Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Dear Satan (aka the person that drops Entenmann's baked goods off at my office),

What?!  Did you check the race schedule to make sure I WAS racing at Cincinnati’s Ault Park Criterium tonight and figured I could use the extra weight to bomb down the hill to latch onto the breakway?  Damn you.  No!  I love you.  No!  Damn!  Damn!  Damn you to the firey depths, you and your fiendish Fudge Brownie bites.

Entenmann’s Little Bites are darn devilishly delicious.  I don’t know what they put in those things, because they have all the consistency of what the neighborhood girls I knew growing up baked in their Easy Bake Oven with a 25 watt light bulb.  Then…then…oh this is good.  Entenmann’s only puts three Fudge Brownie Little Bites in a bag.  Three?  They’re smaller than a California sushi roll and I’m a grown man.  Of-freaking-course I’m going to eat two bags, at least.  Plus, the fact that they have “No High Fructose Corn Syrup and a Good Source of Calcium” is supposed to make me feel better about seeing how many I can stuff in my mouth at one time.

What really gets me is your strategic tactics.  Seriously, with your cunning you should help NATO plan the war in Afganistan.  You probably plotted all day to drop them off at 12:45pm, fully knowing that I would probably have eaten a full lunch and that I usually pass the kitchen on my way to my post lunch bathroom break at 2pm.  No doubt you have access to the surveillance cameras in the hallway.  On top of that, you don’t even take the 5 individual bags out of the box, so more people could enjoy them.  Of course that forces me to take a whole box back to my office.  Now it’s 2pm and I have 18 chocolately-goodness filled Entenmann’s Little Fudge Brownie Bites singing their silly siren song on my desk.

Lastly don’t think I didn’t see the subliminal cycling message.  You know what I’m talking about.  On the box, the cute little dog riding a unicycle down a rocky chocolate chunk trail while simultaneously balancing three scrumdillyiscious fudgy Little Bites on his tiny little cross eyed head.  Yeah.  Of course I wanna be able to ride like that dog.  You suck you fudge brownie pusher. 

Fudgely Yours,
Joe Biker

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Excellent justification, Joe! Now, why don't ARA put those little beauties in our vending machines here at GE?
P.S. That dog reminds me of the craaaazy unicycle dude at DS&G last year..