Soigneur For Hire

Excerpt From CyclingNews.com

Ka-rack!  Lightning struck the high rise condo building which looms over our backyard along the Ohio River.  While I was sort of disappointed my wish didn’t come true and Thor once again missed the ugly dead tree in our neighbor’s overgrown yard, I was happy to be taking care of domestics.  I’m my own soigneur. 

Domestics is a term coined by a former teammate, a civil way of saying, “I’ve named the dust bunnies in my living room.”  He used it as a reason he couldn’t ride, but think he had it sort of backwards.  I save the domestics for when I can’t ride, like last night.  That’s what cyclists do when it rains.  In a sport that more or less depends on fair weather to enjoy, there’s a reason to smile when it rains.  While it may be close to crawling away on its own, the VW Beetle sized pile of dirty clothes at the foot of your bed isn’t going to wash itself.

I wrangled the recyclables and cleaned the cat boxes.  It was 5:45pm.  With black clouds creeping closer, raindrops tapped on the windows.  Normally on a Tuesday, I’d be filling water bottles and searching for the ever elusive taillight.  Like a bad friend cancelling a date, the rain waits to fall 30 minutes before the group ride starts.  At least I saw it coming on radar.  I had an hour or more to kill before there’d even be a chance to clip in.

Click Here to see more sweet Trail Runners from Pearl Izumi

As the Channel 9 meteorologists advised people in the northern suburbs to take their “tornado safe place” over footage of flood water pouring down Eden Park’s public steps, I man-sorted jeans & t-shirts, whites and delicates into three relatively separate piles.  I found my long lost Smithwick socks under the bed.  Back upstairs, I emptied the dishwasher.  Looking back at the TV and using my superior storm tracking cycling senses, I saw a break between storms and deduced I had about a 40 minute window.  Not long enough for a ride, so I stuffed a load in the washer and tied the laces on my Pearl Izumi Peak II’s.  By the time I'd come back from back from my run, it'd be perfect timing to get the load in the dryer.  On the way out for a flat 5k, I wheeled the recycling to the curb.  While I’ll never go pro, I’d have a solid career as a pro cycling team soigneur.

Endurance Training for a Flexible Spending Account

I’m completely prepared to give an elephant a bath.  Thanks to cycling, I found that I have mustered the strength and flexibility necessary to tackle just about any mundane task imaginable like washing an elephant or wrestling receipts for the “wonderful” employee benefit of being able to pay for Tylenol with pre-tax dollars from my Flexible Spending Account.  The concept even gives me a headache and coincidently another receipt to file for next year. 

It’s not spinning on the trainer under the buzz of florescent lights in the garage that gives me the real headache in winter.  It’s the once a year chores.  Especially being a more creative personality, anything to do with math or planning might as well be gearing up for a 6 Hour marathon mountain bike race or using a mop as a Q-tip on an elephant ear.  Below is my Honey Do list from last week.  If it weren’t for cycling, I would never have crossed #3 off my list.

Honey Do:

1) Fix the shelf in the closet

2) Consolidate old employer 401(k) plans into one account

3) Submit receipts for the Flexible Spending Account

For me, "submit receipts for the FSA" might as well be wash the elephant.  While it appears soap and water simple, I know that first I’ll need to go to the hardware store and buy a hose, a 10 foot extended spray nozzle, 3 gallons of soap, a mop, an assortment of brushes and a colossal bag of peanuts.  That’s way before I forgot that I’ll need a step ladder, a garbage can for a bucket and a set of waders. 

And while this appears to have nothing to do with cycling, submitting an FSA claim takes every bit of concentration and minute of endurance built of from years of riding bicycles to get through it.  Here’s what “Submit receipts for the FSA” really means:

1) Go through a pile of receipts.  They’re in the file cabinet.  Well, there are some in the basket on the counter.  Oh yeah, there’s one in my car.  Don’t forget about the one in the armoire.

2) Make more coffee.  Turn off the crappy Sunday Morning TV and put on some music.

3) Spread everything out on the dining room table.  See if the items on the receipt meet the requirements of the FSA account.  Go to the pantry and get out the magnifying glass to read the microscopic font on the receipt.  Remember that the FSA company revised the rules and now prescription medications require the name of the drug be written on the receipt.   Drive to the pharmacy and kindly ask them to re-print the receipt with the drug name.  Stop to fill up for gas because you filled the prescription at the pharmacy nearest the doctor’s office which is on the complete opposite side of town.

4) Make lunch at dining room table.  Spill mustard on 3 receipts.

5) After dabbing receipts with paper towel, translate each acceptable item from each receipt to a line on the form.  You did print out the form from your employer’s website didn’t you?  “The laptops in the office honey!”  You do remember the user name and password for the website that you visit once a year?  You do know the answers to the security questions in case you can’t remember your password?  You still have the email account that you used to originally set up the account?  Plug in the computer because batteries are running low.  Dig user name and password out of benefits folder in file cabinet.

6) Turn on the dining room table light.  Translate each acceptable item from each receipt to a line on the form. 

7) Photocopy everything while watching the nightly news.

8) Go to the store to buy more ink cartridges for the office printer.

9) Copy the last page and sign the form.

10) Put it in an envelope and mail it.  Dammit!  Go to the post office for envelopes and stamps over lunch at work on Monday.

Suddenly a century, a stage race or the Mohican MTB 100 doesn’t seem so hard.