Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Cyclist Fakes Road Rash to Look More Pro

"What's Up Guys?!"
Knowingly pining for attention he pulled up to the group ride with his bandaged drive side knee and elbow facing his group ride buddies asking “What’s up guys?”  “Aw man!  You okay dood?”  The eyes of his concerned buds were drawn to the hospital fresh woven bandage-sock over his “road rash.”  Unbeknownst to them, Joe Bellante of Cincinnati had hammered the hill on the way to the Hyde Park Square coffee shop so his espresso tan quads and calves would be bulging and glistening with sweat when he arrived adding to the pro effect of the bandages. 

Super Nuclear Pro Looking Band-Aid
“It looks like it hurts, but I have to say, that looks super pro,” said a teammate.  “Super Pro Joe,” another shouted.  The group laughed.  Joe waved it off saying something like, “oh it’s nothing but a flesh wound.  Just went down doing hill sprints at Devou Park last night.  I’m good.  Let’s roll!”  Under the guise of being injured, and looking ultra-super-duper-nuclear pro,  Joe pummeled the group into pithy writhing crybabies as he “won” every climb and town line sprint for the next 2 ½ hours with his bandaged knee and elbow.  In reality, everyone gave the bandaged guy a longer sympathy leash, exactly what Joe was looking for.

So Gory...So Fake!
It all started with putting his glasses over his helmet straps.  Then the whole pro thing cascaded into a white carbon frame, bar tape, socks and shoes.  Then Joe noticed the best riders in the world all sporting the road rash net: Levi, Boonen, Hoogerland.  You name ‘em.  It seemed as if all his favorite riders were toughing it out on the Tour De France roads with eye popping white bandages or some crazy colored tape over their knees and elbows.  “Now that’s how to look pro,” he thought.  He grabbed the Parmesan cheese grater out of the kitchenette at work and rolled up his pants leg.

A Metal File and Some Ketchup-Perfecto
He stopped short of self inflicted rash.  He wasn’t crazy.  He opened the fridge, grabbed the ketchup and walked back to his corner office where a $2.95 box of gauze and a roll of medical netting were waiting.  There he went to work on his Joe pro look.  The bottle made a farting noise as he squirted a coin sized blotch of ketchup in the center of a square, applied it to his elbow and rolled up a section of medical netting.  “Ba bam!  So pro!”  He said to himself looking in the mirror.  But who has road rash only on the elbow?  He did his knee as well, ripped the back of his jersey and dabbed some Heinz 57 near the hole.  To compliment the look, just before the ride he slid a square of gauze down his bibs on his right hip.  “Perfecto!”

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