Quit Making Fun of my #LobsterClaw Mittens

As Big As A Cat and Just as Warm

(Joe Biker Note: I'm out shopping for holiday gifts.  Until I find something you'll really like, please enjoy this updated little morsel and possible gift idea from the archives.  Our Cyclocross Calendar sponsor Pearl Izumi has some great Lobster Claws mitts, check 'em out here.)


They’ve been called Camel Toe Mitts, Dinosaur Paws, and, (using my Scooby Doo pronunciation) Robster Craws.  They’re nearly the size of a small housecat, 3 times the size of the gloves you wear in summer and, I-tunes be damned, crafted when the grunge of Pearl Jam and Nirvana first hit the radio.  They’re my circa mid 1990’s Performance brand Purple anodized parts-matching Lobster Claw cycling mittens.  Using the term as loosely as possible, this past weekend on the regular Cincinnati Saturday morning club ride, I got tons of "compliments" on them, such as, "What the F&*% are on your hands?"

Gloves? I Say, "Hand Blanket!"

For booger freezing cold weather riding, there is no better glove.  These are the best winter mitts EVER!  Don’t even try to compare.  I’ve ridden through Ohio & Wisconsin winters in these with wind chills that’d make your teeff loosen and fall out.  Sure Pearl Izumi's may be more fashionable, but nothing makes your group ride buddies say, "oh jeez, who brought the Fred to the ride" like a wave with a purple dinosaur paw.  There's probably a fetish website dedicated to the love of Lobster Claws.  If not, I'm starting one.  Sadly "HotLobster.com" is already taken.  Fortunately for your cycling buddies, they don't make 'em like this anymore.  Like dinosaurs, a dying breed nearing extinction. 

They’re fatter than Wendy William’s twin sisters, and therefore lack a bit in dexterity.  However, if you install an Idiot Strap to your jacket, you can pull them off mid-ride and easily reach bare handed into your jersey pocket.  You hand will smoke with steam when your bare hand hits the cold air.

Id-ee-ott Strap: (noun) A buckled or sewn strap, commonly found in Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan and North Dakota that mommy uses to physically tie your mittens to your jacket, so you don’t loose your gloves in the freezing cold like a 3 year old idiot.

Expedition Quality

They’re as thick as boxing glove; the top surface is a pillow of warm filler impenetrable to any wind.  Pull ‘em on and you immediately feel like the heavyweight champion of the world.  There’s not just a terry cloth snot wiper on the thumb, there’s an entire beach towel which makes up 2/3 of the top surface area.  Not only can you wipe snot, in case of a wreck you could clot a gaping wound with the left hand mitt and use the right in case you need to take care of “business” at the same time.

15 years and Still Steaming Hot

I should’ve got out the tape measure, but I’m certain you can see from the photos that they practically go up to your elbows.  So, I exaggerate.  There’s enough room inside to stick both hands in one, or easily pull them over the lower arms of your thickest winter jacket.  You could probably wear them as slippers or an insert for your Crocs. 

Dinosaur Track or Mitten Print?

Most people call them Lobster Claws, but a Lobster claw this big would fetch a world-record market price at the best steakhouse.  I prefer Dinosaur Paws, because that’s what the tracks look like when you fan out the 3-fingers and make tracks at the MTB trail head to freak out other Wisconsin trail users.  “Hey dere honey, we bedder not hike here.  Looks like dere’s a ferocious dinosaur at this trail.”

Cycling Gear Washing Problems Solved!

Grrr...Inside Out Winter Cycling Gloves

It must be some sort of cat fish, the creature inside my washing machine that loves to pull the liner out of my winter cycling gloves.  Obviously, it likes to play but must be able to swim in murky water.  Unlike Poofy, the three-footed sock stealing cloud-like entity in the dryer, the washing machine monster only messes with my winter cycling gloves.  It knows how to undo the Velcro on the wrist and pull the liner out off all ten fingers.  It makes me want to scream or grab a spear gun.

Artist Rendering: The Gloved Washer Fish

Pictured is an artists rendering of the Gloved Washer Fish.  Its sticky facial tentacles can easily grab a heavy glove that sunk to the bottom of the washer.  Then, with its singular hand shaped Ventral fin, it reaches into the glove, guts the liner and eats the bacteria from the inside of glove.  When the washer empties, it slithers up the black hose and waits for its next prey.

The Washer Helping Hand

However, I’ve found a way to foil the Gloved Washer Fish.  I’ve invented The Washer Helping Hand™.  It’s essentially a washable mannequin hand.  Made out of a lightweight but heavy duty water resistant polymer, you insert the Washer Helping Hand™ into the glove and secure it at the wrist with the glove’s Velco.  It’s like washing your gloves with your hands still in them.  The Gloved Washer Fish can't get his freak Ventral fin inside.  The Washer Helping Hand™ comes in all different sizes and ethnicities.  Brilliant. 

Poofy The 3-Footed Sock Stealing Dryer Monster

But wait!  There’s more!  For only $19.99 plus S&H, we’ll throw in The Dryer Foot™.  It’s the only way to beat Poofy, the three legged sock stealing dryer monster.  Simply slide all your socks on The Dryer Foot, toss the unit in the dryer and be amazed that all of your socks have matches when the dryer buzzes.  If that’s not enough, we’ll also include The Washing Weight™, the only device known to keep the washing machine from getting thrown off balance by washing light lycra jerseys and heavy winter cycling jackets.