Monday, October 6, 2008

Deal With The Devil: An Open Letter To Frito Lay

As we continute to make "Out Of True" The Best Bike Blog Ever, enjoy this classic from AOL's Joe Biker Blog dated November 13th, 2006.

Dear Frito Lay,

This is pure evil…or, pure marketing genius. You must know how impossibly hard it is for cyclists to turn their back on an empty calorie laden powdered cheese covered crunchy snack, let alone one endorsed by the fastest animal in the world. But, alas, the cyclist is a hard nut to crack. We can resist. We can see past the initial yumminess of chowin’ on a Cheeto and envision ourselves being dropped by a pack of cyclists who were able to resist. It may not be easy being cheesy, but it’s even harder to be a weight conscious cyclist.

Congratulations. You have cracked the nut. You bastards. You’ll make ka-jillions!

By dressing up Chester Cheetah as a cyclist and taking a photo of him doing trick stunts on a mountain bike, my ability to resist what’s in the bag was overtook by what’s on the outside of the bag. You must know that cyclists by nature will buy anything with a picture of a bike on it. Damn you Cheetos. Personally I think the green "Smart Choice" label was a bit over the top, but it probably sealed the deal.

You dirty snakes! How did you find out? Did you pay off someone at the Fat Tire or Flying Dog beer companies? If you haven’t noticed both feature bikes on labels of their beer and I don’t know anyone who rides a bike who would choose a Bud Light over a beer with a bike on the label.

What’s your next evil plan for Chester Cheetah? Are you going to pin a Boston Marathon number to his fur in hopes of hoodwinking the finest runners in the world? Are you going to put him in some Speedos, mirrored goggles and take a picture of him in Honolulu in the hopes that Iron Man athletes wont see eating Cheetos as the equivalent of tying a cinder block around their bellies while jumping in the ocean?

Regardless of all this finger pointing, I think we can come to an agreement. I think this can be a win-win for the both of us. I’ve figured a way for you to make ka-jillions off selling Cheetos to salt hungry athletes while still keeping the cyclists happy. It’s called a team sponsorship. Hell Winston did it with NASCAR and you can do it with USCF.

Why not? Let’s takethis Cycling Chester Cheetah endorsement one step further. Why go fishing for cyclists at the supermarket, when you can entice them right on their bikes? Enclosed is a sponsorship agreement for the Joe Biker racing team. Just send a big fat check and we’ll be happy to sport Chester Cheetah jersey’s and bibs at all the races. Heck we’ll even slip coupons for free Cheetos under all the windshield wipers in the race parking lot.

Your fool for cycling marketing...and you know rotten scoundrels.

Joe Biker

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