Friday, April 16, 2010

Code Yellow! Worldwide Lance Monuments Under Attack

It’s Code Yellow for guards of Lance Armstrong monuments across the world.  Velo News reports that vandals have vandalized the monument dedicated to the very spot where Lance Armstrong broke his collarbone in Spain during the 2009 Vuelta a Castilla y León “Jesus Cristos,” a local exclaimed while standing in the spot once marked by a bike valued at $59.95 set in priceless Spanish concrete near the small village of Antiguedad.  Through a translator the local official reported, “the roadside tribute to the pileup that broke Lance Armstrong’s clavicle has been reduced from near worthlessness to absolute worthlessness.”

In response, officials in charge of safe guarding The Worlds Largest Yellow Rubber Bracelet (along with the Worlds Largest Sharpie and Worlds Largest Laptop Computer) are braced for the worst and are keeping their eyes out for anything that could destroy the once thought unbreakable Livestrong treasure.  Management remains optimistic knowing that so far nothing known to man has been able to damage a Livestrong bracelet in any way, except for futzing with them for hours until they give.

In France, authorities at L'Alpe d'Huez trusted to the security of the commemorative spot of “The Look” have set aside their cigarettes and wine and are reportedly being more vigilant in case vigilantes attack the giant latex human eyeball set atop an authentic red, white and blue U.S. Postal Service mailbox erected in 2001 to commemorate Lance’s stern look back at a chasing Jan Ulrich.

Closer to home, it is rumored that staff at Mellow Johnnies Bike Shop in Austin have now locked the doors, put all Lance memorabilia in the padlocked shed out back and are standing guard with skinny noodle biker arms crossed at the doors and exits armed with chain whips and oversized 15mm pedal wrenches in case anyone decides to try something funny.

As of right now, some Radio Shack stores remain closed.  Greg LeMond could not be reached for comment.

1 comment:

James Billiter said...

I just made a pilgrimage to the Temple of Mellow in Austin a few weeks ago. The funny thing is, there isn't that much more Lance stuff than what you would find at Oakley Cycles or the Trek Store.

I was hoping to find a Shroud of the Tourmelet or something.

Actually, Mellow Johnies has a couple of "cool" long-chainer chopper bikes. And $25 tee shirts. Whatev.