Thursday, September 30, 2010

Dear Dopers, Hoodwinkers, & Rule Skaters:

From the Desk Of:

I just want you all to know that every time I watch a race I fake cheering for you.  You thought when you raced up that mountain that I was standing on the side of the road for hours in the rain pouring my guts out for you.  It was all a sham.  I like ringing cowbells for fun and think my voice sounds cool when it's hoarse.  You totally pedaled faster for nothing!

Remember when you saw me running in my Borat underwear with my Belgian flag and devil’s pitch fork?  Well I burned you.  You thought you witnessed my pure emotion, elation, joy, anger, and sympathy, right?  Well, I wouldn’t waste that on you.  I save that for the things I truly care about.
Did you really think that when I shouted at my television, spilled my Mountain Dew on the carpet, and jumped up on the ottoman that I was truly cheering for you at the Tour?  I was totally bluffing.  I can’t believe you fell for the old pound the sofa and hide my face behind the cushions trick.  That team jersey I's hanging next to my bidet.  Sorry.  Joke’s on you.  I subscribe to Versus for Bull Riding.
I wish that was true.  However, every time I watch a race, I show my true feelings and emotions for the beautiful sport of cycling.  I show you the true me.  Whether it’s bonking and losing 20 minutes to the leaders or kissing the podium girl on the cheek, I expect I’m seeing the true you. 
Joe Biker

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