Monday, July 11, 2011

HTFU: Hoogerland The F Up Bracelet

Shocking.  Tragic. Heroic.  Hoogerland makes the yellow jersey winning break, scraps with Voeckler for KOM points over numerous mountain passes, gets hit by a car, rag-dolled into a fence, shredded by barbed wire, miracurously remounts his bike and only after getting dropped miles from the finish line makes the time cut to claim the polka dot jersey in tears on the Tour De France podium yesterday.  Holy Hoogerland!  You just took HTFU to a ho…nutha…level. 

Hoogerland is now synonymous with cycling heroism.  Horner you get a close second buddy.  We all have our limits where we’d turn our bib number into the official.  I DNF’d in May at the Mohican 100 because I felt exhausted.  Even though I felt helpless, I could still physically pedal and steer.  Yet I chose to climb in the car versus struggling through the next 15 miles.  Looking back, worst case it might’ve taken me 2 hours.  Still, I rationalized that I could not go on, my goal was gone.  It wasn’t worth it.  What was Hoogerland’s rationalization?  A polka dot jersey?  Here he is carved up like a thanksgiving turkey by a rusty fence.  He looks like he survived a biblical whipping post.  He knows he got hit by a car.  His chamois has a trap door.  Where were the hysterics?  The only tears I saw were ones of joy on the podium.  It was almost as if there were no other option but to go on. 

Over the weekend I read a story in Outside magazine about the new Spot brand rescue beacons which are being marketed to through-hikers and backwoods adventurers and the namby-pambies who’ve hit the rescue button because of cold toes or over exuberant snoring from tent mates.  You laugh, but how many times have you given up on a race because of something ridiculous like exhaustion, a spat of road rash, a broken pedal?  It’s no different.  In the light of Hoogerland, HTFU just got a lot harder.  Hooger The F Up is more like it. 

That’s why for the limited time price of $19.95 plus shipping and handling you can have your very own Hoogerland bracelet.  It’s stylishly polka dotted.  It cannot be cut with barbed wire and will always get you to the time cut in time to stand on the podium.  It’s guaranteed to shut off all processes of rational thought and will make sure you finish what you set out to do.  Wear the HoogerTFU bracelet for those days when you don’t want to ride because it’s too hot outside.  HoogerTFU!  Wear it as a reminder that you can walk home when you break a chain.  HoogerTFU!  Wear it as a reminder that as long as you have a heart beat, can pedal, see and steer that you’ll always finish your race.  

1 comment:

James Billiter said...

I just heard this joke on EuroSport:
"Superman wears Johnny Hoogerland pajamas to bed."