Turkey Attacks Bike, A Conspiracy Brews

Turkey’s are taking over the world, according to yesterday’s article in USA Today.  It’s foul!  With wild turkey populations on the rise and the hot gobbling love of Turkey mating season upon us, they’re breaking into bakeries in Nebraska, suicide bombing semi-trucks in Tennessee and now have taken up drumsticks against cyclists in Ohio.   While it remains to be proven that Turkey’s have a carbon fiber fetish or that this Turkey outburst against cyclists could be a thanksgiving related conspiracy in retaliation for traditional Thanksgiving beatdown epic rides followed by eating lots and lots of turkey, the occupants of the car in the photo are thankful to have survived the flap.  While it may not make the TV drama, “I Survived,” the guy who recently bought my old kick-ass Jamis Xenith Pro and Best Bike Blog Ever fan, DF, had a face to feather encounter with Wild Tammy Turkey in Eastern Ohio.  In, more or less his words, here’s DF’s story on how the Turkey became his new water bottle and how a 16 pound bike became a 36 pound delicacy.

Dateline: Athens, OH

So, my wife and I were en route to Athens, OH on route 32. The turkey was sitting in the median and decided to take off at a very bad time/direction. I saw it pass over head and then heard the very unsettling crash. It was basically the same sound you hear when you run a bike into a parking garage.  Which I've done…too.

There was a car in the right lane that I had just passed.  II bet they’re at home telling some sort of interesting story right now.  It took me about a quarter mile to pull over off the highway and this is the sight (photo) that greeted me when I got out of the car.

The Jamis is my bike.  As you can see it was basically covered in blood, guts, and feathers.  You can see some of the entrails hanging off of the back wheel. The turkey's heart came out and ended up resting on my window wiper on the back window.   (Collective: EWWWWW)  I'd imagine the poor girl never knew what hit her.

The front crossbar on the roof rack was pushed back about six inches on the right side. The bike rack holding my poor Jamis is trashed, although it held up well enough to get the bike home after the application of some bungee cords. The rack holding my wife's bike was bent due to the movement of the front crossbar, but seems to be functional. Her bike escaped fine, other than being covered in the left over turkey remains.  (Collective: EWWWWWW)

Currently, my bike is up at BioWheels Bike Shop. As of now, it looks like the main damage is to the fork. One of the dropouts is bent. The bar and stem seem to be okay, other than just being whacked out of position. The verdict is still out on the frame, so we'll have to see how that turns out.

Only three days later, DF saw the article in USA today and realized, “Clearly I'm the victim of some greater turkey-related conspiracy.”  I agree DF.  I smell a conspiracy too…a juicy 12 pound cranberry and gravy covered conspiracy.

Of course, immediately after the photo was posted on Facebook, the caption contest began.  Here’s the large photo followed by some favorite captions:

BC: The New Shimano Flight Deck

JM: That’s Foul

CA: Who Wants a Drumstick

WF: Hey Honey, Got KFC for Dinner!

CM: What Do You Mean This Isn’t Under Warranty?

RT: Is That UCI Legal?

DR: I Think You Need A New Water Bottle

RA: And You Were Worried You Might Forget About The Bikes And Pull Into The Garage

MH: Got Taken Out On The Road By Some Turkey

SM: Anybody Ever See a Turkey Hump a Bike? 

KC: One Shot Of Wild Turkey Coming Up

CM: I Was Just Riding Along

CB: Where’s the Stuffing?

MS: Gu Just Wasn’t Giving Me The Boost I Needed

AB: When Turkeys Attack!

TBBBE: I Told You, You’d be able to drop all the turkeys if you bought my bike.