycling: a buttah smooth look back and butt-pat free zenlike flowing paceline.  I have found no better example than this video featuring one of my favorite riders, Danny Pate in the Tour of California.  It’s so awesome to watch, that I could delete every episode of Modern Family and Cougar Town from my DVR and replace it with a six hour loop of this.  Enjoy and keep your hands off your fanny.

Goodbye Mr. Janglybag

Gears clanking, chain slapping, seat bag jangling, not too long ago I was on a big group ride and got stuck behind a rider with a noisy bike, Mr. Janglybag.  I couldn’t take it.  Rather than berating him for bad manners and his lack of packing skills, I sat-in till I found another wheel.  Sitting-in is a great way to save energy if you’ve got the sniffles, are the weaker rider in the bunch or just need to get behind or in front of someone else.  Unfortunately, many riders haven’t mastered the art of changing their position in the paceline without causing gaps or disrupting the pace.  Consequently they get dropped if they’re weak or start making enemies if they’re not cool about it. 

I sat-in to get away from Mr. Janglybag, but there are other reasons to sit in.  A lot of riders don’t even think about how the riders in front of and behind them in a paceline affect their experience.  Maybe a sprint is coming up and you’d rather have a teammate’s wheel.  Maybe the guy in front of you is squirrely and you’d rather be behind someone steadier.  Maybe you’re on the brink of getting dropped because the doofus behind you always jacks the pace after you take your pull and you’d rather have a smoother person behind you.  I’ve sat-in for all these reason and it works.  The trick to sitting-in is to be invisible. 

     X

     X

     X

     X

     X

     X

     X

Take these 7 riders for example, and excuse my lack of graphic art skills.  The GREEN X is taking their pull.  You’re (RED X) picking up the rear. 

     X

 X  X

     X

     X

     X

     X

GREEN X has finished their pull, has moved off the front and drifts to the rear.  You (RED X) need to be aware that it’s time to put on your cloak of invisibility and get ready to move to your left a bit. 

     X

     X

     X

     X

  X X

 X

GREEN X is now almost to the rear of the paceline.  You (RED X) move behind them and slightly to the left in their blind spot.  Then, drift to the rear with them.  As GREEN X gets ready to fall back in line, naturally he’ll look to the right to grab the wheel of the last rider he sees-the rider to his right at the moment. 

     X

     X

     X

     X

     X

   X

   X

Since you (RED X) were in the blind spot, GREEN X didn’t see you and simply moved behind the last rider he saw, the guy that used to be in front of you.  You move behind GREEN X.  The pace stays steady and you stay out of the wind.  If the people you’re riding with know you’re under the weather or a weaker rider, they won’t mind.  Or, if you’re just looking for another wheel, you can sit on till you’re between the riders you want to be.  Goodbye Mr. Janglybag.

The Devil, The Angel & The Group Ride Blob

Look at Jerky Jane. She’s coasting & eating on the front of the paceline and everyone’s freaking stacking up behind her. Dufus up there keeps drifting to the left every time he reaches for a bottle. That dodgy dick needs to learn how to soft pedal and get off the brakes. Someone should tell that putz he doesn’t need to point and shout out every pebble in the road and just worry about the objects that could cause a problem. You want to say it. You’re chamois is in a bundle, but you don’t want to tip the testosterone test tube on a group ride. So you put up with it. Who’s the dufus now?

You. You Jerry are the dufus. (Seinfeld…when Elaine is running the catalog)

Bad bike habits left unchecked never change. In fact, they get more ingrained with time. It’s like The Blob, you gotta stop it now or it’ll overrun your group ride and vaporize everyone. Don’t be a dufus. You must stop the blob.

You could take the Devil approach, ride up next to the squirrel in question and say something like, “hey AD-Dufus stop looking at the cows and flowers and old barns and freaking on every crack in the road and toying with your computer and focus on something else like, I don’t know, how about maybe riding your bike in a straight line!” Unfortunately, that’ll get you an FU real quick.

Recently I gave a few tips to someone who committed a few group ride/pace line sins. They didn’t say FU. The response I got back was this, and I quote, “The words of advice are much appreciated.”

That’s quite a departure from an FU. How did I do it? I put ‘em in a figure-four leg lock and gave them cauliflower ears till they gave in. Really, I just took the Angel approach, waited till the right moment, kept it private and gave them constructive advice. For me, it was someone I knew fairly well, so I sent an email a day after the ride:

Dude,

I don't know if someone mentioned something to ya or not, but yesterday I noticed to that you tend to slightly speed up and slow down in the paceline. I'm sure you'd rather hear it from a buddy than getting hollered at by some jerk wad. So here's a one word tip for riding in the paceline. SMOOTH. Don't make any abrupt changes in speed. The person behind you is just inches from your wheel. If they touch your wheel and/or crash, they're going to blame you. Try to anticipate changes in the paceline’s speed. Keep your eyes ahead for little hills, obstacles, corners etc. Keep pedaling and take it easy on the brakes. Stay just slightly to one side of the wheel in front of you. That way, if the person in front of you slows down a bit, you can soft pedal and have room to react rather than touching the brakes or stop pedaling, which causes a chain reaction with the person behind you.

Your pal,

Joe

I waited till the day after, but the right moment can be when the ride slows down to a chatty noodle, during a natural break, or after the ride when folks are packing up and saying their goodbyes. Trick is to do it privately. It’s cycling, not an episode of The View where the girls grill Octo-mom. There’s no reason to air the dirty laundry in front of the group or for anyone else on the ride to chime in. That’ll make the offender feel like they’re being teamed up on. Just wait for a chilled out moment. Keep it private & constructive.

Here’s some common offenses and how to listen to the Angel on your shoulder:

Offense: Jacking The Pace
Devil: Quit jacking the pace on the front of the group you jag.
Angel: Ya know the person in front of you is having a hard time latching back on to the back after their pull. If ya keep the pace steady when you get to the front, they’ll have an easier time getting back on. Plus we won’t end up dropping ‘em and waiting for ‘em later. They’re a little weaker, so maybe take a longer pull instead of going faster.

Offense: Over use of brakes in the paceline.
Devil: Hey man, lay off the brakes. Jesus! You ride like my Grandma.
Angel: You know it saves more energy and it’s more efficient to soft pedal when the pace lets up than to hit the brakes and then have to get back up to speed. Plus it gives the dude behind you more time to react to pace changes.

Offense: Eating or Drinking On The Front (my biggest pet peeve)
Devil: Hey man, what are you having a freakin’ picnic up there. A paceline is like a mullet. Work on the front. Party in the back.
Angel: Just to let ya know, it’s a little safer for the other riders to eat or drink when on the back on the group. Plus, it’ll keep the pace steadier.

Offense: Drifting and/or not holding their line
Devil: Hey boner, what are you sightseeing! Hold yer line!
Angel: (after figuring out why they’re drifting) Hey, I just noticed that every time you, (point out an obstacle, relax, take a drink, look to the left, scratch your nuts) you tend to drift to one side. It wasn’t that big a deal to me, but there’s a few other less experienced people out here that might not be able to react as quick and could end up touching wheels with ya.

Offense: Letting a gap go.
Devil: Close that shit up man!
Angel: Ya know, you’ll get a better draft, save more energy and the pace will be smoother if you get right up there within a few inches of that rear wheel and soft pedal to stay there. Maybe try to get within a foot and with time try to get even closer.

Being Yaroslav Popovich

Ride my wheel like a Tandem.  Don’t take a pull.  Let me know when you’re hurtin’.  When I pull through, I’ll make room and just move over with me.  Those were the loose rules when I convinced my wife, Mrs. Biker, to skip our planned noodle and instead ride with the regular Tuesday Night Rampage racer type ride out of the Lunken Airport terminal parking lot.  She’ll be the first to confess, work has infringed a bit on her race training.  She doesn’t consider herself race fit yet, and I was asking her to come out on with a group of mostly Cat 3/4 men.  She was hesitant in the least.  I quietly feared that I totally blown the opportunity for a good sunny warm chatty evening ride with my wife and now faced an argument looming somewhere on the Ohio River horizon between Cincinnati and New Richmond.  In the backs of our heads, I think we both knew she needed a good beatdown.  Success would bring confidence, a rare commodity when you’re off the back or last up the climb.  When she saw some people she knew in the parking lot, I could see her self doubt subside.  She clipped in, rolled out, like a champ.  I was Popo.  She my team leader.  She did it, crushed it with the testosterone fueled double paceline all the way out to New Richmond, a good 25 minute section at 26mph.  Proud doesn’t quite say it.  It was sweet A+ riding on her part.  I’ll take that over a podium step any day. 

It was testimony to riding smart, riding as a team, how someone obviously outmatched can equal the playing field, how one rider can protect another.  Sure we didn’t participate in the paceline the whole way out and back, but, this is road racing training.  We skipped pulls and sat on.  That’s the name of the game.  If you’re at a disadvantage, gain some advantage.  Make the other guy work harder.  She felt bad that the person behind us in the paceline had to come past an extra rider and the guy before us had to sit out in the wind long enough for two riders in tandem to come over.  Ah, they’re big boys, they can deal with it, I thought.  It’s good for them.  We’re doing our share.  We held the pace steady.  All they had to do was ride steady for an extra couple of seconds and all would be smooth.  Judging that we probably dropped 6-8 people on the way out, most stronger than Mrs. Biker, I think more new or less fit riders should learn how to sit on and ride smart. 

There’s an art to sitting on the back of the double paceline without disrupting the pace at the back or making the last rider have to overcome a gap.  When we sat-on, I positioned us just to the left of the last rider in the left-hand fall back line.  That way, when the last fall-back lane rider looked right to see when it was his turn to come over, he didn’t see us and confuse us for the last in line.  When that rider moved over to the pull line, we’d smoothly move up to hang left and back of the next rider in the fall back lane.  When our heart rates came down after 8 riders or so, we’d jump back in the paceline for another round.  Steady.  Strong.  Beautiful.

When we hit New Richmond and the pace slowed for the turn-around through the Ohio River views of its downtown, we looked back.  Whad’ya know (NPR), there was a handful of riders that could no doubt out ride her head to head, dropped from the group.  Mission accomplished.  Race confidence up.  Trust in hubby restored.  I’m so proud to be her Popo.