Finally Something Dorkier Than Cycling: Riding a Segway

Do they make you wear a helmet to protect yourself from people throwing things at your head?  EK posted.  If you were any more of a dork, you’d be a Dorkasaurus Rex.  Thanks Mom.  According to my so-called Facebook “friends,” many of which wear spandex and use the words 700c and Dugast in everyday conversation, “I” am the mayor of Dorkopolis because I rode a Segway.  Well, thank you.  I will take the key to this geeked out city with pride for I, Joe Biker, finally found something dorkier than cycling.  It’s riding a Segway…and it kicks more geeky ass than a Garmin GPS with a wattmeter.  (I'm the guy with the orange sleeves and jeans in the video)  

Like Bill Gates gushing over the latest unscratchable glass for iPhone screens, riding a Segway brings out our inner dork.  Yes, you are a dork.  Look at the blog you are reading.  Not so fast mountain biker with the suspension lockout button next to your Ergon grip.  Skinsuited cyclocrossers, don’t even get me started.  Segways have gyros (not the sandwich) that adjust to your input.  Yeah, you wish you had that on your bike, if there were only room between the Garmin and your 900 Lumen LED light.  So face it, we are the not cool people.  Cool people watch Jersey Shore and wear t-shirts designed by famous tattoo artists.  The rest of us wear a chamois pad between our legs and know how to use hand signals. 

But, that’s totally cool.  Us uncool cycling people are fit.  We can wear size 31 jeans.  We have core strength from working out while Biggest Loser is on TV.  Even though The Situation could drink us under the table, we have balance and focus, thanks to that Yoga mat.  While the word Namaste rhymes very well with totally gay, we are way more prepared to survive a Zombie attack than Snookie.  As a result, we are also prepared for other diabolical catastrophes like going on a Segway tour of Cincinnati’s Eden Park with our co-workers under the guise of team building.  Oh the horror.

I did it and I survived.  It was incredibly fun.  I resisted the urge to bring my own helmet.  They go 12mph.  Before you say that's too slow, keep in mind if the people mover at the airport moved at 12mph, the airport's biggest scare wouldn't be terrorism.  This may also be as blindsided as the Nationwide spokesperson’s latest deductible revelation; it was a bit of a workout.  I felt it a bit afterward.  Yeah, it took some fitness to ride that thing.  Core strength is key.  Move your core forward on your toes and it goes forward.  Move your weight on your heels and it goes backward.  Balance on your two feet on a platform over the wheels axel and you stand still.  See…not so easy.  Steering is much like skiing.  Move the handle left to go left, right to go right.  By shifting your weight left or right or in combination with your heel-toe technique and you can do some fun stuff.  When you get the hang of it, you can ride no handed.  Much like cycling, being skinnier makes you faster.  See, got your attention you dork.

To learn more about Segue of Ohio click here.

Don’t Hate On The Run Homie: Three Running Rules For Cyclists

I used to be a hater of the run, quite frankly because the echoes of my Full Metal Jacket wannabe 7^th grade gym teacher screaming “pull hard, finish strong” still tortures me to this day.  Running a mile and militant Phy-Ed teachers rank right up there with your parent’s choice in music on the suck-o-meter when you’re 12.  Now, a couple of decades later, I’ve realized running can live in harmony with my bike, maybe Mister Keller wasn’t a complete tool and maybe the 70’s band Bread wasn’t totally lame.  As a cyclist, running can be great training and just as great an escape, if you choose your routes carefully.  You could only snap the photo above of the Dorado, Puerto Rico coastline on foot.  In that way, running makes me appreciate my rides more.

Rule number one: I only run where I can’t ride a bike.  That can be the first challenge.  Goat path trails and/or stairs mark every running route I do.  Last week on vacation in Puerto Rico coral cliffs, deepish sand and the steep cuts of stream inlets marked my ocean front run.  At home in Cincinnati, I always choose a route that incorporates a couple flights of the cities famous public steps or a detour through the downed branch strewn hiking trails in a local park.  Choosing a route I couldn’t tackle on two wheels helps me explain the running to the evil cyclist in my head.  Being slower, running can reveal details of scenery a bike can’t deliver, like those in these photos of my runs in Dorado, Puerto Rico last week. 

Rule number two: while I usually run 2-3 times a week, I only run when I can’t ride.  Lunch hour is a perfect time to eek in a 40-45 minute run and still have time for a sink shower and wolf down a sandwich in the same time your coworkers drive to McDonalds and make a stop at the mall.  Plus, you can double up on the day with bike ride after work.  At home I run at night, or when weekend trips to Target, fixing this old house, or weather get in the way of a respectable length ride. 

Rule number three: while I usually run anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour, I never usually run the entire time.  It makes running more exciting.  I break up my runs with 3-4 sets of crunches, pushups and other core/plyometric exercises.  On my work run, I split the run up at the tops of three big lookout hills.  I did the same in Puerto Rico, stopping at incredible vistas.  At each stop, I hit the dirt and give my 7^th grade drill sergeant 25 crunches, 15 pushups, 25 jumping jacks and 15 star jumps.  As I continue on toward the next hill, I hear “pull hard, finish strong” in my head.