The Perks and Perils of Wrenching for Team Wifey

I’m chief mechanic for Team Wifey. There’s no salary, but I’ll admit there are some great perks. Here’s the current roster: Sweetie, Honey Bunny and Baby Cakes. Team Wifey is all pro. All they do is ride and leave the wrenching and set-up to the incredibly qualified and handsome mechanics. As chief mechanic, and the most handsome, I handle all the maintenance for Team Wifey’s corral of high end bikes such as an IF Crown Jewel and a Ti Litespeed Pisgah. Team Wifey is as demanding as any tour team. The mechanics take the job very seriously and are always ready with spare tubes, chains and cables. They make sure the tires are pumped before every ride and lights are mounted in case training goes into the evening. If the forecast calls for showers or chilly weather, the mechanics put the bike on the trainer, tune the TV to Entertainment Tonight and drape a small towel on the handlebars. Just like any Pro Tour team, the riders of Team Wifey never admit to operational errors or oversights. It’s preposterous to think that long natural perfectly filed fingernails could ever impede shifting performance.

Recently Team Wifey went out for a training ride with the Fast Fairfax Women’s squad. Just like Team Wifey, the Fast Fairfax Women also have their own sweet deal with the bike shop down the street so they too can strictly concentrate on riding. So they’re out pedaling the bike path and Team Wifey starts having ghost shifting issues. Clickity clickity clickity. Annoyed, she says, “It keeps shifting all over the place!” Her riding partners say there must be some problem with the cable tension or the little adjustment screws on the derailleur. Team Wifey complains that her new chain has been backordered and obviously the current chain must’ve finally stretched out and is causing issues. There is not a screwdriver between them, but ten bucks says there’s definitely a scrunchie in one of their saddlebags. They press on confident that the shifting issues were properly diagnosed in the midst of discussing the hilarious trailer for the new movie “Couples Retreat” at 20 miles per hour.

After the training ride, Team Wifey is promptly met in the team shop where the riders are swarmed by the trusty and ruggedly handsome mechanics. They carefully remove water bottles, wipe the icky gooey half-worms out of the rear brake and slough the spilled Gatorade from the down tube. Team Wifey complains that she doesn’t understand why they can’t make a water bottle that closes easily. Then she remembers to tell the mechanics to check the chain for stretch adding that it was ghost shifting all over the place. The mechanics put the bike up in the stand, spin through the gears and look for the issue. “Ah hah!” The dashing chief mechanic reaches into the recesses of his trusty tool box and pulls out the hand made sharpened spoke poker tool and goes to work.

“I think we found your problem,” the chief mechanic exclaims as he pulls a 10 inch stick, which had wrapped itself between three cogs, out of the cassette. “Oh…my…gawd! Thanks Sweetie,” she adds pulling her gorgeous hair back with a pretty blushing smile while walking into the house. Job done. Mechanic paid.