The Devil, The Angel & The Group Ride Blob

Look at Jerky Jane. She’s coasting & eating on the front of the paceline and everyone’s freaking stacking up behind her. Dufus up there keeps drifting to the left every time he reaches for a bottle. That dodgy dick needs to learn how to soft pedal and get off the brakes. Someone should tell that putz he doesn’t need to point and shout out every pebble in the road and just worry about the objects that could cause a problem. You want to say it. You’re chamois is in a bundle, but you don’t want to tip the testosterone test tube on a group ride. So you put up with it. Who’s the dufus now?

You. You Jerry are the dufus. (Seinfeld…when Elaine is running the catalog)

Bad bike habits left unchecked never change. In fact, they get more ingrained with time. It’s like The Blob, you gotta stop it now or it’ll overrun your group ride and vaporize everyone. Don’t be a dufus. You must stop the blob.

You could take the Devil approach, ride up next to the squirrel in question and say something like, “hey AD-Dufus stop looking at the cows and flowers and old barns and freaking on every crack in the road and toying with your computer and focus on something else like, I don’t know, how about maybe riding your bike in a straight line!” Unfortunately, that’ll get you an FU real quick.

Recently I gave a few tips to someone who committed a few group ride/pace line sins. They didn’t say FU. The response I got back was this, and I quote, “The words of advice are much appreciated.”

That’s quite a departure from an FU. How did I do it? I put ‘em in a figure-four leg lock and gave them cauliflower ears till they gave in. Really, I just took the Angel approach, waited till the right moment, kept it private and gave them constructive advice. For me, it was someone I knew fairly well, so I sent an email a day after the ride:

Dude,

I don't know if someone mentioned something to ya or not, but yesterday I noticed to that you tend to slightly speed up and slow down in the paceline. I'm sure you'd rather hear it from a buddy than getting hollered at by some jerk wad. So here's a one word tip for riding in the paceline. SMOOTH. Don't make any abrupt changes in speed. The person behind you is just inches from your wheel. If they touch your wheel and/or crash, they're going to blame you. Try to anticipate changes in the paceline’s speed. Keep your eyes ahead for little hills, obstacles, corners etc. Keep pedaling and take it easy on the brakes. Stay just slightly to one side of the wheel in front of you. That way, if the person in front of you slows down a bit, you can soft pedal and have room to react rather than touching the brakes or stop pedaling, which causes a chain reaction with the person behind you.

Your pal,

Joe

I waited till the day after, but the right moment can be when the ride slows down to a chatty noodle, during a natural break, or after the ride when folks are packing up and saying their goodbyes. Trick is to do it privately. It’s cycling, not an episode of The View where the girls grill Octo-mom. There’s no reason to air the dirty laundry in front of the group or for anyone else on the ride to chime in. That’ll make the offender feel like they’re being teamed up on. Just wait for a chilled out moment. Keep it private & constructive.

Here’s some common offenses and how to listen to the Angel on your shoulder:

Offense: Jacking The Pace
Devil: Quit jacking the pace on the front of the group you jag.
Angel: Ya know the person in front of you is having a hard time latching back on to the back after their pull. If ya keep the pace steady when you get to the front, they’ll have an easier time getting back on. Plus we won’t end up dropping ‘em and waiting for ‘em later. They’re a little weaker, so maybe take a longer pull instead of going faster.

Offense: Over use of brakes in the paceline.
Devil: Hey man, lay off the brakes. Jesus! You ride like my Grandma.
Angel: You know it saves more energy and it’s more efficient to soft pedal when the pace lets up than to hit the brakes and then have to get back up to speed. Plus it gives the dude behind you more time to react to pace changes.

Offense: Eating or Drinking On The Front (my biggest pet peeve)
Devil: Hey man, what are you having a freakin’ picnic up there. A paceline is like a mullet. Work on the front. Party in the back.
Angel: Just to let ya know, it’s a little safer for the other riders to eat or drink when on the back on the group. Plus, it’ll keep the pace steadier.

Offense: Drifting and/or not holding their line
Devil: Hey boner, what are you sightseeing! Hold yer line!
Angel: (after figuring out why they’re drifting) Hey, I just noticed that every time you, (point out an obstacle, relax, take a drink, look to the left, scratch your nuts) you tend to drift to one side. It wasn’t that big a deal to me, but there’s a few other less experienced people out here that might not be able to react as quick and could end up touching wheels with ya.

Offense: Letting a gap go.
Devil: Close that shit up man!
Angel: Ya know, you’ll get a better draft, save more energy and the pace will be smoother if you get right up there within a few inches of that rear wheel and soft pedal to stay there. Maybe try to get within a foot and with time try to get even closer.

Out Pippin’ The Pipper

After 40 miles of sweet chilled out rolling goodness, we crested the last riser. On the other side, Bromley Kentucky and the wooden sign that proves it. Beyond that, the usual easy 10 mile city cruise over the Ohio River and along the other shore to home. The thought was in my mind. Rolling with my favorite wingman, Tony, my wife and a guy from another team, I knew at least 3 out of 4 were thinking sprint. The guy from the other team, not familiar with our little ride, probably didn’t know about the sign. Plus, it was January and it was a chilled out just glad to be on the bikes type of ride. I decided not to sprint, not fair if there’s someone in the bunch that doesn’t know about it. Tony, usually sharing the same cyclo-ethics as I do, I guessed would do the same and just roll on through the sign. My evil wife on the other hand…

The pace stayed civil toward the climb. I led nearly up to it. On purpose of course, it would give me a position on the back to sprint from. It may be January, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn't be at least thinking like a bike racer. Tony took it to the top and pulled off. The guy from the other team, unknowing that a sprint sign loomed, took it down toward the line. I didn’t even look back under my arm to confirm that Tony wouldn’t go for it. He wouldn’t. Besides, he can outsprint me 9 out of 10 times from the front spot. 250 meters-ish. Downhill. I stayed on the hoods. 200. 150. 100. I remembered I had a Clif Bar in my pocket. 50. My wife pulls out and gives it for the sucker-pip! Dang! I launched to her wheel and around! 25! 3 wide at the front. 15-10. I threw my bike and got her by a half wheel. “Aw man,” she shouted in fun as she half heartedly banged her bars with her cute girl fist. I looked back and smiled.

Let her win? No way! I’m not an asshole. She simply wouldn’t want me to let her win and besides, I’ve seen her beat the boys all on her own, present company included. She’s a smart and strong rider and can hold her own. That’s being a good hubby. Sometimes we’ll get in cahoots and I’ll lead her out. That’s a blast. Other times, she’ll go for the line and I’ll take the wheel of anyone who follows so we at least go 1-2 or 1-3. Regardless, a pip is hardly a sprint. The pip and smile is the friendly sucker punch of cycling. From my wife, the pip says, I love you honey bunny. It puts that little sprinkle of sugar on a sour cold winter ride. However, what’s even sweeter is out pippin' the pipper.