Cyclists Don’t Play Bingo

I AM going to Yoga at 11:30am. I am NOT wearing a dress. I am NOT 60. So went the morning I surprised my wife on her birthday by throwing a brunch with all her friends. I had planned this brunch for three weeks, involved just about every one of her closest friends, sent out the E-vite to her closest gal pals I thought could attend, created a mushy gushy video to stir the emotions, bought her gifts at he soon to be favorite store-Nordstrom, had Ace of Cakes style cupcakes crafted and didn’t blog for an entire week. When I sprung the surprise, I seriously think she was two seconds away from tossing my bike, a duffle bag of clothes, and my custom confections on the front lawn.

As you can see, she is a cyclist. Since it was raining, Yoga took the place of her Saturday morning ride, which was upsetting enough. There is not a rainy day, a stressful workweek or a single a life event that can put the nix on a cyclist’s Saturday ride. Just the other day a friend of mine did a Cyclocross race on the same afternoon they had planned a family Christmas card photo shoot. Even I went for a ride the day before my mom’s retirement party. We rode on our honeymoon. Here I was trying to tell the woman who went mountain biking on a 33 degree morning before her cousin’s wedding in Wisconsin she would have to skip exercising on her birthday weekend. That’s like trying to stop a ferocious charging African Lion from chowing down on a wounded Wildebeest.

Mistake number two: Cyclists don’t do formal wear. In fact there is a whole chart describing what minimal level of formality is absolutely necessary for each event. It kind of looks like this:

WEDDINGS:

Being in the Bridal Party: Dress or Jacket & Tie

Anything Else: Nice jeans.

DEATH:

Spouse: Dress or Jacket & Tie

Anything Else: Nice jeans.

HOLIDAY FAMILY EVENTS:

Parents Present: Dress or Jacket & Tie

No Parents: Nice jeans.

Please note that a brunch with friends isn’t even on the formal attire list. Needless to say, out of the 10 girls that attended, only one wore a dress. Amazingly, she was a cyclist. Consequently, I could practically see her skin crawl when she noticed all the other girls wearing…nice jeans. I apologized profusely for my stupidity of even thinking that a bunch of cyclists would get dressed up for anything else besides the death of a spouse, being in a bridal party or attending a family event with their parents.

Third mistake: cyclists don’t do things that sound like they’re for old people. In fact, anything that reminds a cyclist that they could even be remotely close to the end of their life is avoided with the same fear as riding off a 200 foot cliff. There is a reason they don’t advertise cruises in cycling magazines. Unless there is beer involved and a ride has taken place, cyclists don’t do bingo. There’s a reason Masters races are called Masters races and not “you’re too old to compete with the regular younger guys category so we’ll call you Masters to make it sound like you’ve mastered this cycling thing” category. Seriously, the mailman better get ready to run the day he drops a social security check in my mailbox. Brunch? What the hell was I thinking?

Somehow she obliged. She wore nice jeans. I promised we could ride in the afternoon and reasoned that it wasn’t really a brunch but more of a lunch with friends with cupcakes and presents involved. I don’t think we spoke in the car. The restaurant door swung open. Inside were all her friends, except one, wearing nice jeans. She melted into the conversation. While nothing takes the place of a Saturday morning ride, being with your friends, eating devilishly delicious cupcakes, and opening presents is certainly a close 2^nd.

Cycling Socks At Work

While I'm out riding and hopefully cooking up another good post, enjoy this previous post from the Joe Biker blog on AOL, the blog before the Best Bike Blog Ever*, dated 9/8/08.

Maybe this 40 year old cyclist is a trendsetter, or maybe I’ve just crossed the threshold of youth and I’m so out of touch that I’ve lost my fashion marbles. But, I really think these Sock Guy cycling socks look quite trendy with my work clothes today. They’re black with a brown star, so if your pants rise up a bit and someone catches a glimpse more than ankle high, ka-pow! I knock them out with my cool cycling-slash-work socks.

We had a blackout of sorts in the Cincinnati area this past week when the winds from Hurricane Ike blew threw. As of today, the 6th day after the storm, there are still around 80 thousand homes and businesses without power. I had planned on doing some laundry after the Loveland OVCX series cyclocross race on Sunday, but with no power, no laundry. Of course, even though our power came back on Monday night, I still use that as excuse to why I haven’t washed the heap of clothes in the bedroom and instead dipped into the cycling socks drawer for something to wear to work. Now, looking at my styling socks, I’m wondering if there are other socks in that drawer that I could wear to work.

I could be on the cusp of a whole new category of work socks. Normally men wear two colors of socks to work, black or brown. Alas! I have discovered something new…the Ralph Marlin Grateful Dead Fish Tie of the at work sock world. The tall-crew socks seem to do the trick. You can’t rock regular cycling ankle huggers at work. So, I went on the Sock Guy website and tried to find a few other styles of cycling socks you could rock at work.

Here we have the “Money” cycling sock, perfect for the sales staff. Put your feet up on the boss’ desk and ask for a raise or an increase in commission percentage while you flash these in their face.

Here’s the “King” cycling sock, which are quite effective when you need to lay down the law with your subordinates.

And for the riff-raff of the company, like myself, here’s a stylish racing stripe to impress your co-workers with at happy hour when you dazzle them with conversation about your last cyclocross race.

Bending Over In Front of Strangers: Cycling Fashion Tips

Call me a metro-sexual-cyclist, admitingly; I know who Stacy and Clinton are.  I wish they rode bikes or at least could magically appear as a pop up when people try to buy day-glo yellow and green tree frog jerseys online.  I wish TLC could do an episode of What Not To Wear about cyclists.  How cool would it be to nominate “that guy” who showed up on the last group ride?  Man, what I wouldn’t give to have Stacy and Clinton put them through the 360 degreee mirror of shame, throw out their entire cycling wardrobe, show them some examples of stylish looking cyclists and let them loose with a bankroll to spend. 

I only want you to look good on your bike.  Stacy and Clinton would say look the part, get clothes that fit and dress it up, pure and simple.  You don’t wear dusty fuzzy slippers to church, sweat stained clothes to a job interview or ripped jeans to your grandma’s.  Granted a group ride is no where as formal as a job interview, but I can't think of another sport where you spend most of your time bending over in front of strangers.  I shouldn’t be able to see the Grand Canyon through your threadbare shorts.  No one at the pre-ride chat should ever have to smell a week old funk from your trunks, even if you rode to the start of the ride.  Maybe there should be a shelf life sticker on cycling clothes, like: the specialness of this pro team jersey will sour upon the dismantling of the team.  Or, there could be warning labels such as: WARNING, this oversized yellow jersey may appear “comfortable,” but it will make you look like Big Bird. 

Look the part.  Riding with the racers, look like a racer, but don’t be a poseur wearing sponsor clothing if you’re not a sponsored rider.  Riding with the clubbers, skip the logos and find something that fits snug and matches.  Yellow and Black only match on Taxi’s.  Quit embarrassing Jimmy Page and save the Led Zeppelin jersey for the trainer.  Going to the coffee shop?  Wear what people wear at coffee shops, like uh, maybe, something not spandex.  No one sipping mocha wants to see how big your swizzle stick and beans are. 

Dress it up.  Realize that cycling fashion and cycling clothes have a shelf life.  Sorry to break it to ya, the purple jersey you got to match your anodized parts in 1992 is sooo 1992.  Not even the pros look good in yellow jerseys.  This year’s cycling shoes don’t come with laces.  Fabric should be thick enough so your hinder hairs don’t corkscrew through.  Jackets shouldn’t annoyingly flag flap in the wind or poof into an incredible hulk of a pup tent. 

If you forget every thing I just said, please remember this one simple last thought.  When you get dressed for your next group ride, ask yourself, “What would I wear if someone’s face was two feet from my ass?” 

For ideas check out the Velo Vogue Blog here.