Monday, January 12, 2009

American Idle Workout

You got a suspected doper, a loudmouth who calls out all your faults, a skinny guy who tries to hold the group together and a guy who’s uses worn out phrases in every vocalization….pothole dawg.  It’s a typical breakaway group.  Tuesday night I’m riding with Paula, Randy, Simon and Ryan.  It’s the American Idol 2009 premiere and your chance to be more active than the billion or so real American idles who’ll watch the show growing a root in the sofa under a trough full of raspberry chocolate chip delight.  Below is a spinning trainer workout I’ve painstakingly created in 14.2 seconds that you can do on a bicycle trainer, a treadmill, elliptical or any other fitness apparatus you can stick in front of the TV.  It’s a two hour show, so mix it up if the thought of two hours on a bike trainer makes you urk up a puke.  Do an hour and fifteen minutes on the bike and a 45 minute run.  Print it off, take it to the gym, give it to your spinning instructor or bring it to your home torture chamber Tuesday night.  I tried to make it winter/spring friendly, meaning its more strength and endurance based.


No doubt the first 5-10 minutes of the American Idol Season 8 Premiere before the first commercial break will relive past Idol shows, total train wreck performances and setting up where they are filming now blah-blah-blah.  Start spinning or walking and ramp yourself into a nice endurance type effort.  Take this pace into the first commercial break.


During commercials drop the tempo down to recovery mode, but get ready.  When the Fox promos come on (commercials that tease upcoming FOX shows and the local nightly newscast) up the tempo to 80 percent.  Chances are you’ll get nice little 3 minute recovery followed by a 20-60 second hard effort tempo intervals in every break, kind of like coming to the front of the paceline.  Be aware and pay attention, sometimes they’ll run commercials, a promo, another commercial and more promos. 


When the show comes back on, endure the show in endurance mode, a 75% effort, with the below exceptions.   


During the show, whenever Randy says “dawg,” Paula says something stupid that sounds Vicadin induced, or Simon slams someone; you’re down for a 30 second hard tempo effort.  Just like during the commercial break promos, think of a turn at the front of the paceline or running over a little riser on your neighborhood run.  These are most likely to occur during judging.  If that’s the case, they could add up, so start your hard effort after the last judge is done speaking.  You could be down for up to a one and a half minute effort.  For example, when the singer really does actually sing well and Randy says, “yo dawg that was so money and you don’t even know it,” you’re in for 30 seconds.  Then Paula might say sniffling “you make me weep…you…are what this competition is all about.”  Now you’re in for a full minute, as long as Simon agrees.


No doubt some time during Idol they’ll play cuts of some numb nut with something barely identifiable as a song spewing from their word hole.  When they play, you pay.  For the duration of the dufus, you’re up and out of the saddle in a big hill climbing gear or, if you’re on a treadmill, change the angle to “death march” mode.  Be aware that a Token Dufus might be followed by a quip from one of the judges.  If that’s the case, you might be cranking up the effort during the last part of that death march.


Probably with about 10 minutes left in the show, they’ll take a look back, replay the highlights, and tease the next episode.  You’re day is done at the 1:50 mark, cool down.


jaden said...

Bravo- you have almost peaked my interest in suffering through an episode of American Idol by suffering even worse on the trainer.

StevenG said...

I'll never look at you the same

Q102Briand said...

Joe...Loved your Idle :-) workout! I have my fingers crossed that I will be able to talk tomorrow on the radio and I am doing tv during the fox19 630p news too.

Hope to see your smilin face tomorrow thanks for the note!

MitchG said...

Makes Stamsted's "staring at a white wall for 5 hours" trainer rides sound appealing.

Joe Biker said...

You guys are so full of crapola...I know y'all like watching a good train-wreck as much as I do. The first night of Idol is like a two hour total derailment. Besides, you have to cut me and Brian D some slack, watching Idol is work for us!

I'll be the first to admit that I couldn't pull off the Stamsted white wall workout without becoming an anti-social axe wielding freak. Besides the races we do are more crazy like Idol than white-out lunatic crazy.

See previous blog post "Riding with Axe Murderers":

For more on the man, the solo myth, the Iditasport legend of the man they call Stamsted who once graced Cinti area trails read more at the mountain biking hall of fame:

MTBCXGirl said...

This is what the legend is up to:

He is mentally one of the strongest athletes out there...if not the strongest?!