If It Weighs Less Than Poo, It’s Not 4 U

Cyclists are the only American’s that can convert grams to pounds without using Google, masters of the metric.  So don’t tell me you’re grossed out and never considered how much “it” weighs.  If you drop your shorts and barefoot the scale the 2^nd thing in the morning, you are sooo guilty, but oh so smart.  If you’re going to drop 25 hundo on the new Sram Red to save 150 grams off the previous version, wouldn’t it be worth it to make sure you read the graffiti in the port-a-poddy before you roll up to the start line?  There’s cheaper and surprisingly pleasant ways to shed grams.

I’m considering a new Hydrapak hydration system.  My thought is that a lighter pack over the course of the 100k of the Mohican 100 MTB race in May will make for a faster Joe.  The Hydrapak Alivia tips the scale at an impressively sexy and svelt 7 ounces, 198.446 grams…definitely according to Rain Man.  The website says it nearly disappears on your back.  It should.  7 ounces is less than the weight of a spare 29er inner tube, listed at Competitive Cyclist at 219g.  However, if my hypothesis is correct, I can save pretty close to 7 ounces every day of my life by reading a couple pages of Road Magazine on the cold white chair next to the bathtub. 

Now I’m not going to fish it out and plop it on the scale, but I’m pretty certain the typical water breaker has to weigh 7 ounces, a bit shy of a half pound.  If not, I’m sure eliminating some incidental weight would do the trick, such as some of the electrical tape under my bar tape.  Yep, there’s more tape under that bar tape and you probably don’t need to have it double or triple wrapped in 14 places.  Pause now, if you need extra time to digest the term "water breaker."  

Throw Away The Broccoli and Keep The Band

Incidental weight is the weight of the things you never even consider when pulling the trigger at the local bike shop for a lighter weight bike-a-ma-jig.  It’s the dead bugs smashed and sunbaked on the front of your suspension fork and the mud caked under the crown.  It’s the big fat pink broccoli rubber band on your spare tube, the best rubber bands known to man.  It's three glopping fingers full of chamois cream when 1 finger full would do the trick on your taint.  It’s using a seatbag instead of your middle jersey pocket or the 7 inches of extra seatpost below the clamp.  It’s wearing deodorant for a bike race, because it's not about how fast you ride but how effortless it appears.  

For weight weenies sake, “Take a poo!”  It’s what we say to each other flipping through the pages of the latest Colorado Cyclist with the credit card by our side.  It keeps things in perspective.  It keeps us from dropping $300 dollars on a carbon railed saddle.  If it saves less than a poo it’s not for you.

Want Some Fancy Salted Mixed Nuts?  Boing!

Is that tube going to spring out of your pocket like a toy snake in a can if you don’t lasso it with that giant rubber band?  What difference does the 150g savings of new Sram Red make if you roll up to the start line with a typical 160g seat bag full of stuff you could fit in your jersey pocket?  Did you knock the caked mud from the bottom of your shoes?  Are you really going to be able to drink two full water bottles in a one hour crit?

Anyone of us can probably drop at least a half pound off their race-day set up without spending a dime.  Sure it’s not quite as sexy as a Sram Red solution, but now you know why cyclists really shave their legs.

A Case for Extreme Cyclocross Couponing

I may need to get a 3-ring binder, a set of Fiskars and read up on extreme couponing.  Getting ready for cyclocross is similar to getting a shopping list together.  “How are we on T.P.?  Are you good on tires?  Deodorant?  How 'bout cassettes?  The shaving cream feels a little light.  What’s that bar tape look like?"  The way it went last night, I’m gonna need two shopping carts at BioWheels bike shop, or a cyclocross intervention.

I pulled the IF Planet X off the hook, wheels out of their bags and took an inventory of needed parts.  Unlike the clippy-clip obsessed people on TLC, I do not have a shelf of fresh cyclocross tires piled next to 97 tubes of Colgate toothpaste and 43 boxes of Rice A Roni in my garage, but that would be super cool wouldn’t it?  At least I have a Groupon for the shop, a generous team discount and free reign of the BioWheels workshop.  However, I’m not going to get two cart loads of parts for $1.56 after coupons.  This is precisely the reason I told my wife I didn’t need any new clothes when she mentioned the sale at Banana Republic a few weeks ago.  I’d go naked to race cross.  Thankfully, she’s well aware of that weakness, is quick to point out holes in my t-shirts and is an extreme Grouponer.

It’s that awkward time of year when a cyclocrosser has to make the decision to ignore the rest of the summer races and focus on a season that’ll go through December, January if you plan on racing Nationals.  I should be writing out the racing calendar and back dating a training plan to this week, an empty rest week dedicated to gearing up and focusing on cyclocross season.  Instead I got lured into a Sunday mountain bike race and am intrigued by the criterium tonight.  There’s a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.  Please Angel of CX, help me do this.

It barely shifted.  I haven’t ridden this bike since the Sub 9 Death March months ago.  I spun through the gears and adjusted the derailleur.  Like an old man with bourbon, I hit it with lube and exercised its joints back into functionality.  I pumped tires.  The Fango held, although the tread is loose in two places.  The Griffo wore out my triceps.  With sweat dotting the garage floor and freddies forming in my armpits, the gauge would not top 20 pounds and returned to zero quickly.  I unscrewed the valve stem and poured in sealant.  The pump squeaked.  My arms throbbed.  Then I saw the horror of sealant bubbles.  Help me Oprah.  Save me Tom Cruise.  It must have a half dozen pin holes in it.  I marked the holes, hit it with more sealant and, as if it were alive, let it sit overnight in hopes that it will heal on its own.  I know I’ll need two new tires, a 12-27 cassette, tire glue, a chain, cables, housing, bar tape, some swanky white Hudz, an oversized shopping cart and a good line when the credit car bill arrives.

What’s It Worth? Not As Much As You Think

Just like watching a home show on HGTV, the first step in selling your old crap, is to realize it’s no longer your old crap. What you paid, what you think it’s worth, and how cool you think it is really doesn’t matter. So, what’s this used Easton EC90 SLX Carbon Fork worth? $450? $250? $125? I’ve learned, the trick to selling off your old bike components and parts is to realize that they're worth only as much as you can get for them. It doesn’t matter if full retail was $450. No matter where you sell it, you’re going to get market value for it. Right now, sitting on the bench in my man cave, this fork is worthless. The first step is to come to grips with that fact.

Some people have told me they use half of retail to gauge the worth of their items. These are the same goofballs on HGTV that don’t realize that not everybody digs their drapes. They say if it’s just a few 2- 4 years old, you should be able to get half of retail for it. Consider this; a brand new Easton EC90 SLX carbon fork has a retail list price of around $450. Retail mark up just about anywhere is somewhere between 40-50%. Pretty much, that fork was worth only about $250 brand new, half of retail, the day it was purchased. Secondly, with manufacturer retail employee purchase programs, chances are quite a few people picked up the fork brand new for somewhere around $250. Lastly, it’s pretty evident, because there’s plenty of brand new Easton EC90 SLX forks on eBay right now going for $250-$300. Now what’s half of retail? $125-150.

However, when pricing used items, you can’t start from the top down. Start from the bottom up. That is, just like a house, if you really want to sell it. So let’s do it. As the Easton EC90 SLX sits on the shelf in my garage, it’s worth $0. Sh**! We need to make that go up and get a realistic idea of what somebody might pay for it.

So, I watched identical or similar items on eBay to see what they’d actually sold for. Keep in mind the “buy it now” price or the starting price doesn’t count. That’s not what the item sold for. Those are the yahoos from HGTV who have this lofty number in their heads based on coffee talk with the girls. So, like selling a house, I took the time to get a few comps. I watched a few auctions until they ended. Recently there were about 20 Easton EC90 SLX forks on eBay, most new, a handful used. If by some weird chance there weren’t any Easton EC90 SLX forks on eBay, I’d find something similar, a top of the line fork from another manufacturer and/or the next step down from Easton like an EC90 SL to use to gauge a selling price.

When my watched items ended, two forks sold for $119 and $135, both with uncut steerer tubes. One listed at $199, didn’t get any bids. Right there, HGTV be dammed, that tells me at this moment, the fork isn’t worth anywhere near $199. At the very least, I should be okay with getting $119 for the fork, right? Wrong. If you sold it on EBay for $119, after you pay your EBay realtor fee, you’ll get around $110 or less in your pocket. At the very most I could expect $135, right? Nope. Consider that those buyers paid shipping closing costs too. If shipping was $10-$15, you might be able to sell the fork outside of EBay and get up to $150. So, now we know…an Easton EC90 SLX fork, in decent shape with an uncut steerer, is worth between $110 and $150 on the open market. That’s a $40 window for my fork. Or, is it?

Really, the window is a bit smaller and, considering my steerer is cut to 213mm, probably lower. For starters you know that the very least someone paid was $119 plus $10-15 shipping. That makes the out of pocket for the buyer $130-135. You also know that the most someone recently paid with shipping was $150 out of pocket. So the window is now about $20, between $130 and $150. Unfortunately, my fork has a tiny cosmetic nick on it and the steerer is cut to 213mm, a useable amount for most people, but still cut. To price my fork competitively, I’m probably looking at $120-$140. I’d list the fork for $140, and first try to sell it on Craigslist, Facebook, this blog or a cycling group site where I don't have to pay the eBay fees.

So how’s $140 sound to you. Seriously. Email here if you’d like to buy it. Click here for all the details.

Will Trade Glock 9mm for Carbon Bike

I busted though XT and Avid boxes, greasy grocery bags and tackled every plastic tote. I scoured the man-cave slash bike workshop looking from my Ultegra road brakes. I found three third eye chain keepers and 4 boxes of Onza Chill-pill cantilever brake cable hangers, but no road brakes. “Ugh,” I half shouted, wondering if my wife and cats upstairs heard me. I thought the man-cave slash workshop was organized. Old parts reside in one of two places: the big blue bin of lost causes and the old yellow toolbox of possible resurrection. I even called two friends that I had sold stuff to in the past two years asking if maybe I sold them the brakes. They were no where to be found. Then I remembered, I had pulled together a bunch of old parts into a drive-train package and put ‘em up on EBay. Stupid. Stupid! STUPID!!

A while back, I upgraded my Ultegra equipped Jamis Xenith Pro road bike with Sram Red. Then cyclocross season rolled around. So the Sram Red shifters, cranks and rear derailuer made the leap to the CX rig. Now, I have a new road frame on order, a Kuota KOM. Before it arrives, I had hoped to put the old Ultegra back on the Xenith and get it cleaned up ready to sell. I found the chain rings and front derailleur, but no brakes. “Now what,” I burst out alone in the garage! “I’m gonna have to buy brakes in order to sell a bike? That sucks,” intentionally loud enough hoping my wife would swing the door open and say, “what sucks honey?” Even if I found something used, I’d be out 40, 50, 60 bucks. Oh well. With the majority of my friends being cyclists, I put a note up on Facebook:

Joe: is looking for bike parts. Need a set of used road bike brakes. Whatcha got that you'd sell/trade me. Nothing special. Ultegra/Tiagra......'04'05 or newer.

Sure enough I got a line on some used Dura Ace from Ryan. Woot, but I’m not the type to turn the negotiating screws on a friend. He’s a good guy. There was no way I could give Ryan only $40 for Dura Ace brakes.

Then I saw Marty’s post about how his coffee maker broke:

Martin: new coffee maker broke on me. :(

He was apparently heartbroken and sad. You know how Facebook is. Everything appears to be either a complete triumph or tragedy. “Little Jimmy used the toilet for the first time!” “Going to the dentist…ugh.” “My coffee maker broke…Armageddon!” As luck would have it, I had a brand new Cuisinart 12 cup coffee extravaganza just sitting in a box in the kitchen. No kidding. Marty's world would be saved. We received it as a gift. It was very cool, but the no-carafe coffee-tapper design didn’t work for us. But, it’d be perfect for someone who loves coffee all day.

I sent Marty a message and attached a photo:

I have a brand new in the box Cuisinart programmable auto shut Black/Stainless 12 cupper that I'd sell ya. It's like a coffee tapper. No carafe. It brews into a reservoir and then you hit a lever to dispense into your cup. Kinda cool. They go for like $80. Make me an offer.

Marty: lemme see if i can round you up some brakes..?? ;) lol

Joe: I'd do that trade. Seriously.

LOL indeed. The deal was done. He got the Cuisinart I got the Ultegra. Straight up. That got me thinking. I wonder if anyone else has pulled off goofy bike part trades. I put it out to the FB Fans of the blog. Jason posted he once traded handlebars for a bottle of wine. Cycles Gladiator perhaps? Then Eric blew me away. He knows someone who traded a Felt road frame for a Glock 9mm handgun. Unlike Marty and I, I sure hope that transaction wasn’t made in the lobby at work.

Bikes As Art, Building As An Artist

Making near sighted one-liner observations and more or less doing the blog equivalent of sitting on, is not what I like to do here. If you go back a couple weeks in this blog, you’ll notice a patch where the writing wasn’t really there. Like an attack that doesn’t go anywhere, all I could muster was a stab. It didn’t go unnoticed. One reader went so far as to post the comment “Ur blog is lame” after I poked fun at Bradley Wiggins repetitive tour interviews and compared Alberto Contador to Ryan from TV’s The Office. Touché!

I think there’s a finite amount of creative energy in my camelback. Some goes to my work. I make all the things that make you turn off corporate radio stations and listen to NPR: commercials, jingles and goofy things for commercial radio stations. It might be a step above greeting cards, maybe. What’s left over, I try to drizzle into this blog. Writing about cycling is way more fun than finding another way to convince you to trade in your clunker for a new Yaris. Unfortunately, it doesn’t pay as well. I also think it’s fair to say that creative thought gets spent on building a bike. In a way, it is an art. The process is very similar. Whether it’s audio, a rhyme, paint, clay or stuff from Easton and Sram, you’ve got a bunch of parts that need to get put together in a functional, yet emotional effective way. Between work and the bike, we certainly had a bout with blog lameness a few weeks ago.

Three weeks ago, amongst snippets of cables, ferrules and dead leaves, I sat on my workshop floor for a good twenty minutes stared at the pieces like a kid with a box of 64 Crayolas. Across the room leaned an IF Planet X and a Jamis Nova both with aging Ultegra 9sp, a Jamis Xenith road bike with Sram Red, and (I am so lucky) two sets of carbon wheels, one without tires. How do I get the Sram Red on the IF, CX tires on the 2^nd set of wheels, spend a minimal amount of money on cassettes and cables and brake pads while keeping the inevitable pain in the ass of having two different drive trains (Ultegra 9sp and Red 10sp) on my CX bikes to a minimum? With my hands on my chin, I stewed over needed parts and the costs, only later discovering I had smeared grease on my cheek.

Sell it. Sell the Nova. In less than a day, thanks to Facebook, I sold the Jamis Nova. Friggin’ genius. Sure it was my pit bike, but it was also aging and would be the crux of having two bikes with different drive trains. The fair deal produced enough lettuce to buy tires and a glue job for my 2^nd tubular wheelset as well as purchase new cables/housing, chain and cassette to put the road bike Sram Red on the IF. It also gave a friend an inexpensive way to get back into cyclocross. With the hundred or so I had budgeted earlier to buy tires with, there might be enough to afford a carbon fork and cover incidentals. Sure I wouldn’t have a pit bike. However, traditionally I’ve only used it on average about twice a season. My wife was elated that we actually reduced the steeds in the corral. I now had the makings of one sweet cyclocross bike and two sets of sweet wheels. The first splash of color hit the canvas, and then the 2^nd stewing began, along with a week and a half of non-functional bikes.

Which tires? Which fork? What gears on the cassette? With cables/housing, I should do new bar tape. What color? I sculpted. I arranged. I tried white & blue bar tape, threw it away and went with black. I went with the white saddle over blue. I tore through bins, boxes and file cabinets to find the IF sticker set that came with the bike so I could adorn the fork. I cleaned and lubed. The entire process from the first stew on the garage floor to the finished bike you see pictured took two weeks, help from a lot of friends and made at least one person post an anonymous poke.

Carbon Fiber Chopsticks

The weathered looking woman next to me worried about the incoming snow storm.  As I sat waiting for my tires to be rotated and oil changed at Tire Discounters, a conversation struck among strangers.  Her husband is a school teacher.  If school was delayed, he’d have to be in early.  Consequently, with one car in the shop, she’d have to drive him in.  The man to my right, I’m guessing was a bus driver.  He offered up a bit of knowledge that the woman-next-to-me’s husband could get a discount bus pass since he was involved with the school system.  As any Wisconsin native would do, I kept my trap mostly shut and offered few personal details.  Since only bike shops offer bike magazines in the waiting room, I picked up a glossy car magazine with a photo of a racy BMW M1 prototype on the cover.

As they gabbed and fretted about the storm while my four wheel drive Toyota 4 Runner was up on the stand, I relaxed, nodded now and then and flipped through the pages.  Then I saw this:  

A carbon fiber suitcase?  What the?!  The woman next to me glanced over my shoulder to see what brought the slight gasp out of my mouth.  Why would anyone need a carbon suitcase?  I thought.  I texted myself a blog reminder and read on.  As it turns out, you need a carbon fiber suitcase for all the same reasons you need a carbon bicycle frame: it’s light, durable, it looks better than the other suitcases at the airport and you’ll be faster in the race from the gate to the car.  While I haven’t checked, I bet 

you can get ceramic bearings for those wheels and have the “pro” version of the suitcase.  What’s it cost?  What do ya think?  This little gem from Zero Halliburton is about the same price as a carbon fiber bike frame, $2250.  Probably the same amount of cash you have in your carbon fiber money clip.  Which begs the question, what else might make sense to make out of carbon fiber?

A letter opener perhaps?  Why not?  Like all things carbon, it’s light, so you can open up letters for hours and win the letter opening Olympics without getting a bunion on your palm.  Plus, it matches the carbon fiber briefcase in your office and looks sharp with your letter opening team kit. 

 Wonder what else can be made out of carbon fiber?  I thought to myself.  Chopsticks?  I googled but no dice.  So, I searched the phrase “ridiculous carbon fiber.”  The following two items were returned in the search results.

The Carbon Fiber X-Box Controller

While just a pet project of a die-hard gamer.  I have to admit, it would be sweet to play a little Tokyo drift with a controller like this. 

Lastly, this Carbon Fiber Snare Drum turned up.  While it puzzled me at first, it did start to make sense.  It’s lightweight for traveling or musicians that perform while moving.  It’s durable, so I’m sure it 

can be tuned to be able to bang out anything from a death metal beat to something tight and funky.  No doubt it’ll probably stay in tune longer than materials that might flex with temperature and humidity.  And, like all things carbon, it would match any University of Whatever marching band team kit.