




Dear Joe Biker,
Your ass is colossal.
Love,
Fizik Arione
Is it a sign that I actually “got some back?” That’s a photo of the underside of my Fizik Arione wing flex Ti railed saddle. It’s cracked, humorously perpendicular to where my crack would be. I didn’t crash, nor did Jackie Chan karate chop it. Even though I haven’t been a fan of the Arione, I did not beat it with a baseball bat so I could rationalize another new bike part to my wife. I was “just riding along” and broke it with my own enormous arse.

However, if there were a warranty left on this 3 to 4 year old saddle, I’m pretty sure it would not cover slamming my massive booty into it while bunny-hopping a double set of railroad tracks at probably 30mph. It was a nasty set of tracks at the bottom of the hill somewhere northeast of Cincinnati, out in the rollers between Loveland and I’m guessing Goshen. You know the type of tracks, ones where the asphalt is all topsy-turvy, the wood is rotten between the tracks and the uneven surface jiggles your arms like a handshake with a WWE wrassler no matter which line you pick to ride across. So, I opted for flying. I figure, the name Arione must have something to do with being airborne. In fact, Fizik does brand the saddle as having “wing flex” technology. For the record, I cleared ‘em…on a carbon Jamis Xenith road bike. Upon reflection, I’m glad I left the beefy winter Thompson seat post in, or I might still be picking shards of carbon out of my taint and hamstrings.

I kind of heard a whump when my immense caboose made contact, but the saddle held up. Remarkably, I got three more rides in before the crack I inflicted finally worked its way completely through the shell. Note to self: “wing flex” and “Arione” have nothing to do with flying. Road bikes are meant to stay in contact with the road. While I thought about keeping it as a trophy of my particularly spectacular bunny-hop, I tossed it ceremoniously in the shop trash bin. I replaced it with a swanky new orange Fizik Aliante that’s all matchy-matchy. Butt bling.
Blogger note: this is the 100th post of The Best Bike Blog Ever*. Thanks for reading.

Big men don’t cry. They don’t walk either. They insist on Flanders Big Mama brand bicycle chains.
Big Mama is built with GX45 cold forged steel, recycled from bridges, tanks and locomotives destroyed in the Flemish battlefields of WW2. Big Mama may rust, but Big Mama won’t bust.

Big Mama bike chains feature 2.5 mm armored side plates and pins as big as your pinky. All Flanders Big Mama chains are hand built in Belgium in the dead of winter by slamming each individual pin into the linkage with a cobble from the Koppenberg.
When you absolutely need to make it up the hill or risk being dropped from the lead group and left wondering where in the F*** your team car is, ask your local bike shop for Flanders Big Mama chains, available in either the standard 4000g or the superlight 3750g version.
Big Mama may not be light, but it’s better than carrying your bike. When you want to freight train, buy the chain made from freight trains.
Flanders Big Mama Bike Chains.
It was dinner time. Just coming out of hibernation of a relatively cyclist free winter, the bridge was hungry that day my friend. Like the foul breath of a sleeping monster, you could feel the warm wet wind rush through. Lying in wait for the perfect prey, the bridge let four pass its jaws before it set its starved eyes on Jimmy, the young meaty looking one. Right away, the bridge could tell that Jimmy was different. Obvious from the hundred yard approach, Jimmy’s shorts were black with no logos. Jimmy's jersey was grey and baggy, making him appear plumper and juicier. Oblivious to the hunger pangs of the bridge, Jimmy was marked before his rubber met the wood. Doomed.

The bridge could see that Jimmy’s handlebars weren’t quite as steady as the others on the approach. Jimmy had a new bike, a beautiful Trek Madone. Having ridden it for only a few weeks, Jimmy was still getting used to the racy feel, the Madone being more twitchy than a steady cyclocross our mountain bike. Jimmy saw the first four enter the bridge on the right. Probably guessing he should give the others some room, he stuck left. Jimmy knew the bridge had gaps between the planks, but Jimmy didn’t know what the others took for common knowledge. Probably being hand-built, the plank widths weren’t uniform. The widest deck planks were about three feet right of center. The bridge drew another foul breath and opened its jaws.

Jimmy entered the uphill appoach which placed him on a 10 inch wide plank. Like a skilled rider, Jimmy knew the bike will follow the eyes. Concentrating, Jimmy looked ahead down the bridge. However, since he was entering on a hill, he had not seen the first few feet of the bridge's deck. Jimmy’s mountain biking logic betrayed him. Jimmy didn’t see that the plank he had entered on was thinner than the others, broken and narrowed to only 6 inches at the other end. With an unsteady twitch of the new Madone’s front end, he veered toward the abyss, a five to six inch gap in the bridge deck. Jimmy’s wheel dipped. Jimmy’s bike flipped. Jimmy nearly s*&%, but Jimmy bit back. Literally. With a big bone shattering chomp that echoed through the gaping mouth of the covered bridge, Jimmy bit that bridge with enough force to break his front tooth. (Look closely at photo. That's Jimmy's blurry tongue poking between his front teef)

For more history on the Hungry Covered Bridge read this previous entry titled "When It's Okay To Bail Mid-Ride"