Mangotmedown and other new CX Cats

USA cycling has done a great job with the new cyclocross categories divided by expertise level and age. However, cross is growing. I heard they’re getting fields of 100 in the Portland area. Already there are single speed CX categories and Clydesdale categories for the big girls and boys. Still, a one time podium level rider can all of a sudden find themselves struggling not to get lapped because of changes with work, family or a new found love of Cheetos. Maybe some adjustment is necessary. To help spread out the ever growing fields and make competition fairer, I’ve come up with a few ideas for new CX sub-categories based rider lifestyle. For example there could be a Cat 3 Ringers race, a Masters 1/2/3 35+ Junkies race or maybe a Cat 3/4 45+ Single Speed Clydesdale Mangotmedown Race.

Junkies:

People with no responsibilities beyond racing bicycles. I don’t know how you managed to make the rest of your life a mere formality, but congratulations to you, (and your left hand) for getting it done. You’re in a class by yourself.

Ringers:

People with athletic careers. Gym teachers, fitness instructors, pole dancers, I’m on to you. You can call it “work” all you want, but I know it’s all a diabolical secret evil training camp that you actually get paid for.

Loafers:

People with barely supervised day jobs. Like George Costanza from Seinfeld you sleep under your desk, waltz out everyday at 11a for a two hour “lunch” ride, roll into work whenever you need to pick up your check, and have the cowbells to send out emails suggesting that others meet you for a five o’clock ride on a weekday. You got it pretty good so just shut up.

Lovahs:

Loafers with relationships. You’ve got the time to train, you just have to be strategic about it and divide your time wisely between your significant other and your true love…your bike.

Snackers:

Gu, Cytomax and Gatorade? What’s wrong with McNuggets tucked in the elastic of your shorts, Coca-cola in the water bottles and ham gravy recovery drinks? Not a damn thing, but you definitely have no business lining up behind someone with Stars and Stripes on their sleeves.

Babymama or Babydaddy:

Lovahs who took it to a whole nutha level and whose training time in minutes is far surpassed by the number of diapers changed this week. Besides, you only got 3 hours of sleep this week; it’s just too dangerous to ride with other people. That’s why we’ll take down the caution tape and get rid of the barriers for your one lap race. We’ll start the race by dropping a bomb, because even a starter’s pistol may not get you to lift your big sleepy head off your handlebars.

Mangotmedown:

You got the lettuce to support your bike fetish, now only if you had the time to eek in your only thirty minute ride this week before your boss calls on your PDA again.