#DeathMarch Planning Questions

Last Year Was A Blast-Story Here

For those that think they have a good route planned out for the Sub 9 Death March and are seemingly prepared, here are a few questions you should absolutely have an answer to before you clip in.

At the holeshot, are you turning left or right?

What about your teammate?

Are you sure that road marked on your map is an actual physical honest to goodness road?

Is that bridge physically crossable or a relic of an aged NASA Satellite photo?

What’s the elevation change between Camp and Hanner Cemetary?

How many valleys will you cross on your way to Lutes?

Are toe spikes a good idea or too much weight?

How are you going to wear toe spikes and shoe covers at the same time silly?

Have you every tried to read a map while riding a gravel road at 25 mph?


Shirley, you can't be serious?


Are you comfortable riding your bike under water?


Is there a compartment for a snorkel in your Hydrapak?

True or False:  Some of the gravel roads would be more stable under your wheels if they were paved 6 inches deep with marbles set in butter.

And, which roads are those?

Are you going up or down them?

If last year’s winning team from DRT spent 4 ½ Hours on their bikes and this year the promoters added a cemetery which is pretty dang far to the east which will no doubt extend saddle time, where and when do you plan on refilling your water?

Should you drink water from a cemetery well?

What time does the sun set?

Is your cell phone’s camera memory close to being full?

Do you know what happens to a paper map in your jersey pocket 5 hours into a ride?

Do you know what happens to the same map after riding through countless creeks?

Are the Garmin and Google maps of Hoosier National Forest as up to date as their map of 

New York City, or are they as old as the farm roads that once criss-crossed the area?

Have you seen the Sprint cell phone coverage map of the area?

So, you're certain your phone's mapping app will be functional?


By the way, have you ever climbed a cell phone tower?

You may not be afraid of heights, but are you may afraid of climbing a Fire Tower which feels like it has the same pieces and stability of a 6 year old’s erector set project?

True or False: Trailheads in Hoosier National Forest are marked with a nice big well painted signs and arrows like the tourist trail to Mt. Rushmore?

If you let the weeds in your driveway grow for 60 years, could you still call it a driveway?

Have you planned your route to Callahan cemetery on the map?

So, when you looked at the Google map you saw Callahan’s tombstones and an adjacent trail together?

You really don’t know where Callahan is, do you?

Multiple Choice: In the pouring rain, what is faster in and out of Callahan?  A horse trail  B) A fresh gravel road  C) A Hard Packed Gravel Road  D) Pavement E) We should really have a Plan B.

A Case for Extreme Cyclocross Couponing

I may need to get a 3-ring binder, a set of Fiskars and read up on extreme couponing.  Getting ready for cyclocross is similar to getting a shopping list together.  “How are we on T.P.?  Are you good on tires?  Deodorant?  How 'bout cassettes?  The shaving cream feels a little light.  What’s that bar tape look like?"  The way it went last night, I’m gonna need two shopping carts at BioWheels bike shop, or a cyclocross intervention.

I pulled the IF Planet X off the hook, wheels out of their bags and took an inventory of needed parts.  Unlike the clippy-clip obsessed people on TLC, I do not have a shelf of fresh cyclocross tires piled next to 97 tubes of Colgate toothpaste and 43 boxes of Rice A Roni in my garage, but that would be super cool wouldn’t it?  At least I have a Groupon for the shop, a generous team discount and free reign of the BioWheels workshop.  However, I’m not going to get two cart loads of parts for $1.56 after coupons.  This is precisely the reason I told my wife I didn’t need any new clothes when she mentioned the sale at Banana Republic a few weeks ago.  I’d go naked to race cross.  Thankfully, she’s well aware of that weakness, is quick to point out holes in my t-shirts and is an extreme Grouponer.

It’s that awkward time of year when a cyclocrosser has to make the decision to ignore the rest of the summer races and focus on a season that’ll go through December, January if you plan on racing Nationals.  I should be writing out the racing calendar and back dating a training plan to this week, an empty rest week dedicated to gearing up and focusing on cyclocross season.  Instead I got lured into a Sunday mountain bike race and am intrigued by the criterium tonight.  There’s a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.  Please Angel of CX, help me do this.

It barely shifted.  I haven’t ridden this bike since the Sub 9 Death March months ago.  I spun through the gears and adjusted the derailleur.  Like an old man with bourbon, I hit it with lube and exercised its joints back into functionality.  I pumped tires.  The Fango held, although the tread is loose in two places.  The Griffo wore out my triceps.  With sweat dotting the garage floor and freddies forming in my armpits, the gauge would not top 20 pounds and returned to zero quickly.  I unscrewed the valve stem and poured in sealant.  The pump squeaked.  My arms throbbed.  Then I saw the horror of sealant bubbles.  Help me Oprah.  Save me Tom Cruise.  It must have a half dozen pin holes in it.  I marked the holes, hit it with more sealant and, as if it were alive, let it sit overnight in hopes that it will heal on its own.  I know I’ll need two new tires, a 12-27 cassette, tire glue, a chain, cables, housing, bar tape, some swanky white Hudz, an oversized shopping cart and a good line when the credit car bill arrives.