Wednesday, December 14, 2011

#Cyclocross: My Diabolical 5-Step Tactical Plan for Masters Worlds Domination

Fave Cartoon EVER!
Trainer: Gee, Joe Biker, what do you want to do tonight?
Joe Biker: The same thing we do every night, Trainer - try to take over the world!

Clicked into a trainer and surrounded by hibernating garden tools, garbage cans, and grease coated shop rags, my water bottle and cell phone rest on the filthy hood of my Toyota 4-Runner.  I lost the remote control a few months ago backing out of the driveway with it still on the hood.  So now, barring unclipping, our 13 inch garage TV is more or less permanently tuned to Universal Sports.  It’s not bad.  At least it’s not figure skating.  I’m watching the first World Cup bobsled race of the season at high volume because my Ipod battery died 4.5 minutes into tonight’s trainer workout.  Facing a series of 5 minute blocks of 15 and 30 second all out intervals for the next eternity, my thoughts turn.  I shouldn’t have made that wrap with beans and started working out in a sealed room.  Secondly, I need a better plan to win Worlds, since actually training probably isn’t going to work.  In bike racing, we call this “tactics.”

I Work Owwwwwt!
I try to keep it positive.  Maybe I am the only guy registered for Nationals and Worlds who came home from work, made a quick veggie wrap, swapped pants for bibs, and hit the trainer still in dress socks.  Then I saw a Facebook post from the US’s #1 45-49 year old cyclocross racer Fred Rose, about “punishing” his trainer after work.  Dammit.  He’s not eating bacon while watching Jeopardy and I’m not the only one in the World, North America, the US, not even the Ohio River Valley dropping sweat on the garage floor in December.  I’m ranked 102nd in the US of guys my age.  In the World, who knows?  I’m so screwed.

Uber-Legend Don Myrah
Then I start to crunch the numbers.  Not every 45-49 year old Cyclocrosser in the World will show up in Louisville in January.  Look at the pre-reg for Nationals.  Out of the 1450 or so ranked riders, only 65 or so were signed up the last time I checked.  Out of those, Race Predictor slated me in at 28th.  Out of those 28, who will make a second trip to race Worlds in Louisville the following weekend?  I could qualify.  I could even get a middle of the pack call-up.  Then I see Olympian, 4x National Champion, guy I read about in the magazines when I totally sucked at mountain biking and uber-legend Don Myrah is slated in behind me at 29th for Nationals.  No matter how much he says he hasn’t been training, he’s still a killer.  He’ll certainly race Worlds and he’ll certainly leave me crying for mama between bouts of the pukes in the snow.  Then I start to wonder how many Belgians, Netherlanders and Canadians will make the trip and are watching the bobsled action from their trainer right now.  If I’m going to have a chance at taking over the World of Cyclocross, I’ve got to commence Plan B.

Step 1:  The Irresistible Infecting Invite 
Dear Fred, Mike, Keith and other Masters aged Midwest Cyclocrossers buddies faster than I,

You are cordially invited to travel over Christmas to Wisconsin with me.  I know!  How super cool of me!  I once lived and worked in Madison and have the local knowledge, like how to ride your bike on snowmobile tracks across the frozen lakes.  It’s a perfect opportunity to train on the frozen tundra, maybe pre-ride the Nationals course and enjoy free food and lodging at my brother in law's house.  You can’t pass it up!

Joe Biker

PS…I left out the part about the house crawling with germ infested kids and dogs and there’s no way any human can walk out of there between Christmas and Worlds without a sniffle or cough.  Good luck with that.  Boo ooh ah ha ah!

Step 2: Divert the Best in the US
To deal with the X-pro and other uber-masters aged athletes in Colorado, circled around Mt. Rainier and Northeast, I contracted with Cincinnati’s hotbed of IT geniuses.  Based on my theory that they spend most of their time training for Worlds in meat lockers at 5,000 feet above sea level and not enough on US Geography, I had my band of hackers make a switcheroo.  The venue for Worlds on the website now reads:
UCI Masters Cyclo-cross World Championships powered by Exergy
Presented by
Louisville Championships 2013
Thursday, January 12, 2012 to Sunday, January 15, 2012

Step 3: Memo to Discourage Eastern Europeans
To: Eastern European Cyclocross Masters Racers
Fr: UCI Grand Poobah
Re: Countries other than the US and Canada not Eligible for Worlds

It has come to my attention that historically so called World Championships in North America, such as the NBA, NHL and NFL are really only contested by two nations, the USA and Canada.  Think about it.  Have you ever seen a Mexico City Football team win the Superbowl or a Dominican baseball team win the “World” Series?  Of course not. Even though athletes outside of the US and Canada may be better, faster and stronger, it’s obvious if the World Championships are in the US, it totally sucks donkey turds but in the eyes of most Americans, your country doesn’t really count.  Sorry, but we’ll see you in two years. 

Step 4: Defend the Northern Border
Since that would leave only Canadians left to battle against me, I have invited hockey superstar Mario LeMieux to Worlds as Master of Ceremonies.  While it appears on the surface as a grand international gesture that’ll draw tons of people from Canada, I have him contracted to sign autographs, let Canadians touch the Stanley Cup with their bare hands and give a hockey demo on the Ohio River at precisely the same time as my race.  Canadian Masters will be forced to choose between an everyday occurrence of beating me at a bike race or a once in a lifetime chance to take the ice with a childhood legend. 

Step 5: Defer to Facebook Fans of the Blog


J.D. said...

Or you could make your bike into a James Bond-esque vehicle. Go like hell to get to the front of the pack. Then that magic shift will open a hole in your chain stays that scatters tacks hidden in the seat stays. Inside the downtube is a weapon that sends an EMF pulse that totally debilitates any with Di2. Secrertly inflate your tires with Helium. Hidden button on underside of stem fires blinding flares from the ends of your handlebars.

Easy enough.

Joe Biker said...

That's Brilliant J.D. B/C you know only Masters racers can afford Di2!

JQ said...

I was just thinking smokebombs under your saddle.

Either way I'll be there to photo the rise to total domination...getting "long handles" for Christmas to keep me warm.

Anonymous said...

These guys had a similar idea I hear chocolate chip cookies are the week link.