Douchyness Drops Cancellara On Cycling God Totem

Pre-2011 Roubaix Cycling God Totem

After holding the 3rd spot on the podium of my Cycling God Totem Pole for years behind Marco and Top-God Eddy, Fabian Cancellera fell to 5^th position.  He’s now behind Hinault and Lance, not because of his self proclaimed losses at Paris Roubaix and Flanders but, because he grew a dick nose after Flanders and it got bigger after Roubaix. 

Douchexhibit 1: The post Flanders doucheness I read in Cycling News: “Congratulations to Nuyens, but for me [winning] like that has no value.”

Wha-huh?  Did my cycling god just kick me in the nuts?  It certainly feels that way.  Winning like that has no value?  Did Nuyens cut the course, use a motor or grab onto the team car a little too long while getting a can of Coke?

I prefer my cycling gods to look inward in the face of defeat and not spoil someone else's moment with a tirade of excuses like an amateur.  If only I wore sunscreen.  I was boxed in.  They all raced against me.  I expect that from a newbie, but Cancellara stealing the steam out of Nuyens win was as out-of-line as Kanye West taking the microphone from Taylor Swift.  I personally know hundreds of cyclists that would love to win like the way Nuyens won Flanders.  Most of them would love to win a pair of Ace of Spade socks in a Cat 5 race in Nowheresburg, OH like that.  I’ll never forget the day I finished 18^th in a UCI Cyclocross race, 8 long minutes behind Jeremy Powers.  Despite the thumping, I felt honored to even compete on that level, to even be on the same starting grid.  That comment shows no respect for the sport, the competitors and the millions of fat Cat 3 guys like me who’d have to go to the hospital for the loss in blood pressure caused by the giant wood they’d be sporting just to roll one wheel over a meter of Belgian cobblestone. 

Pre-douchness 2010 Tour of Cali

Douchexhibit 2: Yesterday after Roubaix: Everybody raced against me. The victory was not possible. This second place is like the victory to me. Today, I lost, but the others lost a bit more than me.

Douche say what?  "I" lost?  Victory not possible?  Others lost a bit more than me?  Seems to me that Garmin won and Thor didn’t lose.  They're probably still on the bus shouting “woo hoo” in 8 different languages including Norwegian.  Last time I checked 6^th, 8^th, 9^th and being only: 47 back at Roubaix is a pretty great accomplishment.  Just ask Hincapie.  Here’s the list of the top 10 from Velonews.  Tell me, who lost Roubaix?

·      

  1   1. Johan Van Summeren (B), Garmin-Cervélo, 6:0:7:28

·         2. Fabian Cancellara (Swi), Leopard-Trek, at 0:19

·         3. Maarten Tjallingii (Nl), Rabobank Cycling Team, at 0:19

·         4. Grégory Rast (Swi), Team Radioshack, at 0:19

·         5. Lars Ytting Bak (Den), HTC-Highroad, at 0:21

·         6. Alessandro Ballan (I), BMC Racing Team, at 0:36

·         7. Bernhard Eisel (A), HTC-Highroad, at 0:47

·         8. Thor Hushovd (Nor), Garmin-Cervélo, at 0:47

·         9. Juan Antonio Flecha Giannoni (Sp), Team Sky, at 0:47

·         10. Mathew Hayman (Aus), Team Sky, at 0:47

Cancellara Demoted to 5th on God Totem

Leopard didn’t have a man in the break and failed to reel in a giant well represented breakaway that had 2+ minutes on the peloton going into the Arenberg.  Maybe it’s just me, but I’m pretty certain there were some Leopard teammates in the race.  Come to think of it, I didn’t see any.  Did you?  After looking at the results, it appears eight Leopard-Trek riders started the race.  Fabian finished 2^nd.  The next best placed teammate Martin Mortensen finished 13:53 back in 94^th.  The six others, including semi-favorites O’Grady and Weylandt are listed as DNF.  Maybe that’s why victory for Douchelara wasn’t possible and he felt as if everybody was racing against him.  They were.  He was the only Leopard-Trek guy left. 

Personally I loved watching both Flanders and Roubaix.  I dug my nails into the couch.  I covered my eyes.  I shouted “get on his wheel and go-go-go!”  Even though I had to revise my totem, it’s nice to be reminded that cycling is still a team sport and there are no favorites at Roubaix.  Lastly I don't care if my cycling gods win.  I prefer them to be heroic with a hint of humility.

The Top 10 Reasons My Jamis Xenith Sold

American Idol Taylor Hicks once touched it and said, "I gotta get me one of these!" No kidding.

It can weigh 15.56 pounds if you build it up with Sram Red, Zipp wheels and carbon bottle cages, all of which I am keeping for myself. ;)

It’s been ridden on the foreign cobblestones of...uh...Covington, Kentucky.

It placed 7^th twice in Cat 3 road races, once in a breakaway and once in a bunch sprint. Yippie!

Unlike those pesky Trek Madone's that some ride, I was never severly injured on it.

If you like the Cincinnati Bengals or Halloween, it’s your favorite colors!

It also looks good with white bar tape for at least 3 days.

It can deliver a killer leadout so your Cat 2 teammate can snatch up that one 4th place point instead of a big cow-legged dude in a green and white kit.

If you have legs bigger than mine, you might be able to stick a heroic solo breakaway attempt like this:

It makes getting dropped from the lead group while suffering in a 95 degree July race a tiny bit better. See article below for details on how you can get your sweaty fanny on this incredibly gifted and blessed bike.

Trek Makes Credit Card In My Name

A credit card in my name?  Aww.  You shouldn't have!  Thank you Trek!  While I have yet to use this card, I have my eye on those carbon cyclocross bikes they had at a recent trade show.  I can't wait.  The three grand limit and no payments for six months will go a long way, at least long enough to race cross and have the bike repo'ed at the end of the season.

Some friends who race for the Trek Store in Cincinnati forwarded this to me.  Trek has a credit program for customers.  I'm just pickled they like this blog so much they made the first card in my nom de plume.  

Joe Biker

100 Reasons to Register Now for the Mohican 100 Starting With Floyd Landis

I shared a beer with Floyd Landis last year at the Mohican 100 in Loudonville Ohio. There’s the picture to prove it. Still kick myself for not putting on a team jersey, mainly because my baggy shirt makes me look like a fat ass next to him. I zip tied devil horns from a Viking helmet I bought at a rummage sale to my helmet and the photo at the header of this blog appeared in Cycling News because of it. I peed on trees. Hundreds of tricked out bikes surrounded me all weekend. A buddy spent at least an hour and a half debating his tire choice while Trek’s Jeremiah Bishop and his teammates rode past our cabin for a pre-ride. My team, friends from all around Cincinnati, Louisville and Columbus shared tools, tweaked bikes and drank dark beers till well past sundown. We piled 4 guys into the truck at dawn and drove to the start. A black cat crossed the road in front of us entering Loudonville. I made the road rollout lead group split with the pros. I got a pint glass filled with Sierra Nevada at the finish line. Despite the trough of free food in the lodge, someone had a deep dish Chicago style pizza delivered to the venue. As for the race, like everyone else I spent the day covered in mud in what turned out to be the first sticky hot and humid day of the summer. I overheated between rest stops, slogged up shoe stealing mucky hills, cleaned my bike, took water cooler paper towel baths, nearly dropped out, got encouragement to continue from teammates, felt good for 5 miles, only to repeat the process over and over again for the next eight and a half hours. You’ll certainly save a coupla Jefferson’s by registering for the Mohican 100 before the early deadline on February 1st. However, the main reason to sign up now before the price goes up is that there’s really nothing that can happen between now and race day that’ll make the Mohican 100 more or less fun.

Link to confirmed riders of Mohican 100 here.