The Leather Jersey: Who’s Cool Stages 10-15

For the first 9 stages, you were leaning towards Ted King for the overall, after his heroic attempt to make the time cut in the TTT with three broken testicles and his spleen hanging outside his jersey.  In Stages 10 through 15, some new contenders have emerged, like a one hander wheelie and a changing of the sprint guard.  Each stage of the tour we’ve been asking, “Who’s the coolest rider?”  It’s up to you to find the cool, a spirit you admire.  After this weekend we’ll know for sure.

When you join the daily conversation on Facebook, like or comment to be entered to win the Leather Jersey Prize package presented by Pearl Izumi and awarded randomly at the end of the tour which includes a GU Sample Pack and a pair of RoadIDs.

Let’s take a look back at stages 10 through 15 and who you thought was cool.

Stage 10 The Cold Shoulder

As the sprint launched going into the final corner, Cav and Argos Shimano leadout man Veelers tangled.  Cav finished 3^rd.  Vittel took the win.  Fingers pointed at Cav for deliberately riding through Veelers to make the corner on track with Greipel’s wheel.  Others cited Veelers for possibly impeding Cav’s line.  While I don’t agree with them, others said anything goes in the last 200 meters.  Personally, I saw Veelers flick his left elbow twice prior to peeling off the front of the train.  Maybe Cav didn’t see it, but that tells me Veelers at least tried to announce his intentions.  Neither gets the Leather Jersey on Stage 10.  We give it to the Argos Shimano teammates for stopping with the spatula to scrape the Veelers pancake off the tarmac.

Stage 11 What’s Cool in a Time Trial?

Sam Andy Schleck for pulling out an even more disappointing TT than we all thought him capable of!

If you fast forwarded to the last 10 riders, you would’ve missed the winning ride from Tony Martin 4 hours earlier.  Being obligated, he sat in the hot seat for well over 3 hours in the hot French sun waiting to take the stage win when the last rider Froome came up short.  While that was impressive, I’m going to give the Stage 11 Leather Jersey to Ten Dam.  I gravitate towards riders that turn themselves inside out, win or lose.  We spotted Ten Dam with a ten inch drool going from nose to mouth to chin to neck.  And for that incredible loogie, Ten Dam goes home in the Maillot Cuir on Stage 11.

Stage 12 Changing of the Guard

The top step of the podium seems shorter for sprinters.  In recent years we’ve seen Robbie McEwen, Ale Jet, and Boonen rise and fade.  On Stage 12 we got the first hint that Cav may have hit the crest of his wave, while Kittel stood up on his board and rode around Cav in a two-up battle.  Looking back in a few years, Stage 12 could be the day the sprint guard changed hands from Cav to Kittel.  For that we give Kittel and his Ivan Drago haircut the Leather Jersey.

Steven The Kittel boil over.

Stage 13 Honest Emotion

Darryn  Cav. He was so happy after winning that stage. Like a little kid.

With my boss, I always say there’s no middle ground.  It’s either great or it’s crap.  I think the same holds true for Cavendish.  It’s either a day like Stage 10 where you snatch a reporter’s recorder away, or it’s a heavenly harp glissando crowning achievement of glorious proportions.  Cav got his day on Stage 13 and he, like Jan Bakelants on his Stage 2 win, let the emotions flow as if this latest win was his first ever.  Raw emotion is always cool in my book, and for Stage 13 we pull the Leather Jersey over Cav’s shoulders.

Stage 14 Tofu in the Sun

You had no idea that Sojasun is Italian Tofu, until Julien Simon attacked a huge breakaway containing a few heavies like Jens Voigt, Tejay van Garderen and Marcus Burghardt.  It was a valiant attack.  You could hear his parents screaming at the TV as he threaded his way through the streets of Lyons lined 6 deep in Bastille weekend fans.  It was one of those pound the sofa and hide your eyes attacks, even if it didn’t make it.  You make Italian Tofu cool, and for that you get the Leather Jersey.

Stage 15 Sagan Wheelie

Jason He deserves leather for that wheelie!

This stage might be the one where you had the epiphany that Froome’s climbing attacking pedaling style resembles that of the motion you use when the sheets are tucked to tight at the foot of the bed.  However, we’re going to give the Leather Jersey to Sagan.  Not for the wheelie, not for the one hander, but for the one hander wheelie at the base of Mt. Ventoux directly in front of Team Sky at the front of the peloton.  When you go out the back, go out with a bang.

Ted   I'll see your sheet-kicking and raise you a sissy-fight between 10 year old siblings.

Share Your Ugly Jersey and Win: Extreme Jersey Makeover Contest p/b Pearl Izumi

Everyone Knows You're Top Banana!

I had to see it with my own eyes. The MS 150 Top Banana Jersey, awarded to participants who raise a huge amount of money for the National MS Foundation, was rumored to be one hideous piece of work. I put on my welders mask and prepared for the worst in my online search. After finding it, miraculously my eyes did not go bloodshot. It’s not THAT bad. Sure the tire tracks are a little cliché, but It only contains 2 of the below prerequisite characters of the ultimate ugly cycling jersey. It has yellow as a base color and commemorates an occasion. Then again, “Top Banana” does make me laugh at first and then, not so much…which meets criteria #5. Wait...wait a second.  Is that a giant smiling banana hidden in the yellow field?  Dear Lord it is!  So, the MS 150 jersey gets 4 out of 6 Mister Peanuts.  Still if I worked my butt off and raised a ton of money, I'd proudly sport this baby.  

The Baseline for Ugly Jerseys

What’s a Mister Peanut? It’s the most hideous cycling jersey in the world, the scale by which all ugly cycling jerseys are measured, and it’s mine all mine. Suck on that. Ever since I rode the back of a tandem with Mister Peanut (yes an accomplished cyclist in full 7-foot tall costume) as a leg of a cross country promotional tour designed to show the nation once and for all that peanuts are the ultimate energy food, this lovely gem has soiled the walls of my closet. It was worn once, for exactly 10 miles from Wauwatosa Wisconsin to Hales Corners. I worked at a radio station at the time, and believe it or not, broadcast live from the stoker seat with Mister Peanut’s peanuts in my face. It was a blast, until I got home and realized the Mister Peanut Jersey not only features "champion stripes" but also encapsulated all the prerequisites as the world’s most ugly jersey in the world:


1: Uses yellow base color
2: Features an obnoxiously large character/graphic
3: Oversized/Poorly Cut
4: The manufacturer of the jersey won’t even put its name on it
5: Make you laugh at first and then not so much
6: Commemorates a monumental cycling occasion or achievement

Click Here: See The New Styles from PI

Extreme Jersey Makeover Contest p/b Pearl Izumi

Pearl Izumi Launch LS

If you think you have a jersey that can measure up to the dreadful design and nasty nature of Mister Peanut, you can with this trendy, gorgeous, fast-looking Pearl Izumi Launch LS jersey in a size that flatters your physique. Yes, unlike most cycling jersey’s, there’s a women’s cut and it’ll make motorists spill gas and trip over the hose when you stop for Gatorade at the convenience store, take off your helmet and let your hair down. Valued at $80 it’s fitted, offers sun protection, great moisture wicking and being long sleeve is perfect for cool mornings and will look oh-so- pro on the cyclocross circuit. Click here to see the available colors that’ll compliment the Pearl Izumi shorts in your cycling closet.

Puke-a-licious

To win, show us your ugly jersey. Simply click this link and email a photo of that bad-tempered beast to the Best Bike Blog EVER. Put something like “jersey contest” in the subject line. Oh yeah, photos must include something personal to identify you as the poor sap that owns the jersey. Preferably that would be you actually wearing said jersey or, if you’re too embarrassed to have someone see you wearing it, your name written on masking tape attached to the jersey will do. We’ll pick the top 3 most offensive and let our readers judge the winner. 


Deadline for submissions is Friday August 26th, 2011 at Midnight. The week of August 29th we’ll draw the three finalists and let our readers pick the winner by popular vote by Midnight on Thursday, September 1st.

HTFU: Hoogerland The F Up Bracelet

Shocking.  Tragic. Heroic.  Hoogerland makes the yellow jersey winning break, scraps with Voeckler for KOM points over numerous mountain passes, gets hit by a car, rag-dolled into a fence, shredded by barbed wire, miracurously remounts his bike and only after getting dropped miles from the finish line makes the time cut to claim the polka dot jersey in tears on the Tour De France podium yesterday.  Holy Hoogerland!  You just took HTFU to a ho…nutha…level. 

Hoogerland is now synonymous with cycling heroism.  Horner you get a close second buddy.  We all have our limits where we’d turn our bib number into the official.  I DNF’d in May at the Mohican 100 because I felt exhausted.  Even though I felt helpless, I could still physically pedal and steer.  Yet I chose to climb in the car versus struggling through the next 15 miles.  Looking back, worst case it might’ve taken me 2 hours.  Still, I rationalized that I could not go on, my goal was gone.  It wasn’t worth it.  What was Hoogerland’s rationalization?  A polka dot jersey?  Here he is carved up like a thanksgiving turkey by a rusty fence.  He looks like he survived a biblical whipping post.  He knows he got hit by a car.  His chamois has a trap door.  Where were the hysterics?  The only tears I saw were ones of joy on the podium.  It was almost as if there were no other option but to go on. 

Over the weekend I read a story in Outside magazine about the new Spot brand rescue beacons which are being marketed to through-hikers and backwoods adventurers and the namby-pambies who’ve hit the rescue button because of cold toes or over exuberant snoring from tent mates.  You laugh, but how many times have you given up on a race because of something ridiculous like exhaustion, a spat of road rash, a broken pedal?  It’s no different.  In the light of Hoogerland, HTFU just got a lot harder.  Hooger The F Up is more like it. 

That’s why for the limited time price of $19.95 plus shipping and handling you can have your very own Hoogerland bracelet.  It’s stylishly polka dotted.  It cannot be cut with barbed wire and will always get you to the time cut in time to stand on the podium.  It’s guaranteed to shut off all processes of rational thought and will make sure you finish what you set out to do.  Wear the HoogerTFU bracelet for those days when you don’t want to ride because it’s too hot outside.  HoogerTFU!  Wear it as a reminder that you can walk home when you break a chain.  HoogerTFU!  Wear it as a reminder that as long as you have a heart beat, can pedal, see and steer that you’ll always finish your race.  

The TDF Leather Jersey Proposal

Obviously there’s some disagreement as to if Contador should not have attacked and/or waited after Schleck dropped his chain.  Some cried foul.  Others insist there are no gifts in the Tour De France.  There will never be any cut and dry rule.  We could spend the rest of our years debating the thin line between winning and sportsmanship, or we could award acts of heroism, respect and coolness in the Tour De France.  That’s why I propose a new jersey competition to stand atop the podium along with the yellow, green and polka dot.  Introducing: The Leather Jersey, Le Maillot Cuir.

There’s no argument that the world’s coolest person ever in the world is Arthur Henry Fonzarelli, aka The Fonz.  Modeled after Fonzie’s leather jacket from the hit TV show Happy Days, the Leather Jersey would be awarded each day to the points leader in the coolness competition.  Of course it’d be a faux black leather jersey, pleather if you will.  It’d have an authentic “thumbs up” silk screened on the back and topped up with an extra tall popped up collar.  The Leather Jersey would be sponsored by Ray Ban and come with a pair of cool guy Wayfarer sunglasses.  Fabian Cancellara, the coolest racer who resembles the Fonz the most, would award the jersey each day.  Instead of kissing, the podium girls would stand back, give a double thumbs up and say, "AAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!"

Points would be awarded to riders demonstrating acts of sportsmanship, heroism, respect, kindness and general coolness.  Double points would apply on extreme stages, such as those with Hors category climbs or on days when the weather is bad.

 

The Cool Points scale could look something like this:

2              Heroically making the time cut but coming in DFL

5              Offering water  food to a racer on another team

7              Helping unpile the bikes after a mass wreck

10           Checking to see if that dude that just rode off the cliff is moving down there

15           Waiting for or not attacking a rival who just suffered a mechanical or a crash

In a multiple jersey winning situation, instead of giving the lesser jersey to the runner up, the Leather Jersey would be worn layered in conjunction with the green, polka dot or yellow jersey.  This would be accomplished by awarding, for example a yellow jersey with an extra tall upturned black collar.  In Paris it would be an extra honor, showing the world that it is indeed possible to win with respect, integrity, sportsmanship, heroism, kindness and just being cool.

World Championship Stripes You’re In

Project Runway’s Heidi and Tim said it. “You’re in!” Club riders and amateur racers rejoice, its official. We all know they’re referring to World Championship stripes. Even though we’re fat and slow, according to international rules set forth during fashion week in Paris, you can now wear your World Championship stripes without fear of scrutiny or scorn from fellow cyclists. A full explanation is below. The World Championships of Cyclocross are coming to Louisville in 2013, with Masters Worlds in 2012 and 2013. The stripes are now fair game in North America.

Traditionally, we talk behind the backs of those who wear the coveted stripes while riding without earning them. Who does he think he is, Paolo Bettini? I on the other hand, do own rainbow striped clothing, but enough about my Mork and Mindy suspender fetish. I also own a pair of Sock Guy World Championship striped socks…and they’re coming out of the closet! Hellooooo! The World Championships are coming to town, officially making it cool to wear your rainbow striped apparel till at least 2013. This of course is according to the exception listed in section 32, paragraph 4a of the International Cycling code of conduct regarding fashion which reads: “only current or former world champions should wear the rainbow stripes while riding, except when the World Championships are on the continent of your residences, then, and only during non-competitive events, it’s fair game beotches!” Tripple snap on that sista.

However, let it be known that World Champ clothing isn’t always flattering. On gloves, hats and socks, white with rainbow stripes can look pretty dang dapper. However, put them horizontally on a white jersey, and the object in the mirror starts looking like it has a giant rear. Sadly, come 2012 and 2013, a few people will leave Louisville having accomplished the goal of a lifetime albeit looking like a newly stuffed rainbow striped sausage from their country of origin. Bert Grabsch say what? Heidi Klum and the fashionistas are correct. Dark and vertical striped clothing makes you look thinner, because certainly white and horizontal stripes make Cadel Evans look like he had too much vegemite during the off season.

Number Pinning For Dummies

Barry Wicks ain’t no dummy. I’ve searched the internet and in my entire cycling life, I have only seen one example of this genius number pinning technique. Back then, I was too green to have the epiphany I had Sunday. Over the weekend at the Cincinnati UCI-3 International Cyclocross Festival, more specifically at Harbin Park, the Kona truck was parked behind me. As I rolled back and leaned my bike against my car after my race, Barry Wicks was inside the Kona truck pinning on his bib number and I nearly crapped my chamois, not because I was star struck or because I saw his schmengie (I did not), but because I saw how pro’s pin their numbers.

I’ve have a teammate that nearly reaches a near Tourettes syndrome nervous tick trying to get his number pinned on correctly. Sometimes the number accidently gets pinned through the base layer. Sometimes it goes a bit deeper. “Ouch! “Sorry Brother.” “I’m good.”

Sometimes you get the number on perfectly, only to have a pin blow out when the jersey is pulled in. Or, maybe you’ve got a lycra-phobic friend who isn’t quite cool with delicately touching a man in spandex. I’ve heard all the tips: put your jersey on the hood of the car, you got to leave room for jersey stretch…blabidty blabidty blah blah.

I wish I had taken a photo of Wicks pinning his numbers to his jersey. Then again, it’s not cool for a man to take a photo of another man who’s about to don spandex. And…he’s bigger than me. So, I took a photo of myself to demonstrate this technique. Behold my children:

Maybe it’s something secret you only learn after a pro hazing or written on a flyer when your pro license arrives in the mail. Maybe I’ll be lynched by Lance Armstrong for sharing this with mere amateurs. But, I’m going to lay it on you anyway.

There’s a number of ways to get to the point in the photo. I did not see how Barry got his jersey or skinsuit around his legs. As far as I can figure, you can zip up your jersey part way, and then pull it on your legs with your feet going through the arm-holes till the body of the jersey comes up over your quads. Or you can zip your jersey around your upper legs, skipping your feet in the arm holes, and then twist the jersey around your legs till the back is facing up and the zipper is down. Or if it's a skinsuit, maybe just pull it on backwards so the back lies on your upper thighs. Now the jersey/skinsuit is pre-stretched to the approximate dimensions of your upper body and you can precisely pin it so that when you put it on your upper body, your number will be flat and perfect every time. At least you’ll look pro. And, please don’t tell anyone I told you this or I could get man-slapped by a gang of skinny bean-armed pro cyclists.

Check out Barry Wicks Blog "Wick Nasty" by clicking here.

Fix It: Broken Cycling Jersey Zipper

Ka-bloop! Zip! Ka-bloop! Zip! So there I was at the table, my jersey zipper unable to cover up the spare tire. Ka-bloop! Maybe it was a sign. Maybe I’ve spent too much time reading the Fat Cyclist blog and not enough time riding. My jersey zipper broke during a post-ride lunch at Paxton’s revealing my untanned and untamed tiger trail exposed for all of Loveland to see. The little metal piece at the start of the zipper fell off somewhere. Great. I was THAT guy. Mom's covered their children's eyes. Eventually, I was able to zip it and roll the lower part of my jersey to keep El Gutto in check, for at least another 20 minutes. Then I got on my bike. Ka-bloop! Dammit. My riding buddies were quick to tell me that Widmers, the local dry cleaning chain, could fix it or I could send it back to Verge. At home, I had a stroke of genius.

In the laundry room were a few recent race bib numbers, still with their safety pins in them. The curve at the top of the pin that holds the pointy business-end caught my eye. It was the right length and, if cut in half, could simply be pinched on to my zipper to replace the little metal piece that fell off. Brilliant!

I broke out the wire clippers and snipped the curved piece in half. I slide the metal piece over the end of the zipper and crimped it with pliers. (photo shows an original jersey zipper on the left and my fix-it job on the right) Wah-freaking-lah! I zipped up. Zipped down. Zipped up. Zipped down. It worked to perfection. That's something to keep in mind in case of a race day blowout.

Facebook Friday: What's THAT In Your Jersey Pocket?

It’s Facebook Friday on The Best Bike Blog Ever*. Every Thursday Facebook friends answer a burning cycling related question and every Friday the answers are posted here. If you’d like to join the fun, send a friend request with a note about “Facebook Friday” via the facebook link on the right side-bar. Today’s question is:

It's not a tool, money, ID or key...What is the oddball thing that you must carry on your ride?

ERIC:

My sarcastic wit

MARTY:

I rode Mohican with my recently deceased cat’s picture mounted to my handlebar! Moe-hican I called it...

BRIDGET:

Wet naps.

SHANNON:

Don't know about oddball, but I carry a very tattered photo of me and my daughter from when she was about three months old. It's a talisman.

KATE:

Chapstick and Tums.

SUSAN:

An old short pencil wrapped with 3-4 feet of duck tape. Ya never know. Usually I use a piece of it at least twice for something on a ride every year. In 98 we used it in W. Virginny to stabilize my friend's dislocated shoulder and ride (slowly) back to the car.

RYAN:

A pen and a little note pad so I can write down license plate numbers on the fly, Would carry a 9mm, but then I'd be in jail.

JAMES:

A Holga camera — it's lightweight and makes everything you shoot look 30 years old.

Cling Wrap Pants

You know you’re a forty year old athlete when…you forget your pants.  This is the third time for me in as many weeks.  Maybe it’s an early sign.  Three out of the last five times I’ve brought clothes to go running from work, I’ve forgot my running tights.  I know there’s a difference between tights and pants but, the word “pants” seems to fit better and it’s funnier.  Pants.  See?  It’s been less than 25 degrees out each of those days I planned on running over lunch at work.  Needless to say, some sort of leg covering is sort of necessary.  I’m not a card carrying member of the Polar Bear Club.  I don’t garner any sadistic tough guy feeling from cold franks and beans (There’s Something About Mary).  While it’s only temporary and personally embarrassing, there’s still shrinkage to consider.

“Son of a!” is my usual exclamation.  This phrase is usually uttered after three complete inventories of the contents of my backpack while bending over berries in the breeze in the employee restroom.  That is then followed by the horrific thought that if I forgot my tights, I might have forgot to lock the door.  I turn to check.  Fhew!  Then I laugh wondering what if someone outside the bathroom door heard me say “son of a!”  Then I chuckle inside wondering what if someone outside heard me laughing in the bathroom.  Then there’s a brief thought of actually going outside in 17 degree weather with only shorts to protect Johnson and the Nuggets.  So far, I’ve had better sense.  I guess if you’re driving through Cincinnati’s Eden Park when it’s sub 25 degrees outside and see me running bare legged that I have taken the step into senility and you’re welcome to shout “hey dufus, put on some pants” from your car window.    

With this track record, I know that it will be cold again in the coming weeks; I will want to go for a run over lunch; I will forget my pants again.  So, like a kid with idiot straps on his mittens, I need to prepare for my own stupidity.  Since I obviously don’t have the brain power at seven o’clock in the morning to remember seven items of clothing, I could write a list: socks, shoes, tights, shorts, long sleeve shirt, hat, and jacket.  I could bring a spare set of winter running clothes and leave them in a cabinet.  Or, there’s always the Glad Cling Wrap in the employee kitchen, if I could trust myself to remember to put my work pants back on before I walk down the hallway.