Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Finally Something Dorkier Than Cycling: Riding a Segway

Do they make you wear a helmet to protect yourself from people throwing things at your head?  EK posted.  If you were any more of a dork, you’d be a Dorkasaurus Rex.  Thanks Mom.  According to my so-called Facebook “friends,” many of which wear spandex and use the words 700c and Dugast in everyday conversation, “I” am the mayor of Dorkopolis because I rode a Segway.  Well, thank you.  I will take the key to this geeked out city with pride for I, Joe Biker, finally found something dorkier than cycling.  It’s riding a Segway…and it kicks more geeky ass than a Garmin GPS with a wattmeter.  (I'm the guy with the orange sleeves and jeans in the video)  

Like Bill Gates gushing over the latest unscratchable glass for iPhone screens, riding a Segway brings out our inner dork.  Yes, you are a dork.  Look at the blog you are reading.  Not so fast mountain biker with the suspension lockout button next to your Ergon grip.  Skinsuited cyclocrossers, don’t even get me started.  Segways have gyros (not the sandwich) that adjust to your input.  Yeah, you wish you had that on your bike, if there were only room between the Garmin and your 900 Lumen LED light.  So face it, we are the not cool people.  Cool people watch Jersey Shore and wear t-shirts designed by famous tattoo artists.  The rest of us wear a chamois pad between our legs and know how to use hand signals. 

But, that’s totally cool.  Us uncool cycling people are fit.  We can wear size 31 jeans.  We have core strength from working out while Biggest Loser is on TV.  Even though The Situation could drink us under the table, we have balance and focus, thanks to that Yoga mat.  While the word Namaste rhymes very well with totally gay, we are way more prepared to survive a Zombie attack than Snookie.  As a result, we are also prepared for other diabolical catastrophes like going on a Segway tour of Cincinnati’s Eden Park with our co-workers under the guise of team building.  Oh the horror.

I did it and I survived.  It was incredibly fun.  I resisted the urge to bring my own helmet.  They go 12mph.  Before you say that's too slow, keep in mind if the people mover at the airport moved at 12mph, the airport's biggest scare wouldn't be terrorism.  This may also be as blindsided as the Nationwide spokesperson’s latest deductible revelation; it was a bit of a workout.  I felt it a bit afterward.  Yeah, it took some fitness to ride that thing.  Core strength is key.  Move your core forward on your toes and it goes forward.  Move your weight on your heels and it goes backward.  Balance on your two feet on a platform over the wheels axel and you stand still.  See…not so easy.  Steering is much like skiing.  Move the handle left to go left, right to go right.  By shifting your weight left or right or in combination with your heel-toe technique and you can do some fun stuff.  When you get the hang of it, you can ride no handed.  Much like cycling, being skinnier makes you faster.  See, got your attention you dork.

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