Evasive Maneuvering: Bucket Truck of Death

Confident, the index and middle finger on my right hand began to squeeze the brake lever trigger.  It would send my rear wheel skidding out to the right at 25mph.  My left knee augered away from my bike to take the initial impact of my left hip, hand and handlebars hitting the rain soaked oily pavement.  Coming down the Gilbert Avenue hill into downtown Cincinnati I judged I had about a two foot ceiling and a 10-12 foot gap to shoot between the wheels and under an energy company bucket truck.  I think I would’ve made it.  Then it stopped.

Not The Exact Bucket Truck, But You Get The Idea

I tacked right and skirted around the front bumper, the truck jutting two-thirds of the way into my lane.  I looked back at the driver.  His window was down, bare arm on the frame.  We locked eyes.  It’s at these moments you wish you had something clever to say, something like, “What the F*** Bucket Head!”  Like Peter Sagan contesting a sprint infraction, the back of my Italian left hand leaped into the air toward the driver and the only quip my mouth could muster was “Dooooood!”  So I’m only a quarter Italian.

As I was coming down the hill in the left lane to make the left turn at the light only 150 meters away, the bucket truck was coming up on the other side of the median then made a sudden U-turn midway into my path to the light.  Had my bike rolled 20-25 feet closer I know I would’ve squeezed that lever.  At 25mph, a bike travels 36.6 feet per second.  Looking back, I estimate I had a little more than a half second to waffle on the option of grabbing a fist full of brake and taking myself human bowling. 

The light was red.  I slowed to a stop in the left hand turn lane.  The truck pulled up in the far right.  With no one else at the intersection, he could’ve quickly turned and drove away, but he stopped for me.  His eyes were wide, visibly shaken.  He shouted sincerely out the window, “Sorry.  My bad.”  I half smiled.  Considering my stupidity for riding too fast for conditions, I waved him off saying, “It’s all good,” and turned back up the hill for my 5^th hill repeat.

Women - Electric Dura Ace Finger Nails It

My wife is the girl all the other girls hate (not real hate, more like the spite sprinkled envious kind of girl hate.)  She can grow her fingernails strong and long.  Her old long-fingered cycling gloves have a perfect finger nail sized rip in the tip of the index finger.  She has the finger nail equivalent of Angelina Jolie’s lips.  Just to rub it in, yes, they grow out straight and perfect.  And just to fuel how much she sucks in other girls eyes, she rarely paints her nails so you can see that they are in fact real and spectacular (Jackie Chiles.)  When, however, she does break one, we practically have a mini funeral when her perfect 10, goes to a rag-tag nine. 

For this very reason, she has Campy on her bike.  Even though it does have one shift lever behind the brake lever, the thumb shifter cuts her nail breakage down to 50%.  With the new electronic Dura Ace essentially being two buttons on the outside of the brake lever, shifting is no harder on the nails than operating an easy button.  So, if you’re a woman considering the new electronic Dura Ace, consider that you’ll save a ton of money skipping trips to the manicurist trying to keep up with my wife’s lovely and seemingly perfect all-the-freaking-time finger nails.  That’s a triple snap girlfriend.

As for the nuts and bolts, it shifts so fast Staples is considering using the technology for their new Ultimate Easy Button 7970.  According to the rep at the North American Handmade Bicycle Show, thanks to the battery it’s just 60 grams, a cell phone heavier than the non-electronic version.  It goes 2500-3000 miles on a charge, a quarter to half a season, depending on how shift happy you are and how much you ride your other bikes. There are indicators for battery life and when you only have about 50 shifts left.  The ergonomic hoods feature a nice cutout for your index finger, especially cool if you’re a Landis-like death gripper.  It auto trims the front derailleur when you make shifts on the rear.  If you just heard blabidy blabidy blah, that means it doesn’t make that awful noise when you cross-gear the chain.  The men I saw who tried it at the show were pretty gaga.  The capper is that eDura Ace passed the ultimate test.  Requiring practically no muscle power from girly mini mitts, the best part according to my wife is that the new electronic Dura Ace is long finger nail friendly.  Rejoice.  Ride and be pretty.