Voeckler Positive for Snatching Contador’s Body…and Other TDF Thoughts

Thor-too

Power, perseverance…pecs, Thor’s finish line salute would make a great tattoo.  Who couldn’t benefit from the power of a mini-thor on the upper arm?  What Would Thor Do?  Take it one step further.  It’d make a ridiculous chest tattoo.  Unzip your jersey and, ba-bam, say hello to the god of thunder ladies!

Klo-no!

Or, maybe, “Oh No-den!”  Kloden clipped out in the first hour of Friday’s stage.  While a bummer, at least I’m finally convinced that no one on Team Radio Shack is doping.  Apparently Horner, Popo and Bracko were one guy short of fielding a team the Grand Theft Auto X-box tournament in the back of the Radio Shack team bus.  No matter how hard I stomped on the couch cushions and scared my cats by shouting “Klooo-den” with a deep haunting German accent, he could not over come his injuries.  Levi was last seen loading up on mojos, rabbits feet, Italian horns, good luck charms and numerous translation guides to be able to talk with his remaining teammates at a Pyrenean gypsy kiosk.

Voecklador

Saturday’s stage with, exactly 43 HORS category climbs, the equivalent of doing 20 lactate threshold hill repeats on K2, looks so diabolical there may be more guys that miss the time cut than finish the stage.  HTC might have to give Cavendish a rescue beacon, a satellite phone and a pannier full of hoagie sandwiches to survive the stage.  If Voeckler is still in yellow after Saturday he should be tested for surgically removing his head and placing it on Contador’s body. 

Hooger TFU Award

Shouldn’t there be a Hooger-TFU Award in the tour for guys like Flecha and Hoogerland?  Something like a Free Pass, at least an equivalent to surviving getting hit by a speeding car, rag-dolled into barbed wire and finishing before the time cut.  They should be able to skip 3 stages, be booked in a 5-Star resort, retain their position on GC before the wreck, and be dropped off with a 5 minute lead in a town just outside of the Pyrenees.  Shit…they should each get a car like the one that hit them.  After the lawyers have a chat, they probably will…polka dot Audi’s with shiny 24-inch spinner rims.

TDF 2011: It's the Leather Jersey That Matters

Obviously there’s some disagreement as to if Contador should not have attacked and/or waited after Schleck dropped his chain in last year's tour.  Some cried foul.  Others insist there are no gifts in the Tour De France.  There will never be any cut and dry rule.  We could debate the tire-width line between winning and sportsmanship till someone from France wins the tour again, or we could award acts of heroism, respect and coolness in the Tour De France.  With another Schleckador battle looming, for  2011 I propose a new jersey competition to stand atop the podium along with the yellow, green and polka dot.  Introducing: The Leather Jersey, Le Maillot Cuir.

There’s no argument that the world’s coolest person ever in the world is Arthur Henry Fonzarelli, aka The Fonz.  Modeled after Fonzie’s leather jacket from the hit TV show Happy Days, the Leather Jersey would be awarded each day to the points leader in the coolness competition.  Of course it’d be a faux black coolmax leatheresque jersey, pleather if you will.  It’d have an authentic “thumbs up” silk screened on the back and topped off with an extra tall popped-up collar.  The Leather Jersey would be sponsored by Ryders Eyewear and come with a pair of cool Seeker sunglasses.  Fabian Cancellara, a cool guy who remarkably resembles the Fonz the most, would award the jersey each day.  Instead of kissing, the podium girls, dressed like sexy Pinky Tuscaderos, would stand back, give a double thumbs up and say, "AAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!"

Win a Road ID with TBBBE Details Here

Points would be awarded to riders demonstrating acts of sportsmanship, heroism, respect, kindness and general coolness.  Double points would apply on extreme stages, such as those with Hors category climbs or on days when the weather is bad.

 

The Cool Points scale could look something like this:

2              Heroically making the time cut but coming in DFL

5              Offering water  food to a racer on another team

7              Helping unpile the bikes after a mass wreck

10           Checking to see if that dude that just rode off the cliff is moving down there

15           Waiting for or not attacking a rival who just suffered a mechanical or a crash

In a multiple jersey winning situation, instead of giving the lesser jersey to the runner up, the Leather Jersey would be worn layered as a cool vintage-style under jersey in conjunction with the green, polka dot or yellow jersey.  In Paris it would be an extra honor, showing the world that it is indeed possible to win with respect, integrity, sportsmanship, heroism, kindness and just being a cool Joe Biker.


(joe biker note: No, you're not seeing double.  This article originally posted on July 21, 2010.  With Le Tour starting this weekend, we thought it was worth a repost.  Love you.  Mean it.)