Monday, June 14, 2010

You’re Sooo Fat, Compared to Janez Brajkovic

Women were floored.  Self loathing quickly followed.  No one went for seconds on the brownies and ice cream.  I was not immune either.  While at a barbecue yesterday watching the Janez Brajkovic Athlete Profile on the Versus coverage of the Critérium du Dauphiné, the room was shocked to learn that Brako is 5’10” and weighs 127 pounds, not kilos.  I’ll let that register for a second or two.  One.  Two.  Brako is five foot ten inches tall and weighs a scant one hundred twenty seven pounds.  Ahhhh!  There’s the look on your face.  You haven’t been that light since (insert awkward adolescent moment here.)  Okay.  Pick your jaw up off the floor because you're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.  Yes, a man weighs less than you, is faster, stronger and way more fit.  Tripple snap and deal with it sista.

Janez Brajkovic of Team Radio Shack won the Critérium du Dauphiné yesterday.  Bracko is a strong man, albeit a baby-faced blush-cheeked man from Slovenia with better teeth than Contador.  Contador, despite the pistol whippin’, wins the sideburn contest.  I was at a barbecue with way more women than men yesterday.  Lesbian or straight, the news still stung a bit.  You could almost hear the gears spinning in their heads, “well I’m 5’6” and I weigh…never mind what I weigh…I gotta try not to look shocked…oh crap…I look shocked…more Sangria please!”  I was not immune either, except I’m not afraid to show the weight on my driver’s license.  Bracko is 2 inches shorter and 35 pounds lighter than me.  Oh bujeebus.  Pass the grilled asparagus.

So we're all fat, compared to Janez Brajkovic.  Well he's Slovenian.  Maybe he grew up with sisters that aspired to be Eastern European gymnasts.  It's possible.  Maybe the food truck stops at Boonen's house in Belgim and Cancellara's house in Switzerland before making it to the estate of Brajkovic with whatever is left over.  Maybe McDonalds doesn't have a franchise in Slovenia.  Fat Chance.  Here's the site.  (For Pulp Fiction Fans, a Big Mac is still a Big Mac in Slovenia.)  Slovenia borders the Adriatic Sea on the southwest, Croatia on the south and east, Hungary  on the northeast, and Austria on the north, which completely explains why most Americans can’t find Slovenia on a map, until you add that Slovenia borders Italy on the west.  I like to call Bracko the FASTest guy in SLOvenia.  I'm also an idiot.

So there’s no excuse.  You’re fatter than Brako.  If you want to do something about it, you do have a few choices.  You can gravitate toward things where being overweight offers an advantage like hosting a daytime talk show.  Holla Wendy!!!  You could play first base for the Milwaukee Brewers, ala Prince Fielder.  Or, if you’re really spoke-bent on being a better cyclist, you can eat a little smarter and train a little better… because you're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it; you can climb like Bracko if you put your mind to it.  


JMott said...

Excellent post. My mom recently got on me because I look too skinny...6'1", 162. Now I can tell her I'm overweight.

Prince Fielder is a vegetarian...I'm not sure if Jelly Beans count as vegetables.

Joe Biker said...

maybe prince is on the all avacado and olive oil diet.

Gumby said...

Damn and I thought the Schleck boys were thin at 6'2" 145ish! Those book ends could not hold up my bathroom magazine collection, but 127!!!! Great dinged by the ex- for being too "scrawny" @ 5'11" and 165; "please be careful" ?!?!?! what the hell does that mean??? So I shoot back - "oh, I am so fat and put of shape, about 7 more before I even consider close to fightin weight"

jaden said...

Well don't those of us unsightly six foot tall people over 170lbs have a complex now.

Amanda said...

i'm now going to go for a 3 hour run in an aluminum space suit. way to give a girl a complex.

Mary Sunshine said...

Eat smarter, train better...Wow, why didn't I think of THAT?!

Methinks all the talk show positions are taken...but if you know of any, I'm available.