New Years Spin Bike Ball Drop

There was no confetti, no horns, no cheers and no kisses for the New Years ball drop I witnessed. “F**k,” however, was shouted out quite loudly. Witnessing it, all I could think was, “oh dude, oh, ouch.” He hit the floor. Next thing you know. Shortly grabbed his nutsack and crumpled into the fetal position. New Years brings the newbies to the gym. While I can’t entirely fault the newb for the ball drop, being a newb certainly contributed to the forceful redistribution of the family jewels Sunday at spin class.

It was 8 degrees outside yesterday. Inside the spin room, the thermostat registered a sweaty 90 degrees. Due to the cold and the resolutions, the class was full with a waiting list a few people deep. As the class got underway spinning our heart rates up toward 75%, 2-3 stragglers trickled in. Like gophers popping their heads out of their holes, they strained their necks to locate the 2-3 open spin bikes. Only one bike had the toe straps allowing the rider to spin in running shoes. So, after some do-see-do quiet discussion between the stragglers, each found a bike to match their footwear and mounted up.

Normally before you get on a spin bike, you adjust the seat and handlebars to fit your body and riding style. Normally. Well that’s what you’d do if you’ve been to at least one spin class before. If you haven’t, like jumping on any normal bike, you’d just get on, especially a beefy bike made out of 2x2 inch steel bars and a stainless 40 pound weight for a wheel. Some may even see it like a car and assume that the seat is adjustable in some fashion, but maybe not assume that the steering wheel or, in this case, handlebars are also adjustable. That’s usually a luxury option.

Being late to class, the newb walked up to the bike, caddy corner from me, put his foot on the pedal, grabbed the bars and swung a leg over. The handlebars gave way. They weren't attached, just barely sitting in the top of the tube by about a half inch, not tightened on in any way. The guy, now in slow motion, pretty much spread eagle, came crashing down, with his full weight, nuts on tension adjuster knob and his lower abdomen squarely lanced by the 2x2 steel square hole where the handlebars are attached. “Oh!” I exclaimed as if it were my own nuts. It was hard to look at. With his hands still in a firm grip on the bars, he curled on the floor. ““F**K!” He shouted pushing himself away. The room gasped, shocked. My mouth hung open. Quickly, another gentleman, obviously someone he came to class with, helped him to his feet and out of the room. The instructor followed. He, or his companion, never returned to class. I’m not sure if he was okay or not. I certainly hope he’s only bruised, not broken, and one day comes back to the gym to shrug it off.

UPDATE: I have heard that Big Johnson and the Cashews are doing fine.

Cincinanti's Dedicated Bike Lane For Beefing Big Balled Bicyclists

Every now and then what is at the root a crime, usually of a lesser degree, is on the surface super freaking funny. Sometime within the last 2-3 weeks the bike lane arrows on Erie Avenue in Cincinnati have been repainted, neither at the hand of any city employee nor at the hand of a very mature person. I, being somewhat immature, found these modern cave drawings incredibly hilarious, especially after a long ride, going up the last hill on my way home with my last sip of water in my bottle. I nearly blew that sip out my nose when I saw this.

I present the road marking which depicts a bike lane that I presume is only for gassy cyclists, a bike lane dedicated to me. How thoughtful. Someone out there knows that I enjoy a healthy diet of legumes, mushrooms and the occasional broccoli. Since both Erie Avenue and Brotherton lead nearly parallel paths up the hill to the neighborhoods of Hyde Park and Oakley respectively and the painting is tagged with a "B", I’ve deducted that maybe someone who lives on Brotherton was offended by a blasting biker or tooting tandem on their street and decided to go all vigilante, repaint the bike lane markings and get the offending athletes to detour up Erie Avenue instead. May I add that looks like one horrendous spider bark. I think the color is dead on. But, that’s not all. Just a few meters up hill from the flatulence artwork is this picture.

Women and lesser men, I am sorry, but it appears that the Hyde Park bound Erie Avenue bike lane is only for farting cyclists with giant cantaloupe sized testicles, beefing bicyclists with big balls. My last sip of water is officially coming out my nose. Bravo to the vigilante. However criminal or offensive the act may be I have found another reason to look forward to the last two miles of my bike rides. Happy Friday, Facebook Friday will return next week.

The Finest Balls Available And Another Thing About Zipp Carbon Wheels

“If you upgrade…know that you'll be getting Grade 2 balls, the finest available…,” well okay, and that’s according to Zipp Wheel’s website.  Apparently I do not have the finest balls available on the Zipp 404 Clydesdale Tubulars I won at the OVCX raffle last year.  We’re talking bearings here.  According to Zipp, Grade 2 ceramic balls are the finest available, but we all know it’s not about the balls.  Or, was that the bike?  The thing is most people buy carbon wheels because they are lighter, more aerodynamic and if they have grade 2 balls, carbon wheels roll faster than other wheels.  I have never heard anyone say they bought Zipps because they make you faster going downhill.  They should. 

You know how many cyclists I’ve run into that are afraid to let it loose on a descent and carve it up?  I know one woman, a very seasoned triathlete who used to come to nearly a dead stop at the top of hills afraid of the descent.  Zipp’s missing out on a great advertising angle here.  Going downhill is arguably the most fun aspect of cycling.  You don’t have to pedal.  You can go over 50mph on a good descent.  Imagine if instead of getting scared going around a downhill corner at say 45mph, you wouldn’t get concerned till you were going over 50 or more.  Aside from the cost and durability issues, I’m really surprised that I haven’t seen downhill mountain bikers run a deep carbon wheel.  The experience I’ve had so far is more than a subtle difference.  On a mountain bike, deep carbon hoops would definitely keep you from overcooking a corner and taking a trip through the trees.

On my first test ride, I bombed down Shawnee Run in Cincinnati’s hoidy toidy Indian Hill neighborhood, where Proctor and Gamble descendents live in horse-fence harmony with Cincinnati’s native celebrities like Peter Framton.  With Kyserium SSC SL’s, I usually end up scrubbing a little speed off on the last two turns to avoid getting too close to the thick painted shoulder line which can get slippery on this usually shaded and damp hill.  On the Zipp 404 Clydesdale tubulars, I never hit the brakes and continued pedaling till I spun out my 53x12 on the run in to the stop sign at the bottom.  Like a figure skater carving a turn on one skate, a really manly figure skater, it was like the wheels wanted to hold their space in the universe.  The control was amazing.  I was laughing at how ridiculously fast I was going and that I didn’t get scared at eye watering speed.

I’m sure most of the incredible stability at speed is due to the shape and height of the carbon faring and the wider hub.  I went to Zipp’s website for further explanation.  Zipp says, “Because the real world includes rough pavement, potholes and corners, we've designed our exclusive VCLC technology to reduce fatigue and maximize bike handling control for every rider and every road surface.”  Then it got a little more gobbley gookish, “The key is a visco-elastic material sandwiched between layers of rigid carbon laminate in the rim.”  Okay, whatever you say.  It went on, “When the wheel receives an impact from the road, much of the shock is absorbed by the VCLC system, delivering a 10% reduction in vibration.  That means that your wheel stays glued to the pavement when cornering and transmits less vibration into your body, reducing fatigue and keeping you fresh to carry your top speed all the way to the finish.”  Certainly someone was getting paid to fill up the large space around the pretty wheel picture.

They could’ve just said something like, “Zipp.  You Wont Crap Your Chamois On Wicked Fast Bumpy Downhill Corners… now with the finest balls available.”

And, just in case you're wondering, I have found the cyclist with the finest balls.  Yikes!