Learn Italian & Train For Nats: Fisher-Price Smart Cycle

You’ve muscled through Moab, pedaled the Blue Ridge Parkway, but you haven’t ridden a bike till you’ve mastered Math Mountain, Shape Lake, Number Fields and Letter Creek.  I saw the TV commercial for this, The Fisher Price Smart Cycle Racer and immediately the heel of my own hand fumped me in the forehead.  Donk!  Much like riding a bike in Cincinnati traffic, it’s a kids exercise bike where you can ride through a wacky interactive educational video game world.  Why didn’t I, a guy who silent pokes fun at fat kids eating caramel apples in mom and dad’s car while I ride by the local farmers market, a guy who once kept a notebook of goofy million dollar ideas including putting the phone book on a memory card for your cell phone, think of this.  It solves two of the nations biggest problems, big fat stupid kids, at once.  I always tell myself the best ideas come from stuff you’re passionate about.  I like writing and cycling but I'm not a big fan of children.  So once again, I point out someone else’s brilliance on my blog in hopes of hornswoggling another Facebook follower.  Fisher Price will make ka-jillions.  Whether it’ll be another cast away toy to trip over two weeks after Christmas is another story.  

But…but.  Maybe there’s room to expand on this.  Maybe I, Joe Biker, can take this “To A Ho Nutha Leh-vo.”  Sooner or later the temperature will plummet and I’ll beg Revolution Fitness for a deal on a three month gym membership to get back in shape for the 2011 season.  No doubt I’ll spend 5-6 hours in the gym every week till I forget what it feels to ride outside of the garage.  What if there was a learning trainer for adults, like a Computrainer without the fake California landscape and maddening diagrams of your poor pedaling technique?  What if instead of watching a DVD of Paris Roubaix or John Cusack in the movie High Fidelity for the 13^th time, you could learn Italian with the Rosetta Stone Smart Cycle Racer.  Maybe I could get my Masters degree from the Xavier University at Fisher-Price, learn how to make my own Clif Bars, or tie a bow tie in a fun video game way all while getting massive base miles for the Mohican 100.

Of course it’d need some refinements, unless the reasonably priced $85 Fisher-Price bike would be an upgrade from what you’ve been noodling around town.  Just like hooking up a Computrainer, you could ride your own bike, and swap the software cartridge out in your bottle cage.  Now, imagine crushing the climb up Fluent Italian Mountain, winding your way through Journalism 401 Forest and finishing up with intervals along Bow Tie Creek.

Fisher Price Bike Recall Causes Total Tizzy at Aussie Jr. Trike World Championships

(Nose Hit News Service-Melboune Austrailia)  Five year old female Junior Recumbent Trike World Champion hopeful, Joelle Bikerski is pissed.  She crossed her arms, furrowed her brow and insisted she’s actually five and a half.  This week Fisher Price, her lightweight high end bike sponsor, recalled the exact bike she planned to ride at this weekend’s World Championships in Australia.  Just days before the big race, she and the other superstars of aerospace thermoplastic tricycle racing in the 4-6 year old category, such as Fabiene Cancellero and Georgette Hincappy, are left scrambling to find another bike their parents will let them ride. 

“I don’t want to bust a nut on that piece of crap,” exclaimed another 5 year old sponsored athlete who stuck his thumb in his mouth and violently shook his head from side to side refusing to be identified.  Australian Police put up barricades and traffic control devices around the local Toys-R-Aussie to keep parents from throwing a complete hissy fit over the recall.  “She’s five years old and at the prime of her career,” exclaimed one outraged parent slash coach slash diaper changer.  “Next year she’ll be over the hill like Brett Favre and Lance Armstrong.”

The sound of pouting, kicking and screaming could be heard all around the athlete’s village.  At press time World Championship organizers were busy trying to make nice-nice with free ice cream and book an emergency concert by rock band The Wiggles.

For more on the recall, click here for CNN article.