The Spare Change Fairy Waves Her Wand

Rocking fore and aft, that track stand is impressive there chief, but it’s not going to pay the bills.  You think of stop lights as a momentum sapping inconvenience, a speed bump in your average speed, but I treat stoplights like a lottery.  Too many times you spend your time at stoplights trying to look P.R.O. sitting on the top tube with your forearms on the tops of your bars as you stare off across the intersection like The Lion King on a cliff.  Sadly no one notices that you’re flexing your left quad in an attempt to impress the people in the car on your left.  Like a drag racer watching the sequence of lights on the starting tree, you keep an eye on the cross traffic light waiting for the yellow to jump on your clip-in.  You didn’t even notice the 71 cents scattered on the ground below you.

71 cents…that’s a pack of bonk saving Lance brand peanut butter crackers my friend.

“It’s six years of interest on our checking account!”  My wife exclaimed as she scooped up the scuffed quarters, nickels and penny.  Sadly, it’s true.  Our checking account makes a penny or two a month in interest.  We have a little bank in our laundry room for the spare change we find on rides.  It’s a Jelly Belly candy bank made to look like an old soda-pop machine.  About the size of small brick, it’s half full of roadside change and weighs nearly 2 pounds.  Clink.  Clink.  Clinkity clink.  I haven’t opened it up all summer, but no doubt we’ve found close to four or five bucks in change since April/ May.  We’re pretty close to a free inner tube at this point.

The other day, my buddy Scott found a crisp $1 dollar bill on his ride.  Paper sticks to summer’s hot pavement.  There are no toll roads in Cincinnati, but we find more money at non-descript intersections: Delta and Columbia Parkway, Erie and Murray.  Take a look around at the light wherever you ride.  Maybe drivers lean out the window to pay the vendor at Mt. Lookout Square for a copy of the Sunday morning Enquirer fat and loaded with coupons.  Maybe somebody really tipped the valet at the Precinct steakhouse with change.  Maybe a quarter was fumbled for a McDonalds drive thru Quarter Pounder.  The change bounced off the door panel and lodged itself in the crevice under the door.  Now and then you accidently close your door on a long jacket or dress.  Occasionally, you don’t see the Door Ajar light on your dash till you get to a long stop light.  You open the door, the change falls out, and the spare change fairy waves her wand at an observant cyclist.  Clink.

Butt Cheek Tail Light LED Implants

I find a lot of tail lights.  Like finding change on the sidewalk or a golf ball in the brush, when I find a bike tail light, I don’t try to find the rightful owner either.  Mine all mine.  What goes around comes around.  In the jersey pocket it goes.  I think of the lights I find as the come-around for all the lights I or my wife has lost.  Reverse karma.  I find at least one per year.  We lose at least one per year.  It’s a Seinfeld breakeven.  The cycling universe is in complete harmony.

On Saturday, I found a light just off the bike path in Loveland.  Nothing great, it didn’t have a logo but it looks like your typical Planet Bike small 4 or 5 LED, two AAA battery clip-on type light.  The batteries were still good.  Woot!  Must’ve been a fresh kill.  Of course it was knocked loose when the owner got to close to the LED snatching zombies that hide out near the jarring railroad tracks.  It was in the grass.  No doubt they never even heard hit the ground.  Thank you.  It’s mine.  Nanny nanny boo boo.  I’m sorry, but in the last three weeks my wife has lost the red cover of TWO taillights.  Consequently there are two riders out there right now saying, “Cool!  I just found a new cover for my broken light!”  There’s no way I’m leaving this newly found light on the top of the next post or bench along the path for the “rightful owner to discover.”  Before you say Karma will get me, keep in mind Karma indeed is in full effect.  In my book, Karma still owes me another taillight, and I’m keeping my eyes out.

To increase my chances of finding MY other light, I’m on full tail light alert.  So, be warned.  Hold your tail lights close.  The five second rule does not apply.  If yours hits the ground, there’s a guy like me right behind you waiting to snatch it up.  If you’d prefer that I do not become the new owner of the tail light you possess, you can do a few things:

1) Don’t ride at night.  Instead stuff your tail light in your sock drawer forever.

2) Unless foggy or riding through a forest fire, don’t put your tail light on your person or seat bag when riding during the day.  If cars can’t see you in bright day light, you’re going to get run over anyway. 

3) If you must chance a ride at dusk, don’t use the clip-on to affix your light to your seat bag or rear jersey pocket.  We have used countless lights with the clip-on feature; none of them are any good.  Instead write a check for $14.95 to “Cash” and paper clip it to your jersey and ride around for a few hours.

4) Don’t use a tail light on a mountain bike ride.  Still can’t quite figure out why I found a tail light on the trail at East Fork State Park last fall, but thank you very much.  It lasted until my wife rolled over some railroad tracks two weeks ago and now it’s in someone elses hands I’m sure.

5) Avoid the tail light eating Zombies that hide out alongside railroad tracks and underpasses in counties where voters turned down the street improvement tax levy.

6) Mechanically fix your light to your bike or person.  Or, take it a step further.  Grab your light.  Go to the “hipster” side of town and have a local piecing artist implant the LED’s on the back of your neck or a few on each butt cheek.  Laugh now, but they already sell LED nose rings.  It’s just a matter of time.

Facebook Friday: What Is Your Best Road or Trailside Find While Biking?

Facebook Friday is a new feature on The Best Bike Blog Ever*.  If you’d like to participate, click the Facebook link on the right, send me a friend request with a note about Facebook Friday.  On Thursday, I’ll pose a cycling related question to you and my Facebook Friends.  On Friday you get the answer on The Best Bike Blog Ever.  For a link to previous Facebook Friday posts see link on right.

FACEBOOK FRIDAY: What is your best road/trailside find while pedaling?

BUTCH: While doing a nite ride on the Loveland bike trail, the wife and I found a couple..who weren't kids...were talkin 40s here...making "whoopie" by the side of the trail...not 50 yards north of Nisbet park. Does that count? 

ADAM: Once found a red Maglite flashlight, unscratched, totally functional and full of batteries on the road in Anderson.

KATE: (Found) an unopened box of Lee press-on nails. mama got an instant manicure...oh ya.

ERIC: I found a bag of weed...too bad I don't smoke.

B-JET: I don't know if this qualifies as a "find" but I saw a cat on the Loveland Bike trail carrying its kill, a baby bunny. Other than that I have seen random wildlife; wild turkeys, baby foxes, a coyote, and a rattlesnake. Yesterday we rode past some miniature horses two which were f...... (edit: “getting it on”) In Kentucky of course!

DAN: Mickey Mouse ears on the side of the road up near John Bryan park. You know like the kind the Mousekateers wear.

SUSAN: One time on a 98 degree day near Ames, Iowa, we rode past a senior center, and a dozen 90+ year old women were outside playing the spoons, a washboard, a comb with wax paper, 2 or 3 kazoos, with the rest singing "you are my sunshine." They were all dressed in white blouses, blue skirts, and red ribbons around their necks, and each one wore a diamond tiara. Their 65+ year old sons and daughters stood near them holding umbrellas to protect them from the sun.