My Man Crush & the Holy Trinity of Cycling

Back of Cavendish, Full-On Fabian 2010 TOC

You’ve seen the video, heard the stories and all of sudden Sasquatch’s thick matted fur is all up in your grill so close you crinkle your nose and squint your eyes at the Yeti stench.  Yeah.  Mmmph.  You urk back a little puke and say to yourself, “That’s a beautiful Big Foot.”  Seeing Fabian Cancellara and Tom Boonen up close is sort of like seeing Sasquatch, only you’ve never stood on the couch cushions shouting as Sasquatch grits his teeth and pounds the pedals under the red kite with the contorted faces of those he’s dropping in view between his 4 day beard and his shoulder.  I saw Boonen, Cancellara and Hincapie together last year at the tour of California.  My wife blasted me for my giddiness as I angled the camera to capture all three in the same photo.  To her I looked like a tween snapping photos at a Justin Bieber concert.  To me, I was witnessing a cycling holy trinity. 

Stay Thirsty My Friends

Quite a few women read this blog.  While some of you may want to have mad wild Belgian/Swiss RV sex with Tomeke or Fabian after the finish of this weekend’s E3 and Gent-Wevelgem, man crushes are nothing like that.  Let it be clear, I do not want to boom with Boonen.  I don’t want Cancellara to wear my ring on a chain around his neck.  A man crush is nothing sexual or gay.  A man crush is something of appreciation, like seeing the perfection in the Brawny paper towel guy’s beard, admiring the timelessness of Dos Equis’ Most Interesting Man in the World, or the suaveness of the Old Spice guy.  Advertisers are well aware of this.  Dos Equis, Brawny and Old Spice would be out of business if a video ever surfaced of Heidi Klum cleaning the bathroom counter with a Brawny paper towel, a Dos Equis beer in the other hand and a stick of Old Spice in view on the cabinet. 

Beautiful, yes.  But, what The hell Am I looking at?

The emotion behind a man crush is why grown men’s mouths gape and eyes rise in wonder at the cornerstone of the Empire State Building.  It’s why men marvel at the bland smooth concrete massiveness of the Hoover Dam and insist on “popping the hood” and peering at the engine of a Ferrari.  It has nothing to do with understanding the engineering principals behind these wonders.  It’s simply the sight of pure blunt-force perfection.    It’s man beauty.

Stoic Boonen 2010 Tour of California

I think that’s what I see in Boonen and Cancellara.  I saw both of them in person, together at the start of the Big Bear state of the Tour of California.  Boonen, minutes later would drop out of the race.  Cancellara would be pack fodder.  It didn’t matter.  Like the great pyramids and Notre Dame Cathedral, their cache of wins and hard-guy moments earns them a timeless respect.   Conversely Frank Schleck winning the Criterium International did nothing for me.

Home Movie: 2010 Tour of California EPIC Big Bear Stage

Finally our film is back from the developer and now The Blest Blike Blog Bleva presents an exclusive real life color moving picture of the 2010 Tour of California EPIC Big Bear Mountain Stage, starring: Quick Step's Tom Boonen, Saxo Bank's Fabian Cancellara, BMC's George Hincapie, the HTC-Columbia Manx Missle played by Mark Cavendish and two dudes dressed up like astronauts on bikes.  Order some popcorn, enjoy then fan us on Facebook at right!

You’re Sooo Fat, Compared to Janez Brajkovic

Women were floored.  Self loathing quickly followed.  No one went for seconds on the brownies and ice cream.  I was not immune either.  While at a barbecue yesterday watching the Janez Brajkovic Athlete Profile on the Versus coverage of the Critérium du Dauphiné, the room was shocked to learn that Brako is 5’10” and weighs 127 pounds, not kilos.  I’ll let that register for a second or two.  One.  Two.  Brako is five foot ten inches tall and weighs a scant one hundred twenty seven pounds.  Ahhhh!  There’s the look on your face.  You haven’t been that light since (insert awkward adolescent moment here.)  Okay.  Pick your jaw up off the floor because you're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.  Yes, a man weighs less than you, is faster, stronger and way more fit.  Tripple snap and deal with it sista.

Janez Brajkovic of Team Radio Shack won the Critérium du Dauphiné yesterday.  Bracko is a strong man, albeit a baby-faced blush-cheeked man from Slovenia with better teeth than Contador.  Contador, despite the pistol whippin’, wins the sideburn contest.  I was at a barbecue with way more women than men yesterday.  Lesbian or straight, the news still stung a bit.  You could almost hear the gears spinning in their heads, “well I’m 5’6” and I weigh…never mind what I weigh…I gotta try not to look shocked…oh crap…I look shocked…more Sangria please!”  I was not immune either, except I’m not afraid to show the weight on my driver’s license.  Bracko is 2 inches shorter and 35 pounds lighter than me.  Oh bujeebus.  Pass the grilled asparagus.


So we're all fat, compared to Janez Brajkovic.  Well he's Slovenian.  Maybe he grew up with sisters that aspired to be Eastern European gymnasts.  It's possible.  Maybe the food truck stops at Boonen's house in Belgim and Cancellara's house in Switzerland before making it to the estate of Brajkovic with whatever is left over.  Maybe McDonalds doesn't have a franchise in Slovenia.  Fat Chance.  Here's the site.  (For Pulp Fiction Fans, a Big Mac is still a Big Mac in Slovenia.)  Slovenia borders the Adriatic Sea on the southwest, Croatia on the south and east, Hungary  on the northeast, and Austria on the north, which completely explains why most Americans can’t find Slovenia on a map, until you add that Slovenia borders Italy on the west.  I like to call Bracko the FASTest guy in SLOvenia.  I'm also an idiot.

So there’s no excuse.  You’re fatter than Brako.  If you want to do something about it, you do have a few choices.  You can gravitate toward things where being overweight offers an advantage like hosting a daytime talk show.  Holla Wendy!!!  You could play first base for the Milwaukee Brewers, ala Prince Fielder.  Or, if you’re really spoke-bent on being a better cyclist, you can eat a little smarter and train a little better… because you're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it; you can climb like Bracko if you put your mind to it.  

Facebook Friday! What Was Tom Boonen Thinking at the Tour of California?

Did he leave the Belgian Waffle maker on?  At the Tour of California, I caught Tom Boonen in a David Putty moment.  You remember that episode of Seinfeld.  Elaine and her blockhead boyfriend are on a flight and he’s staring at the seatback in front of him for hours.  Before the Big Bear stage Tomeke was having a man moment at the start in Palmdale, staring off into space.  According to the Amgen TOC twitter feed, he dropped out 45 minutes after this photo was taken.  So what was on the Belgian National Champion’s mind?  We asked you?

It’s Facebook Friday on The Best Bike Blog Ever.  Every week we ask our FB likers and followers a question and post the comments on the blog.  Click here to join the fun next week.

This week’s question: What is Tom Boonen thinking about in this photo?

Geoff

Forget the coke, the medical pot they have here in cali is like so awesome, mmm, mellow.

Mark

"dang those guys on those cool Specialized bikes, I really miss my custom made frame"

Tim

I really hope the Fatburger and Skinnyfries I had last night stay down today.

Scott M

Nu, waar kan ik terecht voor een supermodel en paar lijnen van coke?

Scott B

" damn, Lady Gaga and that exploding bra, you don't see that in Flanders everyday"

Dan

"If I give him the evil eye, maybe Floyd won't rat me out too."

Corey

What color should I paint the living room?

Jerry

Gotta Remember...shift to the easy gear before the hill.

Charley

Friggin roadies, why didn't I take up mountain biking?

Darryn

"If I have enough left after this race I'm totally going to win those pretzels at Ault Park (Cincinnati’s weekly crit series)."

Polly

Why am I in Lycra? I could be a real man out here in the mountains, just me and a navigator's bone ruler, some Fort Knox sunglasses, moccasins and that rugged American woman who once put a black widow on my head after making love, she could kill me with a look...

Bridget

"Should I pee now or can I hold it?

The Pro Cycling Autograph Match Game

More giddy than a 12 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert, my eyes ping-ponged from the tour buses to the sign-in chart at the start of the Big Bear Climb stage of the Tour of California in Palmdale.  Catching swag in front of the Radio Shack bus, I caught a glimpse of the Belgian champs jersey rolling by.  Tomeke!  He stopped to talk to a friend and, nearly peeing my pants, I ran up and nervously asked for an autograph.  I could never be a cycling reporter.  I'm too starstruck.  Hincapie, Cavendish, Spartacus...my heros of Flanders and Paris Roubaix were all about me.  I tapped Cav on the shoulder and asked him to sign and then passed the pen to Hincapie.  On a tip, a friend told me not to miss the start of a race.  He couldn't have been more right.  At the finish the racers spent carcasses disappear into the trailers, buses and team cars.  At the start, they're fresh, casual and all about the fans.  One disappointment though, pro cyclists sign autographs like doctors write prescriptions.  

Can you match the pictures of my autographed cycling items on this page to the cycling stars pictured (hint, there are four autograph's and 5 superstars pictured?

(answer key: #1 Cav, #2 Boonen, #3 Hincapie, #4 Bruyneel...I think)